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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to have been so angry at my Mum

154 replies

CoolNoMore · 08/01/2021 22:54

DH, DS1, DS2 and I are all living with my parents at the moment. They are generally amazing, very involved with the kids and my Dad has an excellent habit of doing all the washing up before anyone realises there is any. DS2 is a challenging 6 month old so I really do appreciate all their help.

However, my Mum is a dumbass sometimes. She gets overexcited about things and overlooks basic safety. Example: handing my 3 year old a blow torch. The torch was off and the safety catch was on, but surely I'm not the only person in the world to think that kids and blowtorches should be kept apart?!

Anyway. My parents arrived back from a walk with DS2 today, very excited and proud of themselves. He had been fussy, as usual, but today they decided to fix that by sitting him up in the bassinet, hood partially down so he could see out. He was at the far end of the bassinet, facing whoever was pushing. It's a tired old bugaboo, so although it's quite deep, the bassinet tips a little if weighted at either end.

I will readily admit that I'm an emotional, sleep-deprived hormone monster, but he looked like a small bump or an over-excited dog could have easily knocked him out. DH didn't see so is reserving judgement, but reckons that if I think it's unsafe that should be the end of the discussion.

I have never seen anyone propping up a wobbly six-month-old in a bassinet, except possibly in cartoons. When I furiously expressed my fears for DS2, my Mum was defensive and dismissive. She agreed not to do it again, but only because she recognises that the decision is mine to make, not because she thinks it's dangerous in any way. This makes it difficult to trust her judgement.

YABU: She managed to raise two kids, she knows what she's doing/ I'd have done the same thing
YANBU: That was really stupid and dangerous

OP posts:
TheTangoTerrorIsTerrifying · 09/01/2021 00:41

YANBU in my view with the pram situation and the blow torch. I’m amazed by most of the responses and the poll results!

CoolNoMore · 09/01/2021 00:41

@Stroller15 Yes, fair. I really was just wanting to know if people thought it was safe or not. I guess I gave way too much detail and distracted from the question.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 00:42

@JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat

Oh come on. A supervised 3 year old is not managing to switch on a blowtorch
Crazier things have happened.
StillMedusa · 09/01/2021 00:43

I think, and I mean it kindly.. that you need to trust your parents !
Blow torch.. off, safety catch on.. is just an object.
6 month old should be seeing the world , not still in a carrycot unless they have some medical need top be flat... mine had an old fashioned proper pram and from about 5 months could be propped up to see the world..none of them ever kamikazi-d over the side :) Babies alsonod off just fine in pushchairs...

I also think you should be a bit more grateful and a hell of a lot less critical given your circumstances! I'm the Mum/Gran in a similar scenario.. my dd2 and her dh are living with us, expecting their first baby and I shall be doing some of the child care. I'm perfectly aware of current guidelines (weaning.safety etc) but also.. having successfully raised 4 of my own, I'm also capable of assessing risk and not being neurotic and your attitude towards your Mum is both rude, insulting and actually quite surprising considering your DS is not your first born. And dismissive of your Dad.. people who are homing and helping you.

You need to apologise, and also consider your own attitude. And perhaps get a pair of reins for use in the pram ... worry solved!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 00:44

@auberginesarenottheonlyveg

You have NO idea how jealous people with no help would be if your situation. Three adults to two children. I could only dream. AND they are putting you up in addition; is this to save fir a deposit.

You sound a total Pain In The Arse. Your post is so pompous and precious. “Oh but I have a six month old ... that excuses me ..”

Eh? Have you read any other posts? The OP says she has her own house. The 6 month old is pretty crystal to the story, why would the OP not bring that up. What a weird post.
AIMD · 09/01/2021 00:45

The blow torch thing is a bit on the boarder. If they were sat with helping him look at it fair enough. Less ok if they allowed him to wonder odd with it and play alone with it.

Yea I think you need to let the pram thing go. I’ve see. Lots of people doing that.

