To breakdown lockdown for a funeral.

[Donewith2021]

Hi all, generally follow the rules pretty seriously here.

An elderly relative of mine has recently died. Not a direct relative as such but someone I feel I should go to the funeral if I was allowed within the 30max people. Assuming it’s still 30 and not less?!

Anyway, I am forward thinking here as the funeral hasn’t been fully arranged etc.

But say I was allowed to attend, feel I should if given the opportunity.. it’s likely my husband will be working and the children will be at home due to obvious reasons making it hard for me to attend. Husband has no leave left and it’s not a close enough relative for DH to warrant compassionate leave or anything.

Aibu to break the rules ask in laws to take care of them if it comes to it?!

They live pretty close and not elderly or vulnerable or anything.

We haven’t been seeing them due to lockdown but would it really be that bad for circumstances like this?!

I’m just preparing if I do get asked tbh! I don’t want to say yes and I came make it and I don’t want to say no if I could possibly go. It’s likely I will be asked as the relative doesn’t have much direct family left 😭

@wingardium8

So bored of people justifying breaking the rules because other people break them more. It was a shit argument when it was Dominic Cummings and it’s a shit argument when it’s about how often grandparents help with childcare. I have sympathy for anyone that loses a family member, of course I do. But these are not normal times and we can’t do everything we want to any more, however worthy the cause. My friend’s elderly relative died of covid after attending a funeral (of course it’s not certain where she caught it, but didn’t really go out otherwise). Covid isn’t magically left at the door just because it’s a funeral. And every interaction has only a tiny risk attached. But those tiny risks all statistically add up to this shit going on longer than it needs to.

She would not be breaking any rules if her in-laws agreed to be her childcare bubble and those attending the funeral numbered less than 30, including her.

It is boring when people make up rules that don't exist.

It’s not about the funeral, the husband, the lockdown, the morality or legality of it.
Your child should not be going to your parents, it puts them at risk. Stay away, please.

I assumed, when the op said she would be breaking the rules (Aibu to break the rules) that she knew that she would be breaking them!(Possibly has a different childcare bubble who maybe are going to the funeral or something)

No your not unreasonable at all.

I would go. Where is the compassion on here. It’s not a party fgs

The point is it is irrelevant to covid what the occasion is. It can and will still spread.

If you do X, because the guidelines say you can, then someone gets ill and or dies will it be worth it? Can you live with it ?

Sort out your support bubbles, or get your husband to take unpaid leave for a couple of hours if you get asked & were close to them when you were younger. Follow the rules & have a test to make sure you're safe. Just because you don't get asked it doesn't mean you were not close. The limit is 30, that can soon be swallowed up by spouses, siblings, children & adult grandchildren. You will be spaced apart the whole time, & congregating afterwards is not allowed. You won't be allowed to have a wake afterwards either. Have some compassion folks for when people lose their loved ones. If the funeral companies are professional & everybody in the family sticks to the rules I would go to pay my last respects. You don't have to get close to anyone, I'd feel safer at a socially distanced funeral than I would in a trip to Sainsburys to buy essentials.
My own dad has recently passed away from covid & we're in the process of arranging his funeral. The funeral directors are being so professional & caring to make sure that he is taken care of & all of us that are attending are distanced & kept safe. We have worked out the travel arrangements for everyone so there is no risk there. Those who do not feel comfortable in attending are staying at home. We are a very close knit family & we have had to leave some people out, which is very sad for them, but needs must when the limit is 30.
I'm not in my mum's support bubble as my sibling is looking after her, but wild horses will not keep me away from my own dad's funeral. Am I going to be slated for breaking the rules for my own dad's funeral? What's the point in having a limit of 30 if people don't go because of the rules, even though all safety precautions are being taken? You may as well have a direct cremation with no service. If you were close once & he does not have much family attending, go if asked, get your husband to babysit for a couple of hours & keep your distance before & after the service. For people slating me over this, have a heart & try to find a bit of compassion 😢😢😢

30 are allowed at a funeral. So those 30 surely aren't breaking rules then by attending? And childcare is allowed too if you form a childcare bubble. So from what I can see from the government's own website you wouldn't be breaking rules by attending the funeral of a relative obviously very dear to you and using childcare to do it.

I don't think you should go. My husband and I absolutely adore each other, but we have agreed that if either of us died during this pandemic, we wouldn't have a funeral, just a direct cremation. Funerals are for those left behind. Putting those we love at further risk and prolonging the pandemic isn't part of the plan.

OP asked should she break the rules?!

She knows her circumstances re bubbles etc so I assume she's decided if she does they'll be broken.

My mother died in April. She was from a family of 15 but only 10 allowed at the funeral. It was excruciatingly difficult but it did help seeing people outside on the street who turned up to say goodbye. I know there are rules in place but if you can go safely and social distance I would go. So many people with opinions who have no idea what it's like to lose someone during these times.

We have lost a member of our family and only the immediate family are attending. The individual who died would in no way want any of us at further risk.

It wasn't even a consideration for the rest of our family, the risk is too big. We are planning a party for when we can actually celebrate their lives properly, we don't need to be in the church to pay our respects or show we loved him.

