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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's mentioned my hair a few times now.

496 replies

Melonslice444 · 13/01/2021 13:08

I'm involved and moving forward with a nice man. He says lovely things all the time and would feel bad if he had hurt my feelings. But he keeps mentioning my hair and his comments make me abit paranoid.
My hairs naturally aurburn. I have always had lovely compliments on the colour. It's thick. Down just past my boobs as no hair cuts due to lockdown. I've been doing the unicorn cut on it and it's healthy looking. I'm always looking after it with conditioners and serums etc. I straighten it. I tend to wear it down alot. Just feel more happier with it down. Always have. Bobbles hurt my head after a while.

He's mentioned a few times I'm pretty and should have it up so I can see my face more. Which is fine. He's seen it up a few times when I'm tidying or whatever and he always says he loves it. He found the one photo of me on Facebook with it up and said that's his favourite picture of me.

He called me earlier on his break at work. I told him I was out walking and my hair was going frizzy as it's raining. He then brought it up again. Asked me why I wear it so long. I said because of lockdown it's not been cut for a year. Then he said you are so pretty you look so lovely with it up when it looks shorter.

Now I know he's complimenting me to an extent. But it feels abit like he's also insulting me.

I feel silly but he's making me feel insecure. Is he just doing a terrible Job at complimenting me?

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 13/01/2021 17:34

[quote Onesipmore]@MilkMoon I don't think OP mentioned he asked her why she wears it long. Fwiw I think he's trying to complement her, but perhaps not delivering it very well. If I was the OP I would probably just say why are you mentioning my hair all the time and then she will have an answer.[/quote]
The OP has stated three times that he’s asked why she wears it so long.

mistletoeandsigh · 13/01/2021 17:52

I was going to comment about controlling you etc... but then recalled that I preferred an ex with his hair cut very short. It just made his face really stand out as handsome, it's not something I ever asked another partner. He just kept cutting it short as he liked being attractive to me.

Another ex of mine used to tell me he preferred hair cut in a proper style. I had very very long hair and I just kept it how it was as I didn't want the bother of a proper "style" at the time. I guess people do this sometimes. If you love your hair how it is, just tell him to get used to it! He obviously finds you attractive anyway to have started dating you.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 13/01/2021 17:57

It may be simply that he finds shorter hair more attractive. Not all men like long hair, I'd love long thick hair myself. Just ask him out straight 'do you prefer shorter hair on women' or something like that. Then you can decide if it's a deal breaker and go from there. You are lucky to have such beautiful hair. I wouldn't change it for a man.

mistletoeandsigh · 13/01/2021 17:59

And now I'm thinking about my current partner telling me he normally goes for long hair and mine is the shortest of the women he's been with Grin It's shoulder length and choppy. Not fashionable at the mo, but I think my face looks better without so much long hair dragging it down (I'm 40). I definitely have had more male attention with my shorter hair, weirdly. Not that that's my main goal in life, before someone asks!

CSIblonde · 13/01/2021 18:02

If he keeps bringing it up, it goes from a compliment to nagging & controlling. His reaction to you firmly saying you want him to stop the comments as you prefer it down will tell you a lot. If he's fine with it , he just went a bit overboard , if he's off or sulks, there's your answer. You're not a dress up doll. And yes, some men want their girlfriend in no make up etc due to insecurity that other men will find you attractive. I've met so many women with abusive partners who dictated no make up , hair scraped back etc, no short skirts etc. Don't ask why either: that implies youre open to negotiating .

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/01/2021 18:03

@Melonslice444

Thanks for all the replies.

I appreciate the views and suggestions. I will definitely stick up for myself.
The thing is when he met me my hair was down. When we got involved it was down. So It can't be something he can't stand. But what's bugging me is today when he said why do you wear your hair that long. He then went on to say in pictures he's seen with it up shorter I look so pretty. (Sorry I'm repeating myself)

I think it's the fact he asked why rather than just said I like your hair up. It's not abnormal to have long hair. I find most women on my Facebook have hair down in profile photos too.

I think he was with his ex for 8 years and he's been single for 18 months. So he's not dated anyone else for a long time. So is he clueless? He's an older man if that could mean anything.

He's not shown any signs of control at all. He's always happy when I meet friends. He would do anything for me. He isn't constantly complimenting me but he does say nice things to me daily. He tells me he has alot of respect for me and often says I'm the right women to talk to him.

I hope I'm not missing any obvious signs. He is different to men I've dated in the past. He is more of a hands on grafter and works hard outside all day. So he's used to the more masculine environment. So his personality is different to the quiet office men I've dated before. But he is making me very happy. Just the hair comments.

Hoping this reply doesn't sound ridiculous. It's so hard explaining a personality on here.

Most men don't start out controlling, OP. We women would run a mile if they did! Not saying he is (although I do feel him commenting on how to wear your hair repeatedly is a red flag!) Just watch for more signs, IMO. And shoot him down each time he comments on your hair.
Comtesse · 13/01/2021 18:06

@Talk4000 well if OP is in the UK the hairdresser would have to be an illegal one! No one’s getting any kind of haircut (urgent or not) for months.....

Candyfloss99 · 13/01/2021 18:09

Surely if he was complimenting you he would be saying he likes it best the way you usually wear it or are wearing it when he compliments you, not a different way.

ravenmum · 13/01/2021 18:10

Just say is straight. "I don't like you commenting about my hair, it's making me feel insecure
To me, this makes it sound as if this is OP's problem - that her bf could make these comments if she wasn't such an insecure and fragile creature.

But anyone would be irritated by someone harping on about changes they should make, when they've already stated that is not their preference.

Lettertoyou · 13/01/2021 18:10

Well your hair is beautiful and I imagine it makes you stand out and that’s his problem.

