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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:

London1977 · 13/01/2021 14:08

@Bluntness100

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it.

You madam have a problem on your hands.

Exactly...x

PearlescentIridescent · 13/01/2021 14:09

OP I'm not saying it's the case but as you ask what this means in man land, I refer again to the weird blow job ponytail fetish some guys have.

I'm hoping it's innocent but his reply is not convincing. Not not convincing because of the BJ thing, but because in his apology he is still passively telling you how to wear it. I have a real hard time getting my partner to say whether he would think any potential style change would be nice because he will never say one thing looks better than the other 😅 surely most men are like this unless they are controlling or insecure?

sonjadog · 13/01/2021 14:09

I think it is weird. He is offering you his opinion our personal appearance without you asking for it. Would you do the same to him? I bet you wouldn't. It does sound to me like he has potential to be controlling about your appearance. I would proceed with caution with this one.

Alicatz66 · 13/01/2021 14:09

Weirdo ... when I was online dating a few years ago I had random
Men message me saying I was too skinny .. ( size 10 ) and my hair was too short and they liked women with long hair and I should consider growing it !!! Freaks !!!... scroll on by !! ... like they say nobody has the confidence of mediocre white men ! ... I'd put him in the bin now

AcornAutumn · 13/01/2021 14:09

@hammeringinmyhead

You're not. This is a giant red flag if he has mentioned it more than once. "I like that dress," is one thing. "I like it when you wear dresses like that and not your usual unflattering jeans," is quite another.

This. No one should be making unwanted suggestions about your appearance.

Tier10 · 13/01/2021 14:10

He probably does find you prettier with your hair up but he shouldn’t keep mentioning it.

Shetoshe · 13/01/2021 14:10

I'm usually quite wary of these types of comments but he could very well just prefer your hair up? Everyone has preferences. I usually wear my hair down but on the rare occasions it's up my mum is forever complimenting it and there's no sinister motive for that like your DP she thinks it shows off my face more and looks pretty.

Your hair is gorgeous (hair envy for sure!) but I can see how it might cover up your face to a degree as there's so much of it. He still shouldn't labour the point to the extend he is, as it's your hair and your choice what to do with it. I would make it clear that he has to stop going on about it but I wouldn't necessarily think he's awful just yet. His reaction to you telling him to shut up about it will tell you what you need to know.

London1977 · 13/01/2021 14:10

I would quite literally die for your gorgeous hair.

HappyFlamingo · 13/01/2021 14:12

Text back:

"Oh I see. The thing is that I prefer wearing my hair down. Please can you stop mentioning this, because I'm not planning to change it and your comments are starting to make me feel a bit sad?"

PearlescentIridescent · 13/01/2021 14:13

Ew I also would not like the fact that he wants you to wear it in a similar fashion to his ex!

Is he worth it OP? This would cool me right down on him.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2021 14:14

@Tier10

He probably does find you prettier with your hair up but he shouldn’t keep mentioning it.

I think it’s the opposite

The op clearly has gorgeous hair. He will be aware men can stereotypically like long hair. I assume he does.

He’s getting her to hide it. Becayse he thinks other men will be attracted to her. He’s a wanker. And this is a red flag.

GarlicSoup · 13/01/2021 14:15

@jaffacakesareevil

Hmm..it's sound like he's checking if you will change your hair to what he likes. I would think carefully, he might then have expectations that you will change other things about yourself, if he says he doesn't like them.

This be wary OP

SoulofanAggron · 13/01/2021 14:16

YANBU it's up to you how you have your hair. What he describes isn't seen as 'the most attractive hairdo ever' anyway, it's just his individual preference.

This is controling/manipulative of him.

Just say something like 'I like it how it is, thanks' 'I wear it how I feel like wearing it' etc.

It looks really nice, sophisticated and in good condition.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/01/2021 14:16

In man's land that means he has an opinion you are supposed to take note of - if you love him!

(At best) he's making you feel that you have to change part of you to be his idea of pretty. He compliments you and then says your hair is nicer some other way, repeatedly.

That isn't really acceptable, is it?

I used to have almost waist length hair, but have had it far shorter for a long time. DH said nothing. Now it isn't being cut it's back to shoulder length and, after having had it trimmed but not cut short again, DH said "That's nice! It suits you." That's how it's supposed to be, isn't it?

borntobequiet · 13/01/2021 14:16

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty.

So what does that mean in man's land?

It means he thinks you look pretty with your hair off your face. That’s it.

