To think women have a best before date

[Meowmeow202027]

To men that is?
Talking to dh about the fact im turning 30 this year and how since getting married and having 3 kids i feel unattractive and no one cares about my opinions or even looks my way. When men have kids etc there body doesn't change. Pretty much they are the same people as before unlike women.
Sorry for the rambling.

It's ridiculous idea to think you are old at 30.
I wasn't even married at that age and kids came later in my 30s.

I think you need to change your perspective OP. If you feel over the hill at 30, there really is little hope :)

I don’t think so.
I gained weight after losing kids, felt unattractive and boring until I kicked dh out, joined the gym and got my fitness back. I think it’s easy to slip into a routine where you don’t look after yourself, especially when you have young kids but it’s not the end of your good looks or fitness.
I do think it’s harder to maintain fitness and looks as you get older but it’s not impossible. I don’t intend to be past my sell by date for quite a while yet (I’m almost 39).

Having 3 kids will do anyone in OP. Sounds like you've lost yourself and sense of self worth. What do you do for you?

I feel so sad that you feel like this. I don't think it's remotely true. 30 is young!

Well, you're certainly right that men (even nice men who you'd think might know better) are drawn to and show an awed respect towards fertile women and that younger women (20s and 30s) can use this to their advantage in situations where attractiveness should be irrelevant, like work.

The lesson of that is to make sure you know what you're talking about, can assert yourself and command respect for the right reasons, not falling back on a lazy habit of relying on your attractiveness and low-level flirtation skills to persuade people to listen to you.

Have you seen middle-aged men though? Look at photos and they're one amorphous mass of thick-set baldness with greying edges. In person there's more variation, of course. They're not relying on attractiveness to make themselves heard!

OP it may be useful to your daughter - if you have one- to change this way of thinking.

Do you want her to grow up thinking that when she is 30 she is past her best?

Being sexually attractive to men is not the only reason women live- despite what they would have you believe.

I think there’s an age where you become unnoticed by men in general. But 30 isn’t it. I was still clubbing into my early 30s and dating men in their 20s. I would get quite a lot of attention. Nowadays... not a sausage.

i feel unattractive and no one cares about my opinions

You do sound a bit depressed and unappreciated by DH.

The kind of man who thinks and says that is exactly the kind of man you shouldn't waste your youth on.

I can’t remember the last time I stood waiting at a bar and someone tried to chat me up and in all honestly GOD I miss it

Not sure I have ever been chatted up in a bar - maybe a couple of flirty comments but given the men in question would be drunk, that isn't flattering. I think I'd find it quite off-putting if it happened now.

As for the OP, I am slimmer and fitter now in my 40s than I was at 30.

?!?! At age 29?! Best before what? It depends what you think the point of you was in the first place.

@5zeds

Nope. I think we are fed a ridiculous narrative that our “best years” are a just flowering new and shiny naive teen/twenty something and the reality is that those are nice years, just like toddlers are cute, but not a forever thing. I had a fairly exciting and fulfilling young adult life.....I enjoyed it but I prefer being older.

This.

I’m 30 this year too. I’ve never felt happier. I was so insecure in my teens/ early 20’s. I was thin and looks great but looking back I was so unhappy and had an eating disorder.

I think it helps that I honestly couldn’t care less whether men find me attractive, as long as my DH does that’s all I care about.

I know loads of attractive, educated and interesting women in their 50’s and onwards. I lost my best friend when she was 28!! We are lucky for every year we have, age is something to be celebrated.

I think a pp got it spot on this is a reflection on how you feel about yourself. Three (presumably) small kids will definitely have a way of making you feel tired, washed up, sloppy etc but you wait until they get older. You’ll have more time to carve out for you and feel more like the old you! I’m still a spring chick at 42 and feel amazing now my kids don’t need me so intensely. I have time to exercise, invest in me and I’ve never felt so confident. You’ll get there but it’s all in the mindset.

If you define yourself & your worth by how attractive you are to strange men, then perhaps it is true.

