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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/01/2021 15:42

If your h, ds to this in law pair can’t handle them, if he sees them as bloody awful and toxic, what then about protecting your dc?

They are too toxic for him, add nothing to your lives and add nothing to your dc lives.

They are not safe to have within miles of you.

Block her from everything once and for all and stop access to the kids.

Your job here as parents is to protect your children from people like these.

TurquoiseDragon · 15/01/2021 15:43

@Imaginetoday I suspect the suggestion that MIL help FIL in looking after himself is to suggest an outlet to divert MIL away from harrassing OP.

PurpleMustang · 15/01/2021 15:43

Obviously everyone is of the same opinion here and one i read was a damn good point, she should be concentrating on FIL being in best health as it would be reckless to waste any kidney, let alone a living one on a shit lifestyle. Could he even be rejected off being able to have the op if they find out how he is not taking care of his health?

JanewaysBun · 15/01/2021 15:44

Block her in every way possible ...

RugsEverywhere · 15/01/2021 15:44

Unrelated but, really, there's no need to make an effort to have someone like that in your kids' lives.

ilhahih · 15/01/2021 15:45

Good grief no!
Absolutely not. As you say, if it was for DH or your DC that is a completely different matter. But a father-in-law who has already had one transplant and now needs another kidney and isn't following the guidelines on diet.

I have a friend who donated a kidney to his sister. There are a lot of risks involved for the donor too and the donor has to ensure they maintain a healthy lifestyle to protect their one kidney. My friend and his other sister were both matches but they decided that he would donate because he was single with no children (and not wanting to have any in the future) while she had two young children.
It's a major operation and he took quite a long time to recover due to an infection. He's fine now and 15 years on his sister is too.

But in your circumstances? No.

I'd block her on facebook immediately so that she can't keep up her bullying campaign on there. Then DH needs to tell her straight that it is not happening and that is the end of it.

saraclara · 15/01/2021 15:47

I think the OP will be saving the transplant team time if she contacts them, frankly. I bet anything that MIL has told the team that OP is a blood match.

Getting the contact number from MIL, and having a brief conversation with them to rule herself out allows the team to move on to more practical alternatives.

saraclara · 15/01/2021 15:49

...and yes. the transplant operation, bizarrely, is far easier on the recipient of the kidney, than on the donor. I've read about this more than once, and the difference is striking. The recipient is up and about next day, the donor is very unwell for quite a long time.

Needsleeeeepsendheeeelp · 15/01/2021 15:52

Oh good god. YANBU.

Speaking as someone who's son had a liver transplant as a baby a few years ago which was a living donor transplant (donor was his amazing dad/my DH). There is no way in hell the transplant team would proceed with a forced donation. Even in our situation, my DH had to undergo a few weeks of tests and assessments including by a physiologist to ensure it wasn't under duress etc. So regardless of whether she did grind you down to the stage you did contact the team, they wouldn't assess you.

Its not only about blood type, either. There are many other tests that need to match or pass thresholds. My DH is the same blood type as DS, but ours was nearly called off because he had an abnormal liver function. So it isn't as straightforward as she is suggesting, even if you were to agree.

I can understand her desperation. However, having been in her position (ish), I cannot understand her behaviour. My DS was four months old when he was listed for a new liver and I would never have asked ANYONE to donate. Ever. No matter how poorly he was or how desperate we were. It's SUCH a big ask, particularly when you have young dc of your own to consider. Recovery from that kind of op isn't quick.

I would tell her to back the hell off, and block her. Instead of trying to force you into something that you don't want to do (and therefore won't happen), she should perhaps focus her energy on getting your FIL to live a healthier lifestyle. So if/when he does get a new kidney, it might last a bit longer. I do, however, hope he manages to get an organ.

Tweacle · 15/01/2021 15:52

I had the exact same thing 5 years ago. Only difference is that it was my husbands sister. I had to speak to the transplant team and they had a talk with her. Relationship was fractured but after that broke completely ( no biggie for us though ). Honestly she won't stop until someone in authority steps in. Call the renal transplant team.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/01/2021 15:53

I hope you are listening to all the voices saying words to the effect of "any grandparent is not better than no grandparent"

Your dh keeps his distance from this toxic woman but you want your children to spend time with her? Confused

Go NC and live a peaceful life.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/01/2021 15:53

No absolutely not, unless you want to. It was only after I read the Jody Picoulout (sp?) about a sister needing a kidney that I realised how serious the risks are, to you, in that situation

Needsleeeeepsendheeeelp · 15/01/2021 15:53

@saraclara

...and yes. the transplant operation, bizarrely, is far easier on the recipient of the kidney, than on the donor. I've read about this more than once, and the difference is striking. The recipient is up and about next day, the donor is very unwell for quite a long time.
Absolutely right. It is. It took my DH over two months to fully recover. And then it was four years before he could play football again. Its a massive undertaking.
AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2021 16:00

Isn't there a setting on FB where you don't exactly block someone but you don't see their posts? Maybe 'ignore' or something like that?

