To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

My Mum worked a lot all through my childhood, I don't resent it, I know she had no choice, my parents needed the money. But I was passed round relatives at weekends/holidays and wouldn't admit to being poorly because I knew it would be difficult for Mum to take time off work. In secondary school I had CFS and depression and I would have loved her to be around more.

I wanted to be home more for DD, although not full-time as she got older, but I married someone who was frequently relocated and I became a trailing spouse.
DD ironically has some of the same health problems as I had when I was a teen, so I'm still at home full time.
It's fine, I do have my own money from various house renovations (one plus of frequent relocations), and I have no problem filling my time. I do wonder about people who say how do SAHM spend their time? How can you not be busy and find things to do? I have list as long as my arm.

Plus the pandemic has really shown the holes in society expecting families to consist of two full time working parents, with the burden for all the extra childcare seeming to fall on the mother. So many families were already running themselves ragged before the pandemic, juggling commuting, homework, sickness, elderly relatives, and the pandemic is the last straw.

But he thing I hate most is the comment that Mums are setting their 'girl-children' an example by going out to work. The amount of people I know who want to do things differently to their own parents (me included!), these things just go in cycles as it's practically impossible to get the balance right. Some of DD's friends have said how much they hated being in childcare and they want to have their kids younger and be there for them more and DD (who did go to nursery, but very part time and loved it) wants a career 🤷😆

My mother was a SAHM and left her job upon becoming pregnant with my older sibling. I respect her for the dedication she put into our upbringing, collecting us from school, and generally being there, it also supported my fathers profession whom without her taking on this role our family life would have been entirely different. Looking back we spent alot of time with her that many of my friends didn't since they went to childminders etc. after school and in school holidays.
It was her choice but I whilst it is an unpaid job it is in no way easy and did not come without personal sacrifice.
Being in paid employment is not the only way of instilling a work ethic in your children. My mother worked tirelessly to run and maintain the house, prepare food, laundry and ensure we were able to pursue hobbies and interests all of which I truly admire her for.

I was a SAHM for a few years and they were the best years of my life. And as a household I was able to run the house well so we were really happy as a family too. Housework done during the day so that weekends were for days out and fun.

I was never bored but then I love playing with children, cutting out and sticking and all that.

I was only actually a SAHM for about 4 years as I then got a job as a PT teaching assistant for the next 4 years. But I was still there for my DC before and after school and during the holidays.

I love my DM dearly, but her changing jobs to get promotions meant my changing schools 4 times. I started secondary school with a big bald patch where I'd pulled my hair out.

DH, on the other hand had his DM at home until he was 11. I definitely preferred the sound of his childhood to mine.

We took a big risk at the time as I was very well paid and the higher earner - DH's career was just taking off. However while DS had been fine at nursery but DD definitely wasn't. So we decided to put DC first.

It also allowed me to spend time with my DM and help with my wonderful DGM for her last years.

I've not asked recently, but when I asked DC when they were at secondary school if they would have preferred to have a working mum the answer was a resounding no.

Now that DS is at Uni and DD about to go I wonder if their answers would be different.

DS is very ambitious and hard working at Uni. DD had excellent GCSE grades and was predicted all A* at A level. I think that she'd like to have the same options as me but is horrified by how much she would have to earn nowadays to have a lifestyle like ours.

I'm now working in a low wage administration role. I actually prefer routine to challenge. I couldn't face going back to my previous career - too long hours and too much travel for no reason. Plus I'd been out of it for too long.

If I'd stayed in my career we would undoubtedly had a lot more in savings to set the DC up in future, but I'd have hardly seen them.

I think for us as a family it was the right choice.

Sorry that was a bit of an essay!!

Your husband loves his job and there is no resentment there that he support solely the whole family, so that's good.

Really it all comes down to the security of your marriage. Many couple break up after 20 years together. If anything having been with only one seriously can trigger men to want to explore what else is there before it's too late.

Of course it doesn't happen to all but it has for quite a few couple friends in the late 40s, early 50s that I considered the most secure and loving marriages.

