He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

It slightly worries me that you've actually posted a picture here to check on whether it's nice! He has you doubting yourself, and actually going back and asking him for validation. I'm sorry but @Bluntness100 has it. He's testing and manipulating and it won't be purely because he fancies your neck. He's checking to see if you will change it, if he can plant doubt in your self worth enough to do it his way.

I realise how that sounds, but most of us who have been with one of these men now recognise glaring red flags and I've seen this shit before.

Fwiw, it's gorgeous. I have similar hair and no man will ever tell me what to do with it.

So today he is suggesting you wear your hair in a way that pleases him. So you comply and then tomorrow he starts to make comments about your clothes, your hobbies, your friends. It’s a red flag. I would be watching this and seeing if it escalates.

@Melonslice444 Urgh! FFS do NOT change anything about yourself to please this man - or ANY man!

I have had boyfriends in the waaaay distant past, who told me they 'prefer me in a skirt,' or they prefer my hair down and not tied up, and one who told me 'I best NEVER have my hair cut short or it's over,' and one told me once that I 'look better without make up.'

I was also told by one that I need to wear longer skirts as my legs are 'chunky.'

My legs were gorgeous when I was young, and even my critical old grandmother said 'ya got a good leg there Patti...Not many lasses can say they got a good leg.' (She meant LEGS, but was a Northerner!) Basically, this man I was dating wanted me to cover my legs up because they got loads of admiring looks from other men.

I am willing to bet that virtually every woman who ever dated any man, has had something similar happen. A man trying to change how they look, and telling them they'd look better this way, or that way...

And no matter what people say, it IS controlling. He wants you to look a certain way. (Whether it's how he prefers you, OR whether it's to make you look less appealing to other men.)

Even if he doesn't mean to be a controlling opinionated twat, and it just comes natural to do it (as it does with some men who think they should tell women how to look and behave,) it doesn't change the fact it's bang out of order.

As pps have said, say to him 'I prefer it down, and shall be keeping it down! Please stop telling me to put it up, because it's pissing me off now!'

A few people have said it's a compliment... it's not!

Your hair by the way, is gorgeous. (On your pic on page 1 of this thread.) You do look like a dementor from Harry Potter on the photo though!

A lot of people are giving this man the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not one of them. I think this is a major red flag and just the beginning of his controlling behaviour. First it's the hair, then it will be the clothes, the make-up, and on and on.

This is how these twats always start. They claim it's just a compliment but what they want is to control you. I'd be running for the hills.

If you can't simply tell him you like your hair how it is and actually you don't want it to be a conversation thanks, then you don't have much of a relationship anyway. You just think you do.

So what does that mean in man's land?

It probably means exactly what it says. He thinks your face is very pretty and likes when he can see it properly.
Theres nothing even slightly weird about that. If you ask him to stop mentioning it, he should. That's all

just for the sake of opposites.
my DP has mid length hair and I prefer him with it in a neat ponytail.
when loose, I think he looks a bit 'wild man of the woods' and it does cover his lovely bone structure.
so I prefer it tied back.

not everyone suits loose hair, one way or another, and we are all entitled to preferences, but to suggest I want him to tie it back so as to make him less attractive to women would sound ludicrous.

the misandry on this website is embarrassing.
many, many people look good and even better with hair off their neck and face. Both men and women.
Exposing the neck and face is very often associated with femininity/attractiveness and would NOT stop a woman being perceived as sexually attractive.
what a weird assumption.
it isn't like he's begging her to go bald.

that said, to the OP - I would be upset with this because he won't let it drop, and for feeling pressured. I don't like this and don't blame you for being uncomfortable. the sensible thing would be a conversation, lay out your feelings and if he doesn't respect that then you have a bigger issue.
good luck:)

@Josette77

I have nice long hair. My face looks prettier with it up, though. I don't see the issue.

But YOU prefer it up. And that is YOUR choice.

Do you seriously not see the difference? Between your situation, and the OP's?

Wow your hair is absolutely beautiful!

I think what he is doing is called "negging" which is to make you doubt yourself. He probably feels a bit insecure but that's not your problem to fix!

@Aquamarine1029

A lot of people are giving this man the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not one of them. I think this is a major red flag and just the beginning of his controlling behaviour. First it's the hair, then it will be the clothes, the make-up, and on and on.

This is how these twats always start. They claim it's just a compliment but what they want is to control you. I'd be running for the hills.

DEFINITELY a major red flag. I pity anyone who thinks his behaviour is OK. They have clearly been manipulated and conditioned by their partner.

@ProudAuntie76

That said, it's depressing how many people buy into the 'long hair is more beautiful' thing. Lots of people really don't suit it hanging down limply by their face.

The OP’s hair is beautiful. It’s not hanging limply. She does seem to suit it. More importantly, it’s her hair and she likes it.

It’s depressing how many people judge the appearance of others and think their opinion is worth more than that of the hair/face/body owner. Not your hair/face/body? Not your problem.

I wasn't saying OP's hair doesn't suit her. We don't know whether it does or not, because we can't see her face. It doesn't matter either way though, it's her hair and her BF going on about it all the time is making her uncomfortable.

I was making a broader comment on how it's depressing that long hair is by default seen as better by our society, an inbuilt attitude toward what it is to be feminine and young, perhaps.

Your hair is amazing!

He might just genuinely like the way you look with your hair up, or he might think you look really attractive with it down and he's worried other men will like you and therefore he is trying to stop you looking so great.

I would just be honest with him. Tell him you like it down and it's making you feel like shit that he keeps bringing it up.

It's entirely down to you how you style your hair. You've got to like it. I find your hair rather bland and lanky but if we met in real life, I'd keep my opinion to myself. However, I would not compliment you on your look.

