He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

[Melonslice444]

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

@Ebony999

This is so typical of MN. Men’s intentions are immediately assumed to be malevolent. FGS, even him telling the OP that she’s ‘so so pretty’ has been described as ‘creepy’; she’s his fucking girlfriend! Not his girlfriend’s sister. He’s also wrong, apparently, for telling the OP that he respects her; wrong l because it should be a given. We don’t know the context in which it was said, do we? The OP has said that he makes her happy and it’s this one thing that bothers her. It MAY be that it is an early indication that he’s controlling. But in my view there’s insufficient evidence to dump him for this basis alone at this stage.

Anyway, I doubt that many of you LTB crowd who are otherwise loved up would actually end it in reality if you were in her shoes. OP , proceed with your eyes open but don’t be persuaded by these snipers.

I agree. I try to avoid posting about the double standards rife on MN but you are so right. We see threads all the time where women post about their husband who has a hair cut or puts weight on and she doesn't like it and she is told why should she be with someone who doesn't want to make an effort for her. A woman posting from the other perspective would never get these kinds of responses.

You don't have to just yourself OP by telling him what you like. It's your hair, your choice.
Next time (and the time after that and after that) he says it just reply "Yes, you said" and leave it at that. He'll get the message.

Honestly OP, I'm going to go against the grain here and say he's just clumsily giving you a compliment. He isn't demanding you cut your hair or put it up, he's just letting you know his preference. Like I told my boyfriend I preferred his hair long and so he's kept it long through lockdown rather than cut it when the barber's were open. It doesn't make me controlling, I just genuinely think longer hair suits him.

My boyfriend in turn likes my hair up more as I have a long neck and apparently has a thing for the baby hairs on the nape of my neck. We all have our preferences and there's nothing wrong with being open about it so long as it's not a demand.

Your hair is lovely, keep it as it is and tell him to shut up if he mentions it again

@Melonslice444 it's completely irrelevant if he thinks you look better with it up. This is all about him and what he wants. He has no rights over you, yet he keeps reinforcing what he wants you to do. Your self-doubts are his plan. Send him this message:

My hair is how I express myself. If I wear it how you want it, then I'm not expressing myself

PS your hair is top class

@ifIwerenotanandroid I got told the exact same thing from a ENT consultant. It it to do with air circulation. I was told wearing hair up would hell rather than cutting it off, but it's the same sort of thing.

I think you're overthinking slightly, but I think is is something to keep an eye on. What doesn't sit right is the fact he doesn't just give a compliment. It's more than that and seems to have a bit of an edge to it. Saying your hair looks nice up is one thing, but to keep pushing the same point in different ways is odd. At best he's clumsy with his words, but at worst he's trying to chip away at your self esteem and planting seeds for future controlling behaviours.

We see threads all the time where women post about their husband who has a hair cut or puts weight on and she doesn't like it and she is told why should she be with someone who doesn't want to make an effort for her.

Really? A haircut? Threads all the time where a man had a perfectly normal haircut from the beginning of the relationship, that his girlfriend happened to dislike, and she's told to leave him.

Bullshit.

I see threads where men put on loads of weight, don't talk to or shag their wife, stop bathing and brushing their teeth and their wives get told to LTB. Hardly the same thing.

Red flags
It’ll be some thing else next; I ended up changing my hair/clothes/job/ and still being criticised for my driving/laugh/handwriting.

He also stalked me for years after I left him.
Ditch him now.

@SaladBowlsAndBasinsAndBuckets

You don't have to just yourself OP by telling him what you like. It's your hair, your choice. Next time (and the time after that and after that) he says it just reply "Yes, you said" and leave it at that. He'll get the message.

Really?

Why would you ever want such damaged communication in your relationship?

Play some weird childish game of ignoring it vs

"I know you like it up but I prefer it down sorry"

Clears up the issue and removes

"Next time (and the time after that and after that) he says it just reply "Yes, you said" and leave it at that. He'll get the message."

^this insanity

@AramintaLee

Honestly OP, I'm going to go against the grain here and say he's just clumsily giving you a compliment. He isn't demanding you cut your hair or put it up, he's just letting you know his preference. Like I told my boyfriend I preferred his hair long and so he's kept it long through lockdown rather than cut it when the barber's were open. It doesn't make me controlling, I just genuinely think longer hair suits him.

My boyfriend in turn likes my hair up more as I have a long neck and apparently has a thing for the baby hairs on the nape of my neck. We all have our preferences and there's nothing wrong with being open about it so long as it's not a demand.

Nope, clearly a huge red flag youre going to make him give up his job, and become a crazy stalker till you murder him.

I think it is very off and probably the "thin edge of the wedge". I can get that people might not want changes (certainly don't want my husband to grow a beard) but he met you with hair down and long. These men do start out very nice to reel you in and then start very gradually being less nice. Women then do all this running around to try to get back to the ways things were but that was never the real him. Controlling men play a very long game because they have to gain your trust before they have you friendless with a bad haircut and wearing an unflattering tracksuit. I'd be giving this man a very hard look even if I didn't end it immediately. Just watch for the next thing and Id be very surprised if there wasn't a next thing.

‘ who tells me things about my personality and looks all the time that are nice.’

This niggles me.
Nice for now, but commenting about your personality & looks all the time can be intrusive & deflationary. Should he not be so nice...

Red flags.
How can you not see this?
He sounds like an idiot.

Not a nice one. All those 'compliments' on your appearance and personality are controlling and awful and I bet if you think about them you actually find them off putting. Constant commenting on hair is him choosing something about you he wants you to change to suit his wished. Not nice. So many many times a woman on MN starts a post with 'ive met a really lovely bloke' and so many many times they are the opposite.

I generally dislike long straightened hanging curtains of hair, but that's how your hair was when you met him and I agree with all pp that he should shut up about how you have your hair.

First off, OP, you have beautiful hair, never let anyone make you feel like you have to change it.

This could be preference, but the lengths he goes through to demonstrate that preference to you are strange.

To me, it feels a bit Victorian Puritanical (maybe I've read the scene in Jane Eyre where the headmaster has Helen Burn's red hair cut off too many times). A lot of people do seem to associate long or loose hair with sexuality and loose morals, or being out of control. My sister has curly hair, and she used to work for a woman who couldn't even look at her unless it was straightened.

I have thick waist-length blonde hair, and
people do look at you if you have hair that might be out of the ordinary - unconsciously, mostly, but people often want to talk to you about it, and I frequently get bizarre comments (including once that women with long hair get assaulted more often because attackers have something to grab - completely uncalled for, dubious remark from a near stranger!). I have dated men and had a couple of male friends who react to it strangely - sometimes because they're not used to being looked at in public, and sometimes because they have all kinds of sub-conscious associations with it.

I'd keep an eye on it - any corroborating behaviours should be taken very seriously.

@Bluntness100's first post nailed it.

You're now spending time worrying about what he thinks/where he is coming from/should you be worried etc etc.

This is how abusers start- they weed their way into your mind and begin (as another poster said) to play the 'long game.' The goal of this game is to get you identifying more with how they feel about you, than about how you feel about yourself.

His comments about having 'respect for you' and 'being the right woman' are also off. Just another way of saying 'Oh but you're so DIFFERENT and SPECIAL compared to other women', which is indicative of pretty nasty misogyny.

Nice men don't make you feel appraised. And nice men have respect for all women.

Keep an eye on it.

Here's the thing, he's entitled to his opinion and all that, but you don't need to hear it. I would consider saying:

"Yep, I know you like it up and if I'm dressing up to impress you I'll keep that in mind, but I prefer it down so that's how I'll be wearing it most often. I find it really off-putting that you keep telling me, essentially, that I look better a certain way and I would appreciate you trying better to not mention it again."

I think you'd look better with it tied back as well but that's your choice to make.

I’m going to say that the fact that he TELLS you he respects you and that you’re the right woman to talk to him is far more of a red flag than the hair up comments.

Respecting you should be a given. It’s not a compliment. It suggests that by default, he doesn’t respect other women. Do you see? He thinks that his respect is a prize to be coveted - it fucking isn’t.

If he actually fundamentally respected you instead of making a show of it, he wouldn’t mention it.

OP just out of interest, what products are you using, do they have a strong smell? Do they feel sticky? You mentioned somewhere about using serum and products.

Could he be sensitive to the perfume in your hair products? I ask because my DH will often ask me not to use certain products because of the strong smell (eg coconut or Shea butter) and if my hair is down that perfume is obviously getting onto my skin (and his). Or certain sticky gels and serums feel unpleasant to touch (goes for men using them too, I’ve always disliked men’s hair gel getting on me.)

I’ve had boyfriends who preferred short bobbed hair, ones who loved it long and loose, ones who found smart up-dos most attractive. One who liked it best in a high ponytail with curls tumbling down. My XH liked it straightened and loose, my current DH likes it naturally curly and wild (he rarely gets to see it like that as it turns from curls to knots!)

I’ve always worn my hair a variety of ways to suit the occasion eg up for work (messy bun), styled in an up-do for formal occasions, loose at bedtime, half-up or fully up when DC were babies (or they grab it and yank!) If I’m wearing a nice necklace I always wear it up to show off the necklace. Same with earrings, what’s the point if your hair covers them?

My point is people have all sorts of preferences and while he shouldn’t be nagging you to try different hairstyles, it’s worth talking to him about why hair is so important that he keeps mentioning it. Does it remind him of his ex or mother or a bad memory the way you wear it?

I’m surprised people keep saying he’s controlling when no other red flags have been raised.

I guess I’m quite controlling as I’ve always preferred men with short hair and remind DH when I think his needs a trim!

Maybe he is fine but those comments would drive me beserk. I think you’d do well to be firm in rejecting any comments that aim to change your look. You don’t want to end up as his doll.

Thanks for all the replies. I've read through.

It's kind of become lockdown hair. It's longer than I've ever had it. By at least 2-3 inches. I also normally have it thinned out. So as soon as normality resumes it will get a regular cut again. But I've done the unicorn cut three times which is a video on YouTube. You put your ponytail on the centre of your forehead then put a second bobble where you wish to cut. Then you cut up into it.

I appreciate people don't all like long hanging hair. But he met me like it. He developed feelings for me over this summer whilst I had it down in the garden etc. So he hadn't seen it up. But he's always said the first day he met me he just thought wow the second he saw me. I know it's true because my friend was stood near him and his work friends and she was the one who heard him complimenting me to his friends. She said he said that women is so lovely and always has a smile on her face. She told me and that's sort of when things started. I had noticed him too.

So I will keep my eyes peeled for more signs and if he says more things..I'd be upset if he doesn't like my hair at all down and thinks it looks awful.

I plan to wait until he says anything else about my hair then I will say you made me uncomfortable when you asked me why I wear it so long. Hopefully he just worded things terribly and is strangely complimenting me.

Like I say he's different to any man I've ever been involved with before. I've always dated quiet men. He is in a much blokier environment and has the cheeky banter that goes with that. But he actually isn't as confident as he may sound.

Him and his ex will occasionally catch up with a coffee. He's very respectful about her actually too. He does seem to be the sort to only get involved when he's serious and doesn't have short flings or one night stands. So overall he's not appearing to have destroyed his ex or anything.

I know sometimes I take things to heart. I'm hoping yesterday was just a wrong worded comment. But we will see. I hope he isn't a nutter trying to turn me into an ex.

Gorgeous hair. I love it.

It's your hair, do what you want. Lots of people might look more attractive to others a certain way, but that's a mix of personal taste and societal expectation. It's all irrelevant if YOU feel comfortable though.