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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think women have a best before date

338 replies

Meowmeow202027 · 12/01/2021 01:06

To men that is?
Talking to dh about the fact im turning 30 this year and how since getting married and having 3 kids i feel unattractive and no one cares about my opinions or even looks my way. When men have kids etc there body doesn't change. Pretty much they are the same people as before unlike women.
Sorry for the rambling.

OP posts:

FunkBus · 12/01/2021 07:15

@Esspee, I'm so glad to read your post, I'm almost 40 and feel better every year! More confident, look better, dress better, feel healthier and more alert.

I see it in a lot of women - they grow in confidence while men go the other way, I find.

Frenchdressing · 12/01/2021 07:21

Yes society tells women they have a shelf life. It’s misogynistic twaddle.

We all get old and don’t ook as hot as we did in our 20s. That includes men. That’s just life.

Ohalrightthen · 12/01/2021 07:22

OP this is nothing ti do with your age and everything to do with your own situation.

No one notices you or pays attention to your opinions? That's a problem in your marriage/family/friendships, or it's a problem with your opinions. It's not a function of being 30+.

MsTSwift · 12/01/2021 07:23

Anyone that thinks like this isn’t worth knowing and their opinions are meaningless to me and hopefully you op 😁

june2007 · 12/01/2021 07:30

Men def change, how many men get to their 30,s and fid the weight pile on , they can,t get away with eting the junk they used to? You get sexy at 50you can be sexy at 20. I think it,s more about atitude then looks.

SomewhatBored · 12/01/2021 07:32

Women are more likely to see past a man's appearance (no matter what his age) to his other good qualities - being a decent human being, sense of humour, reliability and stability. That translates to older men who have lost their looks still being attractive to younger women.

Not all men are like that, obviously - otherwise I (who never had any looks to begin with) wouldn't be married but many seem to have a very fixed idea about what is acceptable, in terms of looks, in a woman and as they age, fewer and fewer women fall into the acceptable category.

There's also the fact that if a man wants children, or more children, he can in theory go on fathering them all his life, whereas a woman's fertility declines eventually ceases.

So it isn't as clear cut as 'women have a best-before date' but it is generally true that the older a woman is, the smaller her pool of potential suitors - whereas for men, any reduction is much less significant.

peanutbutterbiscuits · 12/01/2021 07:33

I'd say having very young children ages women, because unless they have a partner who shares the childcare 50:50 (rare) they are usually sleep deprived, and unable to take time out for self care like exercise. I looked about 15 in my 20s (a 15 year old asked my DM how old I was as he asked me out, and wouldn't believe me when I said I was 10 years too old for him), and 20s in my 30s. I had kids in my 40s and instantly aged 20 years to look at least 10 years older than I am!

I'd say that's why a lot of women suddenly find themselves attractive to men again at about 40. Their kids are much older, so they are no longer sleep deprived etc

Just a theory...

ReallySpicyCurry · 12/01/2021 07:37

Well, if you want to appeal to the sort of man who exclusively wants their partners to be fresh faced and naive, then you're probably past it, yes.

But who wants a man like that?

I've found I get far more attention as I get older. Men who are actually nice and interesting feel like they can have a proper chat and a laugh with you, because they're not worried about coming across as a creep.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/01/2021 07:39

No, because we are not a pack of meat or a box of mince pies.

BilboBercow · 12/01/2021 07:39

I'm 40 and get plenty of male attention I can assure you. If you're past your best at 29 then do something about it.

ThornAmongstRoses · 12/01/2021 07:41

I’m with you OP.

I’m 37, have had two babies and although I’m quite happy with my face still, my clothes hide a multitude of sins Having my children definitely ruined my body.

I look back at photos of me before I had my children and I could weep!!!

BaggoMcoys · 12/01/2021 07:44

Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this but are you having problems with your relationship and/or are any of your dc very young?

I'm asking because I felt the same way as you a few years ago. I was a sahm, I was exhausted from having an under 2 who had barely slept since birth, and my partner was controlling, unsupportive and literally did not listen to a word I said. I felt as though my life was over and I had nothing to look forward to.

