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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To expect an apology from my MIL

167 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 15:27

MIL has always been very outspoken and I have put up with a lot over the last 20 years (even though most people including her sons and husband would agree that she is often wrong, infuriating and down right rude) Normally I would just say nothing and let it wash over me, but yesterday she broke me down, it was my mum's funeral and with the snow our area was brought to a standstill, (even though day before weather forecast just said light snow) I hastily had to ask elderly relatives and family not to travel and arrange for the hearse just to go to the crematorium as I did not want to put anyone in danger or for them to get stranded. Myself and my brother were already feeling massively guilty (as when we buried dad most of the village and all their friends and family came and it was a lovely celebration off his life) to not be able to do this for mum, upset me, so after a frantic morning I just assumed my MIL and FIL who live 5 minutes walk away from the crematorium would be the only other people there, but no I get a phone call saying she is not coming but FIL will walk, not a problem, but concludes the call with "cannot believe the weather always knew your mother was cold but this is her taking the p**s" and did not want her husband walking, told them not to bother, my mother was not cold she was the nicest person hence about 100 sympathy cards so many messages apologizing that due to the weather they could not come and stand outside just to pay their respects, I got through yesterday somehow but have told DH and FIL am done unless she changes her attitude

OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 15/01/2021 16:26

Flipping heck what a cunt. I would be expecting a grovelling apology before I would ever consider speaking to that person again.

Time4change2018 · 15/01/2021 16:27

Oh my goodness !
So sorry for your loss and the awful covid / weather that prevented you being able to give your lovely Mom the send off you wanted.
Forget your MIL, she's a bitter, insecure old woman ... Loud mean people often slag off quieter, reserved people because they unnerve them. Ignore her going forward, take a leaf from your Mom's book and remain quiet and dignified.
No longer make allowances or engage with her, let her family do that Flowers Wine

Mummyratbag · 15/01/2021 16:29

I'm so sorry that at the lowest point of your life things have been made harder by a pandemic, the weather and a complete dick.

How very unkind of her.

It sounds like your mum was very much loved, hold on to that.

LondonJax · 15/01/2021 16:30

First of all I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Mine died in early March so we had just 6 of us there (Covid rules at the time) and it still frustrates me that she didn't get the send off she deserved (but she will - we'll move heaven and earth to make sure of that eventually as I'm sure you will).

Secondly, I think there comes a point in life when some people just have to be cut out. As I'm getting older there are people I just can't be bothered with, those who have been too much to cope with or who have said inappropriate things or not thought before they open their mouths. They've now been consigned to the sidelines.

It's harder with family but you can limit contact. A birthday card or Christmas gift is fine for the sake of peace, but don't call her or take her calls if you don't want to. Your DH and any kids can visit, call or do what they wish but you don't have to. We don't HAVE to do anything.

People, like your MIL, continue to cause pain to others because they get away with it. Sometimes by sidelining them it jolts them to their senses, sometimes not. But if not, in my case, at least I don't have to listen to their nastiness. So I sleep easy.

cruisecrazy · 15/01/2021 16:30

What a spiteful bitch. I am sorry for your loss. Flowers

Robbybobtail · 15/01/2021 16:31

How disgusting! What on earth was she thinking? She sounds like a spiteful, bitter old bitch!

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2021 16:33

What an appalling thing to say! Great moment to go nc with her.

I’m sorry about your mum, funny bloody business funerals at the minute. 😢

VinylDetective · 15/01/2021 16:38

Jesus, how do you come back from that? What a nasty piece of work she is.

