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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:50

@giantangryrooster

Op haven't you ever as a child hurt yourself playing with others and only wanted to escape, so they didn't see you cry or hurt yourself and felt 'wronged' and taken the healthy approach of leaving the situation?

I think you were very wrong to try to force him to stay, I would have hated you, if you had done that to me.

(and i really don't care if you are a stepmother or not, you don't seem that experienced in older than toddlers. Dc do react this way, it's normal and not against you, unless you escalate the situation).

I didn't try to force him to stay? Confused

I tried to console him but he didn't want to be comforted at the time. When he left the room I gave him space to calm down.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/01/2021 17:51

Op. AIBU
Mn. Yes
Op. No I’m not. Thank you thank you to those small number of people who are agreeing with me to be nice, I knew I was right.

Op, parenting is a long road, he was hurt and lashed out. You’re being unreasonable to be this petty and het up about it.

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 17:51

You've posted before I think about the unequal way your DH treats the children.

This is part of the outcome - you are beginning to not want to have any part of it.

I don't blame you.

wildraisins · 14/01/2021 17:51

I don't think it's an appropriate way for a 10 YO to talk to an adult, however he was obviously hurt.

I would drop it.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:51

Your a step parent on MN so you will be in the wrong no matter what.

Not really but in this case, a mother wouldn't start a thread about wanting an apology from a 10 year old Hmm who shouted when he hurt himself.

Any reasonable adult, not just the parent, would wait and calmly tell the child you don't shout, even if the "it's all your fault" sounds VERY mild frankly and hardly disrespectful or rude.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 14/01/2021 17:51

No I wouldn't tolerate it, I would wait until he had calmed down and speak to him about it It seems as if there are underlying issues here so the first person I would be speaking to would be DH

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:52

I'm not going to hold a grudge over it of course, but I stand by my belief that how he responded warranted an apology.

I can see that the majority think I'm being unreasonable and that's fine, it doesn't mean I have to change my position (on the thread)

I was just interested in hearing other people's take on the matter.

OP posts:
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:53

when our DS (3) accidentally hurt DH this morning by jumping on his back he told DS to apologise

😂

it's not your DS who got hurt then!

If you think it's double standard, should your DH told YOU to apologise to the child? That would be fair then.

You are consistently treating your own and your DH's children very differently.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:53

@YoniAndGuy

You've posted before I think about the unequal way your DH treats the children.

This is part of the outcome - you are beginning to not want to have any part of it.

I don't blame you.

Hello,

Yes I have. Twice over the past year.

Different issues but the same emphasis, DH having double standards.

OP posts:
hannahrose123 · 14/01/2021 17:54

I actually agree with the PP that said we have a discipline problem in this country...

I am a teacher, and also experience the behaviour of friends/families children. There are so many instances where the parents take this 'softly, kind, let's talk about our emotions' approach. The children are often brats, rude and talk to their parents really disrespectfully.

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 17:54

I'm sure you posted about your DSS dropping your toddler.

The backstory if I remember it was pretty huge.

Your DH won't say boo to them, but is really harsh on your joint children.

I think lots of people said this just can't work.

Maybe post in stepparents.

Yes, this one is fairly trivial... only it isn't. It's posted in the context of a child who has screamed at you because he knows he can, in your home, where you should be able to be the parent/adult that you choose to be, to all of them.

It can't work, it isn't working.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:54

DH having double standards.

I haven't read the past threads, but based on this one, sounds like your OP is balancing out because of YOU and your own double standards.

Ponoka7 · 14/01/2021 17:55

"Childhood is a prime age to nurture emotional intelligence and prevent horrible behaviour in adulthood."

I was going to say similar. I think now, is the time for the DH to have a chat about controlling anger and dealing with being hurt. Perhaps we wouldn't have so many young men throwing punches over nothing on nights out, if they had learnt appropriate reactions earlier on. Young men/boys should have conversations about anger issues, as they arise.

I wouldn't particularly want an apology, though.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:56

You are consistently treating your own and your DH's children very differently.

I am yes, in only one sense.

I feel able to address matters with my bio DC and I don't feel able to with DSC.

In every other way they are treat equally.

