DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

[hannahrose123]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

I voted YABU because it seems like you are the one backing him into a corner and he has agreed to move in just to pacify you. There is another poster who has her own thread where her DP has decided he wants out of the relationship, she had given him an ultimatum about moving in, he did, she is now heavily pregnant and he decided he wants 'time out'. Don't be a fool OP.

I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to commit to you and from your comment above, it seems like you know this. You should decide whether you are prepared to wait IF he ever does want to build a full life with you.

What if you were to become pregnant now? Would he still want his ‘time out’ from his new baby?

He’s not a keeper. Sorry.

@hannahrose123 Do you get any time to yourself.Does your dd go to her dads.

It reads to me you want him to move in more than he does.
Does he want children,bigger house,marriage.
Or is he happy to toddle along doing what ever comes next.

I think at this point in your relationship you need to have a serious discussion.And finish it and find someone who wants the same as you without messing you around.

Also are you both the same age.

Saying that people who love each other want to be together and spend the rest of their lives together (heck, that is what marriage is about, is it not?) is not clingy, it is mature and realistic. I repeat, you sound too young and immature to have actually been in a relationship

You're not very nice are you! You want people to agree with your opinion or you insult them by calling them immature and suggesting that they cant snare themselves that golden prize known as a man? Classy 🤣

The term ‘flogging a dead horse’ has never been more apt. You want a live in boyfriend and another kid, time is not on your side, you’re wasting your fertility by clinging on to this dude who has been crystal clear that he’s not interested in any of that, and only says enough to keep you clinging on, hoping for more crumbs or hoping he’ll change his mind and magically develop a modicum of enthusiasm. You need to start the process of finding a man who does want the same things as you, before you run out of time. And your child should not have your boyfriend/s forced into her home until you’ve been with one for a long time, for her sake.

@Bagamoyo1

He’s not doing anything wrong. This is just typical mumsnet anti man stuff.

Imagine if it was the other way round. My boyfriend has a 7 year old and he gets lonely and overwhelmed when he’s on his own. I live alone, and whilst I love my boyfriend I really value my time on my own. I like my boyfriend’s daughter , she’s a great kid and I like chatting to her, but I’m really not ready to be a full time parent yet. My boyfriend has been on at me to move in, but I’m just not ready. I’d love to do it gradually, spend more time there, but still be able to come home as well sometimes. But my boyfriend says if I don’t move in then he won’t let me see his daughter or visit for “family time”. We’ll have to go back to just dating, which seems like a backward step to me. AIBU to want to take this slowly, working towards moving in gradually, without so much pressure?

If you posted that, everyone would agree with you, and they’d tell you that the boyfriend was trying to recruit free childcare!

I agree with every word of this. This is just a plain old incompatibility, not 'selfish cunt' behaviour. Incidentally it's the same incompatibility I have with my husband: I wish I had known when I first moved in with him 8 years ago to negotiate preservation of my own space, as your partner's suggestion is a dream for me, but like you, he just wants me here all the time and takes it very personally when I need to be alone for a bit. If I were to ever be in a position of finding a new relationship I would never again commit to full-time cohabitation. I think it's a realisation a lot of people don't arrive at until their thirties, which is why you frequently see older people in second marriages taking a much less traditional approach.

OP if you're really crazy about this guy and it's good in every other way I'd give it a whirl and see if it's really as bad in reality. It probably just hurt you because it sounded like a luekwarm commitment; I can see myself reacting the same way as you, before I realised I am your partner in my own relationship! If you can get your head around the fact that it isn't anything to do with you, then you might find it isn't such a big deal in reality. Heck, you might even find you appreciate the space yourself. It can be nice to be excited to see someone again.

There are still a vast number of people who do want it your way though, if you're sure you could never adapt. I know that if my marriage ever did break down, he would be very able to find someone to fill my space, and I sometimes wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone of your kind of temperament.

(Maybe we should swap )

Write yourself a list of what you want from him. Are all your wishes unreasonable to ask of a partner? Can he give you those things in a way that doesn't make you feel like a whiny hanger on? Are they things you can compromise on for your long term happiness?

If the answer to those Q's is no, ditch him and move on. I don't know if he's in the wrong or not (and I don't think you can automatically assume he's off to shag other people) but you are allowed to want things from other people and go after them too. It's not about punishing HIM, it's about doing what YOU want

Saying that people who love each other want to be together and spend the rest of their lives together (heck, that is what marriage is about, is it not?) is not clingy, it is mature and realistic. I repeat, you sound too young and immature to have actually been in a relationship

🤣 Somehow I suspect I'm considerably older than you.