I find quite a few responses on this thread a bit hyperbolic and yeah, I get the concern over warning signs about controlling behaviour. I myself posted in various reincarnations about manipulative partners. However, I have seen plenty of examples of women on here who talk about how they don't like a certain hairstyle, beard or fashion style of their partner. You have the love and companionship aspect but then you also have the lust/phoar factor. I would not for a minute accuse any of the female posters of wanting to control their partner. You fancy what you fancy. I got to confess, I slowly coaxed my DH to ditch his big dad T-shirts to wear more fitted ones instead that really show what a handsome man he is. I'd have backed off though if he made it a no-go subject. I could rattle down every potential red flag scenario but in this case, I'd reserve judgement. You like your hair down. It probably looks a lot better up. If you have a date and want to seduce him, you know what works. Doesn't mean a complete capitulation of your free will. Just a compromise for when you want to look good for your man. Vice versa with stuff you fancy him in.

@Melonslice444 It’s disrespectful of him to repeatedly comment about your appearance when you haven’t asked for his opinion. Personally I would end the relationship, but if you really want to keep seeing him tell him to stop because it’s up to you how you style YOUR hair.

He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Sounds like the start of controlling you. It starts with these seemingly innocuous statements. Next he’ll be saying he prefers you to wear x instead of why. He thinks that by dressing it up (poorly) as a compliment you won’t realise what he’s doing.

Your hair is lovely by the way.

Hmm. Your hair is super lovely, by the way 🙂

I think this is a bit OTT in terms of some reactions here, though.

I personally love my partner saying if he likes a particular look of mine. He hasn't said don't have it down or you're not pretty with it down. He just loves it up and is telling you! I personally welcome that kind of openness and feedback in my relationship. He will always tell me what he thinks, but in a sensitive way. I think it's great you can look several different ways. I think he's engaging with you/your hair. I love a particular length of hair in my man and he knows that. Not too short, not long, but just long enough to run my fingers through. Feel I can tell him that and it doesn't threaten him.

Personally I think it's nice he's telling you. And it fussing mean he doesn't like it down. He just loves it up.

OP your hair is beautiful! Please don't change for him.

I used to have hair long and thick like yours, but I found due to lack of time I was always wearing it scraped back. My DH loves my hair long, and when I told him I had decided to cut it short (jaw length) he didn't say a thing to put me off. All he said when I got home with my new haricut was 'that really suits you'. I know he prefers it long, but he would never tell me repeatedly or try to get me to do something different to suit him.

Frankly, OP, it doesn't matter whether your hair looks like a ripply, swishy Pantene ad, or like Wurzel Gummidge's -- it's your hair, you get to decide how to wear it, and while a longterm partner can certainly express a preference that you might choose to go along with, I would have zero patience with a new guy who's already strongly expressing a preference for you to look different to the way you usually present yourself, and not stopping when you've made it clear you prefer your hair the way you usually wear it.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't read the OP's account of what her boyfriend has said as him trying to make her less attractive to other men to me, the questions about why she 'wears it so long' sounds like the kind of thing my mother (who likes a 'nice hair style') says about anyone over the age of about 18 with hair worn loose past their shoulders, which is 'It's not a bit flattering on her, it pulls her features down would you not think she'd go and cut it cut into a nice, shorter, more flattering cut that would have a bit more life to it?' (Mary Beard fills her with outrage...)

It's absolutely beautiful and looks in great condition OP. If someone started hinting at me to cut off mine (same length) they'd be told where to go straight off the bat.

Tell him youre perfectly capable of managing your own hair and you want to know what he wants you'll ask for his opinion.

How about replying 'I always look pretty and love wearing my hair down'

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

My god 😂😂😂

I bet he's hoping you'll put your hair up and ay the end of the day you to do one if those slow-motion-release-hair-from-clip-and-shake-head-seductively-from-side-to-side things. They don't constantly put them in movies for no reason.

He sounds annoying.

It's irrelevant whether it looks better up or down. It is uncomfortable to wear up. Heavy hair can be.
Lots of people think women's legs look better in heels, doesn't mean women should be uncomfortable for someone else's pleasure.

@Melonslice444

Yeah it makes me think does he want me to have it like his ex. She had just below the shoulders hair and has it up in alot of their photos. I hope it isn't something like that though.

I kind of want to show you some pictures and hide my face on here. But I don't want to be recognised

He does seem to be pressing you to wear your hair a certain way. It could be because it's how his ex wore her hair - equally, she could have been subjected to the same pressure from him, and gave in. Either way, it's not good.

And frankly, constantly mentioning he prefers you to wear your hair other than how YOU prefer to - gives me the ick.

I find myself wondering, 'if OP changed her hairstyle to please him - what would he then start constantly mentioning that he wanted her to change?' Because "he keeps mentioning my hair" it suggests to me he wants to mould you into some idea he has, rather than take you as you are (which is someone with gorgeous hair, I love it!). An occasional comment is one thing, but he's mentioning it often enough to "make me a bit paranoid" and "it feels a bit like he's also insulting me."

"I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure." And insecure people are more likely to act on the suggestions of others, so I can't discount the possibility that he is deliberately making you feel insecure so that you will change your hair to what he wants.

Wear your hair as you want to. And next time he mentions how pretty you look if you wear it how he wants you to, TELL him that you're tired of his comments and his CRITICISM of how you like to wear your hair, and you'd prefer him to stop trying to manipulate you into changing your appearance to suit him.

Oh, and as for "I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man" - I'd reserve judgement on the 'nice'. Nice men don't make their girlfriends feel insecure.

I dumped a similar man who said more than once that he liked it when I wore longer dresses. Bye.