How do you get over things you can't bring up any more?

[Dogscanteatonions]

I've posted about this before under a different user name but only as a comment to a post. - this and a couple of other things have been bugging me lately because of the utter unfairness of it all.

When I was about 14 my dad found a condom out of its packet in my room
He insisted it was used as 'he knew what a used one looked like.' It wasn't used - we'd been given them in school in a sex education class and I literally just opened it so as to have a look and messed about with it because I'd never seen one before.

My parents point blank refused to believe this explanation despite my endless protestations, arguments went back and forth and back and forth for so long and they wore me down. I was interrogated after school every single day until I 'told the truth' (literally sat sobbing at the kitchen table in front of them for days this went on) that I ended up making a whole story up about sleeping with a French exchange student! I didn't dare say my boyfriend as they knew him and he came to our house lots.

They then didn't believe this so stormed off to my boyfriend's house to confront him and his parents. He of course denied it because we WEREN'T bloody having sex. He then dumped me because he thought I'd slept with someone else and nothing I said could convince him otherwise.

He was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him, we'd been together a year and young heartbreak is awful. I cried for what felt like weeks and was so upset at all the injustice. I was so in love with him.

My life in school completely changed, my name was mud and so many people hated me. The story went everywhere because my boyfriend's best friend told everyone. I ended up changing schools for sixth form as I could bear it no longer. This episode changed my life as it was and changed the way I felt about people.

To this day it galls me - it's the unfairness I think. I can't even raise it with my parents as I suspect they would deny it even happened (standard in my family for difficult things) or totally downplay it. I try to let it go but I still feel rage!;

Just a short message to say thank you for starting this thread as I find so much in here that I am dealing with / suffering from myself.
Looking back, it is easier for me to see how my parents were so insecure and (no offense intended) uneducated that they couldn´t change their behaviour. I was to first in my family to do further studies and to go to uni but their behaviour almost broke me. When I just got 18 my mum kicked me out of the house as they couldn´t deal with me anymore. Even though I hadn´t done anything wrong, I see that now. They never trusted me. Whenever I went out with friends they thought I was drinking/smoking/having sex, even though I was a completely naive insecure teenager. Every school party I had to leave early as otherwise my dad would drive to the school himself to get me out of the party. My room was regularly searched. My mum volunteered herself for all school activities so she was always there when we had outings or school camps. Books I brought back from the library were checked to see if they had any inappropriate content. Letters/cards from friends were all read before I got to see them.
The result, and I can see that now looking back also about 30 years later, is that I was completely insecure starting university and there I made all the wrong decisions. I craved love so ended up with all sorts of guys taking advantage of me. My parents did not support me financially so I had to work evenings and nights to support myself.
I still see my parents but I don´t love them any more. They never apologised and also keep up the fantasy of giving us a great childhood. I can see my mum is jealous of the bond I have with my daughters so she probably knows at some level that she made mistakes. I talk about everything with my kids and I hope I will never treat them the way I was treated. I tried therapy but I didn´t like telling a stranger face to face what was bothering me, so I´m glad I have you!

I so agree with Partridgeinpeartree that one of, if not THE foundation stones of good parenting is being able to talk about everything with your kids. I always say to mine - we can manage almost anything if we know what we're dealing with and that they should never be afraid to tell me anything, however bad. In an odd way, their father and I separating and having to go through that opened a kind of portal in terms of discussing fears, emotions, etc that has stood them in good stead in other areas of their lives too. They are very open with both their father and I - to the extent that sometimes I fear I hear almost too much! - and that has to be healthier.

Awful story. I can hardly believe they are still in your life. When you look for therapy please look at EMDR which can help you come to terms with individual traumatic events.

You're not alone, OP. I have a good relationship with my parents now but over the last few years and meeting my DH and his lovely, well adjusted family I have come to see how many things my parents did when I was younger that just weren't OK.

It sounds counter intuitive, but I found some peace in going further- once I'd identified one event, I kept going. I didn't stop until I'd unpacked it all. Allowed myself to be angry and upset about each thing even if it felt trivial. Felt angry drawing connections between things that happened and issues that haunt me today. After all that emotional pain was released I felt a kind of peace with it, like it was done, I had closure now. I did this alone but really that is what therapists are for. I don't feel the need to confront them because I feel like I've 'said' everything I need to say along my journey. Good luck - I really feel for you having your teenage years ruined in the same way mine were.

That's funking awful of your parents. I'd have gone NC with them long ago, though I'm sure, even if you'd spelt it out to them exactly why you were doing so they'd tell the world and his wife that they have no idea why.

