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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To breakdown lockdown for a funeral.

138 replies

Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:26

Hi all, generally follow the rules pretty seriously here.

An elderly relative of mine has recently died. Not a direct relative as such but someone I feel I should go to the funeral if I was allowed within the 30max people. Assuming it’s still 30 and not less?!

Anyway, I am forward thinking here as the funeral hasn’t been fully arranged etc.

But say I was allowed to attend, feel I should if given the opportunity.. it’s likely my husband will be working and the children will be at home due to obvious reasons making it hard for me to attend. Husband has no leave left and it’s not a close enough relative for DH to warrant compassionate leave or anything.

Aibu to break the rules ask in laws to take care of them if it comes to it?!

They live pretty close and not elderly or vulnerable or anything.

We haven’t been seeing them due to lockdown but would it really be that bad for circumstances like this?!

I’m just preparing if I do get asked tbh! I don’t want to say yes and I came make it and I don’t want to say no if I could possibly go. It’s likely I will be asked as the relative doesn’t have much direct family left 😭

OP posts:
notdaddycool · 14/01/2021 16:30

You really don't seem that close to them that you need to go in a pandemic. 30 is the limit, not a target.

ukmail · 14/01/2021 16:30

Very difficult but to be honest my view is that people need to just stop bending the rules. Lockdown is a farce at the moment because so many people think their circumstances are special and justify that.

Xmassprout · 14/01/2021 16:32

Most people have one reason or another to break the rules. That's why here we are, in the third fucking lockdown because people think the rules don't apply to them.

Original poster
Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:36

I’ve followed the rules since last March. My mother in law lives 8 miles away and it would be for what like an hour or two max? It’s a sibling of my grandparent who doesn’t have much family left. Someone I was really close to as a child!

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 14/01/2021 16:37

No. This isn't a good enough reason to break lockdown imo

BIWI · 14/01/2021 16:37

Are the funeral home/church/cemetery not streaming the funeral? TBH that's the way I'd plan to attend.

It sucks, yes, but if we all found excuses to break lockdown then we wouldn't really be in lockdown would we?

But I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Londono · 14/01/2021 16:38

I think that is all within the rules - you can use grandparents for childcare I think. And a funeral is permitted too. I'd do it if everyone involved is comfortable.

hammeringinmyhead · 14/01/2021 16:38

You're allowed a childcare bubble within the rules. That said I wouldn't voluntarily go to a gathering at the moment.

BornIn78 · 14/01/2021 16:38

You’re not even sure you’ll be asked, which suggests you weren’t close to them, and so if you are asked it’ll be to make the numbers up.

I think if are going to go your husband should find a way to be off work for, as you’ve said yourself, an hour or two max.

SquigglePigs · 14/01/2021 16:39

I missed my own Grandma's funeral because it was in the first lockdown, a few hours drive away and very limited numbers. I know it's hard but to me it doesn't feel like a good enough reason to break the rules.

ramblingsonthego · 14/01/2021 16:39

Jesus Christ where is the compassion from posters on here. I would go in your situation. If family are happy with the risk, then crack on. Some people on here have really lost their fucking mind that people can't go to a relatives funeral cos of childcare. Have a long hard look at yourself if you would really have a problem with this.

Mylittlesandwich · 14/01/2021 16:39

I'm attending a funeral with DH on Monday for a close family member. We have to stay in a hotel as it's a good distance from home. DS will be staying overnight with my mum so we don't have to stop etc on the journey. The funeral is for less than 10 people and is outside. This is all within the current rules in Scotland.

PerkingFaintly · 14/01/2021 16:40

It's OK not to attend things that in normal times you merely "feel you ought to" attend.

People have had to miss funerals of their own children!

So honestly? This is one not to attend in person.

Send cards or other best wishes. Write a short message to be read out at the funeral, or a nice obituary for an online obituary site, or put a message in their local paper... These are all things you can do to show respect, serve their memory well and comfort those left.

At the present time, turning up in person isn't the right answer.

Handcarthell · 14/01/2021 16:40

@Xmassprout

Most people have one reason or another to break the rules. That's why here we are, in the third fucking lockdown because people think the rules don't apply to them.

Couldn't have put it better

ParkheadParadise · 14/01/2021 16:41

I would go.

Original poster
Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:41

I know so many people who’s always at their parents and grandparents even during lockdown, I’ve not seen anyone in weeks and months. I haven’t seen my parents since August and the in laws since last month. People can pipe down with not following the rules. I’ve followed the rules to a T since last March. I probably won’t go anyway but I feel awful when they were there for us when I lost a grandparent.

There’s people’s in large groups form different households walking past my house all day and I’m flamed for a grandparent taking care of their grandchildren for a very good reason imo.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 14/01/2021 16:41

You are allowed childcare and if you feel you want/need to attend funeral, then I would presume it would be allowed for grandparents to have children.

Handcarthell · 14/01/2021 16:41

@hammeringinmyhead

You're allowed a childcare bubble within the rules. That said I wouldn't voluntarily go to a gathering at the moment.

Which rule gives OP a childcare bubble?

IceIceCoffee · 14/01/2021 16:43

Sad but not surprising that people on here are having a go at you for wanting to attend a funeral.

Original poster
Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:43

I wouldn’t even gather at the funeral. I would be on the sidelines as I usually am anyway as a socially awkward mess! I’m the type to sit at the back at the best of times.

The funeral will be very local too so no travelling whatsoever.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 14/01/2021 16:43

I don’t think it’s breaking the rules because surely it’s a childcare bubble? Unless I’ve missed something and they aren’t allowed any more.

PerkingFaintly · 14/01/2021 16:44

And yes, ask if the funeral will be streamed.

Or if you watch it, maybe dedicate that time at home to thinking about your relative, and telling your children stories about them.

Original poster
Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:45

I’m not sure if I’ll be asked because of the families wishes - they may just want to keep it very small due to current times. I have no idea yet. Don’t think they do. Despite being elderly it was unexpected!

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 14/01/2021 16:45

you can use grandparents for childcare I think

No this doesn't fall within the childcare support bubble criteria
here

Nor is this within the lockdown rules within funerals
here

If her DH cannot provide childcare, this is really not something the OP should be doing

DelphiniumBlue · 14/01/2021 16:47

I think this is important for you.
You are allowed childcare, so i think it's OK for in laws to look after the DC. Or for DH to take unpaid or sick leave. Or work around looking after the DC for a few hours.