He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

@greenemerald

I don't see the big deal. So he prefers it up? I prefer my DH with a beard.. if he didn't have it I'd probably mention that I preferred him with it. I can't see the sinister intention here. However if he's mentioned it a few times it can be quite annoying. I'd just say 'no I prefer it down, stop commenting on it now' and end of convo.

That’s because you’re a woman, expressing a preference. It’s fine

A man however expressing a preference is creepy and/or controlling

It means he wants you to wear it how he's telling you to wear it!

You need to tell him that you wear it how you want to and if that's a problem to him, tough. You can buy him a girls world and he can play with her hair.

.

I find this creepy. I don’t like men who compliment too much, especially early in the relationship. Fine if they make a nice compliment about your looks, smile, eyes, hair etc... but they don’t need to go on about it, I find it quite fake and creepy.

As for his fixation on your hair, it sounds like the beginnings of coercive control to me, pressuring you to change your hair at first, then what’s next???

@Bluntness100 sorry but I think you’re making a massive leap based on nothing. There’s no evidence he’s a creep trying to make her less attractive.

Tell him to mind his business. Your hair is lovely btw.

@AliceMcK

I find this creepy. I don’t like men who compliment too much, especially early in the relationship. Fine if they make a nice compliment about your looks, smile, eyes, hair etc... but they don’t need to go on about it, I find it quite fake and creepy.

As for his fixation on your hair, it sounds like the beginnings of coercive control to me, pressuring you to change your hair at first, then what’s next???

much better expressed than me. thank you.

A compliment now and again, in context is completely different to constant comments and pressure to change.

It means he wants you to wear it how he's telling you to wear it! That is exactly it.

Rather than asking him about it and trying to work out what he means, tell him (non-combatively!) that while you hear that he likes your hair a particular way, you like it down and you don't really want to keep hearing him talk about it now he's said it a good few times.

To me it means he loves your face and likes seeing it and the longer hair obscures you’re face. That’s about it.

I don’t know why so many posters are making the leap into controlling behaviour. Many have been through it, I suppose, but for most people it’s simply a compliment.

I love it when my daughter wears her hair up because I can see her, and to me she’s beautiful. Her longer hair hides that. Doesn’t mean I think she’s not beautiful with it down. Doesn’t mean I should have a say in how she wears it.

I love it when my husband is in a tux. Doesn’t mean I expect him to wear one all the time to please me.

Honestly, take the compliment and move on. If there are other issues in the relationship, that’s different, but it doesn’t sound like it.

Your hair is lovely. Even if it wasn't to his taste, I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to keep commenting.
He can see your face enough not to need your hair out of the way.

Even if he genuinely thinks you suit your hair up, you do not have to be "optimal" at all times. Its not a compliment to keep saying you look nice if you did x, y, z. I would prefer less physical compliments from someone who can see past my hair length.

@MissBPotter

He could be trying to control you, don’t like the sound of it.

This is what came into my mind straight away.

Try just not mentioning your hair at all, not asking him how he likes it or telling him it’s gone frizzy etc. Then when he mentions it next say yeh you’ve said that a few times now and as I said before I find it more comfortable and prefer to wear it down.

I love it when my husband is in a tux. Doesn’t mean I expect him to wear one all the time to please me.

But this is exactly the point. If he comes downstairs wearing a suit, you don't say, "you look great, but you'd look better in a tux".

I like DH's hair short. When he has it cut and keeps it a bit longer, if he asks my opinion I tell him it looks great (which it does). I don't say, "it looks great, but I prefer it short". He knows I prefer it short and both him and I know that how he prefers it is entirely irrelevant.

Argh, both him and I know that how I prefer it is entirely irrelevant.

It sounds like he's being a bit full on with the comments, and is in danger of giving you the ick. At which point he only has himself to blame.

That said, it's depressing how many people buy into the 'long hair is more beautiful' thing. Lots of people really don't suit it hanging down limply by their face.

He wants you to wear your hair up because he wants you to wear it that way and he thinks if he keeps saying how pretty you look with it like that then you will/should comply.

Text back "I like to wear my hair how I like to wear it and how I am most comfortable with it and no, I won't be putting it up or cutting it shorter to please you no matter how many times you tell me how pretty you think I look with it styled differently. I wear my hair the way I wear it for me not to please anyone else including you, stop pressuring me to do otherwise."