You say you have an inheritance but how much would that secure you when in divorce all would need to shared?

My grand mother was a sahm. My dad's dad left her for his secretary when he was 45 (and secretary was 30). She got a bit more than half of everything which got her a house and a bit of money coming in, but she still had to work in low paid but hard work in her late 50s when she suffered from health issues and she then had a very restricted life in retirement, often relying on my dad to help her financially which she hated.

She always told me to secure my future. She said she had a great 20 years at home looking after my dad and a life of leisure but it was a tough price to pay for another 40 years of struggles.

I've worked full time, part time, and stayed home. I'm now home for the last 10 years of my children's school/ university type ages, because of my children's disabilities.

I loathe it. Nearly every moment. I love my children deeply, and have pretty much given up any chance of any job/ life away from them, and that's just the way it is.

There is literally no way around it.

Despite this, we are very lucky, because I can afford to do this, and not starve. Maybe no job, no holidays etc., and honestly, working outside the home is my favourite thing I've ever done, but I do get very snarky (internally) about anyone being at home if they can do something else, it's such a waste. Total waste. I know, I'm a cow, but I just cannot see the pleasure in being able to attend every single school event, rather than maybe 1 a term. And being able to cook absolutely from scratch rather than just 3-4 days a week.

I'm trying to think of other things. Extra clean house, rather than "it will do" clean? No.

But I am not proud of myself. I know I'm bitter, and judgemental, but there it is. Yes, I hate the ideas that it perpetuates the women must stay home stereotype.

There's a big difference between joint parenting/ working plans, studying, whatever, and being entirely flexible all the time to whatever your children need. I just think it's ... not the best example.

I haven't read all the thread, so none of this is alluding to anyone else. Just the grinch in my brain.

My mum.was never home. My little brother and I had to get home ourselves after school and everything, which was fine and be on our own until about 7pm, but it's made me really and truly appreciate being with my children now. They've experienced both my husband and I working all hours and gone all hours and they say they love it when one of us is home. My son tells me how safe he feels when he knows I'm here and he's at school. I'm retired early at 40 and absolutely no regrets, being a sahp is just absolutely works for our family, but no judgement here for other families, you just do what works best for.you.

When I was a sahm, we could barely afford it, we sacrificed so much, lived on the bread line but it was worth it.
It triggers me when people say, your lucky to be able to afford to stay at home. Whilst they did home extensions, new kitchen, regular expensive beauty treatments, 2 cars, holidays. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from the replying that those life extras were at that time irrelevant to me, it was more important to be with the dc. Especially when they were non verbal, there was no way I was handing them over.

When I wash a sahm my dc were young and had no idea other dc were in nurseries so what would they think?

For the past 4 years I've been back at work, so I bet that's all they remember! And now I feel as rich as midas being able to afford small luxuries!

@MummaBear4321 if I have understood correctly your not yet a SAHM? You should read closely to what others are saying and the affair boards on here.

You will always have your qualifications but once you have children things change so many things.

That’s like me saying to you I used to go to the gym 3x a week before having DS and now I don’t. Of course I could find childcare so I could attend a gym 3x a week it’s not the same though is it?

Also, the young years go so quickly, it seems like a life time ago and already the teen has shifted their axis away from our world.

Being in paid employment is not the only way of instilling a work ethic in your children. My mother worked tirelessly to run and maintain the house, prepare food, laundry and ensure we were able to pursue hobbies and interests all of which I truly admire her for.

Thing is though working parents do this too, working families need to do laundry, shop, cook etc, our kids go to after school activities. Apart from picking up our kids from school a few nights a week (we use after school club for 2 hours) I can't think of a literal thing a SAHP would do that DH and I don't. I absolutely expect my children to understand what goes into running a house and to respect it, but don't see it as a role in itself tbh. If two parent households actually shared the house and childcare, there really isn't a need to make it a "job" for one person that can leave them in a vulnerable position.

For context though women have changed so much over the decades. Many years ago it was very common for women to stay at home after marriage or children, now it’s the minority and declining every year.