My mum's similar re sex though v religious which partly excuses it. Still believes I'm a virgin at 40! 🤣

My father said something which he would be horrified to think that, 50 years later, has and still influences my life so much!

So I understand completely that you still dwell on this.

That's awful OP!

I will never forgive my parents for (age 13) buying me a pony, and instead of keeping it at the livery yard where I had lessons, I kept her at the farm next door to my house with no adult supervision or help. When I was struggling with fitting in looking after her properly (aka being back by 6pm for dinner, homework and bath after getting in from school at 5) they had had enough and without warning a trailer turned up as she'd been sold. This was the day we went on holiday.

Then age 16 I had a Bichon after pretty much all my childhood begging for a dog - come home from school one day and he too had been given away. I could still cry about it now. I'd had him 2 years by the time I was 16 and he had separation anxiety looking back, he drove my mum mental whilst I was at school.

Such awful stories here. I read the OP and thought this is like the miscarriage of justice cases where someone signed a false confession just to stop the interrogation/torture.

Your parents were dreadful, defensive, insecure, very limited in their thinking and understanding
Like they have an authoritarian mindset from a bygone age.

OP,
On the subject of whether to confront them I don't know what the right answer is but please prepare yourself that they probably will not be able to find it in themselves to acknowledge your pain and distress
Your pain and distress is real valid and completely understandable, they were very cruel and very stupid, you did not deserve to be treated like that

@Partidgeinpeartree

Just a short message to say thank you for starting this thread as I find so much in here that I am dealing with / suffering from myself. Looking back, it is easier for me to see how my parents were so insecure and (no offense intended) uneducated that they couldn´t change their behaviour. I was to first in my family to do further studies and to go to uni but their behaviour almost broke me. When I just got 18 my mum kicked me out of the house as they couldn´t deal with me anymore. Even though I hadn´t done anything wrong, I see that now. They never trusted me. Whenever I went out with friends they thought I was drinking/smoking/having sex, even though I was a completely naive insecure teenager. Every school party I had to leave early as otherwise my dad would drive to the school himself to get me out of the party. My room was regularly searched. My mum volunteered herself for all school activities so she was always there when we had outings or school camps. Books I brought back from the library were checked to see if they had any inappropriate content. Letters/cards from friends were all read before I got to see them. The result, and I can see that now looking back also about 30 years later, is that I was completely insecure starting university and there I made all the wrong decisions. I craved love so ended up with all sorts of guys taking advantage of me. My parents did not support me financially so I had to work evenings and nights to support myself. I still see my parents but I don´t love them any more. They never apologised and also keep up the fantasy of giving us a great childhood. I can see my mum is jealous of the bond I have with my daughters so she probably knows at some level that she made mistakes. I talk about everything with my kids and I hope I will never treat them the way I was treated. I tried therapy but I didn´t like telling a stranger face to face what was bothering me, so I´m glad I have you!

You were made the scapegoat. It's an awful, disgusting role, the psychological impact is huge. Your experiences so closely mirror mine, that I thought I might be reading a comment I had written myself! I am sorry - you're not alone in some of your specific experiences. I plan to have therapy. I think a record is better than none.

I don't think there's any point in saying anything to your parents. Are you still in touch with them. Poor you this is very traumatic. I think a good therapist could help a lot. FFS it reminds me of these 'fake confessions' you hear about people giving to the police. Deeply traumatic.

I really feel for you OP. My parents were cut from the same cloth and I have a similar story, also assumptions about me having sex, which massively affected my teenage years, my relationship with my parents, friends and my views on sex and intimacy. I absolutely see what happened to me as the one defining point of my life - there was my life to that point and then a different life afterwards. Although I do have a relationship with my parents, we are not close and I will never forgive them for the way they treated me.

I had had counselling to help me deal with what happened and I agree with PPs advising you to do this. It helped me enormously. It may not give you the magic bullet to deal with your parents but it should help you process your trauma.

My parents were similar. They are similar still. For me it meant that horrible abuse from other people remained hidden. I’ve had a lot of therapy but I’ve needed it for processing and dealing with my parents far more than the hideous numerous incidents of abuse I went through.
The way you are raised has such a huge impact. It’s helpful, if you are struggling at all, to unpack it somewhere safe and with support. I am at the stage of confrontation, not for them. It’s without hope and knowing they will not change, it’s for me to get it off my chest so I can move on. I’d not suggest talking to them without some therapy first.

Please get some therapy OP
That sounds horrendous.