To do a not-so-humble-brag about new DP?

[Jackblackcat]

Ok bit of a trick question because I suppose this is more about me than him, but today marks one year since I finally kicked my abusive husband out. It took a lot for me to recognise the abuse (very rarely physical), but I did and it took everything I had to end the relationship and become a single mum.

I have done so much work on myself over the past twelve months. I did the freedom programme, I got a promotion at work, I dated and had plenty of casual (safe!) sex too, until I could figure out exactly what I was looking for.

I'm now in the very early stages of a new relationship with a lovely man, and have just moved into my new home which I have bought by myself. He helped me to move in, and over the past few days has shown me exactly what a healthy relationship looks like. He has gone above and beyond and I am so grateful for it, but the thing that really brought it home was building the flat pack furniture together. Because unlike my ex, who would be telling me I was getting it all wrong, and be swearing and getting aggressive if he couldn't make sense of the instructions, my new DP was laughing at how he kept getting parts of it the wrong way round and kept saying "at least you know what you're doing babe!".

He has been so fucking supportive of everything I am doing, and I had a little tear in my eye after he left last night (he wanted to go before my DS got back from his dads because "this is your moment, yours and his, it's important it's just the two of you this evening") because of how great he has been.

I'm still being cautious and staying alert for any red flags that might emerge, but I am so happy right now!

(Also before anyone picks up on it, yes he has met my DS, he was introduced to him as a friend of mine who was helping us move because he is my support bubble and the only person i had to help me lift the bug heavy furniture, so they met briefly for about an hour).

@callmeadoctor because there are so many irritating people who don’t care - I mean this op is just astonishing, 25 random people , now not even bubbling right . It’s hard to concentrate on her post and not be annoyed . I came on to say it’s great she pulled herself out of a bad situation but as a responder I’m allowed an opinion on her post and what she writes - just like you are ( and no mumsnet should not be policing covid posts , perhaps it’s good some people have a wake up to their appalling behaviour) On an aside we’re all these random guys coming into the house her son was in ? Hopefully not 😒

Brag on. I’m so happy you know what a healthy relationship looks like and are aware of the Red flags that signal something is off. You deserve every happiness and your post made me smile. Your post is important too for those thinking of leaving a relationship to know that life can be so much better. I divorced abusive ex over a decade ago. I don’t want to be in another relationship and that’s my choice but I’m still so much happier and at peace than I have been for the entire time I was married. Long may your new relationship last.

Sounds like you deserve some happiness OP. Im genuinely thrilled for you, and hope it all works out in the best possible way for you all

I don’t want to shit on your parade or be horrible.
I really am glad you are happy but why have you started this post about him when it should have been about you?

What I mean is why have you wrote so much about this lovely bloke piling on compliments and praise (even if he is very nice) when the post you should have started and should have been all about how great you are and how well you have done
how well you did to leave,
how great you have done to be moving in to a new house.
You should be heaping praise and recognition on yourself!

then adding plus I’ve met a lovely bloke because I’ve worked really hard on my behaviour recognition and my boundaries so I actually can recognise he is a good bloke. the guy is the add on because you are the centre of importance not because you are selfish or narcissistic but because ^noone* should ever be more important to ourselves than ourselves and he is the add on (in a nice way)

Il finish by saying well done and I wish you luck with the rest of your life and your new home and your relationship. You have been through so much, you deserve it.

This is a lovely post, thank you for sharing some nice news.

When I got with my now DH, after leaving my ex H, I was always on the look out for anger and I was amazed by things that should just be normal really.

In the early months we were driving to a different city and I was directing him, sort of from the sat nav as we were going into the city and they were roads everywhere.

I made a mistake with my directions and it took us onto a road going the wrong way. I braced myself mentally straight away, out of habit. When I said I was sorry and I he said “don’t be silly, we’ll find somewhere go turn round up there” and we just carried on trying to find our way together, I couldn’t quite believe it and kept watching his face, looking for signs he was angry with me but trying to hide it. He wasn’t. It took a long time to relax and get used to that, still always thinking I was going to be blamed for things.

I think you need to be cautious as you sound very overinvested in him. You think he's your partner already and give you say he doesn't even live with you I think you need to rein yourself in a bit. If only for your child's sake.

Just go back to enjoying dating, it doesn't need to be so heavy so quickly.

Ffs I have already said that the majority of my stupid behaviour was over a three week period last summer. No random men in the house when DS was there either.

And ironically despite saying on the other thread that I technically broke bubble rules by bubbling with my new partner when he is different to who I bubbled with in September, I learnt from that thread that I was wrong and could change my support bubble with the right amount of isolating in between, which I had done (and had been doing throughout, minus the 3 week period I have already admitted was stupid).

How lovely!! Long may your happiness last OP! Xx

You don’t want to live with him and he puts your flat pack together ? Sounds like your just shagging the handyman 🤣

That you would so excitably post here at all is a red flag tbh. You're in the very early stages and you've not been tested at all. Everyone is on their best behaviour at the beginning. You're infatuated and putting him on a pedestal for perfectly normal behaviour. You don't sound like you're being careful at all with your own emotional well being and the fact that you have a child is even more worrying. I wouldn't have bothered posting if I hadn't see that, just rolled my eyes abs scrolled on.

I'll be interested to see where this is at in a years time and would be happy to be wrong but you sound quite desperate tbh and that's never a good place to be.

@Azerothi I've only used the term partner because of the DP acronym , I dont like using BF. Would ever refer to him as my partner in real life

@MegtheShark hard choices well made.

