How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

[Dogscanteatonions]

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

My god I'm sorry but your parents were abusive. Are they very religious or right wing or something? No sex before marriage, what are we in Victorian times?
I can relate as had a troubled time at a similar age owing to a similar situation and can tell you that therapy, talking to friends and writing it down have helped me a lot.
You mustn't feel guilty about it anymore. You suffered enough.

Dogscanteatonions I am so sorry this happened. How awful for you.

I am going to mention something and if it is not helpful, please, please ignore it.

In his book, A Smile on the Face of God, Adrian Plass deals with the subject of a priest called Philip Ilott. Philip Ilott has a very difficult and abusive relationship with his mother. After she had died he wanted to somehow move beyond the memories of her behavior and in the book there is exploration of the healing of memories.

I do not think you need to be religious to explore this, but in the book they do look into this from a Christian standpoint.

I know your parents are still alive but if you raised this with them you may not get the closure you need. I think you need to express this grief and let it out, acknowledge what it did to you and then take stock of what you do have (your children etc).

If this is of no use, please do ignore me.

It's not about forgiving them as much as moving on and accepting what happened.

Not terrible at all.
Truly awful. You weren’t trusted or believed.
You suffered a huge injustice. You were heartbroken.
Therapy might help, if it’s affordable, but yes it’s still at the forefront of your mind - understand my so - and you would provably be better off dealing with it.
I’m really sorry.

Sorry about typos - not terrible refers to raising it or dwelling on it. I really feel for you.

I've just googled online therapy - it's a bloody minefield!!

See a therapist for a form of counselling (rather than CBT or another type of therapy). There are lots of types of counselling but in general they are better for issues to do with relationships and issues from the past which are unresolved. To me there are two issues here - first the trauma of the events and its after effects and the way it changed your life. And then the issue of being around people who treated you this way and then are likely to downplay or ignore your feelings if you tried to tell them how much they hurt you. That seems to open the door to continuing hurt. This is so far from trivial - it is a horrible traumatic experience. Good luck with it.

Ps - you might not be able to bring it up with them, but that doesnt stop you from talking to others about it. That is the main way we process what happens to us.

Hi, OP, I recall you posting about this before - it stayed with me because it just felt so distressing. I could imagine the feelings of a 14-year-old being bullied like that by adults until she said anything just to make it stop. To start with, your dad was searching under your bed, which is an invasion of privacy to begin with. Finding a condom should prompt a gentle conversation about sex and relationships, not an interrogation. The harm done to your fledgeling relationship with your boyfriend was significant. It was vastly inappropriate to go to your boyfriend’s house and confront him. A proportionate concern about underage sex is one thing; controlling and bullying behaviour is not proportionate. Their concern should have been your welfare. The fact they showed no trust is also very significant. Has anything happened recently to bring this into a sharper focus? Is your existing relationship with your parents reaching a particular point where you feel the unfinished business needs finishing?

On-line therapy can look confusing at first. Have a look at Counselling Directory and BACP and check out a few therapists’ profiles, then call a few and don’t be afraid to audition them! It’s important to feel safe and comfortable. Good luck!

If it is impacting you now then talking it through with a therapist who could help you reframe it and understand why it still bothers you would definitely be worth it. Otherwise you may find other injustices in the future in whatever form they may take, could become magnified. Would it be helpful to find a way to let go and break the power it still may have over you?

I've gone NC for this comment because I don't want this associated with my account, but I've been through something similar. My parents were strict, and the drama that followed me bunking off school and a later boyfriend still haunts me to this day.

I had to change school and I hated it and had no friends, so started bunking. Do you know what I did - I would go to the library and work on my coursework. Yes, seriously. My mum to this day refuses to believe that's what I did. To this day she is convinced I was at a boy's house...there was no boy in my life! I went to a girl's school and barely knew any boys. It still hurts when I think about it.

Re the boyfriend, I was 16 and had my first boyfriend. A family friend saw us and called my mum, and what followed was similar to you - constant interrogation day after day to get me to admit to having sex. At one point I pleaded with my mum to take me to a doctor and show that my hymen was still in tact. She never did because she didn't know where she could do that. Eventually it died down but for years, my mum would ask me again if I had sex with him, whilst I had my brother repeatedly calling me a whore and a slut whenever he could.

I have moved on with my life and I am happy, but even typing this is about to bring on a panic attack.

These things stay with you for yours. When your family betray you in this way, and refuse to believe you and then hurt you for years, it's hard to get over it. So yes, the simple answer is don't dwell on it, but that's easier said than done.

*for years.

I normally start to think of things that people have done to me in the past whilst I'm doing housework, I work myself into a frenzy and end up with a sparkling house but then I want to stomp my feet and scream

This is not trivial at all, its extremely abusive. I think I would really struggle to be able to forgive this.

I would agree that therapy may be the best short-term way forward. It may be that your parents would never accept how much their behaviour has traumatised you and you can't rely on them doing so.

That is not trivial or silly. It’s awful.

I think you should tell your parents this, even just read what you’ve written here out if you can’t simply have a conversation. You need to make them aware. Their response doesn’t actually matters, setting the record straight is important. Say your piece and don’t let them interrupt or turn it around.

Also therapy may help come to a place of acceptance about this.

My dad could be a difficult person - suffered badly with his mental health and at the time this happened was struggling with poorly controlled chronic pain. I would have been about the same age as you OP and he tried to pull this trick (without any evidence at all! Not even an unused condom) and accused me of being a slapper and sleeping around etc etc. I was so shocked and upset that I went mad at him. I didn’t go anywhere! I was painfully shy and I barely had any friends let alone anyone willing to sleep with me in the first place!

