What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

I wonder if all those saying that this is normal have been shouted and screamed at every day ? It’s abusive whichever way you look at it.

Or maybe shouting at their own kids every day

My dd will scream cry shout get of me your hurting me please stop which can continue for 10/15 mins every morning when doing her hair. I always think the neighbour will be thinking she's getting beat up. Then comes bathtime another tantrum because yes her hair needs washing then brushing again. Then its stomping up the stairs in rage because its bedtime. Have seen the child an family in garden or whatever how does she seem?

Why does everyone jump to social services all the time? Why not knock and just ask if everything is okay? Maybe the DD has learning disabilities or maybe it just sounds shouty?

I honestly can't believe some of the replies on here. Never go against your gut instincts. Ever. If you are worried about the child's wellbeing and she sounds distressed, report it. I do not think it's normal (or ok) to have stressful screaming matches with a child EVERY DAY.

Social Services are not demons who take innocent people's children away. They are there to support families believe it or not.

I'm not being funny but if it's disturbing you, the likelihood is it's disturbing the child. If it turns out to be nothing, that's great. You can be assured you did the right thing.

cheese because if the child is being abused this may anger the mother and/or make her use more secretive,quieter methods of abuse so nobody else notices and the child suffers for a prolonged period.

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

Why does everyone jump to social services all the time? Why not knock and just ask if everything is okay?

Because abusive people (adults) can easily hide their behaviour to a friendly neighbour who knocks at the door. Believe you me, I've worked in Social Care for over 11 years and I've seen this happen too many times.

ori21 jinx. I dont work in children's services but my role means i am also privy to such things.

Just to reiterate... I cannot knock on the door and have a chat. They don't speak English at all.

And again. Both adult and child are screaming. Back and forth. It is not one-sided. Child also crys/wails amidst the screaming.

Because abusive people (adults) can easily hide their behaviour to a friendly neighbour who knocks at the door. Believe you me, I've worked in Social Care for over 11 years and I've seen this happen too many times

This ^
The police called round to my house years ago, my then partner spoke to them completely normally, had a laugh and said everything was ok. I was on the floor in the lounge beaten black and blue. Luckily the police insisted on coming in to check- a neighbour can’t do this.

Report. Absolutely.

, and 🙄 at the PP who thinks covid is more important than a child's welfare.

I'm a teacher. I'd report this all day. If the child has special needs, screaming at her is not the way to handle it, and whilst that in itself wouldn't make them terrible parents, it's certainly worthwhile checking they don't need support.

If it's nothing, no harm done (because social services are often more light-touch than is ideal, rather than overly interfering).

[quote Ori2021]@Cheeseboardandmincepies

Why does everyone jump to social services all the time? Why not knock and just ask if everything is okay?

Because abusive people (adults) can easily hide their behaviour to a friendly neighbour who knocks at the door. Believe you me, I've worked in Social Care for over 11 years and I've seen this happen too many times.[/quote]
Why does everyone jump to social services?

It's because social services are the trained professionals. Anyone who has concerns about a child should call them for a chat. Do not take it upon yourself to knock and ask if everything is okay.

I'm astonished at how many people seem to think it's okay to shout at a child in the way the OP has outlined. It's not okay, it's abuse.

If an adult shouted at another adult like that, every day, it would be totally unacceptable. If it's an eight year old child, then it's much worse. It's horrible, it's abuse, it's unacceptable.

Call the experts, social workers who work in children's services are the professionals trained to recognise and deal with this sort of thing.

Oh and to answer another poster, if you call social services it does not result in a child being removed. This is the very last resort and there are many interventions available before you get anywhere close to that.

Some people from different countries can sound like they’re having a blazing row when really they’re having a normal conversation.

My friend is Italian and we lived together at uni - when her family would come over they would naturally speak at a extremely high volume. If was upstairs I would hear a major row ongoing, then pop downstairs to see everyone was actually relaxed and laughing! They were just naturally loud and a bit firm with how they speak to each other (talking over each other?) - just a cultural thing I guess.

I have noticed this with south Asian people too.

You can never really know unless you understand what they’re saying to each other.

My 8 year old screams at me daily - she struggles without a routine but also hates to be rushed! Getting out the door is always a rush so often there is screaming. Quite often I scream downstairs to get ready by the door whilst I am finishing getting dressed.

