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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To breakdown lockdown for a funeral.

138 replies

Donewith2021 · 14/01/2021 16:26

Hi all, generally follow the rules pretty seriously here.

An elderly relative of mine has recently died. Not a direct relative as such but someone I feel I should go to the funeral if I was allowed within the 30max people. Assuming it’s still 30 and not less?!

Anyway, I am forward thinking here as the funeral hasn’t been fully arranged etc.

But say I was allowed to attend, feel I should if given the opportunity.. it’s likely my husband will be working and the children will be at home due to obvious reasons making it hard for me to attend. Husband has no leave left and it’s not a close enough relative for DH to warrant compassionate leave or anything.

Aibu to break the rules ask in laws to take care of them if it comes to it?!

They live pretty close and not elderly or vulnerable or anything.

We haven’t been seeing them due to lockdown but would it really be that bad for circumstances like this?!

I’m just preparing if I do get asked tbh! I don’t want to say yes and I came make it and I don’t want to say no if I could possibly go. It’s likely I will be asked as the relative doesn’t have much direct family left 😭

OP posts:

Hotcuppatea · 14/01/2021 17:32

I would go.

Pimlicojo · 14/01/2021 17:33

I wouldn't even hesitate in your situation OP, and I'm not a rule breaker. I'm shocked at the lack of compassion on here. It's like competitive misery.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 14/01/2021 17:37

I’d go too.

What rule do you think you’d be breaking?

There is no stipulation in law of when childcare is allowed so as far as I’m concerned it’s entirely legal to use a childcare bubble purely for a rest.

Funerals are going ahead because they are covid secure. It’s likely less risk than supermarket shopping.

sorry for your loss

lunalucie · 14/01/2021 17:38

I'd go. The responses here are unbelievable, it's a funeral not an illegal rave fgs. I bet most of you haven't stuck to the rules 100% from when this started back in March and it's not as if she's driving across the country. I don't know what happened to people lately but you've all turned into hysterical Covid police.

LizFlowers · 14/01/2021 17:44

@ukmail

Very difficult but to be honest my view is that people need to just stop bending the rules. Lockdown is a farce at the moment because so many people think their circumstances are special and justify that.

Very true.

Toomanyparsnips · 14/01/2021 17:44

I'd go and I wouldn't be consulting the nutters on here.

HariboBrenshnio · 14/01/2021 17:47

No rules are being broken here. You're allowed to attend a funeral. You're allowed a childcare bubble

Go the funeral. There is no criteria to childcare bubbles except the adults must not socialise.

Spaniels2020 · 14/01/2021 17:51

I really do not know why 30 people are allowed to go to a funeral. It seems a lot of people to me to get together from different households during a pandemic. And the opposite of other rules.
Apparently, many families are opting for simple cremations where they don't attend at all.The ashes are given to nearest relative and a service arranged and undertaken for later on when things are more settled. Which sounds very sensible to me. Not what you would wish but nor is the pandemic.
I would not ask your in laws to mind your children. They will find it hard to say no even if they secretly would wish to avoid doing so due to the virus. You will be putting them in an awkward position. I would not attend anything because mostly you feel under some sort of social pressure to do so either. Even if it is of your own making and nobody is expecting you to attend.

moonpig23 · 14/01/2021 17:53

Last week I attended a funeral. The cremetorium used two chapels one had a video link. All chairs were 2 metres apart we were allowed to pull them in to sit in bubbles. Everyone wore a mask. There was one entrance in one out. It was very well organised and perfectly safe.

OP I would go in your situation. It is far safer than Tesco.

iolaus · 14/01/2021 17:53

@JellyNo15

My Dad's funeral was two days ago. The crematorium only allowed twelve people and no one inside the gates. Not even all his grandchildren could attend. I would only go for immediate family.

I think it's dependent on the size of the crematorium. My father's is max of 30 people (unless we get contacted to say it needs to be reduced between now and the funeral) because it is a big place and you can distance, one family group per row can only use alternate rows

oakleaffy · 14/01/2021 17:54

@IceIceCoffee

Sad but not surprising that people on here are having a go at you for wanting to attend a funeral.

This.

We went to Grandfather's Funeral, {no Lockdown, but still limited numbers} As long as not hugging/kissing, and a short service it should be ok.

None of us caught Covid.
But this IS MN, ands people can be sniffy and self righteous.

I haven't seen my mum in over a year because of obeying the rules, but for a funeral, of a much loved person, I can see why you want to go.

There was no ''Meet up'' after the Funeral though...Just a long drive home.

More likely to catch it in a local pharmacy in my opinion...there were seven under 6's at a ''pinch point'' including a multi- buggy of mega proportions so any social distancing was impossible...shouty kids without masks touching things and getting far too close...

A Funeral will surely be better than this as regards possible transmission?

Calmandmeasured1 · 14/01/2021 17:55

@GypsyLee

Funerals are really restricted and are taking up to 6 weeks to bury your dead atm.
It depends on the location. A friend of our family died recently and, because of the particular crematorium they'd chosen in the next county, it took just over a week. Had they wanted the nearest one in our county, they were told it would be 4 weeks because of Christmas.

