AIBU Not going to my sister's wedding

[Rose924]

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, due July 21st. My sister got engaged at Christmas, and has announced they plan to get married on 7th August. She knew I was pregnant and due late July before picking this date.

I messaged her to say congratulations, but given the timing, and that I was meant to be bridesmaid, I wanted to curb any expectations that I'd be up for usual bridesmaid duties - with a brand new newborn I'm not going to be available for 7am hair and make up and dancing at midnight.

She replied to say that it was 'annoying timing' that everything was happening around the same time, although she literally just picked this date and even making it a month later would make it so much easier for me to attend, that I didn't need to be bridesmaid, and that they'd planned a child-free wedding anyway so would appreciate if I could leave the baby with in-laws. Depending on when I go into labour I could have a days old baby that I plan to breastfeed, am I being unreasonable being outraged that she'd ask that?

I haven't replied as I was so angry and upset, but phoned my mum. She said she wasn't even sure the wedding would go ahead due to covid restrictions, and was reluctant to say anything to her as she didn't want to get involved. Last night on the phone she said 'well you had a child-free wedding too' - a little different as we had no nieces/nephews/children we were close to at the time so it was just distant cousin's kids, and all were 2.5+.

It's really stressing me out and I feel this may damage my relationship with my sister long term, what would you do?

Sorry to be clear on my last post, I went to a wedding when my child was six months old and it was still impossible!

I felt obliged to go to a wedding when my baby was 6 months old (couldn't exactly use having a new born as an excuse). But because I was breast feeding, I had to go home twice during the day, after the ceremony and before the wedding breakfast (they had a couple of hours gap between) and it wasn't fun, I couldn't enjoy myself or socialise.

I ended up leaving before the evening party as the next feed was due. Luckily I was only about 6 miles away from home where my mother in law was looking after my baby.

It was pointless and I only went as I knew it would upset the bride if I wasn't there. It can be very awkward and others just don't seem to understand. Especially if they don't have children themselves.

@peak2021

Politely decline, wish her well, ask what she would like for a wedding present.

As above but moving forward be quietly aware that your sister is giving a very clear indication of how she feels about your relationship. I love child free weddings, I had one too BUT if my sister was in your situation this would not be happening. Xx

How old is your sister? - any chance she's quite young and just completely clueless as to what giving birth / having a newborn entails? Surprised at your mum though saying 'well you had a child free wedding' and not wanting to get involved....
Of course it's the bride and groom's prerogative to have their wedding whenever they want but come on, most couples generally check with close family about the dates they have in mind, assuming you're all close and get on in the normal way etc. And child-free wedding generally makes an exception for 'babes in arms' - of course you can't leave a newborn for the day at that age.
YADNBU

I think all the calling names is a bit unnecessary tbh.

Maybe the wedding is close by & she thinks Op can go to the ceremony, nip & feed, go the reception, nip & feed, who knows?

Maybe she forgot Op's due date or genuinely did think that a couple of weeks later would be fine?

I had an easy births & could easily have gone to a wedding with a 2week old.

Of course neither of those consider going overdue.

That's with hindsight though-at the time I would have been declining.

Or of course she might have no idea.

How much of an idea did any of us have before we had our own?

I think that I was 25 when my sister had he rfirst & honest to goodness I was so clueless it's laughable.

Just to add- I bloody love a child free wedding (and I've 2 young DC)

in these circumstances surely as sister of the bride you would be exempt from attending child-free seeing as you will likely have a newborn by early August!

Ahh good old fashioned sibling rivalry.

Of course your sister is being silly. Why would you leave a newborn with in laws? Sometimes people have no idea what it's like having a new born. I would keep quiet. Wait until near the time to worry as it's too soon to know how this will pan out.

I have a friend who fell out hugely with another friend for refusing to allow her to bring her 6mo baby to the wedding. Baby was still breastfed, but at 6mo could have been left with parents, who lived just up the road from the ceremony - but the guest was outraged and wrote an impassioned letter with dark hints for the future ("You'll see when you have your own" stylee)

Friend didn't back down on this one; but another guest, family, ended up bringing a 6 WEEK old baby to the ceremony - and she allowed that because it's a bit fucking different to a 6mo and she, like most people, recognised that.

I had a mostly child-free wedding too but had 2 young breastfeeding babies there, because that IS different to mobile runaround kids. Plus I knew the parents would take their babies out if they made too much noise.

People who try to ban very new infants, especially breastfed ones, from Their Big Day just don't know what they're doing. And if they do, then they're very unkind.

I would say nothing currently, if she starts to ask you about attending say that you will have a newborn breastfeeding so attending is on the basis that you will be bringing your baby but you partner/husband will take the baby outside during the ceremony if he/she starts to cry, if this isn't acceptable then you won't be able to come

This is the type of situation where you should speak to each other rather than sending messages.

I’d call her and try to find a way to work it out amicably. If it’s local you could at least plan to watch the ceremony. Your partner could wait out side with the baby.

