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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

teacher commenting on my dd eyebrows

280 replies

Boxerdogmum · 11/01/2021 00:08

im a bit stuck. im bringing up dd 11 years old to make her own choices she is hitting puberty and has chosen to just be at one with her own body hair. armpit hair and so on and i'm so proud of her. much more self confidence than i ever had at her age. recently she told me that one of her female teachers stopped at her desk looked at her and said you might want to just lick your finger and sort out your eyebrow hair there. shes not exactly frida kahlo but it made her feel very self conscious. AIBU to hunt this teacher down and hold her to account?

OP posts:
Littlepond · 11/01/2021 07:34

Just use it as an opportunity to discuss how different people prioritise different things about themselves - how the teacher mistakenly thought eyebrows were important to DD, and move on.

GalesThisMorning · 11/01/2021 07:40

@Xerochrysum maybe because it is hard for an 11 year old to be confident enough to dismiss an entire industry/ society/ system that tells her her ungroomed state is embarrassing and likely to leave her open to bullying and abuse by her peers? And maybe she is trying to find her own way through a society that finds young women's appearance fair claim to comment on, and at 11 just isn't able to shrug it off when it comes from a position of authority like a teacher???

Why do we ask our young girls to either conform or be unaffected by comments on unconventional appearance? Why not ask society to stop fucking commenting on what women and girls look like?

okaasan · 11/01/2021 07:40

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I really wouldn’t contact the school about this. She suggested your daughter tidy herself up. She didn’t say she should pluck or dye her eyebrows.
Tidy herself up? It's her FACE
Diverseopinions · 11/01/2021 07:43

I'm wondering if this is an extension of uniform policy - and concerned with smart grooming and rules on hairstyles which are or are not acceptable in this particular school. The words the teacher used sound to me like a way of saying 'You ought to groom your eyebrows' , only using a more polite phrasing.

If it is natural for the hair in this child's eyebrows to stick out, why should she change it? The age of eleven is, in any case, very young to be expected to present oneself in a poised and artificial way, as she might do if she were a seventeen- year-old with a Saturday job working on a make-up counter in a shop.

Does the teacher think the child has made her eyebrows more conspicuous than usual, in other words, she is critiquing what she thinks is a vanity choice, not what occurs naturally when the hair does what it wants to do?

Surely to question or imply criticism of a natural feature is completely wrong, within this context. If your hair or eyebrows naturally grow a certain way, then so be it.

But, it wouldn't be a good time, anytime to make a teacher feel bad about a comment which, in all likelihood, was meant constructively. At the moment, especially, teachers have enough to deal with.

I would probably look at the school rules and what is said about dress, hair, grooming and makeup to see if the comment could in any way be related to this.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/01/2021 07:47

she has an email address im feeling punchy

WTF does that mean? seems like an overreaction anyway, but if you do want to take it forward, a formal complaint to the school, not harass the individual teacher. I think they have enough to deal with right now.
As a PP has asked, when did this happen?
If last year, move on and forget it.

okaasan · 11/01/2021 07:47

Wow. Until I read this thread I had no idea that anyone considered "sticking up eyebrow hair" a problem. This is a good illustration of exactly why we shouldn't be teaching our daughters that eyebrow hair should be perfectly in line at all times or there is something wrong with you. Makes you self-conscious about your body and judgemental of other people. I get my eyebrows waxed a couple times a year but tbh I don't really care what they look like (as long as it's "eyebrows"), and if someone commented on them I'd think they were a) weird b) rude

DecemberSun · 11/01/2021 07:51

Hunt her down?

Like teachers aren't stressed enough?

wildraisins · 11/01/2021 07:53

The teacher would never have said anything along these lines to a boy

Exactly.

I do not think that OP or their daughter is over-reacting, because we all know that the above is true. The teacher, whether consciously or not, is projecting their own societal standards onto this child.

That's not OK and we should not stop noticing or calling out these things just because of the pandemic.

wildraisins · 11/01/2021 07:56

@Xerochrysum

If she is self confident and making her own choice, I don't understand why she feels so self conscious after a teacher's comment. If she wants to have wild eyebrows and happy with it. It maybe pointed out by her friends too, which I think is worse than teacher saying something to her in person, I assuming not in front of the whole classroom.
I really don't think it's about her feeling self-conscious.

She sounds like quite a confident child who is comfortable in her own skin.

That doesn't mean she can't be annoyed at having an aspect of her physical appearance pulled up by an adult who should be in a responsible position.

It's about much more than eyebrows! I think she is making a point with this, that it's not OK to expect girls to have perfectly groomed body hair. And her teacher is then telling her that she should have perfectly groomed body hair.

