He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

My hubby had a problem with my hair when we were dating - because it got in his face all the time.
I think you need to get to the bottom of why he keeps bringing it up. It does race a red flag that he is trying to control your appearance.

It's not a compliment at all. He's seeing if you will do as he says. He's seeing how easy you are to control.

Not relevant but your hair is beautiful.
Wear it how you want.

It's absolutely beautiful and looks in great condition OP. If someone started hinting at me to cut off mine (same length) they'd be told where to go straight off the bat.

Tell him youre perfectly capable of managing your own hair and you want to know what he wants you'll ask for his opinion.

Seriously? Because he's said he likes to see her face when it's up? I didn't see anywhere where he hinted or asked her to cut it? Just that he thinks she looks pretty with it up.

I have always had long-ish hair and I had a boyfriend many years ago who had a bit of a fetish for young women with short pixie cuts. Something about exposed necks. Remember when Emma Watson got a really short haircut? Like that. He kept pressuring me to wear my hair up or cut it. The relationship didn’t last long. Any man who puts pressure on you or makes you feel uncomfortable about your appearance is an arsehole and not worth your time.

@nokidshere

It's absolutely beautiful and looks in great condition OP. If someone started hinting at me to cut off mine (same length) they'd be told where to go straight off the bat.

Tell him youre perfectly capable of managing your own hair and you want to know what he wants you'll ask for his opinion.

Seriously? Because he's said he likes to see her face when it's up? I didn't see anywhere where he hinted or asked her to cut it? Just that he thinks she looks pretty with it up.

From the OP

He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Then I said it would normally be cut more and he joked he would do it.

He's suggesting he wants it shorter. Joking that he's going to cut it off.

Your hair looks gorgeous... not to be pessimistic, my ex started off by putting me down in small ways, then more negative comments about more things, then actually pushing me down physically and putting his hands around my throat and so on. I'm not saying that these untrue snarky remarks will lead to domestic abuse in your case, but I'm just saying that was my experience. I wish I knew earlier on that I deserved better. You deserve some one who loves your good hair days, your not-so-great hair days and all the days in between. Xx

Hmm...if there's nothing else concerning you, I'm inclined to take it at face value and think that he really is just saying he likes your hair up. Which obviously doesn't mean you have to do it - wear it however you like - but unless there's something else going on, I'm not inclined to think he's trying to stop you getting attention or anything. I've had boyfriends who preferred my hair up. Sometimes people do look nicer that way, with it all back from their face and looking all tumbly behind them.

Of course, if you continue to wear it down and he causes trouble over it, that's a problem.

I’m not convinced this is anything sinister either. I think it could well be a genuine compliment...perhaps you have a nice neck and/or profile that is accentuated when your hair is lifted away?

People seem to think this is a thread about hairstyles. It isn't. It's about a man who repeatedly tells a woman that she should change a part of herself that she loves to please him to the point she is doubtful and lacking in confidence and objectivity.

This is not about the hair and Bluntness nailed it straight out of the box.

Many of us have been around enough controlling men enough to know the warning signs. They don't just lock you up in a cellar on your first date. It's a frog in a pan of water.

I have hair envy.

@Melonslice444

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair alot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty.

So what does that mean in man's land?

In DP Land, it means 'when your hair is up, I can see your face and neck and I think you look really pretty'.

I think he'd possibly curl up with embarrassment and die if he thought it could be interpreted as 'I hate you and want you to look ugly for other men'.

If they say anything along the lines of "You should do/wear X", say "I don't like X, bad luck". If they persist, "I said I don't like it; if you want it, find someone who does". And mean it. If that isn't the end of the discussion, dump.

Tell him to stuff off OP. This is the beginning of a long road of abuse. I had exactly the same about my long hair. "It would suit you much shorter" and that then led to "if you lost weight, you would actually be quite pretty". Cunt!

