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Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
Rabblemum · 10/01/2021 12:53

I must admit I would be cautious about moving in with my boyfriend because things are great living apart and there are complications.

I would think carefully about his motivations. Some men want to have the woman they live in as their base and women on the side.

On the other side he may just not want to ruin a good thing by taking things too fast, did he tell you this clearly? Is he open with his emotions and intentions? Does his entire story add up? If so he may be putting things on hold for the right reasons. Living apart has advantages, you have a chance to miss each other, your money is your own and it's easier.

You want to take things further in this relationship than he does, that's not a good sign. Maybe put your plans on hold and test him a little.

Orlania · 10/01/2021 12:53

had said that a person does need hobbies and interests so not 100% of the time together, you clearly did not read that.
Maybe re-read what I actually posted. You will see I mentioned not being together 100% and I never mentioned or insinuated 'clinging' either

I did. Your post sounds clingy and immature. I commented according.

Orlania · 10/01/2021 12:53

*accordingly

1FootInTheRave · 10/01/2021 12:54

I think he's not that into you tbh.

Sounds like you've pushed for the moving in and he's succumbed to keep you quiet.

This won't end well.

Twisique · 10/01/2021 12:54

I would back off and see where that takes you.

Branleuse · 10/01/2021 12:55

Hes not ready for being stepdad and the family life you are after. Hes trying to compromise. It doesnt sound particularly sinister to me. Just that you want to move quicker than he does

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 12:56

@Orlania

had said that a person does need hobbies and interests so not 100% of the time together, you clearly did not read that. Maybe re-read what I actually posted. You will see I mentioned not being together 100% and I never mentioned or insinuated 'clinging' either

I did. Your post sounds clingy and immature. I commented according.

Saying that people who love each other want to be together and spend the rest of their lives together (heck, that is what marriage is about, is it not?) is not clingy, it is mature and realistic. I repeat, you sound too young and immature to have actually been in a relationship.
QueenGoblin · 10/01/2021 12:56

You don't mention your age but I imagine that is a concern if you want more children.

Has he expressed why he thinks he'll need a time out? Is he just concerned about what living with a child full time will be like? How much does he stay over currently?

I would say that if you want more children then you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with him.

Where do you both see yourselves in the next 5 years? Are you both on the same page, can you be? How do you get there? Be very clear about the fact you want more children and the time frame and if that is not something he wants to commit to and work towards than you are better off separating so you can try and build the future you both want. You can't rely on him maybe coming around when your child bearing years disappear.

gurglebelly · 10/01/2021 12:57

I just wouldn't be comfortable with someone who is clearly keeping his options open, he either wants to live together or he doesn't, and everything he is saying screams that he doesn't

CuriousSeal · 10/01/2021 12:58

I think he has quite a sensible approach. A 7 year old can still be pretty full on. Having his own place will give him a chance to ease into your household. Before he moves in though, I would want to know when he wanted children if I were you.

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 12:58

I guess "till death do us part" sounds 'clingy and immature', too. Hmm

bluebell34567 · 10/01/2021 12:59

agree with Branleuse. he is trying to comprimise.
there is nothing to be upset about it. dont take it personally.
its better than moving in and then breaking up.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 10/01/2021 13:00

He might not be shagging other people, he might genuinely be an introvert or a neat freak who just needs his space and order, his peace and quiet etc, and doesn't love being in the company of kids 24/7 - especially someone else's. He shouldn't have to apologise for that.

However, if he's dangling some vague and distant carrot, then that's unfair and unkind. Maybe he's trying to convince himself he can change for you, eventually, when he's ready, but I doubt it. If he's like this now then what will he be like once he's agreed to moving in and having a baby and his time and space are no longer his own? He'd be like a bear with a sore head.

I think this is one of those cases of 'when a men tells you who he really is - listen.'

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/01/2021 13:00

Sorry OP but the relationship is doomed! You want different things.

MimiDaisy11 · 10/01/2021 13:01

I like my own time and an arrangement like this might suit me, but it sounds like you both want different things.

Just because someone doesn't want to jump into things doesn't mean they're not committed. They could just be being cautious and sensible. Things might change if you try living together.

Sakesman · 10/01/2021 13:01

I think when the going gets inevitably tough - he will get going. Don’t move in with him unless you’re happy with that thought. You can’t go into it thinking he’ll change.

C0NNIE · 10/01/2021 13:02

You are not compatible.

He wants to have his own place and his own space.

You want someone to move in full time, be committed and have another child.

Please don’t waste the rest of your fertile years waiting for this man to turn into someone he’s not.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/01/2021 13:07

The issues as much as you don't like being on your own and can't wait to have someone to share all your lovely moments, he is enjoying these times on his own, so the prospect of what you want very much is what is frightening him.

He is very right to be cautious. Going from single and enjoying it to a full on relationship sound almost everything together is a big adjustment. Add a child and it is huge transition.

He is just not ready so his proposal is a compromise as he just isn't ready for the full transition yet.

You could give him an ultimatum but if he hasn't ready, be prepared for him to walk away in a few weeks and say it isn't working.

4amWitchingHour · 10/01/2021 13:08

My DH was like this when I first moved in to his place - I still had my own flat. He suggested that I go back to it every now and then so we could ease in to living together. He is a massive introvert and his last relationship where he'd lived with someone had ended terribly. I didn't even entertain it, there was no way I was living between two places. My H was just nervous, but I was pissed off that he wanted to still have one foot out the door. Fortunately he sucked it up and found it wasn't as hard as he thought it might be 😏

Your proposal to go back to dating is the right one - he's either in or out, he can't have a halfway house for his own convenience, ESPECIALLY with your daughter involved.

Tigertigertigertiger · 10/01/2021 13:08

I like that idea!

VinylDetective · 10/01/2021 13:08

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.
Ffs, that didn’t take long, did it?
Tigertigertigertiger · 10/01/2021 13:09

But I’m not you .

theDudesmummy · 10/01/2021 13:09

He wants the cohabiting on his terms, he gets to choose when he comes and goes etc. This is going to progress to his wanting (actually demanding, on threat of his leaving/"taking time for himself") everything in the relationship on his terms. Don't do it.

ilhahih · 10/01/2021 13:11

You're not compatible. You want different things. Your image of your future relationship is different to his.
If both partners are happy with "living separately but together" as they both want time on their own I think that's fair enough and can and does work. Some married couples live in separate houses and get along just fine.

However, this does not sound like the sort of thing you are looking for and as you are hoping to have children with him it isn't workable.
I don't like the way he says if you have an argument he'll have someone to go for a couple of days. If you have an argument you should be able to talk this through rather than have one person just flit off. Before you know it you'll be afraid to bring up any issues because of the possibility of him just waltzing off in a huff and turning up again whenever he feels like it.
It's this attitude of his that rings alarm bells to me as well as the impact on your DD of someone appearing and disappearing willy nilly.

No children. No intention of having any. Fine. Could work.
One DD already and you are hoping for more. Absolutely not.

Just dump him. Smacks of future faking to me.

movingonup20 · 10/01/2021 13:11

Sounds like he's trying to please you but isn't really ready. My exh is very similar with his new dp, he's admitted to me he can't deal with being around people all the time (he managed with me because he went to work even at weekends and I didn't complain and I never disturbed him in his office at home plus I kept the kids away when he was working/needed space). If having a dp like that isn't for you think carefully