BornIn78 · 13/01/2021 14:17

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty

I would text back: "Yes, you've mentioned that - plenty of times. I've got the message. I'm going to be honest with you, it's got to the point where I feel like you're negging me so can you please stop it."

But... now you've noticed this, you'll start noticing other little things that you didn't pay much attention to before, I bet you. I think once he shuts up about your hair it won't be long before he finds something else to start negging you about.

Jacketpotato84 · 13/01/2021 14:17

My thoughts are.. i bet you look stunning how ever you have your hair and he is insecure so wants you to feel down or not look so pretty so other guys wont try it on. He feels inferior to you. Trust your gut yes he is trying to make you paranoid why would he go on about it so much and he said he would cut it? Oh god please don't let him you will regret it. You have your hair how you like it, its a part of you if he has a problem with it for whatever reason he needs to get gone.

SoulofanAggron · 13/01/2021 14:17

The op clearly has gorgeous hair. He will be aware men can stereotypically like long hair. I assume he does. He’s getting her to hide it. Becayse he thinks other men will be attracted to her. He’s a wanker. And this is a red flag.

@Bluntness100 This is a good point. What he's asking for isn't the most conventionally attractive hairdo.

Sparklfairy · 13/01/2021 14:19

I dated someone a few months and absentmindedly said I wanted to go blonder. "Oh no! I like your hair as it is!" He was quite vocal about it I just stared at him and said "what difference does that make, it's my hair not yours".

I know you've had a few different opinions but ime men that repeatedly do this start small, like hair. It implies "you'll be more attractive to me if you do x" then you do it and he can ask some thing bigger and bigger until he's controlling you.

You can still include him and ask his opinion, i.e. do you think I should wear my hair up or down for dinner tonight? Hmm I can't decide...

But ultimately make sure you always get the final say, and never do anything that he's suggested out of the blue. You're not a Barbie doll he can dress as he wants.

surelynotnever · 13/01/2021 14:19

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair a lot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

Why are you asking him this? Just tell him to pack it in with the comments. If he doesn't, or if he does but moves onto other 'improvements' you could make, you'll know to ditch him and move on.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/01/2021 14:19

The comment re his cock looking larger if only if he shaved all his genital area!

Brilliant! 🤣

Tier10 · 13/01/2021 14:21

Bluntness100 I think the opposite to you, my DH prefers my hair up, especially with a few bits of hair around me face, he always has. I can see what he means and i do look pretty with it up . I associate hair up with doing housework or boiling weather and I don’t like the feel of a hair peg thing after a while so I have it down most of the time.

BlingLoving · 13/01/2021 14:22

Okay, I'm fully aware that you might think this is a bit conspiracy theorist and paranoid, but it does concern me. Many people are just saying it's just that he prefers your hair up, so what. And that's true. But as a rule, I think it's fine to have an opinion on your partner's hair/clothes etc, but you can be asked for an opinion and then, if that person chooses to ignore it, you also have to stop giving your opinion because it is entirely YOUR opinion.

But actually, it's more than that. You say he tells you things about your looks and personality that are nice all the time. I find that a bit odd. It smacks of someone treating someone else like a child who needs to be encouraged or taught how to appreciate x or y. Of course DH tells me things he likes about me but it comes up in conversation. It's not usually so that I get a sense of approval from him.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. But it does feel to me like this is man who complements you when you say/do/think/wear things he likes and then subtly pressurises you to change what you say/do/think/wear when you are not.

Megan2018 · 13/01/2021 14:23

DH prefers my hair up, but he doesn’t bang on about it-that would piss me off.
I put it up when I’m making an effort but he wouldn’t comment on it down, ever.
Run for the hills @Melonslice444

Rainbunny · 13/01/2021 14:24

I think the accusations of him being controlling are too much, especially without any other behaviour to suggest so.

I dated a man some years ago who also loved my hair up for some reason. Like you OP, I far preferred (still do) wearing my hair long and loose. Once we spent a weekend in Vegas to see some shows and clubs, so we got dressed up and he paid for me to have my hair styled. I didn't mind and actually it looked fantastic. It's something I'd never bother to do myself and I think it was the only time I had my hair up for him.

It wasn't sinister, my ex just really, really loved that look on me and I certainly didn't feel uncomfortable or as though I had to change my hair at all.

Sometimes that's all it is. If you know your DP loves a certain dress on you or a certain colour, do you wear it knowing he/she will love seeing you in it? My DH knows I love certain look on him and certain clothing items, he'll wear them when we go out.

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