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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

teacher commenting on my dd eyebrows

280 replies

Boxerdogmum · 11/01/2021 00:08

im a bit stuck. im bringing up dd 11 years old to make her own choices she is hitting puberty and has chosen to just be at one with her own body hair. armpit hair and so on and i'm so proud of her. much more self confidence than i ever had at her age. recently she told me that one of her female teachers stopped at her desk looked at her and said you might want to just lick your finger and sort out your eyebrow hair there. shes not exactly frida kahlo but it made her feel very self conscious. AIBU to hunt this teacher down and hold her to account?

OP posts:
Arobase · 11/01/2021 09:21

@Smallgoon

Does your daughter brush her hair or would this go against her feminist beliefs? If she doesn't, and was perhaps looking a little bit scruffy, I don't see the problem.
What would brushing her hair have to do with her eyebrows?
Arobase · 11/01/2021 09:23

@VinterKvinna, schools in the UK are not completely shut.

praepondero · 11/01/2021 09:24

How can your daughter have bags of self-confidence if a benign and clearly clumsily helpful comment made her feel 'really self-conscious'?
Is this one of those 'my son shall wear a pink dress to school at age 12 because we are such wonderfully open-minded parentials' thread?

[boak]

CharityDingle · 11/01/2021 09:24

@prawncocktailpringles

My English teacher once pointed out that I had missed the back when I dyed my hair. I was mortified and my friends 30 years later still talk about how mean they thought she was (bless them). To be honest I think singling out pupils about their appearance in front of a whole class is bullying. I have no kids and don't work in a school so don't have a solution but I do empathise with your daughter.
30 years later?

Let it go, let it go....

TatianaBis · 11/01/2021 09:26

‘Hunt her down‘, ‘feeling punchy’, says Boxerdogmum. You can see how this will go.

VinterKvinna · 11/01/2021 09:31

@Boxerdogmum

i will 'clam' down lol. yes i don't think it was malicious just stupid but i've personally never told someone ever to sort their eyebrows out or anything out to that matter let alone an adult to a child. i guess i don't need to hunt her down she has an email address im feeling punchy but i will hold her to account with the perspective of remaining professional and not commenting on my daughters appearance.
feeling punchy? really?
Xenia · 11/01/2021 09:32

The teachers should not be making personal comments like that unless it were something like your skirt is hooked into your knickers and everyone can see your bottom kind of comment - which is actually a helpful one.

Branleuse · 11/01/2021 09:33

i think you are overreacting. Its cool to be at one with your body hair, but that doesnt mean people wont notice if your eyebrow is going all dennis Healy and you will likely get the odd comment. Its better its a neutral comment from a teacher than a shitty teasing comment from a peer

randomer · 11/01/2021 09:34

Arrange a firing squad to visit the school and hunt that teacher down.

Wannabangbang · 11/01/2021 09:37

I don't think teachers should make personal comments about a child's appearance but i would let this go and explain to your daughter that the teacher was very rude

2021wedding · 11/01/2021 09:43

@user686833

God I'd be furious, so sexist, a boy would never have his eyebrows commented on. My dd is the same, after initially being self conscious she now chooses to just occasionally shave her legs but leave her armpits and eyebrows, and I'm really proud. It gives ammunition to other students too. Ironic what the teacher said really given the current microblading trend of eyebrows looking like they've been combed upwards with hair gel.
I've only ever witnessed boys being told similar in the classroom.
everybodysang · 11/01/2021 09:44

@starfishmummy

Would the teacher have made the same comment to a male pupil? I highly doubt it.

Yes, they get similar comments about beards and facial hair if it gets out of hand. No one has the vapours about it. (I'm not a teacher, parent to boy)

this is the problem right here - do you know what 'the vapours' is? Why not look it up? Women have been, and still are, written off as 'hysterical' for wanting bodily autonomy.

Complain quietly to the teacher. It won't make her leave the profession. Don't be mean - she almost definitely wasn't trying to be but pointing out that it's hurt your daughter is no bad thing.

