To want an apology from DH's son

[RainbowCarpetSurfing]

DH has two DS'

We get along well apart from one or two issues with regards to them (mainly one) being rough with my small toddler. DSC are always keen for me to join in whatever they're doing.

We have a large living room and they were batting a balloon to each other and to me. I suggested we try to 'header' the balloon to each other across the room and they enthusiastically agreed.

After a few minutes of the game going well, they both went for the balloon in the middle as it was crossing the room (which wasn't what we were supposed to be doing) and bumped heads. Not hard. They are fine.

With that, the oldest one turns to me and literally screams "that was your fault, why would you say that" and runs out of the room furious.

('say that' being my suggestion to header the balloon)

Now, in hindsight I can see that maybe it wasn't a great idea on my part so I'll own that in advance of the comments saying it's my doing, but in my defence I made a point of saying "you stay there" and the same to the other one.

DSS' screeching and disrespect has gone completely over DH's head however I feel as though he should apologise.

He's now sulking.

AIBU?

I think you should be apologising for not using your brain.

I too am shocked at the replies on this thread! Of course it's not acceptable to shout and scream at other people when you hurt yourself.

I'd also say that DSS's reaction is totally over the top in my mind and quite babyish. He is either in Year 6 and heading to secondary school this September, or already at secondary school... if he has this reaction to getting accidentally hurt he will get absolutely mullered by the other kids at school. I say that as not only a parent, but also a secondary school teacher.

OP it sounds like your dh is really doing a disservice to his son (maybe there is guilt following the breakdown of the relationship with his mother?).

I believe so.

He has said before when I was addressing his differential treatment between the kids "I just don't want this to be the place he gets told off"

@GreekOddess

I think you should be apologising for not using your brain.

Much like the parents of children who are playing with footballs etc don't use their brain? Because you clearly think kids heading a balloon is akin to putting them at imminent risk.

Get a grip.

If DH and I ever divorce, which I wouldn't entirely rule out to be honest, and he meets somebody new - I would be mortified for DH or his new partner of several years to report back that either of my DC had been screaming at her.

I was taught to speak to adults with respect as a child and any time I fell short of that I was promptly reminded that it won't be tolerated.

@RainbowCarpetSurfing

OP it sounds like your dh is really doing a disservice to his son (maybe there is guilt following the breakdown of the relationship with his mother?).

I believe so.

He has said before when I was addressing his differential treatment between the kids "I just don't want this to be the place he gets told off"

No it should be a place where he is taught how to deal with emotion and what is right from wrong.

It isnt telling off - it is boundary setting and modelling behaviour and teaching how to process emotions

The problem is his parenting is harmful to both your DSS, your children and the relationship between them.

Maybe you need to reframe it as not changing his parenting style but actually helping his son - because he wont cope in secondary school at all

I was taught to speak to adults with respect as a child and any time I fell short of that I was promptly reminded that it won't be tolerated.

this isnt about his lack of respect to you though OP it is about him not being able to handle his negative emotions and lashing out because of how he has grown up.

This is where we disagree I think just when I think you have grasped what the problem is you come back to respect and it in relation to you

How is he at school/his mums house. I vaguely remember he had issues at his mums house as well

YABU

And people that demand apologies are nearly always total prats. Sorry.

I think people's instinct is to overreact with head injuries. Maybe it's some primeval response.

Interesting point. I am generally a very calm person who doesn't make a fuss about things. But if I ever bang my head, e.g. on an open cupboard door or something, I instantly feel very, very angry. It wears off after a second or two but it is totally different to the reaction if I hurt myself in any other way.

How is he at school/his mums house. I vaguely remember he had issues at his mums house as well

Extremely sensitive, alot of tears and sulking. I couldn't tell you what she does to address it and help him.

And people that demand apologies are nearly always total prats. Sorry.

People who don't read threads properly but chime in anyway are nearly always prats too. I have made no such demand.

His reaction is nothing to do with respect. Or you.

It’s to do with him. And his emotions. Because he’s 10, and not a robot.

I was taught to speak to adults with respect as a child and any time I fell short of that I was promptly reminded that it won't be tolerated.

Not all adults are deserving of respect. I would never teach my children they should respect all adults.

Not all adults are deserving of respect. I would never teach my children they should respect all adults

I would like to think I'm deserving of his respect, I do alot for him, thankless as it may be, and always treat him with the respect he deserves as my DSS.

