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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to have been so angry at my Mum

154 replies

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 22:54

DH, DS1, DS2 and I are all living with my parents at the moment. They are generally amazing, very involved with the kids and my Dad has an excellent habit of doing all the washing up before anyone realises there is any. DS2 is a challenging 6 month old so I really do appreciate all their help.

However, my Mum is a dumbass sometimes. She gets overexcited about things and overlooks basic safety. Example: handing my 3 year old a blow torch. The torch was off and the safety catch was on, but surely I'm not the only person in the world to think that kids and blowtorches should be kept apart?!

Anyway. My parents arrived back from a walk with DS2 today, very excited and proud of themselves. He had been fussy, as usual, but today they decided to fix that by sitting him up in the bassinet, hood partially down so he could see out. He was at the far end of the bassinet, facing whoever was pushing. It's a tired old bugaboo, so although it's quite deep, the bassinet tips a little if weighted at either end.

I will readily admit that I'm an emotional, sleep-deprived hormone monster, but he looked like a small bump or an over-excited dog could have easily knocked him out. DH didn't see so is reserving judgement, but reckons that if I think it's unsafe that should be the end of the discussion.

I have never seen anyone propping up a wobbly six-month-old in a bassinet, except possibly in cartoons. When I furiously expressed my fears for DS2, my Mum was defensive and dismissive. She agreed not to do it again, but only because she recognises that the decision is mine to make, not because she thinks it's dangerous in any way. This makes it difficult to trust her judgement.

YABU: She managed to raise two kids, she knows what she's doing/ I'd have done the same thing
YANBU: That was really stupid and dangerous

OP posts:
Cantdoitallperfectly · 08/01/2021 23:19

YABU for calling your mum a dumbass.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:20

I have to say I hate it when women exhibit thinly veiled ageism by assuming older women are "dumb". She has far more experience of raising children than you do.

converseandjeans · 08/01/2021 23:21

I think you're over reacting. It sounds like he was fed up & bored lying down & much preferred sitting up. Mine were in a McLaren buggy by then rather than a pram. So then could look around and see what's going on. It also sounds like they help quite a bit.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:22

@EarlGreywithLemon

Oh, and my mother loves me and my daughter, but was still suggesting I get her to sleep on her tummy as a newborn to “help with her reflux”!!!
When you were a baby that was the advice. How is she supposed to know it's changed?
ThatLibraryMiss · 08/01/2021 23:26

my Dad has an excellent habit of doing all the washing up before anyone realises there is any

"I didn't realise there was any washing up" is an excuse that only works once. After that it's as bad as, "I'd have done it if you'd asked me to".

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 23:27

Ha, ok, ok, I retract the 'dumbass'! We tend to playfully mock each other in this family... a lot. I love her! I respect her, honest guv!

We had been living abroad and got stuck there thanks to covid, DS2 was born abroad and nobody could see him etc. Parents really wanted us to come to theirs to wait out the storm (even when not abroad we still live a flight away) so we did. So far they've refused any rent money, I think my Dad feels guilty about 'his generation', but I do keep offering. Anyway, money's irrelevant here, this is a safety question.

OP posts:
bubblicious3 · 08/01/2021 23:27

@EarlGreywithLemon

Oh, and my mother loves me and my daughter, but was still suggesting I get her to sleep on her tummy as a newborn to “help with her reflux”!!!
I have an 11 year old - when he was a baby all the advice was 'back to sleep'. However, as he had bad reflux my paed consultant told me to lay him on his front. So that's not such terrible advice (and it worked)
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:29

How come you're not mad at your dad if he was on the walk?

I really hope you don't call your mum a dumbass "as a joke" then whine at her that she's not taking care of your baby properly?

Cocopogo · 08/01/2021 23:29

Why is your baby in a rickety old pram? If you are that bothered?
A lot of flatbed prams have a seated option or at least they did ten years ago.

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 23:30

@Brefugee My Dad's quick! Also, it's 'his thing'. I cook! Promise!

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:32

Look OP nothing happened, your baby is fine. If anything this is on you and your DH, a six month old should be sitting upright, you need to change the pram attachment and stop blaming your lovely mum. Though don't expect the offer of help next time you're sleep deprived!

BritWifeinUSA · 08/01/2021 23:32

Just for calling your mother a dumbass you are extremely unreasonable. Even more so when she’s providing you with a place to live and helping out with childcare.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/01/2021 23:36

Weord that people on here have decided that you only get a say in your child's daftey of you are paying your parents rent or doing the dishes Confused. Neither of those things relates to the safety of your child.
A lot of things were advised years ago that are not advised now, that doesn't mean younout up and shut up Confused.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 08/01/2021 23:38

Bloody Hell - you are so disrespectful towards your parents!!!

Here's an idea - you move out of their house and stand on your own two feet.

Get your own place whilst paying all relevant bills - gas, electric, water, council tax, home insurance, contents insurance, rent/mortgage etc etc. Then you don't need to come onto a public forum and whinge about people who are helping you and not doing anything untoward!!!

FFS GROW UP!!!

Robbybobtail · 08/01/2021 23:39

You’re being ridiculous and who the hell calls their mum a dumbass?

Learn some respect!

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 23:39

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion Top name. Yes, it's a good point. It's particularly irrelevant because my Mum's relationship with her Mum was difficult and she has said MANY times that she wants me to tell her if I'm ever upset with her (or in her words, 'being a twat')

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:39

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion but the baby wasn't unsafe - and as I said, it should have been on the OP and her DH to change the pram attachment. A 6 month old doesn't need to be in a bassinet.

What was her mum supposed to do anyway, push the baby over for him to spring back up?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 23:40

she wants me to tell her if I'm ever upset with her (or in her words, 'being a twat')

That doesn't mean you can lose it over absolutely nothing

Robbybobtail · 08/01/2021 23:41

And yes, a 6 month old should be starting to sit up in a pram unless babies have changed a lot since I had mine?

BakedTattie · 08/01/2021 23:41

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you op

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 08/01/2021 23:42

YABU you need to relax

The blowtorch is a complete non-issue as is the pram really. He was facing them, they'd have caught him if need be.

I think you owe your mum an apology but surely with kids as young as that, parents on hand, DH there and no work to do you should be able to get enough rest?!

Rexasaurus · 08/01/2021 23:42

Doesn’t the pram have a seat attachment that can then lie down if he naps?

Mine had outgrown the bassinet/carrycot attachment before 6months. They always like to see out.

Sounds like your mum had good intentions op, she just didn’t implement them in a way you were comfortable with.

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 08/01/2021 23:43

Is a bassinet a carrycot?!

Why is he still in that? No wonder they sat him up

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 23:43

Calm thyselves, all. We have a house. It's a lovely house. I miss that house. Parents were missing us when we were abroad, and getting stuck there during covid was really not fun. It was sggested that we move in with them on our return and never leave. I have suggested that we stay until things calm down a bit. Honestly, we love each other and have (very) open lines of communication. Possibly a bit, uh, flowery for some people. It works for us.

The question was framed badly, I wanted to know if it seemed unsafe.

And we do have a pushchair. It's sitting beside the pram. They had chosen the pram.

OP posts:
CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 23:46

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows Spring up?! DS2 is a talented little dude, but he's not quite capable of sitting up on his own - she had propped him up.

OP posts: