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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:

NothingIcando · 13/01/2021 13:56

He wants you to look less attractive to other men. So he wants you to cut it off or hide it yeah...I kind of thought this for a second too...

suggestionsplease1 · 13/01/2021 13:57

@Melonslice444

Ok I've just text him and said you seem to mention my hair alot. Are you saying your are not attracted to long hair and like shorter hair?

He replied no not really just when I've seen you with your hair pulled away from your face you look so so pretty.

So what does that mean in man's land?

Take it for what it is OP - he has a preference for how you wear your hair, he likes seeing your face, whatever. Most people have some preference or other regarding appearances / styles of partner.

If you're not comfortable with the hair comments don't enquire further about them as that just engages on the issue...just say you understand that but you're more comfortable yourself with your hair down and you'd rather not have any more comments on it. Then change the subject, move on to something else. If he still can't help himself then he is kind of ignoring boundaries really and you should maybe be rethinking things.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 13/01/2021 13:57

You have lovely hair and don't go changing it.
He wants you to cut it because it is lovely and draws you attention - it was probably one of the first things he noticed about you himself.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/01/2021 13:57

I say this to my DS!! He has lovely curly hair that flops over his face - when he pushes it back it’s almost a surprise to see his lovely face, so whenever he asks for a haircut I end up saying “what about going shorter so we can see you face?!” Obviously he never agrees

My DP doesn’t like me with a fringe (or bangs as he insists on calling it) so when I did the unicorn cut in lockdown and gave myself layers and a fringe he wasn’t so impressed! He also hates it short but I sometimes still cut it as I prefer it short sometimes (usually when I’m not so fat).

It’s ok for him to have a preference and it doesn’t necessarily make him a pervert, a Dom, controlling or weird. Maybe he’s just back-handedly trying to compliment you and doing a bad job of it!

Agree with the suggestions to call him out on how often he’s saying it and what you’re taking from that though. If he’s decent he’ll be embarrassed and calm down with the ponytail talk. If he’s not you’ll soon find out - treat it as a test!

londongirl12 · 13/01/2021 13:58

@Melonslice444

Not the best way of showing you at all to be fair.

I would die for your hair!!! 😍😍

covidaintacrime · 13/01/2021 13:58

What's a unicorn cut??

Putting it up in a high pony and giving it a snip, IIRC.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/01/2021 13:58

And yes your hair looks gorgeous in that pic - don’t you dare cut it! (Unless you want to )

diddl · 13/01/2021 13:58

I think it's that he says it a lot that is wierd.

Not sure about the cutting it for you comment.

You mentioned that normally you would have had your hair cut by now & he offered to do it?

Maybe not that odd if it was sounding as if you would like it doing.

My husband has said that he prefers me with my hair off my face-once.

I have it down mostly as that's how I prefer it.

I can see his point though!

LadyOfTheFlowers · 13/01/2021 13:59

Saying that, my P prefers my hair down to up - says I look younger when it's down

Dozer · 13/01/2021 13:59

Not a good sign!

You say he’d ‘feel bad’ if he upset you: this isn’t a given!

As PPs say, would ask him to stop the comments about your hair.

Icanflyhigh · 13/01/2021 13:59

I had a boyfriend who mentioned loads that he liked it when I wore my hair up. He was turned on by being able to see the nape of my neck. Nothing more sinister or weird.

DP likes my hair up or down, prefers it longer but its up to me....

wildraisins · 13/01/2021 14:00

@Melonslice444

I am starting to think he doesnt like it. I said to him today are you saying it's too long? He said no I like long hair I just think you look pretty with it up? Then I said it would normally be cut more and he joked he would do it.

I'm trying to work out if I'm being over sensitive and paranoid.

You're not being over sensitive.

It sounds like it is not just a one off that he mentioned you look nice with your hair up (fine!), but he keeps coming back to it and so it's becoming more like a request. That would annoy the hell out of me!

Have you tried asking him directly if he is requesting that you wear your hair up rather than down? Because that's what it sounds like he is doing. And that is (albeit subtle!) quite controlling behaviour.

It's early in the relationship and if he's niggling like this already that's not a good sign!

It's one thing to complement someone and say their hair looks nice, but to constantly refer to their hair looking nice in a certain style (which isn't how it norally is) is quite rude.

