To do a not-so-humble-brag about new DP?

[Jackblackcat]

Ok bit of a trick question because I suppose this is more about me than him, but today marks one year since I finally kicked my abusive husband out. It took a lot for me to recognise the abuse (very rarely physical), but I did and it took everything I had to end the relationship and become a single mum.

I have done so much work on myself over the past twelve months. I did the freedom programme, I got a promotion at work, I dated and had plenty of casual (safe!) sex too, until I could figure out exactly what I was looking for.

I'm now in the very early stages of a new relationship with a lovely man, and have just moved into my new home which I have bought by myself. He helped me to move in, and over the past few days has shown me exactly what a healthy relationship looks like. He has gone above and beyond and I am so grateful for it, but the thing that really brought it home was building the flat pack furniture together. Because unlike my ex, who would be telling me I was getting it all wrong, and be swearing and getting aggressive if he couldn't make sense of the instructions, my new DP was laughing at how he kept getting parts of it the wrong way round and kept saying "at least you know what you're doing babe!".

He has been so fucking supportive of everything I am doing, and I had a little tear in my eye after he left last night (he wanted to go before my DS got back from his dads because "this is your moment, yours and his, it's important it's just the two of you this evening") because of how great he has been.

I'm still being cautious and staying alert for any red flags that might emerge, but I am so happy right now!

(Also before anyone picks up on it, yes he has met my DS, he was introduced to him as a friend of mine who was helping us move because he is my support bubble and the only person i had to help me lift the bug heavy furniture, so they met briefly for about an hour).

@FuriousWithTheNHS there are plenty of adult women who don't like to use the term "boyfriend" because it feels juvenile. The same way I dont like being called his girlfriend, because I'm a woman not a girl. He is 45, he is not a boy and so i dont like calling him my boyfriend.

With hindsight I would have been more cautious but my mental health was clearly not at it's best.

Ah of course, because a woman can't have casual sex without having boundary issues.

so which is it?

OP why don’t you buy a good vibrator and have some single time?

Honestly I’m 9 months out of a relationship that wasn’t unhealthy and the break up wasn’t bad and I’m nowhere near ready for a new relationship yet. My ex GF is in a new relationship but she obviously wasn’t ready either judging by all the effort she went to to make sure I knew about it. No I don’t want to be with her but yes it hurt, and we didn’t have the trauma bond that an abusive relationship creates. They are called rebound relationships for a reason OP.

Even the healthiest relationships take time to heal and bounce back from because breaks ups are hard. I’m sorry OP but those of us who have experience on here aren’t going to be cheering you on, we’re going to tell you that you sound vulnerable and that your behaviour raises serious red flags, and that you have a child to care for who you should be prioritising. I couldn’t give a flying fuck whether you’ve broken covid rules or not, your OP would have alarm bells clanging regardless.

Please start thinking about yourself and your child, because at the moment you’re seeking validation from men, and that is not healthy at all.

@Jackblackcat

OP I don't know you but I am so proud of you!

Well done for everything you have achieved

Your story really made me smile 😊

😁 ah, first rule of mumsnet op - thou shalt not be happy.
If you arrive happy mumsnetters will do their best to ensure that does not last too long. (Tbf the reverse also applies)

He sounds great, it sounds like you are doing really well. Enjoy it

so which is it?

@FuriousWithTheNHS you've chosen two quotes which are not related at all. I would have been more cautious about covid restrictions with hindsight but I dont regret shagging about a bit, and would do it again without a second thought if it wasn't for covid. I regret the way I behaved during a pandemic, but I dont regret the behaviour itself.

A bit of shagging about is hardly the worst sin! Sex is fun! As long as you take precautions, no one is getting hurt and you are single then fuck who you like!

He sounds nice, I have a nice one this time round too. We are exclusive (over 18 months now) and he hasn’t stopped being nice yet! I hope yours is as good!

@MegtheShark

I’m cautiously very happy for you op.

I only say that because I also got into another relationship around a year after leaving an abusive ex. I thought I was stronger and smarter.

This guy was perfect, living, kind, supportive, never got angry. In fact almost too good to be true. I felt so lucky. Even after another 6 months when we moved in together he was a complete dream. No red flags that I could see.

Then I fell pregnant and he ‘had’ me. Then he started the way it always starts. Little put downs, verbal abuse under the guise of being stressed or drunk (funny how he could have a drink before without turning in to a bastard). My heart sank. I had a termination and got out if there.

Obviously I hope that is not the case for you! Just think we should always keep that little voice in our head.

Sorry you went through this.

Agree with everything in your post.

Is sex with 25 people or thereabouts in a three week period fun, though? It sounds bleak as fuck to me and in the interests of neither you, your child nor your urethral tract.

This isn't a 'brag'. It's a well-deserved declaration of happiness.

Sing it from the rooftops!

Lovely :)

Must feel like something that could be solid.

Is sex with 25 people or thereabouts in a three week period fun, though?

That's for the individual to decide.

If someone chooses to take their pleasure where they find it, for whatever reasons or history amounted to that position, and if no one is getting hurt in the process then I don't see the issue.

well done, its not bragging to celebrate something that makes you happy, its just your not used to being able to celebrate.

