teacher commenting on my dd eyebrows

[Boxerdogmum]

im a bit stuck. im bringing up dd 11 years old to make her own choices she is hitting puberty and has chosen to just be at one with her own body hair. armpit hair and so on and i'm so proud of her. much more self confidence than i ever had at her age. recently she told me that one of her female teachers stopped at her desk looked at her and said you might want to just lick your finger and sort out your eyebrow hair there. shes not exactly frida kahlo but it made her feel very self conscious. AIBU to hunt this teacher down and hold her to account?

Is it possible your daughter exaggerated?

YANBU. The teacher had no business commenting on her appearance as long as it doesn’t contravene school policy, and the teacher should know better than to reinforce sexist societal stereotypes.

Drop the teacher an email and say you’re not happy with them making personal remarks about your DD’s appearance. If you don’t get a satisfactory reply I’d inform the teacher’s manager.

School should be promoting a healthy approach to body hair. At d see one point there will be a backlash again all this weird hairlessness. In the 1980s of a person shaved all their pubes off we would have suspected them of being into seriously dodgy stuff. Now everyone shaves like porn star. There has to be middle ground

My DD had the opposite last year, a comment that she should hope she gets an eyebrow kit for Christmas as her eyebrows are so fine they are barely visible.

I simply told DD it was not a kind thing to say.

In some cultures body hair on women is desirable; no teacher at my son's school would have commented on a female student's eye brows because of the mix of backgrounds of the students, and because it's an odd thing to do.

I'd focus on giving your daughter an arsenal of replies (why are you commenting on my eye brows? etc.) rather than raise it with the teacher. Presume it's a one-off comment but she'd then be prepared for other comments as she gets older and can give suitable retorts.

Bollocks (hairy ones)

Nope. Don't believe a word of it.

Forget the body shaming. Telling someone to lick their finger, in the middle of a pandemic?

I think the teacher was probably being helpful, though there's a slight concern that the school has conflated 'grooming' with uniform and the rules are straying into territory associated with neatness and cleanliness and calling it a dimension of presentation expected at school.

Rules on uniform, nail varnish etc, should always be objective and never have the capacity to be censoring or penalising someone for the individual nature-given appearance.

There are always threads on MN where a poster has taken issue with a personal comment or lack of it. A poster was upset that people praise her sister's blue eyes but not her own brown ones; comments about a poster's size by their partner often cause hurt. We have to accept that any personal 'criticism' has the power to hurt - for adults as well as children.

Re appropriateness of personal comment, I would define professionalism as sticking to the job role. Part of that is not to get personal. If in a queue in TKMaxx with a three-year-old tugging and touching I would expect the cashier to say 'I will see if we can open another till for you'. I wouldn't expect them to say : " You know what, you shouldn't come shopping with your child'. If I was dropping carrots on the floor of the greengrocer as I packed my basket, I would expect the owner to say:" Shall I help you? Putting the boxes at the bottom makes it easier". Not to say, "Gosh, you're cack-handed'.

I think being distant and non-personal sets a useful model for children of how to behave to others in the workplace. For a teacher, and this one is probably very kind and trying to help, being personal in their comments is a recipe for disaster, as a retired teacher posting has said. It's best to act as if you don't notice the personal appearance of children. If you later need to comment on some unacceptable aspect of their behaviour, it will be clearer to everybody that you are not biased; you are not against this child personally, and you are thinking of how the behaviour affects the running of the lesson and not about their individual characteristics and personality.

I'm sure the teacher meant well, but best to forebear making any personal comments, in future.

And people wonder why there is a teacher shortage. She made an ill-advised comment. Have you never done the same? As an aside, I assume that you have very little else to fill your time with since you have over-analysed her comment. Perhaps a book, a hobby or a job might be a more productive use of your time.

11 year olds being "at one with their body hair" sounds really dramatic tbh. I can't say body hair was much of a thought at 11, let alone an issue to be at one with.

And people wonder why there is a teacher shortage

Quite

When I was at school Age 13/14 (50 odd years ago) there was a girl in my class with long hair in plaits, plastic national health glasses, braces, and spots. She walked into class one day and the teacher said to her “Christ “name” - you only need a hearing aid and you’ll have the full set”. She laughed it off, didn’t tell her mum, and went on to grow into a stunner.

I wished teachers would tell the kids not to eat the snot or not to scratch their bottoms. That's much more important than a little girl's eyebrows.

Was her eyebrow just twisted oddly and the teacher thought she'd rather point it back where it normally goes?

@Deadringer

And people wonder why there is a teacher shortage

Quite

Seconded.

AIBU to hunt this teacher down and hold her to account?

Type, the postcode of your daughter's school into Google maps. Hunt overm

I strongly suggest you go there and go all John Rambo on her arse
.

Or you could have just said, 'yeah Ms X was a bit of a prat about that' to your daughterand then both got on with your lives.

If this was in a work environment
And a manager had said this to a junior position mumsnetter
The consensus would be

Go to HR
Your manager is a thoughtless twat

It depends how bad they were. If other kids were laughing about them, or teacher thought they might, then it might have been intended as a kindness. I've had to find sensitive ways to tell kids that they need to use deodorant before now. Maybe those kids were allergic to deodorant, or were happy to smell or whatever, but i told them out of kindness. The only time I've ever suggested a child lick their finger and smooth an eyebrow was when they had snot in it though.

My students have told me my hair is sticking up, my label is poking out etc on several occasions over the years. I’ve never taken it personally, or as a criticism of my style or personal grooming choices. Just that they were trying to help

This!

I work in a hospital, patients have, on numerous occasions, told me my hair is escaping my bun, my collar’s sticking up, my tights have a ladder in them, my shoe lace is untied, my make up is smudged etc. I’ve always assumed they’re being helpful not critical (also they’re in bed bored and notice little things). The most embarrassing time was walking into a 6-bedded bay of elderly men, walking the length of the bay and one called out ‘excuse me love, your dress is on back to front!’ (And it was, I’d got dressed in a hurry in a dark room with no mirror!) To the men’s credit none of them laughed. He didn’t mean to humiliate me, and I’m grateful he told me before my manager noticed!

In Japan they’re very strict about BOYS eyebrows in some areas! I taught English in a Japanese school (over a decade ago mind) and was told it was a fashion for boys to pluck their eyebrows and strictly against school rules. So along with pulling teens up for things like curling their hair (they had to have an official letter if it was naturally curly!) I had to do a daily eyebrow inspection. And every day had to remind a few boys they were breaking school rules (never the girls though, they didn’t seem to be bothered about their eyebrows). Had to inspect hands and nails for cleanliness too!

As an adult, have you ever said anything that someone else could have taken in the wrong way? Ever been stressed and just said something without thinking? Of course you have, we all have.

You were not there, you do not know how it was said or meant and our own experiences should make us reasonable not reactionary.

As an adult, have you ever said anything that someone else could have taken in the wrong way? Ever been stressed and just said something without thinking? Of course you have, we all have.

To a child about their appearance.....no.

The teacher was in the wrong here and a quiet word about not commenting on your daughters appearance is in order.

However, it might be a good teaching point for you and your daughter. She has bags of confidence and is choosing to keep her body hair? Good for her!!
But, she will come across people all through her life who think they are entitled to tell her differently, so this might be a good time to start talking to her about how to respond to this type of person and how to react to it internally.

I have never told a child anything like that. I can’t imagine how it was “helpful” it sounds very unusual behaviour. Honestly I’m slightly shocked that so many people think this eyebrow policing is normal or desirable.. Very odd.