Belladonna12 · 13/01/2021 14:00

You have gorgeous hair. Don't feel pressurised to change it. I suppose everyone has preferences but he needs to realise that it is time to shut up about it.

honestappraisal · 13/01/2021 14:00

My DH prefers my hair short and has told me that when I've asked but doesn't impose it.

Maybe some posters are right and he's just expressing a preference but I think there's something odd about the 'but you look so so pretty with it up' stuff. Just seems like he is a bit weirdly obsessed with maximising your prettiness or whatever. Anyway, no advice, just my instinctive reaction.

NothingIcando · 13/01/2021 14:00

Your hair is stunning 😍 now I saw your hair my suspicion is he is insecure he doesn't want other men looking your way, most men go weak at their knees for lovely natural long hair

Yes I mean its not just a beautiful colour but you can really see your hair is in top condition. Dont wear it up!!. This guy sounds a bit creepy. Do say somthing to him. Also a bit creepy if he wants it to be like his ex.

PowerslidePanda · 13/01/2021 14:01

You reply, "Thanks - but I like wearing it down too. I know you're only complimenting me, but I'm starting to feel self-conscious about it - so could we avoid the topic in future, please?"

Perfectly nice, gives him the benefit of the doubt, but a firm request to stop.

londongirl12 · 13/01/2021 14:02

It's a tricky one. I prefer my DP when he has his hair longer. I hate it when he comes back from the barbers and it's a number 2 all over!! But then if he prefers it then it's his choice.

badacorn · 13/01/2021 14:02

Every partner I’ve had has expressed a preference about my hair but it’s a simple “I prefer it like x” and they leave it at that.

It’s weird for him to keep pushing it and makes me think he is purposefully trying to make you feel like you look a bit dowdy so you feel grateful to be with him or something. Some men do bullshit things like that apparently.

Either that or he has a fetish, or he’s just rude. I think you have to directly tell him to stop pushing it, he should respect that

Dozer · 13/01/2021 14:03

Not ‘I know you’re only complimenting me’: what Op’s bf has been doing isn’t complimentary!

ivykaty44 · 13/01/2021 14:04

This man is giving his opinion, nothing wrong with having an opinion.

Tell him how you like your hair and give him your opinion - your hair you can wear it how you like.

stop reading to much into this...?

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/01/2021 14:04

It's a lovely colour and length.

Be careful-sounds like he is trying to mold you to his liking.

NameChange84 · 13/01/2021 14:07

The “you look so so pretty with it up” comment sounds creepy to me.

He’s at least sowing seeds of doubt isn’t he? Not outwardly saying he dislikes your long hair but implying you are only so SO pretty with your hair up?

In about 40 years of marriage I’ve only just learned that my Dad prefers my Mum’s hair short after it grew in the lockdown and she asked what to do...keep it longer (bob) or cut it back into a crop and he said “I like it short”.

My ex didn’t say much about my hair but he did constantly make comments about preferring me without makeup and in dark shapeless clothes. He hated me getting dressed up. He even hated me taking a shower before we went out on a date. He liked me as plain and shapeless as possible. He HATED the thought that another man might compliment me.

All started innocently... “you are SO pretty without makeup”, “you don’t NEED makeup”, “why are you wearing a dress? You look cuter in a hoodie”.

Ended up emotionally abusive.

PowerslidePanda · 13/01/2021 14:07

@Dozer

Not ‘I know you’re only complimenting me’: what Op’s bf has been doing isn’t complimentary!

I don't think it is either, but we don't know him - OP does and said she doesn't think he'd want to hurt her feelings. So it's taking it at face value for now, whilst still being firm. His behaviour after that will make it clear whether he accidentally overstepped the mark is being deliberately controlling.

notalwaysalondoner · 13/01/2021 14:08

Frankly - some people have haircuts that don't suit them. I'm not saying this is the case, but you could consider it - maybe he loves your hair but not the style you have it in and it genuinely doesn't do much for your face shape? Just a thought.

My mum spent years telling me to have my hair shorter and half up/half down style and after having bum length, scraped back hair for my teenage years I look back at photos and have to admit - she was right. It wasn't my hair that was the problem, but the style.

PowerslidePanda · 13/01/2021 14:08

*OR is being deliberately controlling

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