Currently eighty percent of mothers work. There is a lot of stay at home mums on this site which can skew it some what, but in real life, four out of every five mothers work and that’s increasing every year.

All this arguing back and forth - children I different households will always view things differently to how another child might see it. Some love their parents working. Some hate it. Some are ambivalent. Some grow up vowing to do things differently and be home for their children/work away from their children. You simply cannot know how these little humans will think and feel.about it all until later in life.

My mum worked part time for a bit and then was a stay at home mum. My parents divorced and she now has a house that is falling down, a miserable life because she's permanently skint because she had no pension and it will never get better for her.
I'm sorry but I don't think anyone being a SAHM is a good idea. Even if you are married you aren't safe if you divorce.

@HecouldLickEm I really, really, really respect this. That's what I think when people say they ' need ' to work. I am not a stay at home mum because I want all those things that my husband's salary on its own can't get us to. So I'm not going to pretend and feel sorry for myself to having to work. I choose to do it for my own ego and so we can have a more luxurious lifestyle.

If I'm honest , not that I would ever say this in RL, I always assume they are a bit dumb and unimaginative, especially if the children are older

My son tells me how safe he feels when he knows I'm here and he's at school
And I asked my kids how they felt growing up with a mum at work and going to breakfast and after-school clubs and both have said that they were very happy that I did because not oy it meant that finances allowed them to enjoy things they would have missed out on otherwise but also install them with a sense of independence and initiative that they see their peers who had a stay at home home lacking.

I don't think one is always best or worse for the kids, it really depend on the child. They are also working mums who are j credibly hands on and sahm who spend all their time on the sofa and social media.

Only the kids can later say whether they would have wished it differently and hope you've done the right thing!

run and maintain the house, prepare food, laundry and ensure we were able to pursue hobbies and interests

I work and I do this.

Different strokes for different folks. Some women need to have a life away from home and family, others find it enough.
I'm a SAHM, and consider myself lucky that we are in a financial position to be able to do this. Once my children are born settled in school I may find a part time job, but we are rural so options are more limited and I think more families round here have a SAHM, or are a farmer's wife!
You have to do what makes you and your family happy.
I think there are a lot more opportunities for hobbies etc these days and SAHMs aren't 'chained to the sink' anymore.

I massively admire SAHMs! There's no way I could do it. Expecting DC2 imminently, and I already know I'll be back working once Mat leave is over. To be honest my part time salary doesn't stretch that far, but it does help a bit. I also enjoy my job and I enjoy that it's just for me (although I'd hate to do it full time). I think being a SAHM must be really hard (especially at the moment with such limitations) and I know I'd find it very difficult. I take my hat off to you all!

My mum was a stay at home parent for most of my childhood until my teens and beyond. She had 4 children and the youngest was 17 years younger than me. I don’t think badly of her. It was nice that she was always around without having to worry about childcare etc!

I admire working parents too. Juggling it all!

For now I am a stay at home parent. I have two with sen so it makes it a little harder. My partner works and earns enough to get us by comfortably. I do plan to go back to work even just part time for my own sanity but I don’t think I’m ever going to have a career! It’s likely that I’ll be caring for DS when he’s adult so I just don’t think a career is going to happen for me! I’m okay with that though.

Lazy buggers- no I'm kidding lol. My mum was a SAHM and worked damn hard. It's a relentless job

I was a sahm when kids little, but youngest started school this year so I went fulltime. My dc love that I work (I'm primary teacher) and I feel better having my own stuff going on. I enjoyed being sahm and doing playgroup etc. But once their at school not sure what sure I would do all day?

When I was a sahm, we could barely afford it, we sacrificed so much, lived on the bread line but it was worth it.

Children should not be raised in poverty or near poverty by choice. They need provision as much as everything else.

@patchworkthedog

Lazy buggers- no I'm kidding lol. My mum was a SAHM and worked damn hard. It's a relentless job

I think this is only true when the kids are young. When they get older I don’t see that to be honest.