Now I'm finally separated from him and I've reconnected with the family and friends he didn't want me to see during our 10 year relationship. I've even spoken to some new people. It took me a while to accept that there are people who actually have an interest in my opinion and enjoy to spend time with me. My dc is older and easier to manage, still not a great sleeper but I can get my 8 hours most nights. I am 33 and I don't feel old and past it. I've began to take more care of appearance again now that I'm not so tired and downtrodden. I'm never going to be one of those really made-up, covered in make up with impressively manicured nails and eyebrows kind of women, but I do feel much more confident in myself and like I have a life and a future of possiblities ahead of me.

notdaddycool · 12/01/2021 07:45

I’ve seen some stunning women well into their 50’s. (And probably being). Me, I’m pleased I found my wife before i went rapidly bald... cuts both ways.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 12/01/2021 07:49

I think I was doing Ok until late forties. Almost 47 now and definitely feel like my attractive days are behind me. My hair is thinning, my teeth have grown crooked and just look tired all the time these days. It's a bit depressing tbh.

movingonup20 · 12/01/2021 07:51

Some men seem to think so (less age per se more looks related) but decent ones fo not! My dp told me I should be proud of my post pregnancy body changes and they are from an amazing thing, having a my kids!

HowOnerous · 12/01/2021 07:56

Men age too

Men arent that fussy in general

Some men prefer ingenues, hence catcalling teenagers, but it's good to be free of those ones

For the majority, beauty takes work as we age and imo its not a bad thing to want to take care of yourself and look nice, not necessarily to attract sexual partners but just to feel good!

Seasaltyhair · 12/01/2021 07:56

@abstractprojection

I don't think women have a sell by date but they can lose their spark, but you can get it back.

I agree with this. The dampener of the spark is usually kids, housework and husband.

sandgrown · 12/01/2021 07:59

I am much older than you . I would say my best asset has always been my eyes . Since having to wear a mask everywhere I have had more smiles and attention from men. Probably because they can’t see the rest of my face ! I think you can be attractive at any age . It’s not just physical looks but a zest for life. Whatever you do to stay fit snd healthy do it for yourself not anybody else.

butterpuffed · 12/01/2021 08:02

We all have bodily changes, facial changes, it's normal. How you view yourself depends on whether you're a positive or negative person and it's reflected in the way you act to others.

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 08:05

I think post-marriage and kids there is a certain kind of man who will suddenly stop finding your opinions relevant and basically lose interest in you as a person. I can only assume it is because they have lost the (always non-existent) chance to have sex with you. Those men are absolute twats though. Unfortunately they are still very common in the workplace and life generally, but I would never let them determine my best-before date or worth.
Incidentally should you ever become a single parent you will find all sorts of (usually married) men coming out of the woodwork to be "supportive". It will not feel like a compliment,

Nicolastuffedone · 12/01/2021 08:05

63, married for 30 years, I sincerely hope I’m not not near my ‘shelf life’ still kicking up my heels, well pre-covid anyway!! Take care of myself, dress well....take care of my skin, regular waxing, haircuts etc. Definitely life in this old dog.....

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 08:08

Also, men get heavy wrinkles, baldness, a bit of a belly, poor skin. In fact they often seem to age "worse" as they take less care of themselves than women on average. I am not hating on men by the way - as I get older I don't find the normal signs of aging in men (my age) offputting, whereas as a teenager I probably would. I think I am still attractive to men my age (not the creepy sort that go after teenagers). I wouldnt expect to be attractive to much younger men with my crows feet etc but I dont WANT to be attractive to them anyway. I dont know any women that do.

Bilgepumper · 12/01/2021 08:09

Ridiculous @Meowmeow202027

I think you need to work on your self esteem 🌺

TriflePudding · 12/01/2021 08:11

OP once you realise that women aren’t on this earth for their decorative value your self esteem will improve massively.

apalledandshocked · 12/01/2021 08:11

And of course, any man who seemed to care about your opinions before the marriage and kids, and now doesnt, never actually cared about your opinions anyway. He was pretending in the forlorn hope you would shag him.

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