BusterTheBulldog · 09/01/2021 00:49

Ah op, you sound nice and they sound nice. The blowtorch thing (!) is odd but the pram thing sounds less so. Just tell her and move on Smile

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/01/2021 00:53

When I furiously expressed my fears for DS2

You seem to be retreating in the face of opinions here OP.

Ha, ok, ok, I retract the 'dumbass'! We tend to playfully mock each other in this family... a lot.

So which was it? Fury or playful mocking? (My money's on the former.)

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/01/2021 00:54

^^

PS. And as your thread title is AIBU to have been so angry at my mum?

CoolNoMore · 09/01/2021 00:56

@BusterTheBulldog aw, thanks buddy! And thanks to @Iminaglasscaseofemotion who was dosing out the sensible responses like a pro.

The baby is actually asleep in the cot. Wtf. I'm going to bed! Sorry to those who got upset - my love and respect for my Mum is unrivalled. We are chums, pals, buddies... and we value each others' input. Even when it comes in the form of 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUMBASS?!'*

*I have never said this to her. She has, however, called me a twat. And rightly so.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 09/01/2021 00:56

[quote CoolNoMore]@Stroller15 Yes, fair. I really was just wanting to know if people thought it was safe or not. I guess I gave way too much detail and distracted from the question.[/quote]
Your right it's not safe for more than one reason not just if they bounce out but also for a potential issue if falling asleep and head flop/airway.

When things have calmed down I would explain that you know they meant well but please don't repeat in future and if you have a reclining seat suggest that as they can put them up a bit in it but then lay back down and is safer.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 09/01/2021 01:05

I think the blow torch issue is more like, don't flaunt it as something children can play with because the 3yo might think "Ooh there's that cool toy" when he does see it switched on? So I do get that OP!

Even though on the whole I think YABU, I also think if you'd posted that this was your MIL and not your mum you'd have had almost unanimous support (not from me of course I think everyone's a dick WinkGrin)

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 01:12

[quote CoolNoMore]**@BusterTheBulldog* aw, thanks buddy! And thanks to @Iminaglasscaseofemotion* who was dosing out the sensible responses like a pro.

The baby is actually asleep in the cot. Wtf. I'm going to bed! Sorry to those who got upset - my love and respect for my Mum is unrivalled. We are chums, pals, buddies... and we value each others' input. Even when it comes in the form of 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUMBASS?!'*

*I have never said this to her. She has, however, called me a twat. And rightly so.[/quote]
Ah unfortunately OP you have committed the cardinal sin of getting free "childcare" from your parents, AND you live in their house, so you could have come on here and said "aibu to be really annoyed that my parents strapped my 6 month old to the roof of the car for a 3 hour journey?" And the responses of "you are being precious" and "you sound really ungrateful" would have still come rolling in 😂

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 01:14

Even though on the whole I think YABU, I also think if you'd posted that this was your MIL and not your mum you'd have had almost unanimous support

As much as I have disagreed with you through the last couple of pages, I completely agree with this.

SisterlyCare · 09/01/2021 01:16

I’m jealous you have mum and dad that care this much

Cherish them

You sound a bit sleep deprived

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 09/01/2021 01:16

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yep and it would have been "A blow torch? Call 111. NOW" Grin

Getoutofbed25 · 09/01/2021 01:17

I’m sure I did something similar but had reins on my son so it harnessed him in and he couldn’t fall out. About the same time I changed to the buggy so he could see better

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/01/2021 01:35

@SisterlyCare

I’m jealous you have mum and dad that care this much

Cherish them

You sound a bit sleep deprived

So people should allow their children to be put in situations they consider dangerous, because you and some others are jealous that the OP has decent parents?
disneybee · 09/01/2021 02:06

YANBU. You are in full-flight protective mother mode. You are being hyper vigilant about your childrens' safety - just like you are supposed to be! Don't beat yourself up about it.