Don’t do this to your daughter. This is not the man to build a life with.

Don't do it. He's clearly not as committed as you are and it won't make you happy.

I had a friend who had an arrangement just like your partner wants. They had a child, through IVF just to illustrate he was on board with the pregnancy, and she ended up a single parent. He was indeed shagging other people during his 'time out' nights.

I'm not saying it will happen to you, but living separately has to be something you both want. I have friends who have been together 12 years doing this, but they are in their 50's and the both want it and there is no prospect of children of course.

@LucilleTheVampireBat Um, read the previous posts. I was the one who was called immature first. I responded in kind.

suggesting that they cant snare themselves that golden prize known as a man?

What on earth? Where did I insinuate any such thing? Saying that someone sounds like they haven't yet been in a relationship is not the same thing as suggesting a person isn't capable of 'snaring a man'.

You're not a very nice person yourself if you attack me for using a word back at someone that they called me first, and creating a narrative about 'snaring a man' when I said nothing of the sort.

Hi Op
Its obvious you both want separate things in life at this current moment time,

you don't mention if he has said he is interested in settling down and having children with you?
is very Telling,where he is at emotionally about this, isn't it..
(Actions and Sometimes What's not said too speaks louder than words.!!!

He is obviously not ready for that kind commitment.!
Obviously not into the idea of that set up
I think you need to think of moving on from this current relantship
Sorry to say Op..

I know a few friends/Actiquences in relantships(one friend has been in this type of relantship for 18 yrs,) who do not Live together all time/ have separate homes.

There is nothing wrong with this type of relantship/arrangement at all.!
Its just unconvential to our society's Norms.!

x

@Orlania

Saying that people who love each other want to be together and spend the rest of their lives together (heck, that is what marriage is about, is it not?) is not clingy, it is mature and realistic. I repeat, you sound too young and immature to have actually been in a relationship

🤣 Somehow I suspect I'm considerably older than you.

Lol, unless you're in your late 50s, I doubt it.... 🤣

He's being honest with you. He's not ready or enthusiastic about moving in. He just isn't saying those words but that's what his actions are telling you.

I understand why he would do that. He's a bit scared to commit moving in thats all. He has made it very cushy for himself though but he is just scared. Do u think because u also hav a child he might feel he needs to test the waters a bit more too? I think I would to see if i actually would be happy in that set up. If he isnt happy he could potentially withdraw but atleast u gave it a shot! Just see how it goes ur relationship hasnt been that long either so cant be really pushy and expect him to drop everything straight away.

Not wanting to ditch his safe house. He won't commit to this and you may be left literally holding the baby

Geesus the vipers on AIBU are particularly vicious today.

Just to add aswel. It seems like u are on different pages. Seems like ur wanting children etc etc etc going from 0-100 maybe ul end up scaring him off. Just relax a little.

I don't think he's unreasonable. You just want different things.

Whether you can go on like this, or for how long, depends partly on how old you are and partly on whether you think he sees you as 'the one', or as Ms 'good enough for now'.

You need to have some serious talks about future intentions, babies, finances and everything. You appear to be relying on a lot of assumptions e.g. about how finances would work, based on what you think is fair and unreasonable, without having checked with him. You could be in for a shock or two, when he does show his cards. Why not be open and discuss things?

NRTFT, sorry.

You'll know whether this is accurate or not but it could be that he knows himself well and recognises that moving in full time is likely to be overwhelming for him and so this is his suggestion as he doesn't want to break up with you.

If this is something you think is likely true then a conversation about whether he'd like to use this transition period as a move towards living together full time and reviewing the situation periodically.

G'luck

Nah I wouldn't be having this. I know real relationships aren't all faiy tales and people are allowed to express their needs. However at this stage and if he actually want to move in I'd expect him to be enthusiastic. Not creating get out plans. It also feels financially a bit bonkers to keep on a flat permanently.

Lol, unless you're in your late 50s, I doubt it.... 🤣

Gosh, clearly wisdom and age isn't a thing then 😉

He has said he wants to 'take time out', because he feels as though he might get to points (whilst living together) where he isn't giving us his best and wants a few days as and when to refresh himself.

Ooh. That does sound lovely doesn’t it? When will you get to refresh because you’re not giving your best? That’s right, never.

You can’t behave this way when there’s a child involved - either you’re in or out. He’s not in, so he should be out. End of story IMO