So sorry about your mum. Nothing hurts more. 💐

Sally872 · 15/01/2021 16:38

Cut her out. That is awful. She has shown you what she is and you have every right to never see her again. Sorry for your loss Flowers

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 16:40

I would make it clear to her that if that's her attitude, she can sort out her own care when she gets older because you'll not be looking after someone who was so horrible to you on one of the hardest days of your life. It's only when it affects them that people like that apologise. What a nasty thing for her to say about your dear mum. Flowers

nannybeach · 15/01/2021 16:42

My sympathies to you, sounds exactly like my MIL, I also spent 20 years doing exactly what she wanted, jump, "how many cm ma'am", all the kids were scared of her, everything was fine as long as SHE was happy, long boring story, you don't need to hear especially at this awful time,she failed to turn up to my DSs Wedding, which we held up for her, thinking she had been involved in an accident, DH made the choice not to speak to her 12 years ago, (or any of his siblings) best thing we ever did.

wibblewombat · 15/01/2021 16:43

Have the loveliest memorial service in due course. With cake, flowers & all the family & friends.

Don't be inviting that woman.

Whenever my mil is batshit, I leave my DH to deal with her, it's for the best.

HighSpecWhistle · 15/01/2021 16:47

Oh my god who does that?!

Please don't spend another minute thinking about her. I would cut all contact if I were you. Let your OH deal with them if needed but I'd be done. No one insults my mother, especially on the day of her funeral.

Emerald99 · 15/01/2021 16:48

What a horrible person don't speak to get until she apologises to you. So sorry about your mum Flowers

Longdistance · 15/01/2021 16:50

So sorry for the loss of your lovely mum Flowers

I’d be cutting contact too and letting all and sundry know why too. What a horrible and nasty woman.

Haffiana · 15/01/2021 16:50

I normally roll my eyes at 99% of the MIL posts on here, but this one is genuinely utterly outrageous. I am sorry that this happened to you OP.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 15/01/2021 16:51

What a needlessly nasty thing to say! She definitely should be offering up a grovelling apology but even then I’d be keeping my distance from her for a good long while.

NovemberR · 15/01/2021 16:57

I think that's utterly unforgiveable, actually. It doesn't matter how much she grovels (I doubt she will), that can't ever be taken back or unsaid.

It would be the end for me.

Stovetopespresso · 15/01/2021 17:00

so sorry for the loss of your much-loved and dignified mum op. put that comment in the fuckit bucket and concentrate on being kind to yourself xx

Halfagonyhalfhope · 15/01/2021 17:02

Just awful OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely Mum. I wouldn't bother with MIL again. Outrageously inappropriate and hurtful comment from her. She won't change.

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 17:03

We have loads of lovely pictures for dads wake we decorated them in sections showing different years, parties with friends pre me and brother, us young on holidays them playing golf, them with grandchildren just a tribute to their lives will do the same for mum when we can.

And will stand my ground told DH not having here ringing me up demanding anymore, its FIL I feel sorry for, but TBF he has let her get away with this for years my EXSIL blames her from breakdown of DH younger brothers and her marriage DH's younger brothers new partner tries to avoid her like plague,
Thanks support means a lot at the minute x

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/01/2021 17:04

Sorry for your loss. MIL sounds like one of those women where everything is all about her, or is nasty. FWIW I once observed someone trying to settle a score when Best Mans' MIL died, by telling the grieving daughter exactly why bitch's mother didn't like her mother... Had I not been there, I wouldn't have believed it. Some people are truly dreadful. Trying to settle a score at a funeral, and this doesn't even sound like she had a score to settle. I would go minimal contact, or no contact whatsoever with this horrible excuse for a human. Flowers

Welshgal85 · 15/01/2021 17:05

I’m so sorry about your mum OP, it sounds like she was a lovely woman who will be missed by many. I can’t believe how heartless your MIL has been, how horrible! How would she feel if someone was speaking like that about her on the day of her funeral! She sounds like such a cow!

What does your DH say about it all?

SunshineCake · 15/01/2021 17:05

I am so sorry you have lost your parents @quicklybeingdrivenmad and that you are left with the excuse for a mother that your MIL is. I am lost for words to be honest with what to say but I would be giving her the cold shoulder for quite a while and then maybe have a word with her. But only if you want her to understand why her son and DIL don't want to know her.

Haggertyjane · 15/01/2021 17:06

I'm speechless!