Elianna · 13/01/2021 18:17

A bit unusual for him to constantly harp on about it! Ask him if he's ever thought of becoming a hairstylist.

ApocalypseBiscuits · 13/01/2021 18:23

@Onesipmore

My dd has lovely long hair, it looks pretty when its up or down.However she wears it up infrequently at the moment, so when she dos a bun or a high pony I always tell her how pretty it looks.It does. Theres nothing controlling in that at all. I have long hair too, when my twins were born I went short and dh loved it. He still refers to it and I still keep it longer.I have never thought that his comments on my hair make him some kind of controlling nutter.I think this has been blown out of all proportion
But you're a mum talking to your daughter. It's never (or almost never) going to be likely that there's anything remotely controlling behind your comments, and certainly nothing weird or fetishistic about it. The problem with men (and no, of course NOT ALL MEN, but it's ALWAYS men...) is that, as others have described on the thread, often these sorts of comments are the start of controlling behaviour when they happen in a romantic relationship. I experienced it when I was younger with a first BF who wanted me to grow my hair, why did I wear long skirts?, etc..... He turned out to abusive and that was the start of it.

But you're right, we don't know. It could be nothing - harmless comments. But OP has an odd feeling about it, so it's worth exploring I'd say. I'd also say that she's brought it up with him now, so if he still persists with the comments now then that is not a good sign.

HikeForward · 13/01/2021 18:32

I think long hair worn down can be a bit off-putting to someone not used to it. It looks like it obscures your face to some extent, eg if you’re leaning forward or walking beside someone it’s a sort of shield hiding your face! (Unless you tuck it behind your ears).

Maybe he loves your bone structure or jawline or cheekbones or something and thinks your hair hides it?

Sometimes long straight hair can sort of pull your face down if left to hang loose. Have you tried curling it with the straighteners to see if he notices?

Maybe it gets in the way kissing or he doesn’t like the feel of hair all over him?

Some people view long loose hair as untidy, un-styled or reserved for teens with a ‘bed head’ look. Eg in the workplace I imagine you’d have to wear it tied back or loosely pinned off your face for health and safety reasons?

I have long hair and dislike tight styles too, but I clip the front part back with bulldog grips or Kirby grips so it doesn’t get in my eyes or face! For work I put it in a high loose bun.

fairycakes1234 · 13/01/2021 19:03

Probaly been said before, but keep your hair down but now and again put it up if he likes it, obviously just when hes with you and take it down again when hes gone, dont think its that big of a deal, he obviously thinks your hiding ur pretty face behind the hair syle and maybe you are?

Bangable · 13/01/2021 19:12

Trumpet blowing here but it’s relevant, I have really nice long thick hair. My ex would go IN A MOOD if I refused to wear my hair up ALL THE TIME. He was v controlling and I only realised quite how bad he was after I left him (after eight years of that shit Hmm)

meowwoofwoof · 13/01/2021 19:21

@Melonslice444

No he can't control me. I don't like my hair up half the time. So I won't be doing it. But it just makes me feel my version of how I feel beautiful won't be his idea of beautiful. I feel my best when my hairs straight and smooth and I've got my makeup on. If I went out somewhere for a date etc I'd always want it down.
@Melonslice444

Sorry to say he's already controlling by making you doubt your self and whether you're beautiful to him.

This is how controlling behaviour starts. You may not change your hair but you're already changing your thought process

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/01/2021 19:23

keep your hair down but now and again put it up if he likes it, obviously just when hes with you and take it down again when hes gone, dont think its that big of a deal

Are you actually serious? Really?

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/01/2021 19:36

Abusers start slowly otherwise the women they control wouldn't let them. They always seem lovely at first.

I don't think what you've said sounds normal. It sounds like a test to see if you will change to please him.

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/01/2021 19:39

he obviously thinks your hiding ur pretty face behind the hair syle and maybe you are?

Ffs

3rdNamechange · 13/01/2021 19:40

@fairycakes1234

Probaly been said before, but keep your hair down but now and again put it up if he likes it, obviously just when hes with you and take it down again when hes gone, dont think its that big of a deal, he obviously thinks your hiding ur pretty face behind the hair syle and maybe you are?
Confuseddid you miss the bit where OP prefers to wear her hair down ??
TallFriendlyGinger · 13/01/2021 20:09

Bloody hell a lot of assumptions here! Never attribute to malice what can be easily explained by ignorance or stupidity. He probably just prefers how you look with your hair up, or likes short hair on women. I seriously doubt he's sat there thinking how to control you, and come up with making a few ill judged compliments. Most of these posters really need to chill out lol just send him a text or have a conversation and explain it's making you feel insecure, and can he knock it off.

Jumping to saying he's abusive or controlling because he likes your hair up? Madness!

2021optimist · 13/01/2021 20:10

He's not unreasonable to state that he likes it up and thinks you look nice with it up! Of course you don't have to wear it how he likes.

Onesipmore · 13/01/2021 20:15

I think @TallFriendlyGinger has put what I was trying to say, more eloquently than me.

Buddytheelf85 · 13/01/2021 20:17

It’s a relatively new relationship, and he’s a) brought it up several times; b) asked the OP why she wears it up; and c) offered to cut it off for her.

That’s just not the same as someone saying offhand to their partner ‘you look great with your hair up/down’. It’s weird.

Personally, my guess would be that it’s preference bordering on a fetish rather than an attempt to make you unattractive to other me - as I mentioned upthread I had a boyfriend years ago who had a thing for young women with pixie cuts (eg Emma Watson circa 12 years ago). He used to drone on about ‘exposed necks’. Very creepy.

Whatever the reason though, it’s plain weird to go on about it so much in a relatively new relationship.

MerryDecembermas · 13/01/2021 20:25

YABU to not immediately tell him to fuck off