No singing hymns, straight in and out, no wake, no socialising after, just get in your cars and go.
You can still have music played. As you pay for it, you can have a full funeral with entrance, committal and exit music, eulogy, poems, people talking of their memories. You just can't have singing. The 'straight in, straight out' funerals are for those whose organiser chooses to pay for that rather than a full service.

I was at my local crematorium today, and the attendees of a funeral came out of the building and were looking at the deceased person's flowers and standing around chatting for about 15 minutes. They were all outside and wearing masks. The Funeral Director did not hurry them along at all.

You can also have a wake but numbers are limited to six people during the lockdown.

notalwaysalondoner · 14/01/2021 17:56

As others have said:

Childcare bubbles are within the rules
But there are risks
Use the bubble if you think the benefits of attending are worth the risks

Don't let a load of MNetters make you feel guilty for wanting to go to a family member's funeral. It's your decision. It's not breaking the rules.

Chocolateraincloud3 · 14/01/2021 17:59

Don’t understand why you asked in the first place if you keep defending yourself. You’re attacking people because you wanted people to say yes you should go.
I don’t care if you go or not it’s your decision.

3rdNamechange · 14/01/2021 18:00

@Justforphoto

Exactly what rule would be broken? The op requires childcare for a child under 14 so why can she not have a childcare bubble? Attending funerals within the permitted numbers is allowed

That's what I read.

wingardium8 · 14/01/2021 18:03

So bored of people justifying breaking the rules because other people break them more.
It was a shit argument when it was Dominic Cummings and it’s a shit argument when it’s about how often grandparents help with childcare.
I have sympathy for anyone that loses a family member, of course I do. But these are not normal times and we can’t do everything we want to any more, however worthy the cause.
My friend’s elderly relative died of covid after attending a funeral (of course it’s not certain where she caught it, but didn’t really go out otherwise). Covid isn’t magically left at the door just because it’s a funeral.
And every interaction has only a tiny risk attached. But those tiny risks all statistically add up to this shit going on longer than it needs to.

Shadeslayer · 14/01/2021 18:10

Could you have inlaws take children to the park for the hour or so? Sorry I'm not in England so im not sure on the rules for meeting outdoors?

user1487194234 · 14/01/2021 18:10

I would definitely go

SirGawain · 14/01/2021 18:20

If you are invited to a funeral and the 30 mourners limit is respected you are permitted to attend a funeral. You are not breaking lockdown.

RedMarauder · 14/01/2021 18:25

OP who is the person/people who normally look after your children during lockdown?

If no-one then your ILs can be them and from then on they will be your childcare support bubble. They will then be allowed to look after your children, so be able to see their grandchildren, but you and your DH won't be able to do anymore than talk to them from a distance.

mrsmangal · 14/01/2021 18:26

Regular church services are going on at the moment. They have been deemed sufficiently safe (with extra precautions like masking, SD and cleaning) to be permitted (in England at least).

Funerals are permitted and childcare is permitted.

I would go, OP, wear your mask, keep your distance and mourn your relative.

Peakypolly · 14/01/2021 18:30

I would go (and am attending a funeral next week) and agree I see it as safer than a supermarket visit.

SoupDragon · 14/01/2021 18:34

So bored of people justifying breaking the rules because other people break them more.

It is equally boring when people don't understand the rules.

Topseyt · 14/01/2021 18:37

[quote Calmandmeasured1]**@Hazelnutlatteplease

No this doesn't fall within the childcare support bubble criteria
Can you explain why? I have looked at the rules and cannot see anything suggesting the OP cannot use her ILS as a childcare bubble.

Nor is this within the lockdown rules within funerals
If you are invited to a funeral, you are allowed to attend as long as there are not more than 30 attendees. Attendees sit together if they are from the same household, 2m apart from members of other households. They wear masks. I don't know why you think the OP cannot attend a funeral.

If her DH cannot provide childcare, this is really not something the OP should be doing
Oh, this is just your opinion, not a law or guidance. Just because the OP has a husband, doesn't mean he is able to provide childcare. He is working outside of the home and cannot take leave.

OP, as long as you are invited, there is no reason why you cannot attend your Great Uncle's funeral. If I was in your position and invited, I would go.[/quote]
This is correct. I have read the rules regarding childcare bubbles too, and I see nothing in them that suggests OP cannot have a childcare bubble with her in-laws.

I have also just returned from the funeral of someone I was not related to, but worked with for many years and knew extremely well. The rules were that there could be no more than 30 people present, not including the funeral director and crematorium staff. So up to 30 mourners. I had checked in advance whether there would be space for me as I did not wish to take up a place needed by a close family member. There was plenty of space. The family were happy for me and for several other friends to attend, so we did. In total there were 20 of us, all masked and sitting well distanced in the chapel.

Go if you wish to OP. If you have checked that there will be space for you and your in-laws are willing to be your childcare bubble and have the children. I do not see as you are breaking any rules, either guidance or legislation.

SunshineCake · 14/01/2021 18:42

The virus won't miss you because you've shielded etc etc

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