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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Wife2b · 14/01/2021 18:07

Sorry OP you’re being OTT. It obviously really hurt him. I’d go see and ask how his head is.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 18:12

@Wife2b

Sorry OP you’re being OTT. It obviously really hurt him. I’d go see and ask how his head is.

She has, he's now choosing to ignore her. Still acceptable behaviour?

HappydaysArehere · 14/01/2021 18:13

As above.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2021 18:13

I remember on the other thread it was clear that your DSS has I think some emotional issue from how your DH parents him - this incident I think on reflection further proves that.

What did you want from this thread. its clear that the same issues exist as before and it is your DH that is the problem in all of this

gottakeeponmovin · 14/01/2021 18:14

Ignoring her now is not acceptable but he is probably embarrassed that he shouted. Time for DH to intervene. This whole situation is a mountain out of a molehill. I'm sure OP will understand when her kids are a bit older

year5teacher · 14/01/2021 18:15

I’d let this go, but I don’t understand people saying “I shout at anyone near me if I hurt myself” - I mean.. you’re an adult and that isn’t acceptable behaviour.

marshmallowfluffy · 14/01/2021 18:15

I'm not surprised that he's a super lenient Disney Dad with only the older boys.

I suspect the problem will get worse as they probably know that they can get away with behaviour because of their Dad and you have your hands tied.

I'm not surprised that a 10yo didn't stay in his zone. It's just in a 10yo's nature for the excitement level to climb to such a height that he forgets the rule to stay in his zone.

EleventhNight · 14/01/2021 18:19

You seriously need to get a life OP if this is seriously what you’re kicking up a fuss over

He’s a child and he was hardly disrespectful

20CMB21 · 14/01/2021 18:20

I would let it go. It's pretty typical of the kinds of behaviours children display when they're with their parents/siblings. Not great, but not worth losing any sleep over.

If it is part of a wider problem, though, you would be better trying to sort out the metaphorical wood as a whole, rather than fixating on the individual trees.

AIBU is perhaps not the best place for this.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 14/01/2021 18:21

Ooohhhh are you the poster whose DSS dropped your toddler on his head and your husband refused to scold him in any way? The DSS cries any time he does something even mildly wrong and never gets punished?

If so then I can see why this small thing has riled you, as it's obviously a reaction to his inability to ever be in the wrong.

Minky37 · 14/01/2021 18:21

I would try to get it out in the open now rather than letting it fester with DSS sulking. I would say ‘let’s have a chat about what happened earlier.... ‘ acknowledge that it probably wasn’t the best idea to play this inside, ask what he would have done differently (not move across the room), say you’re sorry he hurt himself, and even though he’s angry he’s hurt he can’t shout at adults like that, and what does he think now??
Just keep the dialogue going, without you turning into the baddie over a daft mistake.

HerRoyalNotness · 14/01/2021 18:22

Even my 3yo apologises if she’s been shouting/screaming at me after she’s had a little think and calmed now.

So no, of unreasonable to have an apology of anyone, including SC, if they’ve been screaming at you

Godimabitch · 14/01/2021 18:22

Lead by example.

Go up and appologise for telling him to do something that got him hurt and that you were silly. If he doesn't then appologise for shouting at you, then say that you were upset that he shouted at you. If doesn't apologise then ask him if he thinks he should apologise for shouting. If he says no then say that you would appreciate an apology for him shouting at you and when he feels ready you're happy to talk.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 18:24

@gottakeeponmovin

I have an older child, I also have a younger child. I look after toddlers for a living and have a baby on the way. I wouldn't accept that from any age. I might not expect an apology but they would definitely be told its not acceptable. The "OP will understand when her child is order" os just an excuse to allow unacceptable behaviour.

Aneley · 14/01/2021 18:29

Not sure if applicable here but some people have an automatic anger/rage response to sudden pain. I'm one of them. I was raised very strictly and am quite polite, never raise my voice normally... but if I hit my elbow (for example) or stub my toe on the corner of the bed... then the best approach of anyone near me is not to address me or touch me. The best explanation I came up with is that I find all interventions (even the gentlest ones) distracting me from managing pain at that moment and therefore lash out.

As an adult, of course, I can explain this and apologize if it happens but as a child I am doubtful I would have been able to articulate my feelings as I am now. I vividly remember falling and injuring my knee very badly (needed stitches) when I was about your DSS age. My father (big authority figure in my life) ran to me all worried and I literally hissed at him, very disrespectfully, to leave me alone. I was irrationally still upset with him an hour later.

