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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally pissed off....or am I a drama queen?

305 replies

Ratched · 15/01/2021 16:10

It is a 'very' special birthday for me today.
I have a husband, two grown up some and a grand daughter, as well as assorted friends.
I have a father I shop and clean for 2 or 3 times a week. I have a brother I have taken in and supported when his marriage collapsed

At 4 pm, on the day of my special birthday + only call it this as Iakakee no fuss on any other day, I have a bunch of owners with a card from Moonpig.com
My friend brought me some personalised gifts which meant a lot, but from my family????
I shop, clean and do all of the admin (sell ing houses, organising dwp payments, cleaners, carers etc c for my dad.
Have given my brother a roof over his head when needed, as well as support.
Have not only subsidised DS to the nth degree, but now also supply child care.
Have supported second DC financially.

I am 60.
No one gives a toss.
I honestly and truly do not care about getting stuff.
Just a phone call saying Happy Birthday.

How ducking dad us my life at this age when I have 2 bloody cards. And one of them is from moonpig. With roses that probably cost a bomb but mean fuck all.
DH tells me it was the best he could do in a pandemic.
Weird.
I managed to get a unique, thoughtful gift that involved some thought from Etsy for his birthday a couple of weeks ago.
And a card. But that involved making some effort.
I am so deflated.
Busy making dinner, but surely any other husband would've cooking for their wife? Or arranging a takeaway?
I am pissed off beyond belief.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ratched · 15/01/2021 18:01

@Cormoran thank you GrinGrin

OP posts:
Rhythmisadancer · 15/01/2021 18:03

happy birthday OP, sexy sixty!
Another vote for a takeaway for one, a bottle of the best stuff, in a room on your own, followed by much chocolate, possibly taken in a bubble bath with a nice film on the ipad. Kick back and enjoy your own lovely company!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/01/2021 18:03

OP happy birthday! So at 60 years of age you find out you are just seen as ‘being there’ to look after all the family and they just take you for granted. Well, I think this realisation is a lovely gift actually. Now you know how you are regarded so you can act on this.

Tell your DH it isn’t good enough and you expect better from him and everyone else. Let him speak to your DC and tell them what shitbags they have been for letting you down. They need to know how terrible you feel. I would also tell him you are going to pick out some pretty expensive presents so he’d better dig his credit card out.

You need to speak directly with your dad and Brother too. Maybe your brother can pick up the slack with your dad as you aren’t going to put either of them first from now on? They need to make an effort with you.

Don’t fall into the guilt trap, you are entitled to feel special on your birthday and your nearest and dearest have badly let you down.

TBH, in your position I would order a takeaway for just me and take this as a sign you’ve been a door mat for too long and they can all look after themselves.

CatNoBag · 15/01/2021 18:03

It's a bit late for today, but I'd make sure you spend the weekend ordering takeaways and catering solely for yourself, doing whatever you fancy without paying heed to anyone else's wants and needs, explaining to anyone who asks that you've made plans to celebrate your birthday weekend because nobody else bothered to make an effort. 60 is a massive deal, and your family should have come up with something Covid or no Covid.

Original poster
Ratched · 15/01/2021 18:04

Tbf, DH would hand his credit card over willingly. I could buy anything I wanted.
That's not the point.
I just wanted to see some care, some effort, some thought from those closest to me
For those I work bloody hard for.
That's all. Nothing tangent, just something to show they care.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 15/01/2021 18:05

My partner said surprise your DH by leaving him.

Rubbish effort

coldwaterfeed · 15/01/2021 18:06

You need to give less yourself OP.

Dad needs to get carers.
Son needs to look after his own child.
Husband needs to his own washing and cooking.
Brother needs to move out.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 15/01/2021 18:06

Happy Birthday 🎂

You are right about 1 thing, tomorrow won't be your birthday BUT it should also be the day you stop wiping their arses and doing everything for them. Seriously start the strike!

It's not that you want loads of prezzies and cards it's just a little bit of thought being returned for everything you do.

If anyone says anything, you tell them straight that you are their DP, DM and not the skivy so it would be nice not to be treated like it.

teaorwine · 15/01/2021 18:06

Happy birthday Ratched. I get how you feel, how noone made an effort or put thought into trying to show you, you matter. Please dont cook, order yourself takeaway. What would you like to eat, order that, a glass of wine. Please dont just suck it up otherwise your husband will learn nothing from this. I would also tell your dad and sons that you're sad that they didnt think to make a bit of effort. It seems you give a lot of yourself to others, please reserve even 10% of that thought and energy for yourself. Sometimes people take it granted when someone's very kind and selfless..as my aussie friend would say "dont be a burnt chop!" A hug and Flowers from me

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 18:06

Happy birthday!

I've never missed my mum's birthday and I always try to put thought into gifts but I think you're being a bit silly about the card thing. A card is a piece of - well, card!

And I genuinely would have thought roses were an ok gift!

I do understand that it's not a lot from your dh though. And there's no excuse for your kids!!!