The idea of not being pestered by men anymore is hugely appealing.

This isn’t a normal way to think, it signals very low self esteem. Is there something up in your relationship?

I assume you know plenty of women who have had children and are over the age of thirty, who are attractive and listened to?

I think it's just your attitude OP. You've done a lot of living very young but haven't spent much time on you. eg you could just be graduating from your masters at 30 and entering a new career.

I also suspect its the people you hang around with. Who really cares if they appeal to a bunch of random men who prefer teenagers? I doubt the men look like Ryan Reynolds or have much pick of the bunch themselves!

It is all down to you and your lifestyle. There are lots of people who don't exercise, don't eat well, drink and smoke and it catches up - both men and women.

It's not difficult for most people to count calories and eat healthily if you plan ahead. Drinking is a choice as is smoking but aside from that a good haircut and wearing clothes which suit you can have a big impact on appearance. I accept children have an impact on time but as they get older you get some of your time back and a healthy lifestyle is in your own interest.

There is no sell by date for people.

30 is a bit young..! I’d say I stopped having attention or interactions around 37/38 perhaps, but having said that I’ve been at home with my Dd and am never anywhere to have any interactions.
I still felt ok looking at youngish up until around 40, now I’m 43 I definitely feel a bit frumpy and past it 😞but again, that could be running around after a toddler and not concentrating on my looks or clothes like I used to.

Erm, I didn't meet my husband until I was nearly 40. I guess I wasn't past my sell-by date.
A friend's mum got married in her eighties - she wasn't past her sell-by date.
I think it's more a matter of how someone feels about themself. You can't change your genes, so you need to learn to live with what you've got.

I looked my best in my thirties, probably peaked about 36.
It’s all downhill now mind you, mid forties. DH still seems to think I’m hot though, and I don’t really give two figs about anyone else.
I also have more confidence and less anxiety about my appearance now too. I also take more care of my health than I did when I was young.

I don’t think there’s a sell by date that applies to everyone.

@Sheleg

The idea of not being pestered by men anymore is hugely appealing.

Totally agree. I haven’t been to a bar for years but I can’t think of anything worse than being hit on by a sleazy, greasy random guy. I certainly wouldn’t be placing my self worth on it.

Hope you feel better soon OP, maybe it’s just a bit of fear around turning 30.

in my teens and twenties I had attention from many creepy (probably married) middle aged slimeballs and guys my own age and a bit older. Now at 50 it’s younger men (tedious but kind of flattering) and men older than me (yuck - sadly I do not find them remotely physically attractive as few are fit).

In my younger years I suffered with spotty skin now ludicrously my skin is great but I suffered in my best years and obsessed about it a lot. I have been celibate now for 6 years - I always end up with ‘needy’ or ‘arsehole’ so will grow old gracefully and happily single.

I think physically a lot of western females go to the wall in their mid thirties, asians seem to look after their bodies and drink less booze - I work with a 53 yr old Thai woman who outshines most 30 somethings - these woman look fantastic well into their sixties.

It’s all about diet, exercise and lifestyle - genes to an extent as well.

But let’s face it ladies - your physical peak runs from 18-30 😁

I’m mean yeah if you seek all your validation from crap men

Best for what?

Me pre-30 might have been more physically attractive to randoms, but for pretty much everything else, I'm better at it now.

My invisible thing started at mid 30s after I'd had my first child. It was like a switch had been flicked and was very disconcerting.
Now I'm glad it's like having a dickhead filter on me.
I still get a bit of attention occasionally but tends to be from older guys (older than me) who I wouldn't be interested in.
It's like you realise people weren't really interested that much in you or your opinions, but your currency was tied up in your looks. You don't realise this however until it's gone!

I've kind of rebuilt myself, my opinion of men as a whole has completely changed.

My own sense of worth doesn't come from what I look like but I've had to work on that, it didn't come overnight.

For many of us, all of this stuff is heavily embedded in society. We are a very ageist society as well as a sexist one. I think it's changing but very slowly.