@FKATondelayo

People seem to think this is a thread about hairstyles. It isn't. It's about a man who repeatedly tells a woman that she should change a part of herself that she loves to please him to the point she is doubtful and lacking in confidence and objectivity.

This is not about the hair and Bluntness nailed it straight out of the box.

Many of us have been around enough controlling men enough to know the warning signs. They don't just lock you up in a cellar on your first date. It's a frog in a pan of water.

I do agree with you...but I don’t think there’s enough here to plunge straight into a LTB.

I prefer my husband to have a full beard and I tell him so. He doesn’t have to have one...but it’s my preference and when he has one, I tell him it looks fit.
I’m not abusing him?

Him saying he likes it up is not the issue. The fact he's like a dog with a bone and won't drop it is.
My husband loves it when I wear my hair down. I rarely do. He never mentions it. My hair my choice, and while I'm aware of his preference he isn't needling me to provide it. That's balance.
Could this be love bombing followed by attempts to control op?

Probably not that sinister? I like my hair longer, my husband prefers it shorter. I like his longer, he prefers it short...

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, before deciding he’s Controlling.

He sounds controlling to me. What else is he going to control over you ?

As above - I have a preference for my boyfriend with a beard. I tell him he looks lovely - but his choice if he keeps or not. It is not the road to abuse

One way or the other he's trying to change you.
He's trying to control you and in a fairly forceful way.
He's love bombing you about your looks but at the same time saying 'but change this bit of you'.
He wants you to look a certain way that suits him, for his reasons and his purposes.
It's weird is what it is. He's over concerned and over invested in your hair.

Well it probably means pretty much what he says. But that's not really important, in a way.

You've made the point that you've noticed the mentions and your reply is not going to be 'Ok! I'll wear my hair the way you prefer!'

I'd just reply 'Oh right. Yes, I'm the opposite, I prefer it down.'

Hopefully that will be that.

If he starts up with it again, look seriously at his other behaviours and have a think.

Thanks for all the replies.

I appreciate the views and suggestions. I will definitely stick up for myself.
The thing is when he met me my hair was down. When we got involved it was down. So It can't be something he can't stand. But what's bugging me is today when he said why do you wear your hair that long. He then went on to say in pictures he's seen with it up shorter I look so pretty. (Sorry I'm repeating myself)

I think it's the fact he asked why rather than just said I like your hair up. It's not abnormal to have long hair. I find most women on my Facebook have hair down in profile photos too.

I think he was with his ex for 8 years and he's been single for 18 months. So he's not dated anyone else for a long time. So is he clueless? He's an older man if that could mean anything.

He's not shown any signs of control at all. He's always happy when I meet friends. He would do anything for me. He isn't constantly complimenting me but he does say nice things to me daily. He tells me he has alot of respect for me and often says I'm the right women to talk to him.

I hope I'm not missing any obvious signs. He is different to men I've dated in the past. He is more of a hands on grafter and works hard outside all day. So he's used to the more masculine environment. So his personality is different to the quiet office men I've dated before. But he is making me very happy. Just the hair comments.

Hoping this reply doesn't sound ridiculous. It's so hard explaining a personality on here.

OP, I have similarish sounding hair to you, thick, wavy potentially frizzy and auburn. The only difference is I wear it short as it looks much better this way on me.

I have also had issues with some individuals commenting repeatedly on how I should change it. I don't want to as thick, wavy, reddish hair is infamously a bit unruly, and having had it cut differently/longer, I know it simply won't look as good as some people are imagining!

It hasn't been romantic partners, rather 'friends' who have bought my up my hair, and suggested I change it over and over again until it got a bit weird. They are no longer friends!

@Melonslice444 you are so lucky as you have amazing hair... however I don't think you have such an amazing man. His behaviour says 'controlling' to me.

I remember my sister's friend who literally stopped wearing the lipstick & short skirts she loved to please her man.
Now she's trapped in an unhappy marriage far from her friends.