@Melonslice444

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair alot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty.

So what does that mean in man's land?

I’d reply back “Well I’ve noticed you comment on it alot which sounds like you’re hinting I should change it. I prefer it down so please stop mentioning it.”

If I had to guess what it means in “man’s land”, it means he’s telling you what his preferences are - which is fine in itself but it becomes creepy when it’s repetitive, as it appears to be.

My husband very much prefers my hair off my face. I know this but he's never made me feel uncomfortable about it.

These comments are niggling at you for a reason - listen to that inner voice / intuition.

Your version of beauty is the only version that should matter. Your hair is beautiful and you are fine just the way you are.

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty

Well he's a bit thick isn't he? Your face is the same level of prettiness, regardless of the hair framing it. It is not as if a degree of ugliness descends over it when you loosen your hair. For those of us non-beautiful mere mortals, the reverse is usually true; our looks can be flattered with make up or the framing of a hairstyle to suit the face shape (or lovely long glossy hair to distract from my more average features).

He could possibly mean that you are one of these very lucky people who is so pretty/classically beautiful that you don't "need" the distraction of "hair framing" to enhance your looks, but it seems incredibly unlikely that your facial beauty would actually improve with scraped back or short hair.

Have been mulling over what might be afoot. Possibly as pps have said he might be wanting you to hide a stereotypically attractive feature when you are in public sight of other men. Or he has some prissy ideas along the lines that "ladies" should look smart and elegant, not relaxed and sexy. Or he has a strong preference for short hair/neatly put up hair and he is "nagging" you to comply even though you have told him that it is your hair/face and you do not share his preference.

None of those are good. Possibly the best outcome would be if he has a preference for "hair up" and lacks the emotional intelligence to not get the message that you do not wish to comply, and that his repeated comments are starting to upset and irritate you.

Try spelling it out. "Look Barry, it is starting to upset and irritate me that you constantly tell me you want me to wear my hair up when I have told you that I do not share your preference. You have expressed your opinion but it is my hair, so I get the final say, and the fact that you keep asking is starting to really annoy me. Please stop, or if it is a real issue, please tell me why. If it is simply that you find women with short or worn-up hair more attractive than those with loose hair then I think you are with the wrong person. Either way, if you continue, it will tell me everything I need to know about you ..."

What @Bluntness100 said

I’d just say. ‘Oh thanks ‘ and then wear it however I wanted to

your hair your choice

But I agree with pp this is how it starts
It’ll be your clothes next. He will ‘like you in dresses not trousers’. Flats not heels. ‘Why do you need to wear all that make up - you’re only going to work ‘
It’ll be ‘Who are you trying to impress?’
Etc etc

I’ve been there.

There’s a massive difference between noticing someone’s hair is up and saying “your hair looks nice today” and

Constantly referring to her hair looking nicer up.

Constantly implying she’s prettier with it up.

Asking why it’s so long as if it’s an oddity.

Offering to cut it for her, even as a joke.

He’s got a fixation on her hair and either hiding it by wearing it up or cutting it short. When confronted about it, any reasonable man would realise he’s making too big a deal not reply “I don’t dislike long hair but you look so so pretty with it up”.

He’s actively trying to get her to feel insecure about her hair, which from the picture is really stunning and eye-catching, and is constantly suggesting she gets it out of the way, either by cutting it (or him cutting it) or tying it up. Even though SHE doesn’t like it up and she finds it uncomfortable. This man wants her to change her appearance for him.

And he’s fixating on her appearance and objectifying her in other ways. He does sound creepy. I’d not allow him to be dictating to me.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Tell him to knob off!!! It's your hair and you can wear it however you damn well please. His comment are NOT compliments if they are making you doubt yourself.

There is something really off with his comments. Like he's 'negging' you. Or being passive aggressive. Proceed with caution...

'Negging' is exactly what I thought.

Yes, call him on it every time.

Trust your instincts OP. If something makes you uncomfortable, say it, because this could be a red flag. Personally, I find it really creepy. Yes, it is a criticism of your looks and he's trying to get you to change how you look for him. That's controlling and a red flag. I would be very firm with him and I'd be very vigilant going forward, I don't like the sound of him at all.