If you can’t work it out amicably make sure you give birth on her wedding day and steal her thunder 😅

I took my dd to an asian wedding when she was 3 months old and I was breastfeeding. It was utter hell. The music was too loud and poor dd screamed her head off, i spent most if the time trying to settle her in the hallway. I wished I had just stayed at home.

I can't understand your sister tbh if she was going to pick a random date why so close to your due date and then expect a child free wedding? It is just so thoughtless. Whst if you have a section and are not up to walking or sitting for long periods? My sister got married when ds was 8 months old, she told me to bring his pram to the reception but because it was bulky I didn't (the venue wasn't huge and I thought it would impact photos). She bought him a stroller to make things easier. She had loads of pics with ds (he was a sicky baby and I was so worried for her outfit but she didn't care). She danced the night away with my dd (her only niece).

I would be truthful with her and say that you won't be able to make the date of the wedding rather than leaving her in limbo. If with a week old baby you thing you could mange the service but not reception tell her that. She will no doubt be upset but I think she will be less so if you are upfront and honest about what you can manage. I would be a bit annoyed at your mum tbh, mine would have said to my sister that she needed to discuss dates with me had I been pregnant.

How much of an idea did any of us have before we had our own

Of course she might not have idea but the OP has tried to explain it to her sis and she got pissy as hell about it.

Innocently not knowing something is completely different from having it explained to you politely and STILL either stubbornly not believing it or sticking to your unrealistic idea when its really upsetting your pregnant sister!

@MacDuffsMuff

That did make me grin a bit though. It's always a bit different when it's you, isn't it? Yes, yes, distant cousins, all over 2.5, yours is a newborn... but you wanted and had a childfree wedding, your sister wants a childfree wedding, I can't get on board with the 'ops sister is terrible' ranting in this thread.

@unmarkedbythat I don't think the OP's sister is terrible. A bit clueless perhaps, but do you honestly not see a difference in the OPs situation in not wanting toddlers at her wedding - fine (which her sister doesn't want either - also fine) and the OP's sister actually arranging her wedding two weeks after her own sister is due to give birth? I'm not sure how anyone can't see a massive difference in these situations.

I'm not sure how you think my post says there is no difference in these situations. Of course there is a difference. Just not enough of a one to cast OP's sister in a terrible light.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

How much of an idea did any of us have before we had our own

Of course she might not have idea but the OP has tried to explain it to her sis and she got pissy as hell about it.

Innocently not knowing something is completely different from having it explained to you politely and STILL either stubbornly not believing it or sticking to your unrealistic idea when its really upsetting your pregnant sister!

No, you’ve not fully understood the timeline @AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter.

The sister announced her wedding date and OP explained that she would not be up for bridesmaid duties or dancing till 7am.

Sister replied to say “that’s annoying oh and by the way, leave baby with inlaws, it’s a child-free wedding.”

OP has not yet replied explaining that a newborn can’t be left with other people in this way.

It is disgraceful of her. Talk about selfish. Sorry OP, I don't have any advice but I'm really sorry that she would do this. Not just booking her wedding then, but asking you to leave your new baby, that is really really awful. You couldn't put a pin between me and my children when they were newborns. I could never be away from them that soon. I can't actually believe she would even suggest such a thing, even if the baby was months older. That's without the fact that you will be sore downthere, even with the easiest birth.

You absolutely can't go. You need to accept that.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Sister replied to say “that’s annoying oh and by the way, leave baby with inlaws, it’s a child-free wedding

I'm sorry but you'd have to be a complete moron to think someone would be up for a wedding right after giving birth, even IF you had no idea what birth was like. You can justify it all you want but SHE booked the date KNOWING her sister was due- the fault is entirely hers. I wonder if she's a bit jealous and is trying to overshadow her tbh.

I’d find a nice article on the 4th trimester and explain to my sister that I won’t be leaving my infant for any length of time whatsoever for the first 12 weeks.

If she persists with the date, I would do my best to get there, even if my outfit was “dressy” knit pants and a nursing top and sit in the back row with the baby for the ceremony.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Sister replied to say “that’s annoying oh and by the way, leave baby with inlaws, it’s a child-free wedding

I'm sorry but you'd have to be a complete moron to think someone would be up for a wedding right after giving birth, even IF you had no idea what birth was like. You can justify it all you want but SHE booked the date KNOWING her sister was due- the fault is entirely hers. I wonder if she's a bit jealous and is trying to overshadow her tbh.

But things have moved on- she is not expecting her sister to be up for a wedding night, she has accepted that but is now asking her to leave the baby at home for ceremony and meal , that’s the issue.

Thanks everyone for your guidance. This is my first baby, and the first baby in the family for a while, but my sister is only 18 months younger than me at 27 so not hugely naive.

