Page 7 | DP moving in with me on the condition of 'taking time out'?

hannahrose123 · 2021-01-10T10:47:44+00:00

DP and I have been together for 2 years. I have a DD from a previous relationship. There has been quite a contentious point in our relationship for some time; that is living with one another. When the pandemic first started, I needed some support and asked him to come and stay with us - he declined, which was okay... we've now formed a support bubble, as he lives alone and so do I (plus DD). Then as time as gone on (and another year) we have had many discussions about us moving in together... I am genuinely excited to live with him, I see him as the one I want to settle down with, have more children with etc. He never seems enthusiastic or excited about the prospect. We've now reached a point in our discussions where he has said he will move in, 'but he wants to be able to take time out when he needs it'. He owns his own flat about an hour from my place, and from my understanding, he wants to travel back and forth as and when he feels like he 'needs the space'. He said this might be that he 'lives' with me for 2 weeks, then goes to his flat for a few nights, then comes back for a week, then goes back to his flat for 2 days... then he said that hopefully as time goes on and he gets more comfortable living here, he won't feel the need to go back as much. His proposal has made me feel really shit. I am crazy about him, I would love to wake up next to him everyday, all of those exciting things. I don't feel great about the idea at all, it has made me feel very rejected. Moving in together is not meant to be like this, is it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 12:17

Beside the point but several people are talking about his msn becoming a step dad if he moves in.

Is it the case that men become step dads when they move in and women only become step mums when they marry?

Clymene · 10/01/2021 12:17

@Doublefaced

The keeping a separate flat would be ok if there wasn’t a child involved. The prospect if him disappearing every time you have words about leaving the loo seat up, or running out of milk, is way too destabilising for any child. He’s either 100% committed, or he’s not. You and your DD deserve stability.

Yes, agree 100%.

He's talking about being committed but he's not. I don't think he wants this at all but it's more convenient to him acting 'as a father figure' as you put it to only seeing you when you daughter is asleep.

He's stringing you along.

CarolVordermansBum · 10/01/2021 12:17

If a woman with no children posted on here saying her partner who had a child wanted her to move in, but she wasn't 100% ready and still wanted to spend the odd night at her flat to chill out, everyone would tell her she is 100% within her rights, that being a step parent is so hard and she deserves a break whenever she wants, not to let him pressure her into anything etc etc. But because in this scenario the man has no DC and isn't completely ready to move in with OP and be a full time step dad it means he's shagging someone else, and he needs immediate dumping?

starfishmummy · 10/01/2021 12:18

It wouldnt be my choice but I know people who have been together (no kids) for many many years and who have separate homes. It works well for them

Sonthere are alternatives

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 12:18

To all the people who have commented saying they are doing this arrangement or would be happy with this arrangement... do you want more children in the future?

As an aside, but also something to consider in this situation, I would like to extend my family at some point too, and I don't see how that's possible without the commitment of someone living with you full time? And if I continue to wait until this man is 'ready', I am playing russian roulette with my fertility. I am only getting older and the chance of meeting someone for a serious relationship and more children getting slimmer.

OP posts:

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 12:19

@Orlania

the who point of being in a relationship is that you want to be with that person, you can't stand being apart from them. You are supposed to actually want to be spending as much time with them as you can.

That sounds clingy, claustrophobic and not a good basis for a relationship imo. Like an obsessive crush.

I get the feeling you've never been in an actual relationship, if you honestly think it is clingy or claustrophobic to want to live with someone you want to be committed to.

It is the normal default setting. Not everyone wants a casual FWB 'relationship'. Your view is the outlier.

shouldistop · 10/01/2021 12:19

If more children are important to you then this isn't the man for you

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 10/01/2021 12:20

@diamondpony80

Someone wants to have his cake and eat it. He’s not committed to you. Are you sure he doesn’t already have someone else visiting him at his flat? I can’t see any other reason why he’d drive an hour to go sleep somewhere else.

stop projecting

You know nothing about the OP and her partner.

Is he supposed to move in a 5-6 bedroom detached house, with at least a room for himself and plans to make the house "theirs"
or is he expecting to bring a suitcase and live in HER 2 bed flat with no privacy and no peace?

We are forever advising women to keep, if not a job, at least their own hobby, friends and free independent time - and rightly so. The minute a man indicates the need for a bit of freedom he is accused of cheating.

Who knows. I would want my own space too frankly, and it would have nothing to do with sleeping with others.

Clymene · 10/01/2021 12:21

@Bagamoyo1

This really is surreal. I don’t want to live with my boyfriend. We’ve been together 5 years, I love him, he’s great, and one day I’m sure we will live together. But I work, I have 2 kids, I have practically no time on my own. I have my own way of doing things. I have my own stuff. I’m happy as we are. Does that mean I’m not committed and I’m shagging someone else on the side?!!

Which is great and I absolutely would do that personally.

But this isn't about you or me. This is about the OP and she wants him to move in and have more children. He doesn't want that.

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 12:22

@hannahrose123

To all the people who have commented saying they are doing this arrangement or would be happy with this arrangement... do you want more children in the future?

As an aside, but also something to consider in this situation, I would like to extend my family at some point too, and I don't see how that's possible without the commitment of someone living with you full time? And if I continue to wait until this man is 'ready', I am playing russian roulette with my fertility. I am only getting older and the chance of meeting someone for a serious relationship and more children getting slimmer.

OP this is a whole different issue. If you are planning to have children with your boyfriend then presumably you’ve discussed marriage, buying a joint property together, planning a future etc. And presumably he’s agreed that he wants this too?