Just be prepared tho , because although you are only celebrating something that makes you happy, as you fear others will see it as bragging, that is their problem not yours, celebrate away, well done on finding happiness x

I’m very happy for you OP. But honestly more kudos are due to you than your new DP. You’ve completely turned your life around and undergone a upheaval of everything (job, home, self care) to do it. I am thrilled you have found a good partner as well. It is lovely to know that another adult actually values you and cares for you.

[quote ClaudiaAndTheCauldron]@Jackblackcat

OP I don't know you but I am so proud of you!

Well done for everything you have achieved

Your story really made me smile 😊 [/quote]
Are you fucking serious?!
When women post on here asking 'why did you have kids with him? Why didn't you see red flags?', it's probably because they were on here previously with inane proclamations about shagging around and finding an amazing man after 5 minutes and they get cheered on with idiotic messages like the one above.
Someone else replied they had tears in their eyes! She needs to be told her previous behaviour was stupid and dangerous and to calm the fuck down and take it slow, what she doesn't need is a team of cheerleaders egging her on.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Is sex with 25 people or thereabouts in a three week period fun, though?

That's for the individual to decide.

If someone chooses to take their pleasure where they find it, for whatever reasons or history amounted to that position, and if no one is getting hurt in the process then I don't see the issue.

It was the ‘no one getting hurt in the process’ bit I was questioning. Apart from anything else, there’s a young child in there who presumably spent three weeks having next to no contact with his primary carer, but instead was with his dangerous father and/or a babysitter.

I know when you said with hingsight you'd have been more cautious you were talking about Covid and not about the casual sex, but if your mental health was 'not the best' then you can't really separate your judgement and choices over the two.

For someone who only left her abusive husband in May, then shagged 25 people in the space of a handful of weeks, then went on to 'bubble' with one guy in September only to bubble with a different guy in November, I don't think you are yet in quite the healthy place you think you are.

You still haven't experienced being properly alone. You won't know really yourself outside of the context of a sexual/romantic relationship until you do.

Totally agree with Mookie and Upsidedown

👏 with last three posters

Aw I miss that fun bit when a new romance is taking off! V jealous.

But I have to say, don't compare new boyfriend to live in partner. All men can have a giggle when putting together an IKEA wardrobe when they're excited about sexy time.

Three years later when sex has lost currency by being constantly available, not so much.

My (normal, decent, kind) DP is ghastly when doing any form of DIY, I just leave the room. This is the man who drove three hours to give me a luxury Easter egg and an up against the wall shag when we were all of a flutter in the early days.

God I miss it. Enjoy every moment but please be realistic about what lies ahead in a settled relationship. Absolutely nobody deserves to be verbally or physically abused, that's a given. But laughing while building furniture is a privilege of the honeymooners.

My ex marriage sounds similar to yours. I too have met someone without those traits, albeit with a 15 year gap, and I still thank my lucky stars from time to time when I realise I don’t have to walk on egg shells. I think that’s fine so long as you use those feelings to protect yourself from reoccurrence rather than think that your partner is somehow wonderful because he’s not awful!
PS if anyone can think of a better word than partner I’d be grateful. Boyfriend sounds even sillier in your 50s.

i think the most important thing to remember in your narcisitic abuse recovery is yourself, and yes its great that you have a new partner , i would say always remeber your new hapniness comes from yourself,

individiulisim there is no moral wrong or right about how many partner one has and how short or long period, safe sex was practiced, if there is an affect on mental health to a detriment or an advantage then that is also an indivduals burden and shouldnt be judged,

as with the child not being with theor pprimary care giver - who is anyone on here to decide what a woman does with her free time , courts are notiourious for allowing abusive husbands accses to children after a split and if they are not abusive to the children and all precautions have been taken , who is to jugde anyone what they do with theor free time , some woman like watching strictly some woman like being with friends some woman (le gasp ) enjoy sex !

i always wondered what happened to the sisterhood of woman - it seems that any woman stepping outside the convential happy marriage /relationship experincing andmaking mistakes along the way and the judgement towards woman who leave abusive relationships always come from unhappy woman stuck in unhappy marriage who watch strictly while their husbands eye up the dancers , thats an objective view and not aimed at anyone before anyone gets their 100 percent cotton marks and spencers knickers ina twist

please if you are not or have not experienced an abusive relationship - go read up on leaving one, narcistc abuse , gaslighting and how many times on average its takes to leave a seriously abusive relationsip

then go look up behaviours of a woman in the time after she leaves a relationship

and then go look in a big bolack hole and try and find some compassion

@ashmts

I'm pleased that you've moved on from an abusive relationship but I can't congratulate you on having 'plenty of casual sex' during a pandemic? Unless you're not in the UK and rules are different.

Support. Bubble.

HTH

I may be reading it wrong but it sounds like very early days. Or weeks.

If you have only known new DP a short time remember he’ll be on 100% best behaviour. They are nearly all super perfect then. 2+ years in you actually start to know someone and can tell with more certainty if you’re onto a winner!

Let’s hope that is the case. 🤞🏻

Taking things slow is a good idea. Only a year since leaving abusive partner isn’t long at all.