We've spoken this morning and she says the date is immovable as that is when her fiancé has annual leave booked. I just said that's fine but that I didn't know what my situation would be on August 7th, and regardless I wouldn't be leaving a newborn baby, so my husband and I won't be able to attend. Wished them a happy day and left it at that.

I don't think that will be the end of it as we are a very small close family, but I've said my piece and she's said hers, and that's all there is to say I guess

My sister did the exact same thing. Organised her wedding the week I was due and after she knew I was pregnant. I’m quite certain she did it on purpose ( complex back story) and typical of my sister.
It wasn’t a child free wedding but she was very bridzilla about outfits and had explicitly told my other sister not to dress her children in a particular item of clothing that was popular at the time, she also vetoed pastel outfits.
My other sister took great delight in picking out the most colourful, outfits for her children, deliberately ignoring instructions and wore a beautiful pastel outfit.
I, on the other hand, had DS 4 weeks early and at my other sisters insistence reinvited myself to the wedding at the last minute. It was a fairly informal reception so no sit down meal. She lives over 3 hrs from us but we managed to do it in a day.
My other sisters reasoning was that wedding sister would never be able to hold it against me. She does have plenty of other things she holds against me though. I have justified her behaviour over the years and always minimised it, but now I accept that she just doesn’t like me.
Life’s too short OP to sit and worry about it.
If her wedding goes ahead and you are not there the only question she will be asked is ‘where’s Rose’ and people commenting that it’s shame your not there because they would love to see new baby. Sibling rivalry is real and very often backfires when the perpetrator doesn’t think it through.

@Angrymum22

My sister did the exact same thing. Organised her wedding the week I was due and after she knew I was pregnant. I’m quite certain she did it on purpose ( complex back story) and typical of my sister. It wasn’t a child free wedding but she was very bridzilla about outfits and had explicitly told my other sister not to dress her children in a particular item of clothing that was popular at the time, she also vetoed pastel outfits. My other sister took great delight in picking out the most colourful, outfits for her children, deliberately ignoring instructions and wore a beautiful pastel outfit. I, on the other hand, had DS 4 weeks early and at my other sisters insistence reinvited myself to the wedding at the last minute. It was a fairly informal reception so no sit down meal. She lives over 3 hrs from us but we managed to do it in a day. My other sisters reasoning was that wedding sister would never be able to hold it against me. She does have plenty of other things she holds against me though. I have justified her behaviour over the years and always minimised it, but now I accept that she just doesn’t like me. Life’s too short OP to sit and worry about it. If her wedding goes ahead and you are not there the only question she will be asked is ‘where’s Rose’ and people commenting that it’s shame your not there because they would love to see new baby. Sibling rivalry is real and very often backfires when the perpetrator doesn’t think it through.

That's horrible. Glad you and your other sister got to maintain your dignity and glad she has nothing to hold against you.

Our situation is very complex also. We've never been natural friends, but I've always been very protective over her. She was horrendously bullied at school, something which I tried my best to shield her from but had no control over. Ever since childhood, any success or joy in my life has been shrouded in guilt and not celebrated by my parents for fear of upsetting my sister - doing well at school, having close friends, graduating, having a happy relationship, being successful in my career, getting married.

She was utterly miserable to be around at my hen do and wedding, where she was bridesmaid, but I just had to let that go over my head as my mum said it was just because she was jealous.

I am genuinely overjoyed that she's found happiness and really wanted to share in her happy day, but the underlying jealously and rivalry in our relationship has clouded that now. I'm finding the most upsetting thing is my parents complete reluctance to stick up for me to her, as she has an awful temper, when you can bet there would be words if I'd done the same to her

Families, who'd have one!

She was utterly miserable to be around at my hen do and wedding, where she was bridesmaid, but I just had to let that go over my head as my mum said it was just because she was jealous

I agree with another poster who said she is jealous. I suspect this was planned quite deliberately to "steal your thunder" over the new arrival.

Very sad because comparison really is the thief of joy.

Ugh based on your update, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare tbh. Don't even react. Leave her to it. Your mum isn't helping her at all, but family dynamics can become very entrenched and difficult to change.

I thought l sensed a back story! I found it hard to believe she HAD to get married on that date. Always awkward when there are family members people think you need to pussy foot around. I have a family member like this, at my wedding she had a face like a smacked arse, barely spoke to anyone and didn’t even congratulate me. Her behaviour when my Dad died was something else. It will be interesting to see how she reacts if my IVF works. I usually get reprimanded when l challenge their poor behaviour and bad manners . But yeah big occasions usually bring out the worst in people. As you said; families, who would have them?! Good luck with it all and don’t feed into her drama or bad behaviour. Which by the sounds of then you haven’t

Well I think you have handled this perfectly

You’ve told her you’re not up to being bridesmaid, you’ve told her that you’re not leaving your baby, and therefore aren’t coming.

If anyone puts you under any pressure as to why, tell them the truth

“Not going because I’ll have just had a baby, I’m not leaving him because dsis wants a child free wedding and therefore best I stay home”