How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

[Dogscanteatonions]

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

Op l am so sorry you have been treated like ths by your parents. If you can and feel lup to it go on the relationship thread , 'we went to stately homes'. I hope you feel validated about this very soon

Have you posted about this before?, I’ve read this same story somewhere?

Therapy would help. This is a horrible experience which really impacted your life both at the time, and later. All the therapists I know or who have treated me have said there may not be much point / it may even harm you more, to confront your parents if they're the type to never admit they're wrong. Instead they might advise something like writing a letter to them that you then destroy.

A PP's idea about thinking how you would deal with this situation if it was one of your kids is also something a therapist might suggest.

It obviously still bothers you therefore it is not trivial. You will feel so much better once you have therapy and tell your parents the truth.

I was going to suggest that a trauma therapist might be the right way to go. From what you've said this wasn't a one off, and they don't need to physically abuse you to do a great deal of harm.

I don’t think you get over things but you can learn to live with them. Your parents sound similar to mine. They were deeply religious, highly critical, old fashioned, everything had to be done a certain way, nothing was ever good enough etc.

Anyway when I was 14 there was a popular book called Adrian Moles diary by Sue Townsend. A boy bought it for me for Christmas, I thought it was such a funny book and really liked the style in which it was written. I thought I could be the next Sue Townsend.. I started writing a ‘diary’ which was completely fictional, wrote about boys, sex, condoms etc. I fancied myself as a bit of an author! My Dad found it, read it and was ‘disgusted’ with me. I, like you protested my innocence but wasn’t believed.
My parents were so completely deranged with worry at how I was turning out they called a ‘prayer’ meeting with extended family and local church leaders. They were advised to ‘pray’ for me.

Needless to say my confidence in myself was destroyed, not just by this incident, but by being told frequently what a disappointment I was. I was such a quiet, well behaved child, I so desperately wanted my parents to say well done or that they were proud!

This was about 30 years ago. My mum has since died and my Dad soon after remarried and moved away.

I don’t think things like this can be resolved, however, you can focus on having a slightly more detached relationship maybe?

How would your parents react if you told them how you feel? Maybe you could write them a letter?

They sound awful OP, really abusive and controlling. I would keep them at an arms length and agree it would make you more angry and frustrated if you tried to discuss it with them. I suspect they’ll never see it from your point of view. Unfortunately people tend to get more stuck in their ways, conservative and self righteous as they get older. I’m sorry that this and other incidents had such an impact on you
I would absolutely go for therapy. Therapy in my early 30s helped to sort out a lot of shit from my childhood (involving some controlling and old fashioned parenting too) and I’m still working through some stuff now.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's shit when there is so little communication between parents and children, specially when it's parental over-reaction that 's at fault. I would confront my parents-though having said that, I told my mother about the sexual abuse that our (teenaged, male) babysitter committed on us, 50 years later, her response was "Are you blaming me?" End of discussion.

That’s awful behaviour by your parents and your boyfriend. It would have been so easy for them to check with the school that you had been given the condom in a sex education class. It seems really mean of your classmates to turn on you too as presumably some of them were in the sex education classes with you.

Fuck me op that's awful. And definitely not trivial. What a pair of cunts. I agree with trauma therapy.

How bloody horrible :(
You're right that they would minimise if you spoke to them about this and you'd come away feeling frustrated and worse. So I would write them a letter, similar to your OP here. Stating facts, how it made you feel, the ramifications and the impact it's had on you. They can't argue with a letter. I would then refuse to engage with them on the matter if they want to have their say afterwards, as your word is final.

If you think this is trivial you have probably been conditioned to think that this behaviour is normal. It is not trivial, it was controlling and is deeply disturbing.

I'm really sorry that happened, OP, what a terrible thing to go through as a child No wonder you don't feel over it. I wouldn't either.

I also suggest therapy, as you might be able to get some professional advice on some techniques and support if you do decide to raise it with your parents. Please write more down too - as others have said I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

I had something similar happen, parents didn't believe that I just wanted to see what one was like. When I said that they thought I was weird.

"I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things)" -

mine too, especially my mother who also used to conveniently 'forget' things. It is very annoying. However I would bring it up and make sure they knew what they had done.

It will always niggle, op, but only occasionally.

This would have happened to me under the guise of good catholic parents. Things like this did happen to me. My pretty clothes were shredded by mother because boys looked at me. My two piece costume was cut up for the same reason. When my mother found my pills hidden inside a teddy on top of the wardrobe, I had been given them for awful periods she marched down to gp and said she would get him sacked, he threw her out, I was 19.

