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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To expect an apology from my MIL

167 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 15:27

MIL has always been very outspoken and I have put up with a lot over the last 20 years (even though most people including her sons and husband would agree that she is often wrong, infuriating and down right rude) Normally I would just say nothing and let it wash over me, but yesterday she broke me down, it was my mum's funeral and with the snow our area was brought to a standstill, (even though day before weather forecast just said light snow) I hastily had to ask elderly relatives and family not to travel and arrange for the hearse just to go to the crematorium as I did not want to put anyone in danger or for them to get stranded. Myself and my brother were already feeling massively guilty (as when we buried dad most of the village and all their friends and family came and it was a lovely celebration off his life) to not be able to do this for mum, upset me, so after a frantic morning I just assumed my MIL and FIL who live 5 minutes walk away from the crematorium would be the only other people there, but no I get a phone call saying she is not coming but FIL will walk, not a problem, but concludes the call with "cannot believe the weather always knew your mother was cold but this is her taking the p**s" and did not want her husband walking, told them not to bother, my mother was not cold she was the nicest person hence about 100 sympathy cards so many messages apologizing that due to the weather they could not come and stand outside just to pay their respects, I got through yesterday somehow but have told DH and FIL am done unless she changes her attitude

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 15/01/2021 17:07

So sorry for your loss.

That was a nasty callous thing to say to a daughter grieving for her mother and I would find it extremely difficult to forgive. It’s not you, it’s definitely her and I would be cutting contact to a bare minimum.

Your mum was obviously very popular and meant a lot to people and I’m sure people had her in their thoughts even if they couldn’t be there in person Flowers.

WineTheBobbin · 15/01/2021 17:08

so sorry for your loss Flowers

I could never forgive anyone for that

Fembot123 · 15/01/2021 17:11

Wooooah, that’s not on! Sorry for your loss OP

PoppiesinOctober · 15/01/2021 17:12

I'd have gone fucking mad. Pigs would fly before my MIL ever dared to talk about my DM like that. Your DH needs to put her in her place immediately.

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 17:13

They did and got so manly lovely comments am starting to think MIL disliked mum cos she had more friends hates me because of it and hates anyone who questions her even my EXSIL has sent condolencse card

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/01/2021 17:13

I wouldn't ask for, nor expect an apology. If she does apologise its likely to make you feel worse as she wounds like the type to say "I'm sorry you felt....." rather than being sorry for her words. Nothing that she can say or do will make what she said any better so probably just better, for your sake, to leave her to wallow in her own self pity and cut all contact.

I'm so sorry that you have to miss your mum, and I'm sorry that this woman has chosen to cause you more pain rather than support you Flowers

HyacynthBucket · 15/01/2021 17:16

So sorry Op for your great loss, and having to deal with this on the day of the funeral! It beggars belief. How could anyone be so vile? No going back there I am afraid. For your own sake however, I hope you can put it behind you eventually though not have anything to do with her. How is your DH about this? You do not ever need to see this awful woman ever again.

Pumpkinpied · 15/01/2021 17:17

I’m sorry about your mum.
I have a MIL similar to yours. At my mum’s funeral she cried because she felt like she was being ignored by her son, who was sat comforting me. I could give many many examples of her rudeness over the last twenty plus years.
At that point I was done. I’ve always been the one to organise treats, Birthday and Christmas gifts, Mother’s Day, etc. and never minded but since that day she hasn’t received anything because DH forgets/ doesn’t bother. I wonder if she’s worked it out yet.

Capetownmothercity · 15/01/2021 17:21

Wow, what a jealous cow.

Cut her completely out of your life and spend your time remembering your lovely Mum

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 17:22

she has rung me tonight apparently to say sorry,but then put me onto FIL cos his laptop is not working and cannot live stream his football tomorrow ffs told DH they are his problems only family I have left is brother amazing sis law 2 nephews which I am so happy so have x

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 17:23

@quicklybeingdrivenmad

she has rung me tonight apparently to say sorry,but then put me onto FIL cos his laptop is not working and cannot live stream his football tomorrow ffs told DH they are his problems only family I have left is brother amazing sis law 2 nephews which I am so happy so have x
So you answered and she went “sorry. Now fix the laptop”???

I’d genuinely never see her again! Do you have dc?

CrimsonCattery · 15/01/2021 17:24

Quite right OP. You do not need to even answer the phone to her. Don't let DP or FIL hand you over to her. If they try, simply hang up.

AngryPrincess · 15/01/2021 17:26

What a cow! NC.

DartmoorDoughnut · 15/01/2021 17:27

Wow what a fucking cold hearted piece of work!!

She would be dead to me.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Indecisive12 · 15/01/2021 17:29

I think I’d be going no contact even after an apology. An apology just does not cut it for that comment.

Indecisive12 · 15/01/2021 17:29

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Minky37 · 15/01/2021 17:30

There’s no coming back from that comment. The relationship with your MIL is finished now. What an absolute bitch. So sorry for your loss.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/01/2021 17:30

So sorry for your loss, it was already a hard, hard day without your MIL making it worse. I'm afraid there is no apology that would be enough for me to forgive or forget what she said. Go NC with her and make sure your DH knows you mean it.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 15/01/2021 17:30

Fuck that. What a bitch.

So sorry for your loss Thanks

There's no apology she can make to make amends. I'd back off from her entirely.

Have a lovely memorial and take care of yourself

Indecisive12 · 15/01/2021 17:31

How has your DH reacted to this?

Laureline · 15/01/2021 17:32

I would never speak to her again in my life.

strawberry2017 · 15/01/2021 17:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sometimes you have to put your own mental health first and if someone if toxic- cut them out. X

Belindabelle · 15/01/2021 17:34

You don’t want an apology as it will be meaningless.

That’s it you are done with her. Mourn your lovely mum and carry on with your life as best you can when you are ready.

My mum died last year after a long illness. I know we are all different but with my youngest soon to be 16, I am looking forward to having some time to myself this year. I feel as though I don’t have any responsibilities for the first time in years.

I do see my MIL but I only do what I feel comfortable with. I mainly help her to take the pressure off my husband. We are not that close and she can be a handful but she is not as bad as your MIL.

AIMD · 15/01/2021 17:36

Wow. It’s not even like that’s a comment that came out wrong or could be misinterpreted. To say that to someone on the day of the funeral is just cruel!

I don’t blame you for being done with her. Sound much less stress to just have no contact with her.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/01/2021 17:37

Sorry for your loss
Sounds like an excellent reason to go NC though.

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