I remember your previous thread about your DSS dropping your toddler, and actually recognised you from the start. I think you are right about having a DH issue, but then you post this:
I was taught to speak to adults with respect as a child and any time I fell short of that I was promptly reminded that it won't be tolerated.

Surely the point is that this is not what your DSS has been taught? And I’m not saying whether that’s right or wrong, but that it’s unrealistic to expect him to behave this way when he hasn’t been taught to. If you don’t feel capable of teaching him to behave differently because of circumstances surrounding your DH and his ex-wife, then that’s understandable. But you can’t be cross at a child for reacting inappropriately when he’s never been helped to learn to react differently.

I think that, unless you and your husband can access some counselling and he can make some real changes to how he parents, the resentment and discordance between you will make your relationship untenable.

Your error here is posting about being frustrated with your DSS’s reaction to the situation and not your husband’s.

When he dropped his sister his response was to stand and shake/quiver when I shouted "no!" and rushed to scoop her up, then burst into tears because (and he said this much) he was going to get told off.

For those who didn't see that thread, DH's response was to console him and say it's ok it's done now.

I may be talking complete bollocks, but I have worked with children who go into 'panic' mode when they do something wrong. It is almost always to do with them having learnt (from the way they have been treated by a parent/parents) that wrong-doing means you will be punished in all sorts of frightening and unpleasant ways. How does your step-son's mother react when he fouls up (which all children do)? In the cases I'm thinking of, when one parent is overly harsh and unforgiving of the kinds of things that all children do, the other parent often goes overboard on the reassurance front, which is what your husband seems to be doing.

As I say, though, that's merely what I have observed in other situations where I know the families involved. It may not apply to your situation at all, OP.

I think you have to work out if you want a genuine apology because he realises he has hurt your feelings, or a meaningless one that is given out of ‘respect for adults’. It may be that our generation were taught that we should respect adults, and were expected to be polite and deferential, but I’ve got to say I didn’t respect adults in the true sense of the word - I was frightened of what would happen if I didn’t behave.

If you want a real apology - explain to him why his behaviour was upsetting to you and be prepared that the apology might not come straight away. But if and when it does it will be a million times better than a false apology given under duress. Don’t humiliate the poor boy further

@YardleyX

His reaction is nothing to do with respect. Or you.

It’s to do with him. And his emotions. Because he’s 10, and not a robot.

You make a good point.

The problem is he's not being taught how to handle his emotions and he's being shielded from any such support incase it comes across as criticising him.

I'm not able to do anything about it myself because of the above, so where do I go from here?

There will be three people getting the shit end of the stick, me and my two.

DH is also doing DSS a disservice.

You keep saying that you didn’t demand an apology, but actually that’s what the title of this thread implies!

Also, when I read the thread title, I thought the incident was going to be slightly more significant than a kid reacting after hurting his head. All he did was lash out after banging his head, (which can be quite painful).

Tell your DH exactly that - that this is about him doing his son a disservice and isnt giving him the tools to manage in life. You are willing to help and support him in this but that the current situation cannot continue because it isnt fair on anyone.

And if he doesnt then sadly ou need to protect the people you can

Points taken on board about me saying that children should show adults respect. I appreciate that's by the by in this context.

RE children going into panic mode when they've done something wrong, usually because they have been harshly punished in the past - I can categorically say DSS has never been treated poorly here or at his DM's.

DH would never lay a hand on any of the children and I would put my house on the fact his DM wouldn't either. They are just not that type of mum/dad.

If anything, he has been mollycoddled.

@Quartz2208

Tell your DH exactly that - that this is about him doing his son a disservice and isnt giving him the tools to manage in life. You are willing to help and support him in this but that the current situation cannot continue because it isnt fair on anyone.

And if he doesnt then sadly ou need to protect the people you can

I plan to say exactly this.

I've just spoken to DH who claims he didn't even register/realise that DSS was screaming at me

Selective hearing.

While i can see you have a bigger dh problem, I would have apologised to my 5yo in these circs- I’d have rubbed it and said I’m sorry your head hurts darling, I won’t suggest games like that again because you do find it hard to remember the rules don’t you? Is it any better?

Well step or no step parent you are a better one than me. If similar things happened in our house (I have 2 boys) I would have shrugged my shoulders and said 'no need to scream at me I told you not to do it' then would have just gone and done something else.

10/11 is a very emotional time. Don't make this into a bigger thing than it is, it's really not worth it.

However, it does sound like there are other issues at play here which means you probably aren't wanting to be reasonable about it.