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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you think most couples who get married in their twenties last?

465 replies

Whydoesmybackhurt · 14/01/2021 19:23

I've phrased it clumsily, sorry. Do you think couples who meet and marry in their twenties generally are seen to be more successful marriages?

I can't imagine marrying that young, I'm nothing like the person I was in my early twenties. Broke off an engagement and shudder at the fact I nearly married a massive twat. But that's on me clearly, like I say I was really immature Grin

I'm fascinated by people who marry young and successfully grow together with their spouse, just can't imagine that experience at all! I do think it's seen as the 'right' timeline to aspire to in general.

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 14/01/2021 22:11

Not in my circle. Most people who married in their 20s are now divorced and on their 2nd marriages.
This also seems to be the trend on my Facebook when looking at the people I went to school with.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2021 22:11

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I doubt it. I married at 18 and was divorced at 23. Married again at 26 and it is better second time round.
Eh, you do realise you just confirmed it right? 18 is not in your twenties. 26 is.

You might have something op, I married my husband when I was 25 and he was 28. I’m now fifty two.

In my friendship group those who married in their twenties are still together, those who married in their thirties are divorced, I don’t know anyone who got married as a teenager.

Guineapigbridge · 14/01/2021 22:12

I dodged a bullet by not marrying the man I was engaged to at 21. He was nice but really boring. We would've been divorced within 5 years and I would've missed out on a lot of travel and life experience.

notalwaysalondoner · 14/01/2021 22:13

Almost everyone I know married aged 27-30 so I think it makes a huge difference if you’re 21 or 29 in terms of maturity, having clear life priorities etc. I met my DH aged 18 but we didn’t marry until 28. I can’t imagine marrying at 22 would have meant we were any more likely to split up, but DH was nowhere near ready at that age so maybe the fact of choosing to get married means you’re more likely to be rushing into it or too intense? I’m sure the statistics would back up a difference in divorce rates between very early and very late twenties.

EmpressSuiko · 14/01/2021 22:13

@Babdoc my heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

ASandwichNamedKevin · 14/01/2021 22:13

Broke off an engagement and shudder at the fact I nearly married a massive twat. But that's on me clearly, like I say I was really immature

Kudos @Whydoesmybackhurt you had the wit to break off the engagement and not marry the twat, that's more brave than immature in my opinion.

I got married in my late twenties, hope to be together til the end, I got very lucky - I think a lot is down to luck and timing, our meeting was quite a fluke really.
I don't believe there is only one person for everyone, statistically it doesn't make sense, but there are some people you can have a good enough relationship with and some people you can have a wonderful relationship with and if you're lucky you'll meet one of those. Might have to kiss a few frogs first though!

UnrulyJulie · 14/01/2021 22:16

We got married when I was 25 and DH 28. We already had a 4 month old so it was ready or not! We’d been together for 3 and half years by then and have been married almost 24 years now.

There’s only one couple in our peer group who married at a similar age that got divorced.

DD is now the same age as I was when I got pregnant and is horrified that I was so young. I am tooGrin. Her boyfriend is 26 and she insists she won’t get married or have DC until she’s early 30’s. There’s the issue at setting up home for a start which is almost impossible on a an entry level job wage!

Nowadays early 20’s is way too young to settle down but back then it was pretty average. The worlds a different place now, we’re aging slower, there’s more to see and do, more opportunities.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/01/2021 22:18

I actually think a lot of people rush into marriages in their thirties because they are worried about running out if time to have a baby. People marrying in their twenties are likely to really get to know their partner before marrying because they have time on the side.

Cameleongirl · 14/01/2021 22:20

@VodselForDinner

Most of the couples I know who have split met in their mid-late thirties.

Clock ticking, married and had babies quickly, then realised they weren’t compatible long term.

That’s a good point, Vodsel. Most of the couples I know who married in their 20’s ( and have stayed together) waited until their 30’s to have a family so they’d know each other pretty well before adding in the stresses of family life!
twinkletoesimnot · 14/01/2021 22:21

I got married at 16 and my dh was 21.
We will have been married for 23 years soon.
We are so glad we have each other and are truly still in love even after 6dc!
It's got to be about the person rather than their age surely?

twinkletoestwinklenose · 14/01/2021 22:21

I met my DH at 16, fell in love, married at 21, we're coming up to mid 30's now and I still love him as much as ever, @Babdoc I'm so sorry for your untimely loss.

000tiredmomma · 14/01/2021 22:23

Me too!
Met my husband to be when I was 16 & he was 18, married when I was 20.
2 children, 2 houses & a puppy later; we're
celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year. We still laugh like we're teenagers!
Lots of family & friends tried to say we were too young, but our marriage has outlasted some of theirs.

2021hastobebetter · 14/01/2021 22:30

I met a lovely guy at aged 24 and was with him for 4 years - dumped him for being boring and doing lovely things like driving my car. Went out with a idiot who was far wealthier but abusive. My friend married my ex and they are still together and have 4 lovely DC and a shared happy life together. I don’t socialise with them as he said I broke his heart and he married her on the rebound but they seem very very happy. After numerous shit relationships I realise what I had- mr perfect and he was. I’ve settled etc in the past and thought I didn’t deserve mr nice - I’m thinking and hoping it’s just a feeling right now that someone lovely is coming round the corner. Really feeling it and feel I deserve it now.

