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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from DH's son

404 replies

RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 16:29

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

OP posts:
diamondsr4u · 14/01/2021 17:37

Nah you've taken this far too seriously!! All he said was this is your fault why would you say that. Hardly anything to get your knickers in a twist. You make it out like he said bike words to you, be thankful he wasn't actually rude and disrespectful towards you.
He shouted out as he was hurt at the time and obviously because it was your idea it was your fault. He's a kid leave him alone. You would let it slide with your own kid I get

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 17:38

No teacher would suggest such a dangerous game

Op is not a teacher, and the reason a teacher probably wouldn’t suggest this game is because (some) disgruntled parents would be in complaining like a shot off their precious child got hurt.

Incidentally most schools as far as I’m aware do allow football to be played, which usually involves heading the ball (and is much more dangerous that heading a balloon) so not sure your point makes any sense.

Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:38

@charlestonchaplin What utter bilge 😂

LaceyBetty · 14/01/2021 17:38

Your a step parent on MN so you will be in the wrong no matter what.

My response, for one, would have been exactly the same if this was about the OP's DS.

FTMF30 · 14/01/2021 17:38

Some of the comments on here 🙄.

It's belittling to ask someone to apologise for shouting at someone??

It's understandable why he shouted but that doesn't mean it's ok and should be addressed. It comes across like some of you are raising boys to be exactly like the DHs/DPs complain about on this forum. Childhood is a prime age to nurture emotional intelligence and prevent horrible behaviour in adulthood.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 17:39

@Fembot123

I don’t even know you *@Iminaglasscaseofemotion* 😂 I don’t know in what situation you’d be able to give me a piece of your mind hence good luck with that.
Yeah I ment if someone I knew did that, or if I was the person you were shouting at. How do people generally react to you when you're screaming at them for something that was your fault?
Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:39

@PenguinUnit

To be fair I don't think the 'you wouldn't have written this thread about your own child' comments are particularly fair. One of the hardest things about step parenting is not being able to do what you'd do with your own kids all the time. If it was OPs child, she probably would have just gone and asked for the apology.
You are spot on, Penguin.

I have long since felt unable to address things like this because it doesn't feel like my place. DH has compounded that feeling by responding the way he has when I've raised issues with him.

I'm also mindful of the fact DSS is likely to go home and tell tales to his mum about how I've been mean, or refuse to come back.

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:39

Hopefully he’ll calm down and realise he should apologise off his own back.

Mackerelpizza · 14/01/2021 17:39

to scream in an adults face

Is this 10 year old boy the same height as you then? How did he manage to get up in your face to "scream" at you?

Or do you just mean he cried out in your direction?

Either way, you're massively overreacting.

The way you are twisting such a nothingness to bolster your existing resentment is quite sad.

Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:40

That sounds stressful @RainbowCarpetSurfing, if I was his DM and he came home with that take I’d tell him not to be silly!

diamondsr4u · 14/01/2021 17:42

You really don't see yourself as family to your sdc do you? Why are you comparing step parents to teachers? How does that even make sense. Your a second mum to him, and so you will need to learn to deal with such behaviours as you would have to with your own children

My kids can behave in a manner that I know they wouldn't do infront of their teacher, but am their family, they are comfortable with me and so they are able to do so. Kids are kids. We teach them

hannahrose123 · 14/01/2021 17:42

FTMF30

I completely agree.

Original poster
RainbowCarpetSurfing · 14/01/2021 17:43

You've mentioned your h parenting them differently. Is he more strict or more lenient? Does he parent the child that you have together in the same way that he parents his older boys

He's alot more lenient with his older two than he is ours, that's why things like this go over his head.

Coincidentally when our DS (3) accidentally hurt DH this morning by jumping on his back he told DS to apologise, and he did.

Different standards.

That in itself is problematic.

OP posts:
gottakeeponmovin · 14/01/2021 17:43

Bloody hell what a fuss over nothing. That's a normal reaction of a kid who is 11 years old. What isn't normal is you not shrugging it off - and I am pretty sure you wouldn't be like that with your own child. Sorry

thecatsthecats · 14/01/2021 17:44

I stubbed my toe the other day and YELLED at DH:

"FUCKING FUCKING OW OW OW! THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT BUT YELLING IS HELPING WITH THE PAIN! ARRRRRRGH."

But since he's just 11 and dealing with the emotions of a pandemic I'll let him off being unable to articulate that...

Justmuddlingalong · 14/01/2021 17:45

I'll repost what I actually said for those who've picked up on the belittling comment.
Yes. A perfect learning opportunity. To discuss his feelings and reaction. Not to belittle them through blindly expecting an apology. He's probably confused by his reactions and could do with a chat to understand them.
What happened should be discussed and explained. Both sides should be able to say their piece. It should be instigated by the adult. In my opinion not talking about it and expecting an apology is belittling the boy's reaction. I stand by my post.

Fembot123 · 14/01/2021 17:45

@thecatsthecats

I stubbed my toe the other day and YELLED at DH:

"FUCKING FUCKING OW OW OW! THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT BUT YELLING IS HELPING WITH THE PAIN! ARRRRRRGH."

But since he's just 11 and dealing with the emotions of a pandemic I'll let him off being unable to articulate that...

Thats what I’m talking about 😂
neondragonfly · 14/01/2021 17:45

Go and give the kid a hug! He probably really needs it more than you'll ever know.

marshmallowfluffy · 14/01/2021 17:46

because I'm raising my children to know that it's not acceptable to scream in an adults face.

My kids wouldn't scream at another adult but they scream at me when angry. The kids clearly see you as the equivalent of a parent if they lose their shit with you sometimes.

LaceyBetty · 14/01/2021 17:46

@thecatsthecats

I stubbed my toe the other day and YELLED at DH:

"FUCKING FUCKING OW OW OW! THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT BUT YELLING IS HELPING WITH THE PAIN! ARRRRRRGH."

But since he's just 11 and dealing with the emotions of a pandemic I'll let him off being unable to articulate that...

Yes! I do exactly the same thing to my husband.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 17:47

I'm not surprised so many children are so rude and entitled these days. I'm saying these days and I'm only 30 ffs.

giantangryrooster · 14/01/2021 17:47

Op haven't you ever as a child hurt yourself playing with others and only wanted to escape, so they didn't see you cry or hurt yourself and felt 'wronged' and taken the healthy approach of leaving the situation?

I think you were very wrong to try to force him to stay, I would have hated you, if you had done that to me.

(and i really don't care if you are a stepmother or not, you don't seem that experienced in older than toddlers. Dc do react this way, it's normal and not against you, unless you escalate the situation).

Summersun2020 · 14/01/2021 17:48

He’s 11-old enough to apologise afterwards when he realised he’d been rude. I’m with you OP.

BaggoMcoys · 14/01/2021 17:49

My dd reacts like this when she gets hurt. It's always the fault of whoever is standing closer to her at the time... It's not great but I'm working on it (she is 6). I think you're being oversensitive because of the other issues, so I can understand why, but I'd let this one go.

neondragonfly · 14/01/2021 17:49

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

Mine are alot younger and whilst I won't kid myself that I'll ever be the perfect parent I just wouldn't tolerate that from my own DC. I don't see why I should tolerate it from DSS.
You might not tolerate it but I bet it will still happen! He's a preteen, in lockdown, probably hormonal with a bang on the head!