How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

[Dogscanteatonions]

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

Dreadful experiences. I’m sad that you and some other posters went through such abuse. I agree with MollyButton’s good advice.

Oh op that's awful. I jump to conclusion abit as a mum, your post has made me think the next time I suspect my boys have been doing something not to go in all guns blazing.

Your parents, op, sound like my mother was about sex. I remember when she went into my sister’s drawer while she wasn’t at home to borrow a scarf. No, she hadn’t asked my sister at all. She found her contraceptive pills. Oh my God, she went into a full on meltdown. Absolute hysterics. At the time, my sister was 19 years old and engaged. To the man she is still married to with two grown daughters. Your parents invaded your privacy, made wrong assumptions and ruined a relationship that was very important to you needlessly. That is not a small thing. My parents had no regard for our privacy either. My mother in particular was, is, fairly emotionally abusive. You know what would really have helped me move past it? An acknowledgement that it happened and an apology. That’s all. It won’t happen. Much like your scenario. I think you should get some councelling. I am and I am finding it very helpful. That your Mum carried on like that because her university aged daughter was having sex is just, in my humble opinion, batshit!

@Dogscanteatonions

If I felt it would make an iota of difference to raise it with my parents I'd consider speaking to them however they would certainly very much minimize it if they acknowledged it happened at all. I'm not sure raising it would help at all - probably make me even more irate!

But surely they knew it wasn't minor as they changed your school?

Just keep telling yourself, or convince yourself. that these thoughts are damaging your everyday life, and you need to banish them for good,as you did nothing wrong years ago, it was all the wrong and narrow minded people around you, who all caused your upsets. Just pity those who were nasty then, and be free again.

I am appalled at how abusive your parents are. I would not be able to get over this or trust or forgive my parents after this. This is an unforgivable betrayal.

I second others who've suggested therapy. I also think you owe it to yourself to talk to your parents about how much damage this caused. Might be better if you all talk to a therapist together to work through It. It shouldn't be on you to let this go. I'm sorry, OP.

I'd vote for therapy too.

My mum and I don't have a great relationship but I think until I had children i couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was seeing my mum's unrealistic and unreasonable behaviour towards my DD1 and then the favouritism towards DD2 that made it obvious to me.

The way I've found works for me to deal with this is I acknowledge i'm very hurt and angry but recognise speaking to mum won't help. She doesn't have the insight to see how her behaviour isn't ok. I had to spend some time grieving for a mother I never had and never will have. On the up side it has made me more determined to be the mother I wish I had. I also mother myself in the past...by which I mean sometimes when incidents in the past pop in my head I take the role of the mother. I can see mum was often unfair and childish and she often looked to make herself the victim so she could evidence to others how it wasn't her that was at fault it was me. It was helpful too to learn more about mum. She was often lonely, bullied at school and her mum wasn't very open with her emotions.

While I'm not confrontational I don't let mum get away with rewriting history and I make sure I look after myself and my children. That's how I manage...hmm maybe I should also get to therapy!

OP as others have said what happened to you wasn't ok and wasn't Trivial. Exploring this with a professional is absolutely worth it.

Hi OP, another survivor of a similar experience here. I too was dwelling in the past fifteen years or so and also the sense of burning injustice! Awful. I’d also have described my relationship with them as ‘better’ as an adult but honestly it wasn’t/isn’t. I just didn’t have to live with them or their intrusive ways and nonsensical thought processes. I think after school I suppressed a lot of feelings and got on with life but then I became a parent and a lot of it came flooding back particularly as my daughter hit certain ages where I’d endured some pretty awful treatment and I guess wondered why you’d ever treat a child like that. I decided to read a lot about narcissistic personality disorder which my mum has (but obviously would never admit to) , the relief in not feeling alone and it wasn’t my imagination helped. It took a lot to talk about it in real life after having my trust broken on numerous occasions but the person who I should’ve been able to trust the most. I was also concerned about not repeating the same behaviour as a parent having not had any role models to base parenting on (except to think...’what would my mother have done right now?’ and then do the opposite) I also read Phillippa Perry’s book ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ and that really gave me confidence that in fact, I am a good mother. It’s also a great place to turn to if you are a bit stuck. In short, through reading I did reach the conclusion no apologies would be forthcoming so there was no point in raising the issues (I had tried to previously in my early 20’s but was met with denials and protestations at how ungrateful I was having had such a joyous childhood 🙄) I too was a studious child but so very lonely after my mother interfered in everything- friendships, school, you name it. Everything was tainted until she thought I had nothing. I now have no relationship with my sibling who was favoured and who she pitted me against. What I’ve found helped was actually being successful in life - career, loving marriage, great relationship with children, long happy and supportive friendship groups has validated who I know I am. It also has the added benefit of irritating the fuck out of my mother and sibling. I know this is jealousy. She was probably always jealous. Who knows? I know this though, the treatment didn’t break me and I have very high standards of integrity and determination. You don’t have to be defined by your childhood or adolescence , but you do need to deal with it in your own way and allow yourself grieve for what you should’ve had. Sometimes we are just born to the wrong parents. I do wish you well and hope you get the peace you deserve.

@Laserbird16

I'd vote for therapy too.

My mum and I don't have a great relationship but I think until I had children i couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was seeing my mum's unrealistic and unreasonable behaviour towards my DD1 and then the favouritism towards DD2 that made it obvious to me.