My mum raised 4 of us without any of us dying, don't get me wrong i have still seen her 'lose' a 3yo nephew for a good ten minutes at a tourist spot (hissing "Don't tell your sister about this!!" at me), also watched her feed baby nephew oatcakes then hang him upside down to get it out when he was choking, also saw her absent-mindedly feed another baby nephew using a fork while chatting to others until my brother very diplomatically replaced it with a plastic spoon while reminding her to look at where she's putting the fork, also had to remind her of my own DD's potentially lethal peanut allergy when she served up some homemade peanut cookies.... also many childhood memories of being in vaguely dangerous situations myself..... But do I trust her with my kids? Of course I do. I just 'helicopter mom' around her whenever I can. Oh how we laugh about it....

Basically, your Mum is maybe not quite a 'dumbass', but it HAS been a long time since her children were babies... you are allowed to feel anxious and vigilant!

We will no doubt be in her situation one day, if we are as lucky as her to have grandchildren! In the meantime, good luck and you are doing a grand job being a Mum Flowers (as I'm sure your Mum did too!) xx

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2021 02:15

No it doesn't sound safe, yes I'd trust your Mom to catch him. Get some sleep,give her a hug tomorrow and say you're sorry for being an idiot, then ask her is she's take them BOTH (Buggy not pram) and sneak some extra sleep

apalledandshocked · 09/01/2021 02:15

As far as "what would have happened if the bassinet had tipped over" to be honest, almost certainly the baby would have fallen out onto the floor and screamed its head of/got covered in mud but been absolutely fine. Your parents would have felt terrible and you would have been (understandably) furious but no worse would have happened. What I am saying is whilst I can understand you being concerned, I dont think they put her in a life or death type scenario (unless they were pushing the buggy along the edge of the cliff in which case I take all this back). I do understand how you feel. I got really cross with my dad when we were shopping and he popped some tins into the babies pram (it was about 2 months old). I was very cross - what if the cans had rolled under the babies head onto the squishy part and brain damaged him??? But although I dont think its a good idea to keep cans in the pram (and also Why??????) with some distance I think the chances of permanent brain damage were slim.

apalledandshocked · 09/01/2021 02:20

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Even though on the whole I think YABU, I also think if you'd posted that this was your MIL and not your mum you'd have had almost unanimous support

As much as I have disagreed with you through the last couple of pages, I completely agree with this.

I do agree that would probably be the case. ALthough, with a mother in law it is more likely the issue would have slowly simmered until reaching explosive point OR that the mother in law would have felt attacked and hurt at being called out. Or both. Mothers and daughters are more likely (and it seems to be the case for the OP) to have the sort of relationship where one can say "dont do that you idiot" to the other, or someone can get really snarky at something petty because they are stressed but things return to normal afterwards.
apalledandshocked · 09/01/2021 02:27

But just re the blow torch - my three year old could fetch a chair from the kitchen (quietly) and put it under the front door, then stand on the chair and unlatch the top of the door and open the door handle so the door was a tiny bit open. Then climb of the chair and move it out of the way so he could open the door fully and escape to freedom!!! (I know all of this because I watched him do it all before catching him as he headed on out). The point being they are unbelievably smart when it comes to doing dangerous stuff so I think you are right not to trust him with a blowtorch!

NiceandCalm · 09/01/2021 02:39

Absolutely do not let a child handle a blow torch and I wouldn't be happy about the propping up of a 6mth old in a pram. It doesn't matter how great your parents are, they must know potential dangers when they happen.
I've had similar issues with my parents, who are wonderful but sometimes lacking in judgement (for want of a better word) because their generation were so relaxed about risk factors. Health and safety didn't exist when I was growing up!
I think I'd just say 'sorry I had a bit of a go at you. I do trust you and am just an anxious mum'. I'm sure she'll understand.

Graciebobcat · 09/01/2021 02:41

If anything this is on you and your DH, a six month old should be sitting upright

What? Babies develop at their own pace, DD1 wasn't sitting up comfortably until she was 8 months old, DD2 about 6 months. Whether I put them lying down in a pram or sitting up in a pushchair made no difference to that whatsoever.