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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To expect an apology from my MIL

167 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 15:27

MIL has always been very outspoken and I have put up with a lot over the last 20 years (even though most people including her sons and husband would agree that she is often wrong, infuriating and down right rude) Normally I would just say nothing and let it wash over me, but yesterday she broke me down, it was my mum's funeral and with the snow our area was brought to a standstill, (even though day before weather forecast just said light snow) I hastily had to ask elderly relatives and family not to travel and arrange for the hearse just to go to the crematorium as I did not want to put anyone in danger or for them to get stranded. Myself and my brother were already feeling massively guilty (as when we buried dad most of the village and all their friends and family came and it was a lovely celebration off his life) to not be able to do this for mum, upset me, so after a frantic morning I just assumed my MIL and FIL who live 5 minutes walk away from the crematorium would be the only other people there, but no I get a phone call saying she is not coming but FIL will walk, not a problem, but concludes the call with "cannot believe the weather always knew your mother was cold but this is her taking the p**s" and did not want her husband walking, told them not to bother, my mother was not cold she was the nicest person hence about 100 sympathy cards so many messages apologizing that due to the weather they could not come and stand outside just to pay their respects, I got through yesterday somehow but have told DH and FIL am done unless she changes her attitude

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/01/2021 15:49

What the actual fuck?? I literally read her comment with my mouth open. That would be it for me. Zero contact even if she did apologise (which would be forced by someone else and not sincere I'm sure)

I'm sorry for your loss xx

theressomethingaboutmarie · 15/01/2021 15:50

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Losing someone is hard enough but under all of these circumstances, so very much harder. Your MIL is nasty and should be avoided - to kick you whilst you're down is unforgiveable.

VettiyaIruken · 15/01/2021 15:52

My god.
No apology would help this.
I really hope your husband and fil are as disgusted.

marshmallowfluffy · 15/01/2021 15:53

Fucking hell, that's horrible.

I'd be expecting more than an apology abc going NC over that. AngrySad

I'm very sorry for your loss Thanks

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 15/01/2021 15:54

MIL and FIL knew mum and dad before we were born through sport they were younger than my parents so quite funny when we met and married, my parents were never cold more reserved did not swear (unlike MIL think even FIL is embarrassed at times) so thats why she thinks she is cold. The day was strange but nothing we could do and we are going to have a memorial Thanks

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 15/01/2021 15:55

I'm sorry about your mum op.

my mum never spoke to my grandma, her mil, again, after her first pregnancy ended in a stillbirth and my grandma visited her and said "what you've never had you never miss", it never did any of the rest of us any harm and it was exactly what the nasty cow deserved tbh.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/01/2021 15:55

Terrible! I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Elieza · 15/01/2021 15:56

I’m so sorry for your loss and the covid enforced funeral, which sucks.

Try and have a nice gathering later in the year, perhaps on/near her birthday if the dates work, so everyone can attend and have a great time. Those who have photos of your mum from happier times past could bring them so you can enjoy seeing them and photograph them yourself for posterity.

What a horrible mil. I wouldn’t be speaking to her any time soon. Ignore, block on your phone and let DH keep in touch with her if he wants but I wouldn’t. Just forget her.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Legitimacy · 15/01/2021 15:58

That is truly awful. Evil witch. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Stand your ground, you do not have to put up with this. Thanks

moita · 15/01/2021 15:59

Bloody hell OP that's a horrific comment.

I am so sorry for your loss.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/01/2021 16:01

So sorry for your Loss OP. What a nasty thing to say, sounds like your MIL is the cold one

EKGEMS · 15/01/2021 16:04

That cunt could crawl over broken glass on her knees begging forgiveness and I still wouldn't speak to her. I'm so very sorry for your loss. What does your husband say?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/01/2021 16:04

I am so sorry about your Mum. Flowers

Why would you want to have this woman in your life? At your absolutely most vulnerable and saddest moment of your life she chose to say that? It is beyond cruel.

My MIL (lovely) cut her Mum from her life, from what I have heard she was cruel and self centred all throughout MIL's childhood and into adulthood. My MIL was an only child but still saw her Dad very regularly. And yes they were still married. I don't know what the final straw was, sadly my MIL is no longer alive to ask. But maybe this is the final straw for you.

I couldn't be in the same room as your MIL even if she did whimper out an apology. I just couldn't.

Flippyferloppy · 15/01/2021 16:08

My goodness, how utterly heartless. So sorry for your loss OP.
She sounds vile, that would be it for me.

London1977 · 15/01/2021 16:09

Oh that is so horrible. I'm so sorry OP xx

Frazzle76 · 15/01/2021 16:10

So sorry for the loss of your wonderful mum and the awfulness of having to arrange the funeral and then change everything etc.
Definitely try to have a lovely celebration of her life in lots of little ways instead. (Treat yourself to her favourite flowers, do things like coffee and cake you'd usually do with her, maybe take up one of her hobbies?)

MIL is being a bitch because its not all about her. My MIL was the same to my husband the day of my mums funeral (he managed to shield me from it) and then I got it the next day. Honestly while we haven't gone no contact we do our duty and have closed the door on Emotional attachment to them. This blockade has helped alot. And I've never forgiven MIL. I console myself that I hold the trump cards - I control how much she sees her grandkids, piss me off too much and she won't see them.

readingismycardio · 15/01/2021 16:11

I wouldn't give a crap about her apologies, that'd be enough to me to cut contact. What a bitch!!! Sorry for your loss, OP, and what a sensitive and yet hard decision to make to tell people not to travel and put themselves at risk Thanks

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 16:12

Possibly inverse snobbery?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2021 16:12

Wow your mil sounds horrendous. Not a nice person at all. I cut someone out of our lives after their behaviour to my dd at a family funeral. This person is also family by marriage. You do not have to talk to this woman ever again if you don’t want to. Flowers

IseeIsee · 15/01/2021 16:14

Nasty. I'd explain to your DH that you have tolerated her behaviour for twenty years for his benefit but the line has been crossed and that's the end of it. Really shocking.

CakeRequired · 15/01/2021 16:18

Jesus she is a cow. What a cold hearted bitch. Don't speak to her ever again, can't believe she said that you at all, nevermind on the actual day of the funeral.

I'd be telling my husband too if he even dares to defend her or try to make me speak to her without a grovelling apology from her, he'll be getting shown the door and divorce papers.

Really sorry for your loss too. As someone else said, maybe have a memorial later in the year? It's not the same, but least it would be something. Don't invite them two either.

katy1213 · 15/01/2021 16:21

That is such a bizarre thing to say that I wonder if there's something wrong with her?
I'd still cut her off, though. And that'll be one person fewer at her own bloody funeral!

MrsJonesAndMe · 15/01/2021 16:22

I'm sorry for your loss. YANBU! Flowers

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 15/01/2021 16:23

What a bitch. This is an awful time for you and she just is not even worth the thinking space. I would want to let her have it, and make sure she knows how absolutely unwelcome she is in my life but this time is about you ans your family. Not her.
Cut her out; dont bother with her. I hope your husband is going to back you up and also refuse to interact with her. She sounds absolutely vile.

HermioneWeasley · 15/01/2021 16:25

That is beyond the pale.

I’d struggle to speak to her or be around her for a very long time and your DH needs to tell her why.