OP posts:
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 14/01/2021 17:56

It's posted in the context of a child who has screamed at you because he knows he can, in your home

yes, because only a disrespectful child would ever shout when he hurts himself Hmm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 17:56

You might not tolerate it but I bet it will still happen! He's a preteen, in lockdown, probably hormonal with a bang on the head!

It probably will still happen but what has that got to do with anything? It doesn't mean it has to be tolerated just because it happens.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2021 17:56

I remember the dropping - OP you have a relationship problem that is becoming a significnat issue for your children

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 17:56

There will be more help in stepparents. There is the most interesting thread running there at the moment which discusses the problems which arise when you have a blended family featuring a dad who wants it all to be perfect for his children, at the expense of everyone else.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/01/2021 17:59

I accept it was a bad idea, but the head bumping happened because they chose to deliberately ignore instructions after being told to stay where they were.

Kids playing with a balloon aren’t going to stay where they are though, half the fun in playing with balloons is following where they go, and balloons drift a lot. I think when your own children reach this age and stage your views might change on how they play.

As it was the 10 year old hurt himself and lashed out at someone who is hopefully a safe person with a secure relationship. I’d have a chat about him being hurt (acknowledging how hard it is to stay in one place playing with a balloon) and let it drop. The best way to teach children to say sorry (and mean it) is to model the behaviour you want to see.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:59

@YoniAndGuy

I'm sure you posted about your DSS dropping your toddler.

The backstory if I remember it was pretty huge.

Your DH won't say boo to them, but is really harsh on your joint children.

I think lots of people said this just can't work.

Maybe post in stepparents.

Yes, this one is fairly trivial... only it isn't. It's posted in the context of a child who has screamed at you because he knows he can, in your home, where you should be able to be the parent/adult that you choose to be, to all of them.

It can't work, it isn't working.

Yes that's correct.

I received alot of sterling advice on that thread.

The overwhelming response was that I have a DH problem.

We had a serious conversation following and I felt he had taken things on board.

After the way they behaved at Christmas I then doubted that.

Then today the screaming at me went completely over his head.

The irony is when our two are being naughty or do something wrong he tells them in no uncertain terms to apologise, and they do.

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 14/01/2021 17:59

Apologies OP, I misunderstood 'you stay there'. But still his reaction to hurting himself is normal.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 18:00

@Bluntness100

Op. AIBU Mn. Yes Op. No I’m not. Thank you thank you to those small number of people who are agreeing with me to be nice, I knew I was right.

Op, parenting is a long road, he was hurt and lashed out. You’re being unreasonable to be this petty and het up about it.

So it's not the whole of MN disagreeing then, if their are quite a few agreeing? Also, I'm not agreeing "to be nice" why would I care? OP is a stranger on the Internet I will never meet. I just agree with her, as do about a quarter of the other posters on the thread.
YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 18:01

This incident is just not important OP. It's the bigger picture. I'd honestly post in stepparenting. Unless your DH changes big time, the blended family he thinks he's creating by making sure his darling dc don't ever feel the slightest bit pushed out, is going to turn into exactly the opposite - younger children who resent their half siblings for being the chosen ones, their dad for treating them unfairly, and a wife who eventually calls it a day.

Your younger children deserve much better.

saraclara · 14/01/2021 18:03

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

In response to PP's I did say, immediately afterwards, that it was a silly idea and asked if he was ok.

To which he ignored me and continues to.

The fact that he's now ignoring you is not on.

I could have overlooked the instant yelling, but if he's not accepted your admitting that it wasn't a great idea, and checking he was okay, then ignoring you is deliberate and we don't need any more sulky blokes in the world.

PenguinUnit · 14/01/2021 18:05

Not really but in this case, a mother wouldn't start a thread about wanting an apology from a 10 year old

Well yes, as has been pointed out several times by posters and OP, she doesn't feel able to discipline her DSC as she would her own children, hence the difference in starting a thread about one and not the other. If we were talking about OPs DC, she would have dealt with it by now, because she's their parent and can.

I think this is the biggest issue tbh. Step parents expected to treat everyone the same but also not feeling able to do what they would with their own children when it comes to discipline/situations like this.

Of course OP wouldn't post if it were her child. It's precisely because this isn't her child that she feels unable to deal with it herself like she would her own and wanted the support of her partner.