To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

Catching up with posts excuse the delay

What did you want from this thread. its clear that the same issues exist as before and it is your DH that is the problem in all of this

Well I was hoping for my position to be validated and for some to see where I'm coming from, I knew not everybody would.

Ooohhhh are you the poster whose DSS dropped your toddler on his head and your husband refused to scold him in any way? The DSS cries any time he does something even mildly wrong and never gets punished?

Hi, yes that's me.

I NC'd, largely because I pre empted being told how awful I am for moaning about DSS, again.

FFS the one time I use the quote instead of copying and pasting and it doesn't bloody work.
going to have scroll back and fine it now

No, I wouldn't accept this from my child.

I'd make room for the fact he is a child and still learning, but part of that learning process has to be understanding:

1. why you can't blame everyone else for your actions;
2. why you need to listen to instructions in the first place;
3. how to laugh at yourself / generally behave with good grace when things go badly;
4. failing all that, apologise when you've done something wrong,

and therefore warrants a calm chat later when he's calmed down.

His reaction doesn't make him a bad child, just a normal one as many PP have said.

However, the bit that seems to be missing from many posters' opinions on the subject is the actual parenting that follows that normal child behaviour so that they grow up to be pleasant young adults...

Hi, yes that's me.

I NC'd, largely because I pre empted being told how awful I am for moaning about DSS, again.

You were 100% justified in your last thread, and I think most posters supported you you. Your DSS has some kind of mental / emotional issue, compounded by his parents soothing him constantly and never letting anything be his fault.

In this thread it seemed like you were overreacting about a small balloon accident, but the background information makes it much more obvious that the balloon thing was just the straw that broke the camels back for you.

It must be very frustrating for you, but this is a DH problem. He really needs to work on DSSs resilience. He's going to be eaten alive at secondary school.

from way back on page 4

^Today 17:05 FTMF30

cantgetmyheadroundit

*To be brutally honest, you have a bit of a shock coming if you think children's emotions can be so easily controlled.

I'm a step parent myself, it's really no big deal, he was upset. Gird your loins*

But it's not about controlling kids' emotions. It's about addressing them so they grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults

Its understandable why the DSS lashed out but it doesn't mean it's acceptable behaviour. His reaction doesn't warrant punishment by any means but addressing that shouting at someone just because you are hurt is not ok is something that should be done

OP should be able to address this directly with DSS and DH should have if DSS is not receptive

this^

Is his head ok? And that of the other child?

I don't think anyone should be screaming at anyone, he was bound to get carried away in the game, and you acknowledge it was a stupid thing to suggest.

I think he should apologise for shouting but it should be a 2 minute conversation, not a big deal.

Sounds like you will consistently have these problems while you and your partner are not on the same page on his to parent the children. This would be my bigger concern then a 10 year old misplacing their manners.

You were 100% justified in your last thread, and I think most posters supported you you. Your DSS has some kind of mental / emotional issue, compounded by his parents soothing him constantly and never letting anything be his fault.

Yep you are absolutely correct.

In this thread it seemed like you were overreacting about a small balloon accident, but the background information makes it much more obvious that the balloon thing was just the straw that broke the camels back for you

Again you're right.

As is often the case there is a gradual build up of issues which results in somebody having an "enough is enough" mindset, so I maybe seem intolerant or that I'm over reacting.

You know, I have on several occasions felt that I would be doing everybody a favour by leaving. I was very naive wrt how difficult a blended family would be, largely because the extent of DH's Disney dadding didn't show up until we had our own.

With corona taking over mumsnet, it feels like ages since we’ve had a good old AIBU, yes you are, no I’m not thread

I think the problem is OP is that even with the backstory your position with this shouldnt be validated because as many posters told you then and both myself and Wheredothebluebirdsfly have said here your DSS is not emotionally being equipped to deal with stuff because of his parenting.

At some point he seems to have been taught to be scared of his emotions because his parents (particularly your DH) have gone out of their way not to allow him proper emotional development. That means when things happened such as the incident today he lashes out due to his perceived failure and embarrassment

Your reaction regarding disrespect isnt the right one either and also misses the point about what your DH has done to him. He is emotionally disregulated because he has never been allowed to process them himself. (Tantrums are a very important part of development). Please look up Emotional Dysregulation because from this and your other thread it is his problem.

www.parentingforbrain.com/self-regulation-toddler-temper-tantrums/

At the same time he is going in a completely different direction with your children - coming down much harder on them. Which is a different way of screwing them up.

You have I think a quite disturbed SS that isnt helped by any of the adults involved and needs some quite involved help. Whether you should or not I tihnk depends on how much you need to protect your own children from their father

He needs to harden up more than he needs to apologise.

His head is absolutely fine yes, it was a total over reaction on his part.

Younger DSS barely reacted at all and he has a lower threshold for pain and injury, such as he will cry if he grazes his knee.

Both boys were promptly checked over, no marks.

