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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

379 replies

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 10:47

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD).

Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect.

We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much.

His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected.

Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 10/01/2021 12:35

It sounds like:
He's not that into you and/or doesn't want to be a stepfather (see "not excited or enthusiastic " about the prospect of living with you and has actively refused previously).

He has given in only because you kept asking.

He has left himself with an escape route.
You will have an unbalanced relationship where you are always minding your manners and walking on eggshells to keep him happy, otherwise he will huff off to his own house. You won't be able to do that. If you have a baby with him that will be even more difficult and painful for you.

He will have to bear the cost of running his own home and will probably refuse or not be able to contribute to yours although your food and utility costs will increase.

You aren't thinking properly about what is best for your DD (see all the above) for the sake of having a live in boyfriend and other future children.

It doesn't sound like you are suited. He us only willing to give you half a commitment. He isn't even keen on living together and you doubt mention what he thinks/ wants about having more children.

mamas12 · 10/01/2021 12:35

Where I can see that arrangement would work is if you are BOTH able to to have ‘time out’ which means as it’s your house and you can’t abandon your child, for you to be able to have your time out you will require him to move out for a few days
How would he like that?
If though you feel that’s not enough of a commitment for you then you can’t change that mindset so you really need to tell him

Tellmetruth4 · 10/01/2021 12:36

Just adding that I think you’ve been pushing the living together thing a bit too soon. How well does your child know this man?

CharityDingle · 10/01/2021 12:37

It might not feel like it now, but it's better that this is discussed now, rather than further down the line. I think I would continue as you are, for now, and discuss further whether or not this works, or what might work for both of you, in the future.

justasking111 · 10/01/2021 12:38

I know a couple like this now way beyond childbearing years, they do get on, are engaged, but between her bloody awful children who dump grandchildren on her and his equally awful children who use him as an ATM and we are talking many thousands here. They cannot let go of their old obligations and move forward telling the adult children to sod off. We have been watching this for more than a decade now.

@hannahrose123 I would advise you to let go, better to be miserable now than years down the road.

popNlock · 10/01/2021 12:39

Could be something innocent such as feeling embarrassed about using your washing machine and his socks being on a washing line

😂😂😂

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2021 12:39

He is not the one for you.
He wants to take it slow and take time out when it gets a bit tough.

My crystal ball says....

In next 12 months you will be pregnant and he will not stay and you will continue to be a single parent- but as he has money - you'll be alright.

Is that how you really want it? Unsupportive partner who walks out when it gets a bit hard then walks back in - is that how your daughter should expect to be treated if you accept it as the norm?

BillyIsMyBunny · 10/01/2021 12:42

How old are you both? I think that makes a difference, if he’s still quite young I can see why he might feel anxious about committing to moving in with you and your DD full time. Having your DD means this is a very different ask to moving in with a childless partner and I can understand why he thinks he might need headspace and the opportunity to have a break from living with a child (that’s not his) from time to time. Does DD spend any time with her father where you and DP would have the house to yourself?

honeylulu · 10/01/2021 12:43

Just been back through your posts and see you have commented on him being able to contribute to your household (good) but that this hasn't been discussed or agreed (bad).

The bit that disturbs me is that he acts the "father figure" to your daughter even though you don't live together and don't like that. What does that involve? Do you mean, as I suspect, he tells her off/ tries to discipline her? This is really not good ... He is overstepping the mark and cherry picking the bits of step parenting he fancies. I bet he doesn't do any of the flip side (caring duties). Have you told him you don't like it? If not why not? You need to stand up for your daughter!

Parkperson · 10/01/2021 12:43

@surelynotnever. Well said! I completely agree with you. It makes sense that he keeps his own place so that if it doesn't work out he has somewhere to go and live.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2021 12:45

Sounds like he's hedging his bets.
I don't think he's enough "into you" to be a good long-term prospect at this stage, seems like he's keeping his options open in case someone better comes along.

I definitely wouldn't consider getting pregnant by him any time soon!

Also, of course you know that when he moves in your bills will increase, so you need to discuss his contribution to those - I don't know if they still do 25% reduction in Council tax for single adult occupancy, but you'll lose that for starters, to say nothing of increases in food bills, water etc.

I don't think you should call it him "moving in", since he effectively won't be - he'll be time-sharing between you and his flat. But up to you - if you want to give it a go on the time-share, with him not actually moving in, then at least you probably wouldn't lose any benefits that single adult occupancy brings you, and you'd get to find out how committed he really is.

But if I'm honest, I'd say he's just not the guy you wish he was.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 12:45

At some point means nothing at all OP. He likes you, wants to date you, knows you want babies, maybe marriage, cohabiting, so he’s chucking you adequate crumbs to keep you hanging around.

DH has DC from his previous marriage and wanted more, to buy a house together, to marry me.