The difference here is after I said ok I kinda screamed and sobbed it at him he was as upset as I was and profusely apologised to me. I still don’t forget the incident but he was taken aback by my out of character response and believed me instantly. He wasn’t afraid to admit he was wrong.

I would seek some therapy here because I don’t think you will get that kind of closure from your parents.

I don't think you need to tell your parents. Because however much you try and tell them their response won't matter to you, it inevitably will because it's extremely hard confronting parents when you have a relationship with them as an adult you want to keep.

I do think therapy where you can unpick all this will be hugely worthwhile. I also know that it will be extremely painful. But very very worth it

I feel for you, OP.

Not as bad, but I was bullied by workmates in the past, 12 years ago now, someone spread a malicious rumour about me and everyone was calling me a ‘slut’ and similar nasty names.

The irony is, many of them were very hedonistic people that partied a lot, and were fairly promiscuous, so not ‘older’, ‘religious’ people by any means.

But, according to them because I am ‘quiet’, I’m not allowed to go out to parties/ clubs, have a drink, dance, flirt, dress up ( all the normal kind of things many people do when young).

@WeledaHelp

I've gone NC for this comment because I don't want this associated with my account, but I've been through something similar. My parents were strict, and the drama that followed me bunking off school and a later boyfriend still haunts me to this day.

I had to change school and I hated it and had no friends, so started bunking. Do you know what I did - I would go to the library and work on my coursework. Yes, seriously. My mum to this day refuses to believe that's what I did. To this day she is convinced I was at a boy's house...there was no boy in my life! I went to a girl's school and barely knew any boys. It still hurts when I think about it.

Re the boyfriend, I was 16 and had my first boyfriend. A family friend saw us and called my mum, and what followed was similar to you - constant interrogation day after day to get me to admit to having sex. At one point I pleaded with my mum to take me to a doctor and show that my hymen was still in tact. She never did because she didn't know where she could do that. Eventually it died down but for years, my mum would ask me again if I had sex with him, whilst I had my brother repeatedly calling me a whore and a slut whenever he could.

I have moved on with my life and I am happy, but even typing this is about to bring on a panic attack.

These things stay with you for yours. When your family betray you in this way, and refuse to believe you and then hurt you for years, it's hard to get over it. So yes, the simple answer is don't dwell on it, but that's easier said than done.

Bloody hell this is so like my experiences! I really feel for you. I also used to bunk off and my friend and I would hide upstairs in this old bookshop in the reference section! The owner never minded coz we were quiet and reading and very occasionally bought something! We had the best of times reading all manner of things squatting in the floor or on the step stool!

The ironic thing was my parents were probably imaging all sorts of things and we were in a bloody book shop!! Reading books and eating pear drops.

Admittedly in a few more years I was getting up to all sorts but definitely not when they thought I was!

@Dogscanteatonions Haha yes! The things I got up to in later years even makes me ashamed today...

I don't think we can ever truly get over the hurt caused by these situations, we just need to try and put it behind us. It's not a conversation I can have with my parents or brother today, partly because I don't have the mental energy, but I try not to think of it. I never had therapy over it and tbh I don't want to because I don't want to relive it, but if it is still affecting you today, then maybe therapy is the answer for you.

What a terrible experience. I feel a bit ill reading it. The thought of you coping with that at such a young age.

I'd definitely say therapy, either before or instead of talking to your parents about it. I wouldn't be surprised if pulling on that thread brings out more things and if there's one thing you need before deciding whether to talk to them, it's someone independent to listen to you and believe you. You need to have that experience.

Your parents failed you very deeply because of significant issues of their own. I wonder if they both individually wondered if they were doing the right thing, but perhaps for them, presenting a united front was so important that they never stopped to think who they were attacking or why. They ended up abusing you and have never taken on board what they did.

I've just attempted to write a 'forgiveness letter' to someone who hurt me (nothing like as bad!) and it hasn't been great, in fact, I had to stop writing it because I was so angry and felt quite ill I think you need a live human being to talk to. Could you ask around for recommendations? I went to an integrative therapist because their aim is to use any tool that works. Either integrative or person-centred might work for you.

This is awful OP. The reason you still feel so upset is because it hasn’t been resolved and as you say the sheer injustice of it all.

Ask yourself, if your parents died would you wish you’d questioned them about it when you had the chance? You may carry this with you forever if you don’t ever get to say how much this affected you and to hear what they have to say for themselves.

I suppose what we want to ask, now having been parents ourselves, is why?
If you managed to raise your kids believing them then why couldn’t they?

The interfering part gets me, so let’s say you did have sex with a condom, there’s no real risk of pregnancy, which would be the worse outcome. So why the need to inform the boyfriend? Why would they socially put you in that position? they humiliated abs embarrassed you at a very awkward teen stage when you have no proof otherwise, abs let’s face it, if your mother said these things why wouldn’t teens believe them?

Awful situation!

Please all of you who suffered in this way get some therapy. Start by getting advice via your GP.

AND for the first few sessions you don't have to talk about anything too personal (my parents were very strict is probably enough) - so you can suss out if the therapist is someone you feel comfortable with, non-judgemental and you can trust.

Personal recommendation can be good too. We got my DD's therapist by asking one who had no time to help for a recommendation - that is another very good route.

Your parents are not nice people and awful abusive parents. It sounds like this wasn’t an isolated incident.
Of course you are allowed therapy and you can go NC or LC with them and your life will improve. You owe them nothing.