She is also extremely dramatic and if I give her a cross look starts screaming that I hate her whilst stomping around, you wanna report me too?

@newusername2009

My 8 year old screams at me daily - she struggles without a routine but also hates to be rushed! Getting out the door is always a rush so often there is screaming. Quite often I scream downstairs to get ready by the door whilst I am finishing getting dressed.

She is also extremely dramatic and if I give her a cross look starts screaming that I hate her whilst stomping around, you wanna report me too?

If you are screaming back at her every single day, then yes you should be reported.

Ffs. It's not just a child throwing a strop. It's the INTERACTION of parent and child, day in day out, that is worrying.

@newusername2009

It's always best to report a situation that worries/disturbs you. What you've described in your interactions with your 8 yr old reads very differently to what the OP is describing. It is NEVER a good idea to walk away from a potential safeguarding concern where children are involved.

Social Services are trained to help and support - the old fashioned view of them wrestling children out of the front door is ludicrous. This family might need structured help, or the child might need specialist intervention if she has a disability/diagnosis.

OP please do flag it up.

@newusername2009

My 8 year old screams at me daily - she struggles without a routine but also hates to be rushed! Getting out the door is always a rush so often there is screaming. Quite often I scream downstairs to get ready by the door whilst I am finishing getting dressed.

She is also extremely dramatic and if I give her a cross look starts screaming that I hate her whilst stomping around, you wanna report me too?

Do you stand in the same bedroom upstairs, screaming at her whilst she crys and wails like being tortured, screaming and crying out? For 20 minutes. Sometimes twice a day? Almost every single day?

I don't think we are talking about the same thing. We are in lockdown. They aren't going anywhere. Yes there will be homeschooling. But this doesn't sound like anything that anyone has said so far.

Oh and to answer another poster, if you call social services it does not result in a child being removed. This is the very last resort and there are many interventions available before you get anywhere close to that

But in my line of work I see the impact of this on innocent families, especially mothers. People report anonymously, and don’t think about the consequences. Even just a single visit from children’s services and then being signed off can have a major impact on the mental health of a parent, cause awful anxiety and paranoia and take the joy out of parenting forevermore.

You should never take reporting someone lightly, report with your whole chest if you’re seriously concerned but reporting anonymously and taking the stance that if it’s innocent then it won’t have any impact and everything will be fine is downright wrong.

@redamancy It really doesn't sound like the OP is taking this lightly at all. Surely the risk to the parent's anxiety is worth it when you are balancing the safety and possibly health of a child?

I don't think anyone reports possible abuse lightly.

Well if she sounds like she’s being tortured, call the police obviously

People do report neighbours and family maliciously, unfortunately. It's an extremely easy and risk free way of fucking up someone's life. And yes, some report over nothing or next to nothing. Maybe the way they brought up their child is different from the way you bring up yours.
Social Services don't have a magic wand - if a family is under stress / overworked etc, there's nothing they can do about that. They are highly unlikely to do anything to help this family, except in the unlikely case that the child is being abused and needs close monitoring or removal.

Do you stand in the same bedroom upstairs, screaming at her whilst she crys and wails like being tortured, screaming and crying out? For 20 minutes. Sometimes twice a day? Almost every single day?

You need to flag this up. Child comes first.

I think this is super hard to call. I think given there is only one child involved, I am more inclined to report, simply because that should not cause so much stress that constant shouting results. Social workers should be able to work out if there is a problem quite quickly. Having said that I'm now terrified my neighbours will report me for the screaming matches involved in home schooling 3 primary schoolers!!

As a young kid I lived in a house where my mum often had meltdowns. We called them her "wobblers" but they were actually panic attacks. They could be brought on by the slightest thing but usually arguments over money - or the lack thereof. .There was a lot of screaming and crying. Once she hit my father over the head with her handbag yelling that she had only two shillings (old money) in her purse.

My mother was also someone who loved the attention she got from the likes of doctors, nurses and other family members as she grew older. Probably a bit of Munchausen in there as well.

There were no social workers in our working class community and people minded their own business instead of constanttly worrying about what their neighbours were doing. There are too many people nowadays with too much time on their hands.

Newuser. Divas and Dictators is a good book by Charlie Taylor. It sounds like you need to make changes to stop the daily screaming at each other and that book is very good. The guy who wrote it has run schools for kids excluded from other schools so he knows his stuff