And those eejits wanging on about ''looking weird" and "keeping neat" can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

KatherineJaneway · 11/01/2021 09:44

@Brown76

If your daughter is happy with her choice, which, in fact, goes against the prevailing norm, she needs to be able to cope with mild comments such as this.
This ^^
Syal · 11/01/2021 09:46

Hi, hope your dd is okay and can completely understand your protective mama bear instincts coming to play.

As sad as it is to say, your daughter is probably going to face far worse comments in future from peers and other adults etc especially if she’s choosing not to shave armpits etc (completely fine) so I wonder if this might be more of a teach your daughter assertive responses she can use in the moment as you won’t be able to speak on her behalf every time.

I think you could send the teacher an informal email if you really have to, not a complaint more of a just unto let you know did was a bit upset by your comment etc. I think anything more risks you being seen as “that parent” amongst the teachers especially as teachers have so much on at the moment. In the long run it’s your dd that would be impacted by that reputation.

Hope you come up with a solution that works

Haggertyjane · 11/01/2021 09:47

Yes, email the school. There is no excuse for body shaming an 11 year old.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 11/01/2021 09:49

Sounds like the teacher was trying to be kind. I would also want to be told sooner rather than later.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 11/01/2021 09:53

No idea of what you should do and this probably isn’t helpful but I wish a teacher had said that to me. It wasn’t until university that someone told me I should brush my eye brows, it never occurred to me that was a thing.

Nonamesavail · 11/01/2021 09:55

Shouldn't be commenting on anyones looks at all.

Carolofthebellies · 11/01/2021 10:03

Hunt her down and lick her eye brows

thecatsthecats · 11/01/2021 10:03

@Shaniac

So shes confident enough to go against the norm with her body hair but she lacks confidence for someone saying smooth down your rogue brow?

Also has no one ever had a rogue eyebrow where some hairs stick up and need to be brushed back into place, seriously? My eyebrows were always commented on at school. shrugs maybe i am frida kahlos twin.

Blimey, don't you remember being a teenager?

Confidence isn't finite, it fluctuates. All these comments saying she might appreciate the advice miss the point that right then she didn't appreciate it. It made her feel worse.

Hunting down is OTT - all that is needed is a light email saying please consider that comments like that could knock a pupil on the wrong day.

(and I do consider that helpful to the teacher because I know that teacher trust is important, and kids will very much side with their friends - my friends still haven't forgiven the head of sixth form who picked on me for wearing "revealing" clothes - no more revealing than anyone else's, I was just curvy)

Carolofthebellies · 11/01/2021 10:04

The teacher is stupid. Just send an email to school.

Sethy38 · 11/01/2021 10:07

Utterly irrelevant that your daughter has **chosen to just be at one with her own body hair. armpit hair and so on and i'm so proud of her

A teacher made a personal comment about your daughters appearance. Inappropriate and I contact school to convey this

diamondpony80 · 11/01/2021 10:08

I had a teacher make a comment about my nose when I was in school (probably age 15 or thereabouts). It was during self portraits in art class, and wasn't meant to be derogatory at all, but the comment made me think that my nose wasn't like everyone elses. Before that, I'd never had a problem with it.

For about 20 years afterwards, I considered getting a nose job because I thought there was something wrong with it. I never did, and I'm 40 now so I'm over it and care less about what people think than I used to. I don't hold the comment against my teacher though - the self consciousness I had about my nose was my own problem (what she said about it was actually correct and I'd probably have noticed it eventually anyway!).

I don't think a teacher should comment on any aspect of a child's looks, but I also don't think it was said maliciously so there's nothing you can do about it. It's not something I'd hunt the teacher down over. Teacher's have enough problems without having every little thing they say analyzed, particularly when it sounds like she meant well.

Sethy38 · 11/01/2021 10:08

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

No idea of what you should do and this probably isn’t helpful but I wish a teacher had said that to me. It wasn’t until university that someone told me I should brush my eye brows, it never occurred to me that was a thing.
Surely you wish your mother or a close friend would have told you rather than a teacher?
Mountainpika · 11/01/2021 10:09

Blimey. Are eyebrows supposed to be styled in a certain fashion? Who says so? People need to be themselves and not slavishly follow self-appointed 'fashion gurus'. I've never done anything with my eyebrows in all my life. As to the teacher commenting, no, none of her business.