So once we agreed things were serious, I’d got to know his kids and it was all going well, we sat down and said we’d do all three things then discussed in what order. Got married a few months later, signed the house paperwork on honeymoon, started ttc. That’s how people progress relationships. Talking about things honestly, putting timeframes in place, then getting on with it.

You want different things. You know you do. You’re considering settling because you’re worried about getting older and the hassle of trying to meet someone else and he’s not even on board with living together never mind marriage and babies. And he’s completely within his rights to want different things. It seems to be a combination of him trying to keep you hanging with just enough hints and you ignoring his obvious reluctance because he’ll do as a dad for your next baby - if you can convince him to have one.

Why don’t you want to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants the same life and future as you do? I’m sure he’s out there.

HeavenlyEyes · 10/01/2021 12:46

He's just not that into you then?

Parkperson · 10/01/2021 12:46

Take a look at the step parenting board. So many step mums being warned off men with children and told not to do any childcare. It is completely different if it is a man moving in and he is expected to undertake parenting duties straight away.

BungleandGeorge · 10/01/2021 12:46

Is he older? It’s very possible to be in a committed relationship and not want to live together permanently. I’d say it more common as people get older and discover that having your own space can be a positive thing! He also may not want to be responsible for a child. The problem is that you don’t appear to want the same thing, he doesn’t want to so he’s agreed to do it part time to keep you happy. But it’s not what you want and that is just as valid

Superpanicky · 10/01/2021 12:47

I don’t usually comment on these type of posts with a “leave the bastard” response but - wow if you’re with someone for this relatively short amount of time and they already want a get out clause before even really committing then that’s a huge red flag. Don’t waste anymore of your time on him, he isn’t in it for the long haul.

user1486915549 · 10/01/2021 12:48

Poor man
He has been honest with you but you are not listening.
You are just pushing and pushing to get your own way.
This will not end well
And please don’t “ accidentally “ get pregnant. It’s not what he wants.

Anon6543 · 10/01/2021 12:48

There's nothing wrong with what he wants. We don't all have to follow the social norm of wanting a live in partner 24/7.

But it sounds like it's not what you want. Seems your visions of the future are not compatible, so I think you need to have a serious discussion, and if its a deal breaker for both of you, move on.

giletrouge · 10/01/2021 12:48

How old are you OP? How old is he?
You want (more) children and commitment - him - not yet and not like that. This is at the center of it. How much time do you have to piss about?

Merryoldgoat · 10/01/2021 12:49

What are you doing OP? Seriously - you don’t seem to value yourself at all.

All the compromise is yours.

Moving in together should be exciting. Just stop this nonsense for your sake and your child.

Wanting another child shouldn’t drive you to make decisions that are so poor.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 10/01/2021 12:49

I know someone who wasted 7 years on a man like this. He would never commit and never had any intention of taking on her children permanently, nor having any of his own. Totally his choice and to be fair he was always quite upfront about it, but i think she always hoped he'd change his mind. As he spent quite a bit of 'alone time' she didn't police all his movements and accepted it as normal for their relationship.

Then one day he rang her to tell her he'd got married. To a woman who didn't have any children, didn't want any, and was happy to move in with him and his parents.

WeAreShiningStars · 10/01/2021 12:49

You love him more than he loves you.

You are more invested in going forward with the relationship than he is.

Please don't put your existing child into this situation. Call a halt to the living together. And don't get pregnant.

Dopeyduck · 10/01/2021 12:50

@BingBongToTheMoon

He wants to go to his flat to shag other people.
Sorry but I think this too.

Either way, no, it shouldn’t be like this, so don’t do it.

You can take some time to consider your stance on the relationship in general but he doesn’t want to commit or live with you so don’t.

Perhaps that living full time with a child is daunting to him, I get this, but you and DD are a package deal so if he doesn’t want the whole package he can’t have any of it.

CaraDuneRedux · 10/01/2021 12:51

@hannahrose123

He has actually brought a lot of this up himself in the past. When we discuss it he agrees that he wants all of that 'at some point.' He never gives definitive answers as to when/how/time scales... just some vague notion that he definitely wants that 'in the future.'
He's future faking you, OP.

Best case scenario - he's pretty benign but you and he simply want different things.

Worst case scenario - he's deliberately stringing you along.

Either way, there is no future in this relationship for you, at least not a happy one that makes you feel loved and secure as you ought to feel in a relationship.

1WayOrAnother2 · 10/01/2021 12:51

It does suggest that he is not fully into the relationship and knows that he has reservations.

What he wants might not be wrong but he does not seem to be compatible with you. This is a pretty important difference of approach.

You want and need a normal committed loving relationship - something to live in and build on over the years ahead.

He wants one with emergency escape doors. He is expecting to need these.