A little tear in my eye for you here, so happy for you. Flat pack can be a nightmare too, you have to laugh through it

[quote Jackblackcat]@Azerothi I've only used the term partner because of the DP acronym , I dont like using BF. Would ever refer to him as my partner in real life [/quote]
I’m the Same except we’ve been together nearly 20 years but not married, hate boyfriend so use partner!

I will say though I do suppose it depends how long you have been together as partner tends to be saved for the we’re very serious (usually long term) but not married so there’s no label for us part of the relationship

@Ginkypig yeah I get that boyfriend just sounds a bit juvenile when we are in our 30s/40s. And if I'm honest our label would be "dating exclusively but havent labelled it". Which is why DP just fit better for the sake of an acronym

Where were you shagging these 25 men? At no point have they been allowed in your house!

Covid must be booming for the dogging community.

@HmmSureJan

That you would so excitably post here at all is a red flag tbh. You're in the very early stages and you've not been tested at all. Everyone is on their best behaviour at the beginning. You're infatuated and putting him on a pedestal for perfectly normal behaviour. You don't sound like you're being careful at all with your own emotional well being and the fact that you have a child is even more worrying. I wouldn't have bothered posting if I hadn't see that, just rolled my eyes abs scrolled on.

I'll be interested to see where this is at in a years time and would be happy to be wrong but you sound quite desperate tbh and that's never a good place to be.

Yep major red flag posting about how a amazing a normal sounding man is and after 3 months.

Op I’m really disappointed you respond with ‘ffs’ to a post calling out your behaviour during covid . Even if your ds wasn’t about - if guys were in your house they can spread covid on surfaces . Assume your ds didn’t have antibodies ? Either way your response is really rude , you say it was three weeks but it was July to November in your other post . I’m by no means covid police and have disagreed with many posters who are going over the top spying in neighbours etc but your behaviour deserves to be called out and you should be apologising not saying ffs !
I came out of an abusive relationship and the worst thing you can do is lots of random men and another relationship. Why don’t you take some proper time out with ds and avoid relationships for a while. It’s the only way I broke the cycle . I don’t think you’ve given yourself enough time at all. Well done on your achievements with getting a house and a promotion . You’ve done great on not just giving up and pushing yourself forward x

This is lovely. Congratulations on your new home

@Jackblackcat

Ah of course, because a woman can't have casual sex without having boundary issues.

Like I said, I made my own risk assessments. I knew I had had covid and had the antibodies. I had about three weeks of shagging about in late July (when restrictions were a lot more lax) and then took it all a bit more seriously and had a lot of space between sexual partners.

There’s nothing casual about the time and focus required to find 25 people to have sex with in that space of time. And I’m not the Covid police at all, I’ve not followed every rule to the letter all the time, but the restrictions never came even close to lax enough to allowing for that amount of close-contact mixing. There was no possibility that you could accurately risk assess the health implications of that, and the ensuing potential risks to you and your child, in July with or without antibodies, and you admit that even if you hadn’t had antibodies you might not have changed your behaviour. And that’s without analysing the risks and unboundaried behaviour I was actually referring to in the first place, which wasn’t so much to do with Covid as to do with the level of emotional investment you clearly have in your love/sex life and how much time you’re devoting to it and thinking about it and talking about it, and how much credit you give your partner for pretty mediocre behaviour (would you be as impressed with a man who couldn’t do laundry and laughed “at least you know what you’re doing, babe”?) A year is no time at all to be split up from your abusive ex, shagging 25 people, then meeting a new partner who’s already met your child and you’re posting about the wonder of on the Internet.

I hope things work out well for you and your DS OP.

However, breaking up from an abuser, who I assume caused you some serious emotional damage, screwing lots of different men then getting into a new relationship in the space of a year doesn’t say well recovered and properly processed to me. I hope I’m wrong, but from the many times I’ve seen it before you’d be the exception.

Also the fact that you’ve posted on here makes me feel you’re a bit vulnerable.

I hope I’m wrong.

That you would so excitably post here at all is a red flag tbh. You're in the very early stages and you've not been tested at all. Everyone is on their best behaviour at the beginning. You're infatuated and putting him on a pedestal for perfectly normal behaviour. You don't sound like you're being careful at all with your own emotional well being and the fact that you have a child is even more worrying.

Agree with this 100%. OP said she had done the freedom programme but I can’t see anything from it being implemented in her relationships. P25 men in 3 weeks (so at least 1, in some cases 2 a day) isn’t showing any risk assessment, especially during a pandemic, exposing so many risks (not just pandemic wise) to herself and her child.

A lot has happened in such a short space of time you’ve have no time to heal and grow on your own.

I’m so happy you know what a healthy relationship looks like

Let's not count our chickens. So far, she knows what a new relationship looks like. This bloke has only been around since November. I'm sure her ex was all sweetness and light in the first 2-3 months too.

I dont like using BF.

Why on earth not? That's exactly what he is. He's a newish bloke you are seeing. BF is certainly more accurate than DP at this stage.

@FuriousWithTheNHS funny you should say that - my ex really wasnt. Actually cheated on me after a month, threatened to kill himself and then love bombed me. I have had a LOT of therapy over the years to understand why the fuck I did not walk away then. The culmination of which is what led me to end my marriage.

New guy is really nice, but I'm not putting him on a pedestal at all. I know his 'good' behaviour is just normal behaviour. That was the point of my post but I admit I didnt articulate that very well - not that I've found some amazing man, but that I'm now with someone who is just nice and normal. I'm aware of his flaws, and I'm ok with them.ive know him a long time even if the relationship is new, and I also know his last partner (who ended the relationship because she took a job abroad a year ago) and so i know his general behaviour is pretty decent.