I don't know if your DSS may have the same issue, but I'd let him be a little and then have a calm conversation about what led him to speak to you like that.

pointythings · 14/01/2021 18:31

Having read the whole thread I agree with those posters who state that the issue is your husband's unequal treatment of the children in the household. This incident is trivial, the underlying problem is not. If you have tried to address it and feel you are getting nowhere, there isn't an easy solution. However, the unequal treatment will have a negative effect on all the children in the family.

Only you can decide what the best course of action is.

kingdomcapers · 14/01/2021 18:32

Take it on the chin OP. For what it's worth my DS wouldn't react like that with a teacher or aunt or friend's mum but would show his anger and upset to me. Hormones start to come into play and boys can get cross and angry and they don't understand why or how to deal with it. They let it spill over with the people they are most comfortable with. Go and speak to him, apologise and let him know you understand why he got cross. He already knows he didn't handle it well but he's painted himself into a corner. Give him a way out so you can all move on.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 14/01/2021 18:33

@RainbowCarpetSurfing I seldom comment on these threads but here goes (hard hat on).

His behaviour was not acceptable. I would not accept it from my 5 year old and I really wouldn't accept it from a 10, nearly 11 year old. If he can't listen to the rules of the game and shouts at you, you won't play games with him. This is because you don't want him to get hurt but you can't trust him to listen. It's a shame.

Not unkind, not punitive, but entirely consequence based.

Although YABU to play with balloons because I hate them (nasty squeaky rubbery bursting things 😋.)

nanbread · 14/01/2021 18:39

It's not perfect behaviour and ideally he wouldn't have screamed at you but you have to pick your battles and I wouldn't pack this one. I'd maybe say something like, I'm sorry you got hurt in the game. I understand it's horrible hurting your head but I'd prefer it if you didn't shout at me next time.

GwendolineMarysLaces · 14/01/2021 18:40

I'd take it as a compliment that he feels relaxed enough in your company to lose the plot. Pick your battles.

upsidedownwavylegs · 14/01/2021 18:41

No 11 year old would be getting to ignore me in my own house. And any other adult would be very ill advised to try to allow them to. Most people have an angry pain reaction and kids aren’t known for great impulse control, but ignoring you afterwards is the most awful bratty intentional rudeness that I would expect his father to come down like a ton of bricks on or suffer worse consequences from me than an 11 year old could dream of inflicting. I remember your other thread - him indulging this ‘sensitivity’ is creating a very unlikeable child who will turn into an even more unlikeable adult.

MrsPinkCock · 14/01/2021 18:46

OP, did you ever get to the bottom of why he treats SDS so differently? Is it just because he’s “sensitive”?

FWIW I was with you 100% on your last thread but the overriding issue, as you have identified, is a DH problem and not a DSS one.

I wouldn’t need an apology from my DSS for this incident but I would for the dropping one. Is it possible you’re projecting here - you are perhaps reacting slightly more angrily to this incident because you’re worn down by there being so many similar incidents where DH doesn’t back you up?

Unfortunately if you two aren’t on the same page parenting wise, and DH won’t even consider changing, it’s only going to breed resentment and contempt in your relationship. You’ll just get more and more irritated by it (rightly so) until you’ve had enough.

Calmandmeasured1 · 14/01/2021 18:47

🎵Let it go, let it go 🎵

Lolapusht · 14/01/2021 19:08

Im with you OP. Not an acceptable way to behave. It was either an accident they bumped heads in which case it was no-one’s fault OR he was responsible for the bumping in which case it was his fault. You don’t get to yell at someone it was their fault when it absolutely wasn’t. Actually, you don’t get to yell at people like that at all. Also, playing with a balloon is akin to juggling chainsaws?! REALLY?! God help us if a 10 year old can’t safely bounce a balloon around a living room. My DC managed it from about 3 yrs. The only thing I would have done (if you had time before he decided to ignore instructions) would be to have reminded them not to try and head it at the same time and if they did it again you’d stop the game as they weren’t following the rules. A 10 year old should be able to emotionally process this incident, hormones or no. YANBU!!!

NewYearNewTwatName · 14/01/2021 19:14

This ^

No it's not acceptable to shout at you and blame you for an accident.

yes its understandable, but needs addressing when the DC has calmed down.

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