The way I've found works for me to deal with this is I acknowledge i'm very hurt and angry but recognise speaking to mum won't help. She doesn't have the insight to see how her behaviour isn't ok. I had to spend some time grieving for a mother I never had and never will have. On the up side it has made me more determined to be the mother I wish I had. I also mother myself in the past...by which I mean sometimes when incidents in the past pop in my head I take the role of the mother. I can see mum was often unfair and childish and she often looked to make herself the victim so she could evidence to others how it wasn't her that was at fault it was me. It was helpful too to learn more about mum. She was often lonely, bullied at school and her mum wasn't very open with her emotions.

While I'm not confrontational I don't let mum get away with rewriting history and I make sure I look after myself and my children. That's how I manage...hmm maybe I should also get to therapy!

OP as others have said what happened to you wasn't ok and wasn't Trivial. Exploring this with a professional is absolutely worth it.

Yep. Also I tend to mother myself in my head too. for you and everyone sharing on this thread. You are not alone..

Another vote for therapy here. My parents had a view of me and how they wanted me to be. So when I wasn't within their view it was, an no word of a lie, catastrophic in their view. Almost to the point if being cut off, but only enough to cease emotion and keep up apperances. I have had a lot of therapy, but from that I kind of understand that the person who wants to believe something so badly to make it true in their mind will never change. So I accept my parents victoria beliefs as theirs. And know that I will never live up to their expectations, even now, at 42. But its taken a lot to get to this point. I think what I am trying to say is therapy, really helps. Talk with friends too. For too long I didn't own up to how difficult I found my parents and them me. Now I know it's just they cannot move out of "old" views. And I need to stop trying to make them as its futile.

I was accused of stealing something very significant from my mum and dad when I was a teenager, over a long period of time. If I'm honest it doesn't bother me now and I've never raised it before ... but I might do tomorrow.

I think therapy is a good idea. I definitely understand the parents denying/minimising events, as my dm does the same.

Seems pointless bringing it up with them at all when their response is "No, that didn't happen. I never said that"

This definitely warrants therapy. Please don't downplay the awfulness of this situation. Your parents are bastards.

I do not blame you for not getting over this... this was a horrendous thing to have been accused of...

Your Father bullied you .. accused you of stealing... accused you of lying... accused you of having under age sex... he humiliated you to neighbours.. your school friends your boyfriend .. you had to change schools ffs... your life was changed irrevocably because He and your Mother are TWATS ...

what horrible bastards doing this to a Child...

OP I literally could never forgive them... and would have closed the door in them a long time ago... Screw the Therapy ... cut off the poison 🌺

This is awful, not trivial and you should speak to a therapist. My in laws were similar. DH won’t speak to them about it as they’ll deny it and get angry at him. His sister is complicit but wasn’t physically abused herself. They were odd about sex but not for religious reasons too. It messed him up sadly.

It’s great you are open with your kids. Do your kids have a good relationship with their grandparents?

Your parents were truly awful to you. My childhood was difficult and I’ve posted extensively on here about it. I was also monitored and had no right to privacy. When my mother found out I’d had sex, she stopped speaking to me and told me she wouldn’t tell my father as he’d be so disappointed. He died shortly after. I have had a lot of therapy and it helped a great deal. I finally found a good therapist in my 40s (recommendation) and she helped me to finally stand up to my mother. I actually called my mother whilst I was with the therapist and she directed me - ie helped me to stay calm and on track. It changed the dynamic between us a lot. I am so angry for you.

To add, she didn’t stop also my brother exposing himself to me, being overtly sexual in front of me and calling me vile sexual names to denigrate and destroy me. There was more that she wasn’t aware of, which did it with his friends. But surely it doesn’t take much imagination that if your male child will do stuff in your presence, he will do more when you go out and leave him in the house alone with his younger female sibling....

@Mummyoflittledragon

To add, she didn’t stop also my brother exposing himself to me, being overtly sexual in front of me and calling me vile sexual names to denigrate and destroy me. There was more that she wasn’t aware of, which did it with his friends. But surely it doesn’t take much imagination that if your male child will do stuff in your presence, he will do more when you go out and leave him in the house alone with his younger female sibling....

I'm so very sorry that happened to you, I'm glad you found a therapist that helped

Thank you everyone who has commented, I've actually been up must of the night writing things down and it's been helpful although traumatic. I'm going to find a therapist - I don't really think talking to my parents will help at all to be honest - but I think I'm it need someone to hear everything.

Just to answer a couple of questions from PPs - my kids have a great relationship with their grandparents but they're both nearly grown up now anyway - their relationship was nothing like mine was with them

And no they didn't change schools for me - I did that totally off my own bat - I made an appointment to see the head of another school, explained my issues and then told my school I was leaving. I actually got into a lot of trouble for that at school but actually can't remember my parents reaction at all!

I was then 16 and in sixth form

Oh OP, this is such a sad thread.

How you have maintained contact with them and allowed them be grandparents to your children is extraordinarily generous of you.

I know I wouldn't have been in your shoes.

Your parents behaved really, really badly. They wrongly accused two people of breaking the law and caused you notoriety so bad that it disrupted your education. They didn't think of the consequences or help you out but acted like utter idiots. Imagine having to arrange changing schools on your pen at that age in the middle of sixth form.

Accepting how badly behaved they were is going to be cathartic in itself. I hope you confront them.

You have gotten such lovely support here OP and validation of your feelings that this was so very wrong and not at all trivial. People have been so generous in sharing their stories and how they have learned to deal with the ongoing legacy of these kinds of behaviours. As an Irish woman today, I can't help but think of how what many of you describe is reflected also in the report on Mother and Baby Homes released this week - misogyny, a fear of women's sexuality, double standards and as our Taoiseach said yesterday, a basic lack of kindness.