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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
diddl · 15/01/2021 16:21

"I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids."

I couldn't get past that.

I never understand this.

Her own son sees/contacts her 4 times a year, you would choose to have nothing to do with her "if it wasn't for the kids".

It sounds as if they are the very reason that you shouldn't have anything to do with her!

SetRisk · 15/01/2021 16:25

This is really strange.

What blood group are you and your FIL, it’s odd you are the only person with a ‘match’

Why did you let her have the key to your house if you are so low contact.

Why don’t you change your Facebook setting so she can’t tag you and so you can’t see her messages and posts.

She is getting to you because you and your husband are letting her. It doesn’t add up that you want her in your kids lives but only contacting them by phone four times a year. It’s such a strange situation.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 15/01/2021 16:28

Medics would never in a million years encourage someone to donate a fcking kidney if they weren't 100% for it.

No means no. You dont have to justify or explain. YOU are the only person with control or say over your own body. No will suffice.
If she continues, I would block her on all platforms and cut contact.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 15/01/2021 16:29

I get that you don't feel you can block her on fb, but if you unfollow somebody, do you see what they tag you in/?

I have my settings so that nobody can post anything on my wall. I need to 'ok' it.

Sounds paranoid but some people do post some crazy shit and they don't think ''would that embarrass her I wonder''

Weirdlynormal · 15/01/2021 16:36

I'm in the 'why on earth when your DH doesn't want much to do with them are you pursuing this relationship'. Just stop.

I hope your talk tonight goes well and you conclude that this is the end of the road.

LolaButt · 15/01/2021 16:37

You do not owe these people anything. Let alone your kidney.

Hell to the no. I am stunned.

HighSpecWhistle · 15/01/2021 16:37

YANBU.

If he was trying to help himself and you got along well then I'd say YABU. But as it stands, you're pretty confident he'll carry on his addictions after the transplant. Meanwhile it leaves you vulnerable should you have kidney issues in the future.

Stand firm. Say no. If she pushes further then give it to her straight; you are not risking your future health for someone who is not respecting their own body.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2021 16:41

@HelloThereMeHearties

Look, just tell her "I cannot donate to FIL because one of my children may need a kidney one day".
This is a very good shut down. I understand your mil is scared. But this goes way beyond appropriate.
WiseOwlRelaxing · 15/01/2021 16:41

Even if you loved him, you still would not be unreasonable.

You owe nobody a kidney.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2021 16:42

HighSpec
Even if they got on well, op has children to think consider. An older adult with grown up children should not expect donation from the younger generation.

3rdNamechange · 15/01/2021 16:48

@CMOTDibbler

The easiest route is to go and talk to the transplant team - as pp said, they literally try and talk you out of it, and you only have to say no once and thats it, they will tell everyone that you weren't compatible. Then MIL will leave you alone, you look good, and its a total 'end of' situation
I think MIL should take OP decision as final. She shouldn't have to faff around with an appointment.
Listeninggirl · 15/01/2021 16:49

I never usually get involved with AIBU threads but I feel compelled here - no!!! You are NOT being unreasonable, this is unpleasant and frankly scary behaviour.

Emerald99 · 15/01/2021 16:51

Yanbu why should you risk you health for someone who is not willing to take care of theirs.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/01/2021 16:52

This reminds me of George Best, going back. I would have been heartbroken had a family member donated him a liver, as he just carried on as before, by all accounts. Yes, I know alcoholism is a terrible addiction.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 16:55

Delete and block her. I'm clinging onto a shit MIL relationship for similar reasons and I know it's hard. However, your children don't need this in their lives. When you categorically refuse, how long do you think it will take before MIL starts planting seeds in your kids minds that they could really help their lovely granddad by giving him their kidneys? She sounds unhinged.

AliceMcK · 15/01/2021 16:58

@muffinsinabox

DH has already totally and explicitly told his mother that I wont be donating and that's that so please leave us alone. She doesnt seem to have listened to that though. FB seems to be her main mouthpiece at the moment after DH told her to shut up and go away around October last year.

Photos she has posted in the past are of DC when they were younger. She doesnt get any from me and there would be absolutely no way whatsoever I would send her any. In a twisted way, even though MIL is a complete cow I sort of think every now and then that the DC need to know at least one of their 4 grandparents. My father fucked off when I was 6 years old and my mum died in my late teens.

