...to have been so angry at my Mum

[CoolNoMore]

DH, DS1, DS2 and I are all living with my parents at the moment. They are generally amazing, very involved with the kids and my Dad has an excellent habit of doing all the washing up before anyone realises there is any. DS2 is a challenging 6 month old so I really do appreciate all their help.

However, my Mum is a dumbass sometimes. She gets overexcited about things and overlooks basic safety. Example: handing my 3 year old a blow torch. The torch was off and the safety catch was on, but surely I'm not the only person in the world to think that kids and blowtorches should be kept apart?!

Anyway. My parents arrived back from a walk with DS2 today, very excited and proud of themselves. He had been fussy, as usual, but today they decided to fix that by sitting him up in the bassinet, hood partially down so he could see out. He was at the far end of the bassinet, facing whoever was pushing. It's a tired old bugaboo, so although it's quite deep, the bassinet tips a little if weighted at either end.

I will readily admit that I'm an emotional, sleep-deprived hormone monster, but he looked like a small bump or an over-excited dog could have easily knocked him out. DH didn't see so is reserving judgement, but reckons that if I think it's unsafe that should be the end of the discussion.

I have never seen anyone propping up a wobbly six-month-old in a bassinet, except possibly in cartoons. When I furiously expressed my fears for DS2, my Mum was defensive and dismissive. She agreed not to do it again, but only because she recognises that the decision is mine to make, not because she thinks it's dangerous in any way. This makes it difficult to trust her judgement.

YABU: She managed to raise two kids, she knows what she's doing/ I'd have done the same thing
YANBU: That was really stupid and dangerous

"When I furiously expressed my fears"

Please expand on this...

(Although given the way this thread went no doubt there will be some back pedalling involved )

Once you've left home and had a family and a home of your own you find your own way of doing things.
If you then return home for whatever reason, you'll be finding childcare is ' how they've always done it'.
I don't think your Mum would let your Son come to any harm with a blow torch ( it's kinda ' out' there 😅)
Sitting your 6 month old up in the pram would do no harm.
I'd help out with chores, and not refer to your mum as a dumbass if you want to stay living there, it's only fair

Yabu and precious.

I don't think you realise how luck you are. Stop calling your helpful mum a dumbass. It's disrespectful.

"thanks to @Iminaglasscaseofemotion who was dosing out the sensible responses like a pro."

Or dramatic depending on how you want to look at it - user name fits though.

You called your parent who is helping you, and hosting you in their space a 'dumbass'. Think there definitely is one in the family and its not your mum.

Sorry yabu, I sat my girl up in her pram like this from 5 months till she was big enough for the buggy seat, she was absolutely fine wedged in with her blankets and it made her so happy to be able to watch the world go by.

You're living in your parents' home as an adult with your husband and two children, accepting free childcare and you expect to micromanage?

And you're rude about her and complain you're sleep deprived
Move out, provide for your own family and look after your own children - or be prepared to show your mother some respect.

@MutantNinjaCovid

You called your mother a dumbass

I got no further

"Didn't read the full OP, or the thread. Commented anyway"

I think if you'd explained more about the wider situation in your OP you would be getting different answers.

Most posters don't RTFT and have probably assumed that you are a burden on your parents by living there fulltime rent free and using them as free childcare.

Of course it is scary to hand a blowtorch to a 3 year old. I can't believe anyone is saying it isn't.

YANBU in respect of the blow torch or the wobbly bassinet.

Re: blow torch, even if the safety features were all in place surely the message to a 3 year old is "do not touch" because next time it might not be safe. Jeez, we didn't even let our kid touch our spectacles or sunglasses as we wanted to make sure he knew they were not toys for playing with. If a child isn't old enough to get the nuances of when they should and shouldn't play with a potentially dangerous object then the default should be "no touching".

Re: bassinet - no harm done, but clearly not something you'd risk yourself so if you're fortunate enough to have an open, honest chat with your mum then great! She doesn't have to agree with your assessment of the risk, but you'd hope she'd agree not to do someone that makes you worry again. Of course you and she will have different ideas about what is and isn't too risky - that's life - so it's up to you whether the benefits of help with childcare and your children having that close relationship outweighs any risk.

Wow your parents sound great, you just sound a bit tired and emotional and therefore reactive..its no big deal though.Your mum successfully raised 2 and is just of a different generation, she's said she'll listen to you so yep just a bit of hurriedly eaten humble pie with a thanks for all their input/roof over your heads-these arent big problems!

YANBU to be concerned whether your DC was safe.

YABU to furiously express your fears.

Why be furious though? Why not just say I don’t think that’s safe don’t do it again, end of? Then go in your room and go over all the scenarios in your head where he fell out the pram, as we mothers do.

If you can’t trust her judgement don’t leave your DC’s alone with her, you already think she’s irresponsible with the blow torch incident. She doesn’t have to agree with you but has to respect your wishes. And although it was your DMs idea your DF didn’t stop her or advise her not to so how come your not furious with him or his judgement?

YANBU. For the blow torch alone!

@Graciebobcat

If anything this is on you and your DH, a six month old should be sitting upright

What? Babies develop at their own pace, DD1 wasn't sitting up comfortably until she was 8 months old, DD2 about 6 months. Whether I put them lying down in a pram or sitting up in a pushchair made no difference to that whatsoever.

I meant upright in the pram ie not lying down

I don't think you should waste energy being upset over something which didn't happen

The baby was ok, nothing happened. Time to ditch the bassinet now:

I used to prop my babies up in the park basket... so they would see the world and stop whinging.

Yes, a blow torch shouldn’t be seen as a toy- agree with that one

So sad that you call the lady who raised you and is giving you support a dumbass. U clearly dont respect ur Mum.

You are ever so disrespectful.
The sooner you leave the better.

You have no idea how lucky you are. If you welcome help with your kids- including your parents taking your baby out without you- you have to understand the flip side is that they will make decisions while looking after him that you may not agree with. If they do something unsafe, then approach it constructively, rather than critically. A lot will have changed in the years between bringing you up, so cut them some slack.

Maybe it's best if you move out of your 'dumbass' mother's house then.

Geez, op has clearly said that it isn't disrespectful it's just how they talk to each other. Some people's families have different sense of humours.

OP I probably have been worried too (having also had a prem baby who was unable to sit up until wayyy after 6 months). But I wouldn't have 'furiously expressed my fears', I would have taken a mental note to not have them use that pram again. You say you only did because you wanted dc to nap on the walk, is that perhaps part of the issue here? That they instead propped ds up? If you feel that your parents cannot care for dc safely, then you need to stop letting them be alone with the dc really. Furiously telling them off doesn't seem to be working.

I also have a Bugaboo, and have sat 4 children up like you describe, in the pram part of it. No harm has ever come to any of them. I think YABU. Also, like you say, your parents have managed to raise their own children without you presumably horrendously injuring yourself on their watch, so I do think some perspective is needed, and perhaps an apology. I wouldn't even have worried about the blowtorch, it was off, an adult was there, what was going to happen?

@JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat

"thanks to *@Iminaglasscaseofemotion* who was dosing out the sensible responses like a pro."

Or dramatic depending on how you want to look at it - user name fits though.

Days a lot about someone when they start commenting on user names they don't get 🤣. Now it's dramatic to say its probably a bit dangerous to prop a 6 month old up in a pram incase they fall out, and not to hand a 3 year old a blow torch 🤣 ffs this place is nuts sometimes. It's becoming more common for an OP to be pounced on by a few posters, and the sheep to follow though.