You are missing the point with your comment as it is about this principle, not confidence.

SmileyClare · 11/01/2021 08:06

She has chosen to be at one with her own body hair

What an odd dramatic statement. She's 11 years old, she isn't "at one with body hair," she's just being a normal child. No children at that age are shaving, plucking and waxing are they? At primary school?

I'm not sure the early onset of puberty would affect eyebrow growth. Presumably she's always had eyebrows.

Email a short complaint. It's that easy. And stop relishing in the drama, it's important to model a mature approach to dd.

cansu · 11/01/2021 08:11

The time to make a comment about this to the school is when it happened. Given that kids are out of school after a holiday; this must have happened some time ago. I am not sure even whether it happened in the last few months even! No one at school will currently give a crap about this now. There are far more pressing problems.

Labobo · 11/01/2021 08:12

Honestly. I think you should set an example to your DD that she should let things like this just breeze over her. We don;t get through life without being offended by rude, thoughtless or even well-intentioned but misplaced remarks from others. The skill she needs is in how to deal with it. Don't encourage her to ramp up every tiny incident. It won't help her be liked, long term. People who take criticism in their stride come across as really self-confident, happy and strong. Teach her to be like that.

wildraisins · 11/01/2021 08:14

@SmileyClare

She has chosen to be at one with her own body hair

What an odd dramatic statement. She's 11 years old, she isn't "at one with body hair," she's just being a normal child. No children at that age are shaving, plucking and waxing are they? At primary school?

I'm not sure the early onset of puberty would affect eyebrow growth. Presumably she's always had eyebrows.

Email a short complaint. It's that easy. And stop relishing in the drama, it's important to model a mature approach to dd.

At 11 children are soaking up the messages they are hearing all around them in the media, from celebrities and from the adults and older siblings in their lives.

You may be surprised how many children at 11 are shaving their legs, armpits etc. They are more grown up than you'd think and this has been the case for 20+ years even back when I was in the top end of primary school.

If you think kids aren't thinking about these things at 11 then you are a bit out of touch.

cansu · 11/01/2021 08:14

Should also say that I would not have made such a comment and IF it is as your dd says, she shouldn't have said it but all you can hope to get in response is either:
I am afraid I don't remember that comment but if I caused any offense I am very sorry. or
I am very sorry if I upset your dd.
If it was months ago I would also be wondering why.

MistyMinge2 · 11/01/2021 08:14

Life's a lot easier when you pick your battles. This does not need to be one of them. Let it go.

(glad I'm not a teacher)

rockingllama · 11/01/2021 08:14

The Teacher should know better than to tell anyone to "lick their finger" just know ! I would be more worried about the schools Covid Hygiene TBH.

itsgettingweird · 11/01/2021 08:15

Instead of hunting the teacher down why not teach your confident DD to respond with

"Why? Is it affecting my learning?"

Seatime · 11/01/2021 08:15

The teacher was rude and unprofessional. A student's eyebrows are none of her business. Young people can be so self conscious about their appearance, so it was particularly insensitive, and in the context of a school setting with the teacher/pupil power dynamic. I think it's reasonable to say to the teacher, please don't comment on my child's personal appearance. Also, ask her why she said it, hold her to account. It sounds like a 'Mean Girl' comment.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2021 08:16

This is hard to believe

JustAnotherPoster00 · 11/01/2021 08:19

The teacher would never have said anything along these lines to a boy

Is there any evidence that she would or wouldnt? Or are you just applying the tired old trope? [eye roll]

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 11/01/2021 08:20

The only thing I have learned from any of this is that we all spend way too much time thinking about what eyebrows should look like as a society

Brown76 · 11/01/2021 08:20

If your daughter is happy with her choice, which, in fact, goes against the prevailing norm, she needs to be able to cope with mild comments such as this.

MichelleScarn · 11/01/2021 08:20

'Hunt her down' and 'feeling punchy'? Nice chat! Unless you only hold words to account and mean what they when its someone else saying them? Or are you being lighthearted and you are not actually threatening physical violence to the teacher?

withmycoffee · 11/01/2021 08:21

Why is a teacher commenting on a student's natural appearance?

TrialOfStyle · 11/01/2021 08:23

I am really surprised at the comments on this one. The teacher wasn’t being kind telling a child from a position of authority that her natural appearance was wrong. She was being critical of something that she had no business even commenting on.

Let’s imagine you as an adult are sitting in an office with 30 colleagues - you’re manager comes in and in front of everyone makes the same comment to you. You’d all really fine that a non issue?

I don’t think this is an ‘all guns blazing’ issue either, but it does require a quiet word with the teacher.