Letsrunabath · 14/01/2021 22:31

Married at 21 husband was 19 (I was not pregnant) still happily married 30years on. I believe in true love, if you can’t bare to be apart in those first few years and you adore each other that will carry you a long way . Life will throw some curve balls and you both learn together.
I laugh know about how besotted we were but it was lovely and has given us firm foundations.
That’s why I’m in bed on mumsnet and he’s watching some old war film.🤣🤣🤣

2021hastobebetter · 14/01/2021 22:31

I meant doing loving things like de icing my car - he would just get up and go and do it even if he wasn’t working then he would make me breakfast and tea on his day off etc

Letsrunabath · 14/01/2021 22:34

Oops didn’t have children till we’d been married 10 years. So did have lots of fun together

Bodyformforyouuu · 14/01/2021 22:36

Married at 21. He was 27. 14 years later on I’ve not regretted it for a second. We are best friends. Although friends who have got married since then I’d say over 50% are apart now. I don’t think it’s an age thing really.

IamnotaStepfordHousewife · 14/01/2021 22:41

Together since I was 19, DH was 20, 6 years later got married after me being at uni and him in the Army. Didn't live properly together full time until married due to Army housing rules but still together 18 years on. I'm cynical at the best of times about young relationships and true love but sometimes it does work.

TableFlowerss · 14/01/2021 22:51

No I don’t. I think if you marry at 20/21 without having experienced other people and things, it’s likely a recipe for ‘what ifs’.

It’s not to say you don’t care about your partner but I think at times of stress etc it could push many people in to wondering if the grass is greener.

I also think you change so much between late teens and late 20’s, even if there is love there, it’s not always enough.

I get people will argue against this and that’s fair enough but I suspect it’s mainly because they are in that situation and it brings it home.

Some will last the duration but I think that’s the exception rather than the norm I’m afraid.

In my experience most people want to test drive a few cars before buying one

Thewinterofdiscontent · 14/01/2021 22:51

My parents generation managed it well (I’m late forties). Ours not so much.

Out of my sons small primary class (12 kids) exactly half were divorced were by the time kids were in year 10. All were married in thrir 20’s.

Of the 6 that were left, one got married after being a single parent, one couple still live together ( never married) and the other 4 seem fine.
Interestingly it was ALL of the mums of the girls that divorced. Although some also had boys in other years so maybe not that relevant.

Trickyboy · 14/01/2021 22:54

7 kids. (Dcs & DSC) wealthy middle class south east. Obviously have a LOT of kids parents friends. Just had a count up. Of 53 parent groups I can think of... only 2 are 'originals'. Almost all are second marriages (no living together round here - property values too high for anyone to risk that ) .. the second marriages tend to be child free and around the 8/9 yr old age for kids when first marriage ends.
Almost all wives were SAHMs in first marriage and WFTOH in second.

BiBabbles · 14/01/2021 22:55

I agree it's an idealized timeline socially in a lot of media and things, though the research on it is more varying (though COVID may have an impact on previous findings), some of it supports that most make it, the quality is a bit more up for debate, but what's typical on a population level doesn't always matter on the individual one.

My brother married at 20, divorced 2 years later. I think he married because they'd been dating so long, but they were a young partying fun fit and not a life fit.

I married at 18, am still happily married nearly 20 years later. We've had our hard years, but I still view him and our marriage as the best choices I've ever made. I can imagine my life easier without our children than I can without him. My favourite way to start or end the day is just spending an hour or so talking and being with him. We never really partied together, but we're a life fit that has fun together.

Mostly pulling this out of my arse, but from my own observations, part of the issue for my brother and similar that I know is that their early relationships involved a lot of I guess stereotypical young people things - like I said, a good party fit getting drunk and having together which was good then, but not for life for most people. We grew up in an area with a lot of "you know it's for better or for worse" and "family gets through". There was little encouragement to consider what makes a good relationship or a good partner until things go wrong. You just relationship escalator it from one stage to the next and it either works or crashes and burns, often with a veneer period where things look fine while it sorts itself one way or the other or into grinding misery.

The books my parents got when I was in middle school and their relationship was pretty much undead with depressed teenagers, I was the weirdo kid reading those (I was also reading university brochures when I was 11, little-me was very future 'get me the fuck out of here' focused). I had a lot of teen-rocky relationships from typical teen-fuckery trying to figure things out, but it kinda clicked with my now-spouse - we talked through our views of children and careers before we even had sex (no idea why, did not plan that, just started talking and like now our conversation took a life of its own), we both had a medical emergency within a few months after we moved in together and had to figure out how to deal with that, our first extended argument (not a large one, it just took way longer than usual) was on trying to resolve our different religious perspectives -- and that's all changed, pretty much nothing then is how we live or think now and we're very different people now even medically, but we worked out how to work things out and that we can work things out with each other as we have similar values around the big life topics even if we come at it from different perspectives. We figured out how to be a life fit, though we have to refigure that out sometimes as we go through all the bumps in life.

Londonmummy66 · 14/01/2021 22:55

DH and I married in our mid 20s and will be 30 years and still going next month.

Dowser · 14/01/2021 22:56

We didn’t, me 23
Him 21
Only got 32 years

Goldieloxx · 14/01/2021 23:00

Married at 35, if I'd married the boyfriend I had at 25 I'd have been divorced after 5 years. It seems so young to me