It took me decades to get up the courage to go NC with them. My life is so much better now, her poison dripping into my sons ear was the last straw.

It feels very abusive from your parents, I’m so sorry this happened to you!
Definitely very unfair, and not trivial as you say quite clearly there was a ‘before’ and ‘after’ in your childhood because of this event.
I think you have the right to still be angry, and you deserve that they do not downplay this if you bring it up now. It my opinion, you need closure, you need to get it off your chest even though it happened years ago.

Hi op
I'm sorry it's still so hurtful for you.

This isnt exactly the same thing but my family sounds a little like yours, my sister tormented me growing up and told my parents all sorts of lies about me.
I was never believe and like you, I found myself in the position where I admitted to things I hadn't done because I was bullied for days on end to ''tell the truth''. It has greatly affected me.
Please dont minimize this as it has clearly affected your life.

Counselling really helped me with the anger and frustration of never being able to bring it up with my parents. If I tried to, I was told to ''stop making a scene and causing trouble ''
Please do write things down and speak to someone about it.

@OscarWildesCat

Have you posted about this before?, I’ve read this same story somewhere?

I posted as a comment on another thread yes a while back - the thoughts just won't go away hence this. I should deal with it really!!

I would leave it in the pass.

And use your horrible experience as an example of how not to parent.

After going through this you will be a fantastic mum as you will know how to deal with situations like this.

You can’t change the pass but for the future it’s made your stronger and a better human being x

@MoreLikeThis

That’s awful behaviour by your parents and your boyfriend. It would have been so easy for them to check with the school that you had been given the condom in a sex education class. It seems really mean of your classmates to turn on you too as presumably some of them were in the sex education classes with you.

Fuck me - I have literally never EVER even considered this!! Yes they absolutely could have spoken to the school! I mean school mates I get are very easily bitchy even if they knew the truth but my folks could easily have asked this. Except I don't think my mum could have beared to speak of such things to the school!

Past!! I blame spell check each time

@Coolieloach

I don’t think you get over things but you can learn to live with them. Your parents sound similar to mine. They were deeply religious, highly critical, old fashioned, everything had to be done a certain way, nothing was ever good enough etc.

Anyway when I was 14 there was a popular book called Adrian Moles diary by Sue Townsend. A boy bought it for me for Christmas, I thought it was such a funny book and really liked the style in which it was written. I thought I could be the next Sue Townsend.. I started writing a ‘diary’ which was completely fictional, wrote about boys, sex, condoms etc. I fancied myself as a bit of an author! My Dad found it, read it and was ‘disgusted’ with me. I, like you protested my innocence but wasn’t believed.
My parents were so completely deranged with worry at how I was turning out they called a ‘prayer’ meeting with extended family and local church leaders. They were advised to ‘pray’ for me.

Needless to say my confidence in myself was destroyed, not just by this incident, but by being told frequently what a disappointment I was. I was such a quiet, well behaved child, I so desperately wanted my parents to say well done or that they were proud!

This was about 30 years ago. My mum has since died and my Dad soon after remarried and moved away.

I don’t think things like this can be resolved, however, you can focus on having a slightly more detached relationship maybe?

How would your parents react if you told them how you feel? Maybe you could write them a letter?

I loved Adrian Mole! Sorry that happened to you

As everyone else has said, absolutely NOTHING trivial about it.

Horrifically abusive.

OP, just because we grow up doesn't mean the earlier trauma dissipates.
You remain at that age pain wise.
You can rail against it as an adult but the pain and injustice remains age connected.

I could well imagine that you do have PTS from it.

It was horrific and not isolated.

Someone very good would be helpful to give you your rightful space to rant about this.

Most people don't forget small injustices.....I certainly couldn't imagine anyone getting over such an enormously traumatic experience that had such a huge effect on you, your first love, school and friends.

Unbelievable.
Your parents sound truly awful.

You sound great though.

Have you tried reading any self help type books at all? My parents were dreadful at times and I've found it helps. There's a writer called Mark Manson I'd recommend. He has some articles on his website, most of which are free to read. He writes a fair bit about how to come to terms with things and move on. I don't wish to minimise your experience, but just a suggestion until you can organise therapy or whatever you choose to do.

@Sl33py

I would leave it in the pass.

And use your horrible experience as an example of how not to parent.

After going through this you will be a fantastic mum as you will know how to deal with situations like this.

You can’t change the pass but for the future it’s made your stronger and a better human being x

Thankfully I've raised my kids nearly to adulthood now and have never not believed them, never been shy to talk about anything (packed condoms for my eldest to go off to uni which he thought hilarious!) And never subjected them to the rows I heard growing up. I think I've done ok.