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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To do a not-so-humble-brag about new DP?

179 replies

Jackblackcat · 10/01/2021 08:51

Ok bit of a trick question because I suppose this is more about me than him, but today marks one year since I finally kicked my abusive husband out. It took a lot for me to recognise the abuse (very rarely physical), but I did and it took everything I had to end the relationship and become a single mum.

I have done so much work on myself over the past twelve months. I did the freedom programme, I got a promotion at work, I dated and had plenty of casual (safe!) sex too, until I could figure out exactly what I was looking for.

I'm now in the very early stages of a new relationship with a lovely man, and have just moved into my new home which I have bought by myself. He helped me to move in, and over the past few days has shown me exactly what a healthy relationship looks like. He has gone above and beyond and I am so grateful for it, but the thing that really brought it home was building the flat pack furniture together. Because unlike my ex, who would be telling me I was getting it all wrong, and be swearing and getting aggressive if he couldn't make sense of the instructions, my new DP was laughing at how he kept getting parts of it the wrong way round and kept saying "at least you know what you're doing babe!".

He has been so fucking supportive of everything I am doing, and I had a little tear in my eye after he left last night (he wanted to go before my DS got back from his dads because "this is your moment, yours and his, it's important it's just the two of you this evening") because of how great he has been.

I'm still being cautious and staying alert for any red flags that might emerge, but I am so happy right now!

(Also before anyone picks up on it, yes he has met my DS, he was introduced to him as a friend of mine who was helping us move because he is my support bubble and the only person i had to help me lift the bug heavy furniture, so they met briefly for about an hour).

OP posts:
Xenia · 10/01/2021 10:18

Sounds good. If you get to the point of moving him in have a written cohabitation agreement and take legal advice. Also do check him out in terms of google, linkedin, land registry, companies house etc.

Doublefaced · 10/01/2021 10:19

@Candyfloss99

This is just a normal man. Don't fall into the trap of being so grateful for him being normal.
This.
Ohalrightthen · 10/01/2021 10:20

@OhioOhioOhio

speakout

Are there? Really?

Yes, lots! High expectations and low tolerance for bullshit, and you'll find them.
Suzi888 · 10/01/2021 10:20

Smile great news, best wishes for the future.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/01/2021 10:20

Congrats op, that’s lovely to read

Emeraldshamrock · 10/01/2021 10:24

You met this guy November. Hmm Grow up your poor DS after catching up on your posting history.

Octopus37 · 10/01/2021 10:25

That's lovely

Jackblackcat · 10/01/2021 10:26

Didnt have much choice but to introduce him, my sons dad would not have him any extra despite me moving and I had to get the furniture out of my rental by Friday and could not physically do that by myself whilst also watching a 4yo. And I didnt try to persuade him to stay last night either, he literally asked what time DS would be back and then said "I'll head off about half an hour before that then, give you two the time to enjoy your new place by yourselves", end of discussion.

My DS has not ever met any other "friend" of mine and wont be spending any more time around DP for quite a while.

No he wont be moving in, he owns his own place about 15 minutes away (mortgage free). I wont ever live with another partner whilst my son is living at home with me, I enjoy the freedom of living 'alone' and having my own space.

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 10/01/2021 10:30

Having read the other posts people mentioned as well as this one, it doesn’t sound like you’ve developed good boundaries or any risk assessment skills to be honest, and I agree the grateful tone/thinking a nice boyfriend is so noteworthy is concerning. You should be more careful.

partyatthepalace · 10/01/2021 10:33

So many congratulations OP!

This is a really cheering - and inspiring - post

Jackblackcat · 10/01/2021 10:34

Ah of course, because a woman can't have casual sex without having boundary issues.

Like I said, I made my own risk assessments. I knew I had had covid and had the antibodies. I had about three weeks of shagging about in late July (when restrictions were a lot more lax) and then took it all a bit more seriously and had a lot of space between sexual partners.

OP posts:
Wannabegreenfingers · 10/01/2021 10:37

This is lovely and brings me hope Flowers

tensmum1964 · 10/01/2021 10:38

He sounds lovely and it sounds like you deserve him. Have a lovely day x

Jackblackcat · 10/01/2021 10:38

Oh and one final defence, I didnt meet my DP in November. I have been dating him since then, known him for about two years.

OP posts:
Lady089 · 10/01/2021 10:38

@Jackblackcat - You have been with him since November, it’s early days!

Also sorry but you mention you had 25 sexual partners during a pandemic, you also admit to breaking the rules with this guy.
You sound massively irresponsible and selfish!

SparklyPixie · 10/01/2021 10:40

about 25 sexual partners between July and November.

I had an antibodies test through work quite early on in the pandemic though so knew I had antibodies, although if I'm honest I don't know if that would have changed my behaviour if I had not.

Been dating the same guy now since November and we have bubbled, even though technically breaking the rules still because he is not the person I bubbled with back in September.

From your thread - hardly being covid aware , no wonder we are in a total mess

Candyfloss99 · 10/01/2021 10:42

Honestly you don't have a clue what a man is like if you have been dating for 3 months. Of course he's still showing his best side. I think you need to take some time out to be alone.

nettie434 · 10/01/2021 10:43

I am really glad for you JackBlackCat. I found your post really cheering and agree that you need to be really proud of what you have achieved over the pst year. Here's hoping the next year is even better!

callmeadoctor · 10/01/2021 10:46

Mumsnet seems to have all threads being picked on by the Covid police lately! Its starting to get very dull. Is there anything Mumsnet HQ can do about this?

Chippychips5 · 10/01/2021 10:47

@Jackblackcat congratulations on all you have achieved you truly do sound like an amazing woman and are finally seeing your self worth. I have just left a relationship myself and now a single mum. Similar situations abusive only occasionally physical. Can I ask how did you find dating as a single parent? I've heard horror stories of men ghosting women as they have kids etc. However your story gives me hope. Enjoy every moment you deserve it

ashmts · 10/01/2021 10:47

God it gets worse. Grateful some sensible posters have arrived, I was reading the first page like wtf. Maybe I should brag about my DP who stepped up in April to work in ICU with no crit care experience because of people like OP who 'owns her own risks'. When will people realise this isn't about them as an individual? So so selfish. I'll keep my thoughts to myself re 2 month relationship.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 10/01/2021 10:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 10/01/2021 10:49

25?!

Bluesmartiesandpandapop · 10/01/2021 10:51

25 sexual partners in 4 months isn't just having some fun though is it? IME the people I know who have done things like that it's been a trauma response to being abused or raped, especially risky sexual behaviour which meeting strangers online during a pandemic seems like to me (the elements of risk taking, rule breaking, defying social norms etc.). Taking about 8 months to "heal" from an abusive relationship seems incredibly fast. I think you might not be as well as you think you are. Have you got any RL support with this? Or just done some reading? Ive known lots of people think they've found this perfect guy, and actually he's just still love bombing and it's the honeymoon period. It might work out it might not, he might be a nice normal guy, he might not. Regardless, I would be looking to get some support from other survivors.

chairthistle · 10/01/2021 10:51

@speakout

This is lovely- there are some amazing men out there.
I think that the OP has found the only one. YANBU OP, I'd be broadcasting it on a Picadilly Circus billboard.
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