I think DSS1' outburst was due to embarrassment more than anything else.

Yes you are absolutely right to expect an apology. If I had shouted/spoken to any adult that way I would have been disciplined and rightly so. You deserve same respect as the child's Parents.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Yes I have.

I had a feeling the thread would go this way.

If I was posting about my own DS I'm sure I would have got a different response.

Step parents are always in the wrong on here and now apparently it's fine to scream and shout at them.

Then why post?

A lot of children are over-emotional at the moment.

Give him a cuddle, say you're sorry and give him the opportunity to do the same.

Rainbowcarpetsurfing yes I have no doubt he was embarassed but because he has never been allowed to self regulate his emotions

raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/understanding-behaviour/self-regulation

Is another read.

At least see what the issue is rather than a step mother lack of respect issue from him.

This is very much a failure of your DH - whether anyone will allow you to solve it I dont know but your DH needs to try

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Catching up with posts excuse the delay

What did you want from this thread. its clear that the same issues exist as before and it is your DH that is the problem in all of this

Well I was hoping for my position to be validated and for some to see where I'm coming from, I knew not everybody would.

Ooohhhh are you the poster whose DSS dropped your toddler on his head and your husband refused to scold him in any way? The DSS cries any time he does something even mildly wrong and never gets punished?

Hi, yes that's me.

I NC'd, largely because I pre empted being told how awful I am for moaning about DSS, again.

Oh FFS.

Do you not think the backstory makes a difference to the answers you'd get?

In a way this reminds me very much of the 'dropping the toddler' incident, by means of the way DSS responded disproportionately.

When he dropped his sister his response was to stand and shake/quiver when I shouted "no!" and rushed to scoop her up, then burst into tears because (and he said this much) he was going to get told off.

For those who didn't see that thread, DH's response was to console him and say it's ok it's done now.

No, not an apology, What you need to do as an adult is have a conversation where you explain that you understand why he blamed you because he was hurt and maybe it was a silly idea, but shouting at people is not nice behaviour. If you get the tone right, he may apologise of his own accord , and learn something - but do not demand one, that way he will only learn to despise you.

Do you not think the backstory makes a difference to the answers you'd get?

Yes more than likely, but I didn't want to list off all of the problems I've had because MN is heavily bias against step mothers and I already pre empted getting a hard time. I alluded to the type of things that were an issue in my OP without wanting to write paragraphs talking negatively about him.

Despite what some might take from the thread, I love the boy.

I remember your other thread OP and even before I knew it was you I thought YANBU.

(And you're right, it would be very interesting to see the difference in responses had you said DS rather than DSS)

Then help him regulate his emotions and get your DH to understand just how damaging his parenting is

But you seem to ignore all the posts telling you what the issue is and just seem to want validation

@unmarkedbythat

You want to demand an apology and make a big deal out of this? Really? He hurt his head, he was shocked and upset, get over yourself for goodness sake. "Screeching and disrespect"... honestly, you sound so pompous.

This Give yer head a wobble OP

@Twillow

No, not an apology, What you need to do as an adult is have a conversation where you explain that you understand why he blamed you because he was hurt and maybe it was a silly idea, but shouting at people is not nice behaviour. If you get the tone right, he may apologise of his own accord , and learn something - but do not demand one, that way he will only learn to despise you.

That is what I wanted to do.

I wouldn't have demanded an apology, definitely not.

Unfortunately I didn't feel able to have that conversation with him as whenever there is an issue DH doesn't back me up. I'm also mindful of the fact he would probably go home and tell his mum I'd been nasty to him.

He throws around the term 'bully' like it's going out of fashion, I can just see I would come out of it looking like the cruel step mother.

DH was in the room when he screamed at me and it went completely over his head. Similarly DH was in the room when the toddler incident happened, ditto at Christmas when he was overtly ungrateful about the gifts I bought him.

I have a huge DH problem, DSS' ways are because of that.

Just reading through some of the replies on this thread it’s really no wonder there are so many entitled brats these days. If that’d been my child I wouldn’t necessarily want an apology but I would definitely be telling them, when they’d calmed down, that they are not to blame me for an accident or shout/scream in my face.

The game was a bit of fun and I think the people focussing on this are absurd.
OP it sounds like your dh is really doing a disservice to his son (maybe there is guilt following the breakdown of the relationship with his mother?). He should be presented a united front with you in terms of discipline/expected behaviour and letting his ds think he can do no wrong is just storing up problems for the future.

@Quartz2208

Then help him regulate his emotions and get your DH to understand just how damaging his parenting is

But you seem to ignore all the posts telling you what the issue is and just seem to want validation

That's not true at all, infact I have echoed back to DH exactly that. We have had multiple conversations where I put my foot down and say he needs to address his parenting. He agrees (probably to keep the peace) then conveniently 'forgets' and resorts back to his norm.

I'm rapidly reaching the end of my rope.