He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair alot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

Mistake. You are negotiating with him about YOUR physical appearance. Don't. That is not a matter that's up for discussion.

For those saying 'it's okay for him to have a preference': no. It isn't his hair. The polite thing to do, if you have something to say about someone's personal appearance that isn't directly complimentary is keep your opinions to yourself until you are asked for them. That's what's called basic respect (and it is a low bar; it's called courtesy at a pretty elementary level).

It's the beating the drum and constant repetition that rings warning bells for me. This is what's commonly known as 'chipping away'. And it's having the desired effect, given you're already raising this with him in a conciliatory manner. Stop doing this, and if he starts again along the same tack, shut this BS down hard.

If he gets his way over the hair next time it will be something else. And then something else. This kind of man is a type, OP.

Having seen your pic it beats the hell out of me what fault anyone could possibly find with hair like that! Your gut is right: something's off.

You are overthinking this massively OP.

All you need to do is tell him directly that you don't like him telling you he prefers your hair short and you want him to stop.

If he does, fine. If he doesn't, he's not such a great guy after all.
This is all you need to know on this topic. Not endless analysis of what his motivations are, but just how he reacts when you tell him from you need from him.

People seem to think this is a thread about hairstyles. It isn't. It's about a man who repeatedly tells a woman that she should change a part of herself that she loves to please him to the point she is doubtful and lacking in confidence and objectivity.
I have to agree with this. Combined with searching through her entire Facebook to find a photo of her with her hair up to broach her again with it! And OP also says he is always complimenting her looks and personality.

He’s putting you on a pedestal so even if he might not be toxic in himself right now, the behaviour could lead to lots of problems down the line.

If you’re getting on with him, then just ask him to stop with the hair comments. Be firm and tell him it’s your hair not his.

Although it’s a bit worrying to me that he compliments you every day and is a hands on man. He sounds exactly like someone I knew. As soon as the relationship had firm footing, the compliments became Back handed insults !

Only read the first page but he sounds like a creep. I'm not saying he IS a creep, but as a woman who's had waist-length hair several times in my life, I've come across quite a few blokes who make 'off' remarks about it.

From the ENT consultant who told me my ear problems would vanish if I cut my hair short (WTF? I said to my GP that I didn't want to see him again & was told, "Lots of people say that about him.")... to men who would, out of the blue, 'joke' about cutting my hair... to one old man at work who approached me from behind with an open pair of scissors in his hand, which in my mind should be a sackable offence, whatever he was planning to do (I turned round, saw him & I don't know what I said in my shock, but the whole office was staring at me, open-mouthed!).

My DH, on the other hand, adores my hair long & I don't think he likes it short, although he's polite about it when I go for a shorter cut. My hair's thick & a bit unruly, so it's definitely eaiser when it's long.But it's not just that he doesn't have to listen to me moaning or agonising about it - he just likes it long.

You have absolutely beautiful hair and if i had hair that lovely I doubt I would ever put it up either.

I would let him know the comments on your hair are annoying and him. I think you can do better.

and block him

I wouldn't say it sounds like he wants you less attractive to other men but that he wants to tell you how you wear your hair to suit him. I like to look nice for my dh but I wear my hair as I want and as it suits my life. I'd ask him straight out in such a way it sounds like you'll do what he wants and then don't and bin him.

I have a lot of think hair. My DH thinks I look nicest with it tied back as he likes to see my face. He says I'm pretty with it up. He doesn't make a big deal of it though. So it could just be that your new guy is trying to be nice and thinks you're gorgeous - or he's a controlling prick. It's one of the two!

That said, it's depressing how many people buy into the 'long hair is more beautiful' thing. Lots of people really don't suit it hanging down limply by their face

Yes I agree its depressing. I have noticed when I have my hair in its natural state(very curly shoulder length, i get no looks or attention from men.
But if i have my hair straightened (it goes down to my ribs then) I will have men looking or beeping at me as I walk it's just fucking hair. I was the same person the day before.

@Melonslice444

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair alot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty.

So what does that mean in man's land?

It means he’s expressed his opinion and expects you to jump. I had one of those-“but you look much nicer when you wear something other than jeans (sad face). Oh you’re wearing jeans again, (sad shake of head) you do look nicer in a dress.(sigh)” (btw I was 18 and fucking hot in jeans). Didn’t take long for all the other expectations to emerge.

I’d personally just say to him next time “you’re going on about my hair being better up quite a lot and it’s getting a bit offensive. I like my hair. Lots of other people comment that it’s lovely down.” Then see what he comes back with, and how he behaves in future.

It’s clearly gorgeous hair. Could it just be that you look lovely with it up? Have other people ever said that to you? Sometimes hair can hang over great features like cheekbones, or a nice neck, and eyes look more wow sometimes without hair in face?

I would consider that sort of comment to be overstepping boundaries. You are not a doll for him to style to his preferences.