I'm not on FB but DH is and he did that setting to a lot of his 'friends' during the last 4 years.

frazzledasarock · 15/01/2021 16:01

Why do you need to be in contact with her at all?

You’re dc need loving stable people in their love not horrible bullies.

Delete and block her from your fb. Tell her you’re not donating your organs to your FIL. And be done with her.

What benefit is this woman to your children. None.

oakleaffy · 15/01/2021 16:10

What a cheek!
If FIL Can’t be bothered to quit smoking and follow a reasonable diet, he doesn’t deserve a kidney.
Many people in desperate need would be following guidelines as to lifestyle.

I’d donate to a DC but a smoking FIL?
No!
Your kidney, your say so.

Yours may not be compatible anyway.

Passthebubbly · 15/01/2021 16:11

Send her back information on paired donation where she can donate her own kidney to someone she matches with and then her husband will get one from someone else on the scheme he matches with. What a horror she is. I almost donated once and trust me the transplant team do all they can to put you off at the start. They will also happily say you are not suitable to donate with no reason given but stuff that no way would I be pressured into it.

Passthebubbly · 15/01/2021 16:14

Also the person I was about to donate to also smokes and follows no advice even after a stroke. Whilst I was going through the tests she got the call to say they had a kidney. It was a 6/6 perfect match. All went well but only lasted 2 years due to her smoking and not taking care of herself and failing to follow any advice given from transplant team. I feel sick that I almost have mine but also for the waste of the kidney she was given. Just don’t do it.

wildraisins · 15/01/2021 16:15

This is shocking.

I get that she is probably in a lot of distress at the thought of losing him, but hounding someone to donate an organ is not OK. It sounds like he is not someone you even particularly like or respect very much, and not a blood relative, so why would you help him?

Stand your ground and keep repeating that you are not going to do it until she gets the message. She might hate you for it but it's your body! Incredibly unreasonable to pester someone about this when they have said no.

readingismycardio · 15/01/2021 16:16

I'd NEVER give an organ to my PIL. Why the hell would I? The only people I would, are my mother, father and DH and DCs (don't have any yet!)

What a bitch. You need to tell her to fucking stop, I've never heard someone being so entitled and unhinged.

Donating a kidney is not a walk in the park, ffs

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 15/01/2021 16:17

Crikey.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to say no.

I understand the desperation but what is inside you can stay that way until you decide otherwise.

My ‘spare’ kidney is earmarked for my sibling. There is a possibility it may be needed.

My body. My choice.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 15/01/2021 16:20

Wow. She sounds a nightmare.

On the face of it, talking to the transplant team would put an end to it, but she should be able to respect your views.

If you decide that you would rather keep a ''spare'' in case one of your children ever needed it, there'd be few people who wouldn't understand that decision.

Major surgery is a big deal!

theDudesmummy · 15/01/2021 16:20

I agree with people who say you should just completely disengage. I don't see why you need to say anything further to her at all, she knows your answer already and you don't have to explain anything. You do not need the transplant team or anyone else to back you up, and you have already said no, so just cut her off completely.

TodgerStrunk · 15/01/2021 16:20

You can change your settings on FB so that she can't tag you in anything. I'd do that, at least.

You're not going to change your mind; and she's not going to stop going on - so the only thing you can change is your reaction to her goings on.

oakleaffy · 15/01/2021 16:21

@Passthebubbly

Also the person I was about to donate to also smokes and follows no advice even after a stroke. Whilst I was going through the tests she got the call to say they had a kidney. It was a 6/6 perfect match. All went well but only lasted 2 years due to her smoking and not taking care of herself and failing to follow any advice given from transplant team. I feel sick that I almost have mine but also for the waste of the kidney she was given. Just don’t do it.
Jeez.

That is appalling.
A wonderful friend of DSs donated after a freak accident.
Friend saved someone who needed a heart/lung transplant.
The recipient eventually won a First at Transplant Games and donated the medal to the donor’s Mum.