But (I'm sorry) I also didn't think 60 was a particularly big deal?!

It's still early evening. You might yet get something from your sons and grandchild.

Regarding cooking - yeah you're being a bit of a martyr! Grin

GabsAlot · 15/01/2021 18:07

happy birthday op

my dh will probably do the same actually i dont even expect a card he usually walks in the shop buys the first thi8ng he sees but theyre all closed and he doesnt do online

soi will prob be back in here in two weeks saying the same thing-not a special birthday but still

GabsAlot · 15/01/2021 18:08

just to add i wont be cooking though

randomer · 15/01/2021 18:11

Its done now, get through the rest of the day. Take yourself off somewhere tomorrow and have a good think about why people are treating you like this.

In all seriousness, how about talking to a counsellor about it? That could be a gift you give yourself. The way your family have bahaved is inappropriate and hurtful but no amount of bubble bath, Pandora,choccies and other shite will help.

randomer · 15/01/2021 18:12

@coldwaterfeed, ABSOLUTLEY

HikeForward · 15/01/2021 18:13

Sorry to be blunt but we’re in a global pandemic and lockdown. People have bigger things to think about than a birthday.

I think birthdays get less important as we age. Why expect a big fuss when you’ve already had lots of ‘big’ birthdays eg 18, 21, 30, 40, 50 etc... and all the ‘smaller’ birthdays in between. Presumably you did some lovely things and received some nice gifts over the years?

If you feel your family don’t appreciate you, that’s another issue. But forgetting your birthday (or only getting you a Moonpig card and roses) shouldn’t be a big deal, unless you feel uncared for or taken for granted in general.

I’m guessing your father is over 80 and has done his fair share of organising birthday treats for you in the past?

What do your husband, sons, friends and granddaughter normally do for your birthday? Right now nobody can go shopping apart from online. All restaurants, fancy tea shops, spas and hotels shut, nobody can whisk you off for a weekend abroad as we’re in lockdown and most people are terrified of catching covid. Households can’t mix to throw you a surprise party or travel to drop off a surprise gift. What were you hoping for?

Maybe some of your friends/family have lost their jobs or been furloughed or are facing job loss. Maybe they are suffering with covid/isolation/stress/home schooling/trying to work from home and teach their kids simultaneously? It’s easy to forget a birthday at times like this.

Original poster
Ratched · 15/01/2021 18:14

@GabsAlot. Grin good for you!

OP posts:
Sarcobaleno · 15/01/2021 18:17

The people who are saying that it's not a big deal are talking bollocks. Global pandemic is honestly no excuse for most of us. It's shit. They've hurt her feelings because they've not shown that they care. They need told, either they take you for granted or they think this is acceptable but either way, they need told.

Offskki · 15/01/2021 18:19

How does this happen? For about three weeks beforehand I'm planning my birthday and talking to everyone about it.

Frazzlefrazle · 15/01/2021 18:20

I would be peed off too

It's the fact that someone can't spend more than 5 minutes thinking about you and deciding on a personal gift. I would rather people didn't bother then give a generic shitty present.

I have been with my husband 12 years and its only this last couple of years that it has finally sunk in for him. Also after I stopped buying personal present for him!

MAK93 · 15/01/2021 18:20

Happy Birthday OP!

You should have not cooked dinner & ordered yourself takeaway!

MotherofTerriers · 15/01/2021 18:21

Happy birthday
Tell them. Tell them its not the money, its the lack of thought and care. And stop. Stop what you do for them. All of it.

Find fun things you enjoy to spend your precious time on instead.

Peakypolly · 15/01/2021 18:23

I am disappointed by the two grown up DS's. Obviously birthdays are important to you (I know some posters are different) so you must have made huge efforts on their 'big' birthdays. The selfishness of not even texting or calling to say they have a plan for a future celebration when restrictions are lifted. My MIL has a '0' birthday in February, and DH has managed to come up with a couple of treats for her to receive despite not being able to see her in person.
Please give them a mouthful, the selfish gits, don't let them be unaware how hurt you are, or you only have yourself to blame for your 70th being the same!
As for your DB... I would be very cool and tell him why.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 15/01/2021 18:23

Happy Birthday! I once saw a dreadful film starring Pam Dawber from Mork and Mindy - Mom's on Strike or something? Odd I remember it!

Make this the day you change! Good luck- I feel your pain. On my first year as a mum I helped dh put together a soundtrack for old footage he was putting on video for his mum. I didn't even get a bloody card. Twenty seven years later and he knows now!!

atotalshambles · 15/01/2021 18:24

Happy Birthday, OP !!!

longtompot · 15/01/2021 18:25

YANBU Op. What a bunch of arses. I'd be very disappointed too, and no, it does not make you a drama queen.

Wishing you a very Happy 60th Birthday🥳🥂🎉

I'd celebrate by ordering a takeaway to be delivered just for me and enjoy as many glasses of something cold and fizzy all to myself.