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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

140 replies

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 20:32

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

OP posts:

Original poster

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 20:42

Anyway I guess my AIBU is should I just get the fuck over it and should not dwell on it any more or does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:

Dizzywizz · 12/01/2021 20:45

Wow @Dogscanteatonions that’s pretty terrible...I don’t know, therapy??

Original poster

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 20:47

@Dizzywizz

Wow *@Dogscanteatonions* that’s pretty terrible...I don’t know, therapy??

It seems such a silly trivial thing to have therapy for - it happened years ago and I think I'd feel so daft saying it to a therapist - hence saying it here I guess. It really changed my childhood though. It's like there was a 'before' and 'after'

OP posts:

Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 20:48

God, what an awful story. I couldn’t get over that either and I definitely wouldn’t let my parents forget it.

They sound abusive. You should bring it up and see what they have to say for themselves. Telling them now, as an adult, that they were wrong and the subsequent heartache it caused you should make them pause for thought, even if they won’t admit it in front of you.

They should be held accountable.

Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 20:49

Would you write them a letter so you can really think about what you want to say?

wibblewombat · 12/01/2021 20:51

That's abusive. Definitely think therapy is merited.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2021 20:51

I was interrogated after school every single day

This isn't trivial.

You've been conditioned to think things like this are. But they aren't.

You poor thing. Have some That's crap.

Songsofexperience · 12/01/2021 20:52

It ruined a significant part of your teen years. It's not trivial.

AnnaFiveTowns · 12/01/2021 20:53

This is awful. I think that this behaviour by your dad is probably the tip of the iceberg and it might be good to get some kind of counselling to explore your childhood; your parents sound emotionally abusive to do this to you. I'd struggle to forgive this to be honest.

Bookworming · 12/01/2021 20:53

That's awful, I'm sorry x

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2021 20:53

You know what I might do, only if you think it could help. Write down what you believe would have been the way to talk to a 14 yo about this. Go into detail. You'd talk to them, let them know they could talk to you. Believe them but leave the door open to talk later, letting them know you wouldn't be angry if there was extra information. You'd talk to them about consent, and contraception. You'd say, "if you do have sex I'm glad you at least know how condoms work".

You'd be a parent.

Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 20:54

This isn’t just about what their actions wither - the ramifications of what they did have (understandably) affected your whole life. They basically told you they didn’t trust you, that you were a liar and not to be believed.

Of course this, and the aftermath, would profoundly affect you.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2021 20:55

Your parents sound like monsters, and I would not let this go. I would confront them and say everything you need to say. After that, therapy would be a very good idea.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 12/01/2021 20:56

I don't believe that happened in a vacuum or as an isolated incident so yes, I do think this is therapy-worthy. It's not only about this, as horrible as it is.

whoamongstus · 12/01/2021 20:56

Jesus that's awful. Really, really awful.

I would have to say something to my parents, for my own peace of mind. Only you know if it'll achieve anything (and it sounds like it might not), but I would definitely get therapy too. It's not just a silly thing - your parents wore you down emotionally to the point where you were forced to lie, that's incredibly harmful to a young person's developing sense of the world.

Never mind the impact on your social life, your education, your sense of self and how you relate to sex... it might have started with something as innocuous as a condom, but it had a big effect. That deserves talking about with someone who can help you let it go and heal if you won't get the apology you so, so deserve from your parents.

I'd also add: if this is what your parents were like generally, I reckon you could probably benefit from therapy anyway.

Piffle11 · 12/01/2021 20:56

You are struggling to get past this because you haven’t confronted it with your parents. You know the truth: they don’t – they concocted their own truth. They didn’t believe their child ... I’m not surprised you are so upset still. There are things from my childhood that still upset/annoy me to this day: there were things that I was honest about, and my parents chose to disbelieve me. My parents always seemed to be more concerned about what other people thought of them than how I felt. I’ve tried to speak to my parents about it, but they really don’t want to know. You need to decide whether or not to confront them, but be aware that you may not get the outcome you want or need. I can imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg?

Original poster

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 20:57

If I felt it would make an iota of difference to raise it with my parents I'd consider speaking to them however they would certainly very much minimize it if they acknowledged it happened at all. I'm not sure raising it would help at all - probably make me even more irate!

OP posts:

2020iscancelled · 12/01/2021 20:58

This is not trivial.

This situation caused you a huge amount of pain at the time and massively changed the trajectory of your life significantly.

If you are unable to process the feelings then you should get some help with it.

No you don’t need to just get the fuck over it.
It sounds like you could really benefit from telling your truth, letting it all out, venting, ranting and talking it through. I suspect after even just a few sessions you will feel a sense of relief and vindication

CrappingMyself · 12/01/2021 20:58

I would say that it was pretty traumatic for you to have gone though, it appears to have been very abusive. The people who should have supported you, at the very least showed concern and care if they thought there was underage sex happening under their roof, in fact harassed you to the point it had a huge impact on your life. So much so that you had to move school.

I think therapy may help you address this, especially as you allude to possible other difficult things in your family that were effectively denied as well.

And no, no therapist worth their weight would think this was a trivial matter.

Lottapianos · 12/01/2021 20:59

'It seems such a silly trivial thing to have therapy for'

It doesn't sound like a one off incident though OP. You say there is a pattern of denial and rewriting history to suit their agenda. This is highly abusive and damaging behaviour

I'm shocked by your story and just horrified for you. Your parents bullied you into making up a story that suited their agenda. The consequences for you sound scary and awful. I'm not at all surprised that you still feel rage

I was in therapy for several years because of things my parents did and said which caused me enormous pain. Therapy was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Its hard work, and can be bloody painful, but I cant recommend it enough. There is nothing trivial about the story you shared and the impact it has had on you

Original poster

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:00

@MrsTerryPratchett

You'd be a parent.

A few years later when I was in uni my mum saw my diary with the rather rubbish code I'd written for days to take my pill. I tried talking to her and said things like you should be pleased I'm being careful and get whole response was "I didn't have sex till I was married so you shouldn't"

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 12/01/2021 21:02

You were interrogated - as a child – until you admitted to something you hadn’t even done, just to be left alone. That is absolutely unforgivable by parents. I know what you mean about the minimising things if you tried to discuss it with them: my parents called me fat at age 17 to the point that I ended up with an eating disorder. I tried to talk to them about it when I was about 40: they weren’t remotely interested. In fact, my mum said, ‘well you were fat’ (5’7 and size 12).

StrippedFridge · 12/01/2021 21:03

That is not trivial. Far from it.

If you think that is trivial I suspect you have been badly mistreated by them in many other ways too.

Therapy to come to explore your feelings it is a good idea.

peak2021 · 12/01/2021 21:04

I don't think it would be helpful to have any conversation with your parents. Therapy at some point may be worth consideration.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/01/2021 21:05

I wonder if you need to talk this over with an impartial professional before deciding if it's worth talking about with your parents. It was a huge injustice and it sounds like you are still processing it.

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