I guess age makes a big difference. Many of us posting on here will have completed our families, so having more kids isn’t an issue.

TurquoiseDragon · 10/01/2021 12:24

@hannahrose123

We haven't discussed how the financials would work in this arrangement. He has more than enough money to be able to contribute to the bills here whilst still paying for his place. I wouldn't ask him for a lot, as in my mind some of the bills I'd be paying without him living here (council tax, rent) etc. I would only want contribution towards the things that will cost extra (utilities, food).

He does need to contribute to council tax, because I assume you claim the 25% single adult discount, and once he moves in, the discount is lost.

Eddielzzard · 10/01/2021 12:25

He doesn't want what you want.

Original poster

hannahrose123 · 10/01/2021 12:25

He has actually brought a lot of this up himself in the past. When we discuss it he agrees that he wants all of that 'at some point.' He never gives definitive answers as to when/how/time scales... just some vague notion that he definitely wants that 'in the future.'

OP posts:

Bagamoyo1 · 10/01/2021 12:26

OP I think you need to sit down and have a frank and honest conversation with your boyfriend. Explain that you love him and see him as your future - kids, marriage etc. And that you want to start this process by him moving in. Ask him if he sees that same future. Is he just wanting to take it a bit slower now, or does he not feel you’re “the one” for him.

CorianderBee · 10/01/2021 12:27

It's only been 2 years, not much time really. Will he marry you before extra babies?

cooldarkroom · 10/01/2021 12:27

This doesn't sound like a recipe for happy families...
I doubt it will work out. You could say, well lets stay single, & if you decide you want a life with me, if I am still free, I will think about it.

Lollyneenah · 10/01/2021 12:27

You're selling yourself short OP, by quite a lot. You should ònly let a man move in if he totally dependable and safe, not for yourself but for your daughter.
He sounds like he is not committed to a real future with you

MaryShelley1818 · 10/01/2021 12:28

Whether or not he's reasonable to want to live apart is irrelevant.

You both want completely different things, he does not want to live with you or be with you in the same way you want him.

littlepieces · 10/01/2021 12:28

If this bothers you then you're probably not right for each other at this stage. He will unlikely change and it will never stop bothering you. Have you directly asked him about this and told him how you feel? Is he a bit of an introvert? Perhaps he might find living with a kid a bit much?

Me and DP live very happily together but both very independent. Pre pandemic we each used to go away to do our own things now and again. Works for us but then again we don't have kids. I'm a bit of an introvert so we had a second home I would 100% be taking some time out there on my own now and again and so would DP

Gwenhwyfar · 10/01/2021 12:29

@CarolVordermansBum

If a woman with no children posted on here saying her partner who had a child wanted her to move in, but she wasn't 100% ready and still wanted to spend the odd night at her flat to chill out, everyone would tell her she is 100% within her rights, that being a step parent is so hard and she deserves a break whenever she wants, not to let him pressure her into anything etc etc. But because in this scenario the man has no DC and isn't completely ready to move in with OP and be a full time step dad it means he's shagging someone else, and he needs immediate dumping?

Yes, I was thinking that. There's been quite a few threads recently where people have been saying they'd like to have the house to themselves for a bit. I think a lot of people would go for an arrangement like this if they could afford to maintain two homes. Isn't living together apart quite a trend at the moment anyway? People who are as serious as cohabiters rather than daters, but who don't live together full time.

Orlania · 10/01/2021 12:30

get the feeling you've never been in an actual relationship, if you honestly think it is clingy or claustrophobic to want to live with someone you want to be committed to. confused It is the normal default setting. Not everyone wants a casual FWB 'relationship'. Your view is the outlier

Clinging to another person isn't healthy. Wanting to be with someone all the time isn't healthy. Living together and have space for yourself is fine. Living apart and having space for yourself is fine. Needing someone to live with you because you obsessively want to be with someone is unhealthy, dangerous, and not a good basis for a long term relationship. To assume that relationships where people aren't together 100 percent of the time is only a Fwb relationship is a very immature and insecure stance.
This is not an outlier position.

TillyTopper · 10/01/2021 12:30

No it's not meant to be like that at all OP. It sounds like you are more into him than he is into you - I'm sorry. I'd tread really carefully and certainly not have any DC with him. He's likely to move on in my view.

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 12:33

@Orlania

get the feeling you've never been in an actual relationship, if you honestly think it is clingy or claustrophobic to want to live with someone you want to be committed to. confused It is the normal default setting. Not everyone wants a casual FWB 'relationship'. Your view is the outlier

Clinging to another person isn't healthy. Wanting to be with someone all the time isn't healthy. Living together and have space for yourself is fine. Living apart and having space for yourself is fine. Needing someone to live with you because you obsessively want to be with someone is unhealthy, dangerous, and not a good basis for a long term relationship. To assume that relationships where people aren't together 100 percent of the time is only a Fwb relationship is a very immature and insecure stance.
This is not an outlier position.

I had said that a person does need hobbies and interests so not 100% of the time together, you clearly did not read that.

Maybe re-read what I actually posted. You will see I mentioned not being together 100% and I never mentioned or insinuated 'clinging' either.

Tellmetruth4 · 10/01/2021 12:33

If you’ve only just become a support bubble, you probably won’t have seen much of each other this past year.

Sorry but he doesn’t sound as keen as you. Let him go back to his flat. Permanently.

AcornAutumn · 10/01/2021 12:33

OP do you do all the chores? Is your place nicer than his?

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he just wants more living space options. I will be honest - when I do care visits to mum, I am relieved to be out of my small flat and to just see a house and garden!

I am sorry but I don't think he wants to live with you in the way you see living together.