You can set you setting so MIL can’t see your posts or pictures and you can unfollow her so you don’t have to see her stuff. You can also set your settings so people can’t tag you in things, or if the6 do you review them before going on your time line. But she will still be on your friends list and won’t know what you have done.

I did all this as I have family I feel I had to accept requests from. I’ve since moved on and just deleted anyone I don’t want to deal with.

As for the transplant, you should never feel pressured into anything. If she won’t listen to you and your DH just completely ignore her.

Like you I believe in organ transplant but would only risk my own life on someone very close to me. If anything happened to me my children would be without a mother, they are my priority, always x

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 15/01/2021 17:02

Living organ donations carry risks, and bad outcomes can and do happen. Donating a kidney is a huge, huge undertaking and should only be done by people who are absolutely adamant it's what they want, and arguably not by someone from a younger generation than the recipient. There is no way a renal transplant team will even get as far as taking a blood sample from you given your feelings. If you wanted to keep the peace, you could agree to see them knowing it will go no further than that, although imo it would be an inappropriate use of their time, but perhaps your poor relationship with your ILs makes it easier for you just to say no, which is what I would do tbh. MIL has a huge nerve even asking, never mind pressuring you.

MaggieFS · 15/01/2021 17:03

YANBU.

I would talk to the team because then you aren't the one saying no, so it might save some relationship.

In terms of Facebook, just ignore it.

Not trying to excuse her behaviour but to perhaps explain, I think you may be right when you say she thinks you might be the miracle cure without thinking through the bigger picture. Desperate people can behave irrationally.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 15/01/2021 17:13

How old are your DC? I'd be concerned that if he gets a transplant, once they're approaching teenage and the next one is coming to the end of its function, she'd be angling for their kidneys as well.

In any case, with autoimmune conditions, it's common for DCs to inherit them, but sometimes in slightly different ways, so it's possible that not just your DH, one of your DCs could need a transplant in the future. I hope not, obviously.

A call to the transplant team, annoying though it is, will sort this out for you, leaving you and your kidneys unmolested. And a good delete and block spree will solve the rest.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2021 17:13

@WhereYouLeftIt

" MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her."

If you don't want anything to do with her, why are you inflicting her on your children? I know the usual reason is 'I want them to have a relationship with their grandparents', but truly - some grandparents behaviour merits the children being kept away from them to keep the children safe.

"blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff)"
Perfect example of why your children should be kept safe from her. She is not considering what your children would do without THEIR MOTHER - all surgery carries risk, and a kidney being cut from your body is major , major surgery.

Your husband keeps his distance from her, it is time for you and the children to do the same.

^^This.

Absolutely

ilhahih · 15/01/2021 17:14

I think you should talk to the team but only briefly to say you won't be doing it.
If she's making a song and dance to them about how you are a match and you are going to do it then this needs to be nipped in the bud immediately so that they can concentrate on finding another donor.

Speaking as someone who also has a very severe needle phobia - needle phobias do not go away over night and if you're anything like me you just wouldn't be in a position to deal with all the needles that this is going to involve.... I'm considering getting therapy for my phobia at the moment but it's a long process to treat a deep-rooted phobia. It's not something you can overcome in a couple of weeks and then suddenly manage to donate a kidney.
I could be wrong, but I'm not sure a transplant team would be wanting to deal with a donor with a needle phobia.

Casschops · 15/01/2021 17:21

I can understand why you don't want to be a donor. I can also understand that when faced with the death of her husband, your MIL is acting the way she is.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/01/2021 17:27

Just block her on Facebook and your phone.

You owe her nothing.

gabsdot45 · 15/01/2021 17:46

DH recently had some initial tests with the view to donating a kidney to his best friend.
He wasn't suitable. They gave him loads of literature and explained the process.
Just based on your post you would not be approved even if physically you're a perfect match. They don't want people who have been coerced.

TillyTopper · 15/01/2021 17:52

Wow! YANBU to say no, and mean it. Personally I'd give her a outright no, then block her or come off SM entirely. However, you could speak to the transplant team and tell them you want to be unsuitable! It's completely and utterly unreasonable to expect you to do that - your first priority has to be your DCs and DH.

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