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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

140 replies

Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 20:32

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:06

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I don't believe that happened in a vacuum or as an isolated incident so yes, I do think this is therapy-worthy. It's not only about this, as horrible as it is.
You're right. Not an isolated incident. One of the worst I guess though. I suspect if i started thinking of them all I'd be horrified
OP posts:
Catsneezies · 12/01/2021 21:06

I also agree that this is probably the tip of the iceberg. It can be hard to accept that your parents were abusive but this could be really important for your ongoing mental health and enjoyment of life. I think counselling would be helpful, you don't have to have loads of sessions but I expect more would come out as you really think about your childhood.

Counselling could help you move on by recognising the injustice of what happened to you but also recognising that we are all flawed as parents. You may come to a place where you can forgive them and that would be very freeing for you. Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behaviour in any way but I sense that the injustice and anger you (rightly) feel is doing you some damage, and counselling may help you release that.

My DF was and is abusive. Counselling helped me to have compassion for myself as a child and what I went through, but also compassion for him as a broken man who will never be happy. It really has been life-changing to face how awful his behaviour was but to also draw a line under it so that it no longer defines me.

Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 21:07

A few years later when I was in uni my mum saw my diary with

God, she looked in your diary too - when you were at uni fgs? This is not normal.

WitchesGlove · 12/01/2021 21:08

How long ago was it, OP?

Scaredykittycat · 12/01/2021 21:10

Therapy.

Robbybobtail · 12/01/2021 21:10

How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

You don’t imo. They have trained you to keep anything distasteful to yourself (except, perhaps, the ins and outs of your sex life). You should write to them. Make them face the reality of what they’ve done to you and how it has damaged you
Then never speak to them again.

Catsneezies · 12/01/2021 21:10

I'm not sure that you would gain anything from speaking to your parents about this, especially if they deny it as you suspect they would.

I have never confronted my father, he is a narcissist who I believe is incapable of ever admitting he has done something wrong. His ego is too fragile. I do now, however, have strong boundaries with him and will never let myself or my DC be put in the position I was in as a child.

2021vision · 12/01/2021 21:10

I can relate to this OP as in my parents are very like this. I have tried in the past to talk to them numerous times about things (no where near as serious as you outline in your OP) and they just say it didn't happen and shut the conversation down. I am the bad guy for wanting to talk about things so I have just stopped. I've had counselling but that wasn't the answer for me.

I have accepted that I will never be able to have the conversation with them. I have however called them out on things that have happened since I've been an adult, it's of no surprise that they can never admit they are wrong. My coping mechanism is to distance myself emotionally and concentrate on myself and my family. I am also determined to treat both my children fairly with the same set of expectations.

It's hard OP, I don't think there is an easy answer :-(

Catsneezies · 12/01/2021 21:12

Sadly, I believe people like this will not "face reality". They will be unable to accept that what they did was wrong and confronting them will not help OP as she won't get what she needs to move on.

2021vision · 12/01/2021 21:13

By the way I don't think my parents were abusive and my issues are not as serious as yours are. However i would add that I am in my 50's and my parents were older parents with I would say quite old fashioned views.

Stovetopespresso · 12/01/2021 21:14

sorry for this op. you can't change other people, or the past, just your reaction to it. sorry again if I sound like a fridge magnet. if you can't bring it up with them then therapy or cbt, eg what other reactions could you try and have when it arises for you now. agree writing about it might help.

OrangeSlices998 · 12/01/2021 21:14

I had therapy for anxiety a few years ago and thought I knew where it came from, and felt quite silly bringing up some teenage bullying from 15 years before. Actually as we worked through it and around it, that incident and memory was about much more than the isolated way I’d perceived them, and I processed a lot of things about my upbringing and home environment I’d never confronted before. It’s never as simple as it sounds, and I think it has had a profound affect on you. You’re “justified” in seeking therapy, it’d be a safe place to say everything you wish to!

I’m sorry you had that experience OP 💐

heidbuttsupper · 12/01/2021 21:15

I'm so sorry op, my parents were like this. It was awful. No advice but following Thanks

Emeraldshamrock · 12/01/2021 21:16

It wasn't a trivial experience they ruined your teenage years an age when a daughter needs support love trust and advice.
Those years can make or break you.
I'd want to discuss it with them but if the response will be shit and hurt you more you're better off speaking to a professional to help you put it behind you.

Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:16

@WitchesGlove

How long ago was it, OP?
Over 30 years now!
OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 12/01/2021 21:17

At the end of the day you know the truth, what they think is irrelevant and they showed themselves up.

Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:23

It does sound like therapy would be more constructive than speaking to them.. We Have a better and more healthy relationship now but this would ruin it.

I probably need to start writing down a few things.

OP posts:
WinstonmissesXmas · 12/01/2021 21:27

That sounds terrible! Flowers

Your parents also sound to have a very messed up attitude when it comes to sex.

Baileysoncereal · 12/01/2021 21:27

You need to go to therapy

Every night after school until you confessed?? That’s not normal parenting.
If they did that they did other things. And maybe you need therapy to recognise the other things and process.

Also if you telling them something really traumatised you (not accusing or starting an argument, just speaking openly) and explaining the experience for you, would see them minimise and show so sadness for how you may have felt - that’s not normal parenting either. Do you have children? How devastated would you be to think you had - accidentally even - done something that scarred them.

Sounds like your family had some hang ups around sex too that you may want to work through?

imalmosthere · 12/01/2021 21:29

Wow, this isn't trivial, or silly - This is real significant trauma. You poor thing. I would absolutely seek counselling, and hopefully one day be able to confront your parents over this. Absolutely terrible, I wouldn't have gotten over it either x

MustardMitt · 12/01/2021 21:31

@Dogscanteatonions I remember your post that you mention, it stuck in my mind.

Nothing about it is trivial, that was despicable behaviour by your parents. Are they religious by any chance?

I agree that therapy would be good for you Flowers

Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:33

@Baileysoncereal

You need to go to therapy

Every night after school until you confessed?? That’s not normal parenting.
If they did that they did other things. And maybe you need therapy to recognise the other things and process.

Also if you telling them something really traumatised you (not accusing or starting an argument, just speaking openly) and explaining the experience for you, would see them minimise and show so sadness for how you may have felt - that’s not normal parenting either. Do you have children? How devastated would you be to think you had - accidentally even - done something that scarred them.

Sounds like your family had some hang ups around sex too that you may want to work through?

I most definitely went the opposite way it has to be said!
OP posts:
Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 12/01/2021 21:35

[quote MustardMitt]@Dogscanteatonions I remember your post that you mention, it stuck in my mind.

Nothing about it is trivial, that was despicable behaviour by your parents. Are they religious by any chance?

I agree that therapy would be good for you Flowers[/quote]
No not particularly - that would make more sense though

OP posts:
MrsWindass · 12/01/2021 21:41

I would suggest that you need to do some CBT and this will help you to adopt a different way of thinking about this . It doesn't mean that it wasn't wrong . It will just give you a strategy to deal with it going forward . If someone had said this to me before I had CBT I would have thought it was a load of crap but it honestly helped me .

Sarahandduck18 · 12/01/2021 21:42

It was emotional abuse.

You may even have CPTSD regarding it.

I think you’d benefit from support/ therapy.

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