You shouldn’t be leaving home for non essential reasons, and attending a funeral is not an essential reason, particularly when by your own admittance you weren’t even close to the person. As someone else has stated, 30 is “not a target” and in fact not all venues will be able to allow 30 people to attend. As you’re already talking about “bending the rules” you clearly haven’t read them. There’s no such thing as bending the rules, only breaking them. Remember this is now legislation, not just guidance. So many people just do not seem to understand the reason for this legislation!
Thirty attendees is the absolute maximum in venues which can even accommodate this number safely after a risk assessment has decided how many can be allowed inside (or indeed outside). In a small venue this number is greatly reduced. The legislation itself does state that number ma should be kept as low as possible. To anyone actually concerned about the virus, this means you don’t go unless you are immediate abs close family. Even then most families are having discussion and deciding among themselves who “should” go abs who is going to stay away, because as you should know, the fewer people from different households who are together, the better - and safer - for everyone.
In addition, you’re talking about getting older people to look after your children, this again is breaking the rules. You say you have t been seeing them because of the lockdown yet you now ask if you’re being unreasonable to send your kids to them just so you can go to a funeral of someone you were not even close to.
It doesn’t matter that they’re not elderly or vulnerable. Everyone is at risk of contracting this virus and in case you haven’t been reading any news, you might have the virus unknowingly and infected others, with or without an existing condition and they may end up seriously ill, even if they recover they may have long lasting health issues due to the fact this virus affects every organ in the body.
You say your husband is working and has no leave left so I’m assuming this means he doesn’t work from home, so all the more reason for you to stay at home because your husband presumably is coming into contact t with multiple people from different households every day, this increases the risk that your household poses to others. Yet you want to take this risk and pass it on to others, from many different households, and they presumably will then go home and pass it on to others. What don’t you understand about “stay at home”?
So yeah, the answer is Yes you are being very unreasonable.
And in my experience most questions beginning with AIBU where the answer is obviously “yes” are asked by people who know very well what the answer is so I don’t know why they bother asking.
Stay at home, look after your children. The funeral will be streamed.

I think you have had a hard time on here OP. The virus isnt getting revenge on a-morole rule breakers. It's just doing what a virus has evolved perfectly to do without a brain, so it cares not for morals.

If it was illegal to go to a funeral they wouldnt be going ahead. I haven't looked at every rule as they change so much I just dont see anyone any more as that's the simplest answer personally for me.

If grandparents want to do it, if that is within the guidelines then it's up to you all about your personal risks.

Asking on here is like seeking out a virtual public stoning. My mum fell just before Christmas. I am going to die one day. My mum will die one day. It was my judgement call about if I want to risk early death or leave my elderly frail mum to die on the floor at home alone. I dont need anyone to check my choice. But if I did on here I can guarantee someone on MN would have said to leave her to die for the greater good because it was they would or have done.

But if I did on here I can guarantee someone on MN would have said to leave her to die for the greater good because it was they would or have done.
Bollocks.

Go to the funeral.

Ignore the posters who are claiming people going to funerals are the reason we’re in the third lockdown - it’s not at all, it’s the fact the government have royally cocked it up for nigh on a year now, with nothing really put in place to mitigate things as much as possible or expand nhs capacity.

So go to the funeral, as it’s your last chance to say goodbye to your great uncle.

So many people with opinions who have no idea what it's like to lose someone during these times

The OP asked for people's opinions! I assumed because she said she'd be breaking the rules...that she, you know....would be breaking the rules - so I said my opinion, if it were me I wouldn't go and sorry for your loss.
My mum died in June, and she to circumstances I was the only person at her funeral (apart from the funeral director), I honestly do understand the difficulty of losing someone in this fucking awful time.

It's not against the rules to go to a funeral.

It's not against the rules to arrange childcare, particularly in extenuating circumstances which a funeral is. If you don't need childcare "normally" because they've been at home with you since the end of term 4 weeks ago, they're hardly toxic disease vectors and have about as much chance of passing syphilis on to their grandparent as Covid.

OP if it's important for you to go, go. Stuff the stupid self-appointed Covid-police who make up their own rules and don't care about the additional misery that they inflict on others in their quest for self-righteousness.

About a third of infections are spread within care homes and the NHS. Add in workplaces that can't work from home. A funeral is not zero risk, but it is low risk and hardly a major driver of infection FFS.

@Donewith2021

I'd go. But only if I truly wanted too and not out of obligation.

I don't get the funeral rules anyway? It was 10 people in the first lockdown and this time it's 30?

My mum's funeral was in October and even then it was only 15 people (and maximum of 2 cars allowed, I realise this isn't set by government but see someone said the rules are now a car per household? We'd have needed 6 cars!!!)

Its a shit time but I do (personally) think some reasons are much more valid than others to break the rules!!! The funeral of a great uncle wouldn't be a reason I'd rule break but it is a lot more understandable than (say) the woman who is having weekly covid tests to see her new boyfriend!!

It’s not up to strangers on here to decide - but quite honestly, I don’t think it’s your decision either. Whether you attend or not should be your in laws decision, dependant upon whether they are happy to look after the kids. But if they are happy, please do go. Funerals wouldnt be going ahead at all if they weren’t an important part of our society.

Either way, I know your relative will know that you are thinking of them x

The OP has said she wasn't close to the person who died, she's also said she'd be breaking the rules by going, therefore that's two reasons why she shouldn't be going. It's not essential that she goes.

The funeral will be streamed and if it's not it will be recorded so she can watch it later. It's not pleasant to have to watch a recording of a funeral after it has happened but sometimes it is the only choice that you have.

Sorry to hear that @HazeyJaneII

@BogRollBOGOF
Yes, my dad was in hospital for something else, tested negative when he went in after shielding for since March, not mixing or going out. They were superstrict. 10 days later he tested positive after two other chaps on his ward had covid. Another 10 days later he was gone. He was not at death's door when he went in, & definitely caught it on hospital, a place where you go to hopefully get better 😡
Sorry to hijack your thread op xx

Why did you post this if you were just going to argue and whine about every response?

its not breaking anything to go to the funerral. Childcare if you have no current childcare bubble then setting one up with in laws is within the rules.