I think there can be a blurring of the line between compliments and an entitlement to comment. Dh would have been a bit like that in the beginning, until I copped myself on and told him to butt out of my appearance choices. He doesn’t have to like my hairstyle, but he absolutely has zero right to expect me to wear it any other way. And the correct thing to say if you haven’t something nice to say is nothing at all.

I know some women who take a sort of pride in dressing their bf/Dh/dp but for me it’s an infringement. I like a style of clothing that Dh has never shown any inclination towards. But I just cannot imagine dressing him up for my edification. He’s a person, not an accessory.

My dd has lovely long hair, it looks pretty when its up or down.However she wears it up infrequently at the moment, so when she dos a bun or a high pony I always tell her how pretty it looks.It does. Theres nothing controlling in that at all. I have long hair too, when my twins were born I went short and dh loved it. He still refers to it and I still keep it longer.I have never thought that his comments on my hair make him some kind of controlling nutter.I think this has been blown out of all proportion

“That said, it's depressing how many people buy into the 'long hair is more beautiful' thing. Lots of people really don't suit it hanging down limply by their face.“

I agree that the ‘long hair is more beautiful by default’ mindset is tawdry. I can think of a few people I know who I think would look better without a clingy curtain of hair.

often says I'm the right women to talk to him.
So talk to him.
Don't ask MN, who seem to bring most relationship threads round to "LTB".
Talk. Converse. With him.

@Onesipmore

My dd has lovely long hair, it looks pretty when its up or down.However she wears it up infrequently at the moment, so when she dos a bun or a high pony I always tell her how pretty it looks.It does. Theres nothing controlling in that at all. I have long hair too, when my twins were born I went short and dh loved it. He still refers to it and I still keep it longer.I have never thought that his comments on my hair make him some kind of controlling nutter.I think this has been blown out of all proportion

But do you keep asking your DD why she wears it long, and telling her she should wear it up more?

My relationship before this one just past (15 years, 2 kids, still reeling I admit), the dude didn't like me wearing orange. The more recent, 15 year one, the dude wanted me to wear chunky jewellry (like some kind of 80s art teacher).

neither of them have turned out to be worth the time (the kids are lovely though). both of them had me raising an eyebrow at their wants - the orange one I was young and aquiesed. The second I was older (and didn't want to wear jewellry around babies, let alone chunky). looking back, neither realy saw me as a person. Both saw me as a kind of accessory who sat in a cupboard (with optional children) until they required my attention.

Not trying to scare you, but this sounds familiar to me. In my early 20s I started dating a man 12 years older than me. Very nice, hard working, attractive, had his own place etc. Very complimentary of me but would always put a few little thoughts in my head. Like your hair looks so pretty when it’s short. You look so nice in dresses. Always disguised as a compliment but I realised, much later down the line, he was massively controlling. What he actually meant was cut your hair and don’t wear jeans or short dresses because I don’t like them. He would comment about my portion size, my shoes, my coats, my job. He had an opinion on everything and basically wanted me to be a stepford wife.

I’m not saying your dp is the same, but please do watch out for it. It slowly crept up on me and when I realised, we were already living together with a mortgage. It took me a long time to untangle myself from that mess.

I think he's just doing a terrible job trying to talk to you about a very personal thing and prefers it up as he thinks it suits you more? Just try and have a sensible conversation with him if it continues to bother you.

I've no idea what a 'unicorn cut' is..... but your hair pic looks great.

Had a look at the image. Going to go out on a limb here and just say your hair looks really long. I would want to have it cut much shorter and freshened up urgently.

Long hair can be great - but sometimes it can really overshadow a whole face IMHO. I actually think he's right. Sorry! Your hair is long and drapey and looks like it's overshadowing somewhat.

Looks thick and healthy - I'd say a nice bit of layering all over would look fantastic and flattering as well as 3 inches off the bottom.

On the other hand, I'd not want a man telling me what to do with my hair. Make a comment about his, to hit home, if you have to. But let him know early on where the lines are drawn or you'll keep revisiting this.

Agree with other posters about not negotiating. Just say is straight. "I don't like you commenting about my hair, it's making me feel insecure".

He gets the whole package or no package.

My first thoughts, based on my experiences, would be that he is testing the water to see if you'll do as he wants/says. If I were you I'd make it crystal clear to him that you won't be changing your hair and see what happens from there and what his reaction is.

@MilkMoon I don't think OP mentioned he asked her why she wears it long. Fwiw I think he's trying to complement her, but perhaps not delivering it very well. If I was the OP I would probably just say why are you mentioning my hair all the time and then she will have an answer.

[quote Onesipmore]@MilkMoon I don't think OP mentioned he asked her why she wears it long. Fwiw I think he's trying to complement her, but perhaps not delivering it very well. If I was the OP I would probably just say why are you mentioning my hair all the time and then she will have an answer.[/quote]
It's there in her first post:

He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long.