To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Curiously in my experience most stay at home mothers do not teach their daughters that this is something to aspire to either. Very few are saying “ideally marry someone with enough money so you can stay home and have babies” . They encourage their daughters not to do as they have done, Whilst simultaneously proclaiming they are happy with their choice and not wishing to work themselves.

That's been my experience too.

Try meeting my mother then 😆 she never explicitly says this of course but her comments of ‘oh so and so has married such and such and he’s got plenty of money’ and ‘so and so’s going out with a lawyer’ shows me that actually she would have been prouder of me had I got myself a well paid husband, rather than the fact that I am actually well paid all on my own. Hopefully she’s in the minority 😂

@Member869894

If I'm honest , not that I would ever say this in RL, I always assume they are a bit dumb and unimaginative, especially if the children are older

You are wrong to think this. Three SAHMs I know with older DC are some of the most imaginative, dynamic and intelligent people I know and I respect each of them hugely.

Since September last year I have been a stay at home mum to children who are all in full time education. This does not make me lazy as one poster suggested. I was in employment before I had my children and maybe I will go back to doing some kind of work but for the moment I wanted to carry on being at home for them while deciding what to do long term. It seems some people can not get over the fact that I am not contributing to society by getting a paid salary. Why does it bother you so much what my situation is? Things aren't always black and white and you have no idea what someone might be going through which hinders them from getting a job. The parents at my children's school probably cant understand why I don't work but they have no idea about my ongoing anxiety and also some physical health problems as I screen it well. My husband does not begrudge being the sole breadwinner. We are a family unit and this is the set up that works for us. We are not mega rich by the way, we live modestly and to our means.
In the current climate me being a sahp has been a godsend as I am home for the children through lockdown and can focus on helping them with their online school work and haven't got the stress of trying to work alongside it all. Each to their own though, people should do what works for their own family unit and it should be noone elses business.

I've always been a SAHM but partly by accident. We had already decided I'd stay home as my husband had a job that took him abroad on short contracts sometimes. I had my own money as well as I had just sold my house (which we used to pay off the mortgage and put me on the deeds). I had planned to go back when the oldest started Primary, but then I had a back operation and then my husband had a heart operation (all fine now) two months later. He was taking smaller, local contracts then my parents became very much in need of help so I've been very busy with them (kids 12 and 10 now). Eventually my husband took early retirement and we enjoy having the time together so I'm still home! I am probably going to do some private teaching (at home) when things get back to normal.
My kids do like having us around and we've both been able to help so much with their school work.

From my perspective I don’t think anything of it. It simply isn’t a part of my life. My mother is a professor at a university in the country where I am originally from. Thinking about my aunts - we have a mathematics teacher, a head teacher, a botanist, an accountant and a barrister. Those were my aunts. Coming to my female cousins - they are myself (an academic like mum), an engineer (the daughter of the botanist), a solicitor (daughter of the barrister), a postdoc in biology (second daughter of botanist) and an academic (daughter of mathematics teacher).

If I need examples of SAHMs I can think of my grandmothers. They lived in a time/space in my country of origin where women working was unthinkable. One of them was taken out of formal education aged 14 owing to national unrest and married off.

It simply wasn’t a part of the landscape when I grew up amidst my mum and aunts and it isn’t the landscape amidst me and my female cousins. It never was an option to consider. It’s not that I think anything of it - it just is not a thing that ever featured for me. Thinking about it now - currently with a 5 year old and an 11 month old - would I quit my career? Absolutely not. It just makes no sense to me. But that doesn’t mean I judge someone else for it

@Member869894 so only work can make you intelligent and imaginative ??

@Aquagirl19

Since September last year I have been a stay at home mum to children who are all in full time education. This does not make me lazy as one poster suggested. I was in employment before I had my children and maybe I will go back to doing some kind of work but for the moment I wanted to carry on being at home for them while deciding what to do long term. It seems some people can not get over the fact that I am not contributing to society by getting a paid salary. Why does it bother you so much what my situation is? Things aren't always black and white and you have no idea what someone might be going through which hinders them from getting a job. The parents at my children's school probably cant understand why I don't work but they have no idea about my ongoing anxiety and also some physical health problems as I screen it well. My husband does not begrudge being the sole breadwinner. We are a family unit and this is the set up that works for us. We are not mega rich by the way, we live modestly and to our means. In the current climate me being a sahp has been a godsend as I am home for the children through lockdown and can focus on helping them with their online school work and haven't got the stress of trying to work alongside it all. Each to their own though, people should do what works for their own family unit and it should be noone elses business.

Obviously it's great that you can now do the homeschooling, but may I ask: what do you mean by "being home for them" before the pandemic and homeschooling kicked off? What does this cover?

I can't see any benefits of being SAHM past Reception age

Everyone I know who works FT with flex / wfh or longer condensed days eg NHS

No parents I know ever missed school events they wanted to attend unless an NHs worker on a shift day

I think the school events / sickness reason is more for 1990s/2000s tbh

Virtually all mothers I know in London work FT or 4 days and most of the dads attend events school pick up sick kids etc

Maybe the issue is ensuring that women are highly educated and find high status jobs so men and women can be equal as parents

If someone want to be and can afford to be a stay at home mum then good for you. I have no problem with anyone being at home as so long as they do a decent job as a parent.

I say that as my own mother was a SAHM and I have very little respect for her. She never spent any time with us, was quite abusive, the house was an absolute tip and my poor father had to work so many hours to pay for her ridiculous spending habits. She point blank refused to get a job to help out when they were massively struggling financially and I’ve known my dad do 18 hour days to try to make ends meet. So basically I massively judge her as she completely failed at her one and only job and made my poor dads, and to be fair, her children’s lives miserable.

I think I would have always gone back to work once my children were at school as I would have been too afraid of turning into my mother (thought I doubt I would, we are very different). But I would have loved to be able to afford to stay home when my kids were small. One of the dds friends mums hasn’t worked since she had children. The kids are now all at secondary, but she is like the perfect SAHM, always baking, decorating and organising school events. She seems to mostly be fairly busy even though she doesn’t work. They have plenty of money and her not working is no finical strain. I don’t judge her at all, she’s doing a great job and it works for her family.

@silverfonze completely agree, I think some people have a bit of an outdated view of what it is to be a working parent in the UK these days. My experience is vastly different from my mum's, and a lot of the portrayals on tv for that matter.

[quote stufftosay]@TableFlowerss I think this is a good example. I could easily be a SAHM if I was happy with the size of the current house we live in. But I want more. I want a 5 bed detached house with two new cars and private school. But I don't NEED that. Neither does my child. I want to have a great career, I don't NEED that. I put my own ego needs above being a SAHM and it's not something I'm proud of. I suspect many people are like this. They could stay at home and live a humbler life, but they want more, so they work. But if you can pay for full time nursery, it's not a necessity for you to go to work. [/quote]
Exactly this! Your children will also reel the rewards of your choice.

reap

[quote Caplin]@TrickQuestions what do you do that a PT job is 50 hours a week 🥴

I do a four day week with 2 (school age) kids and life is peachy! A 5 day week had me on my knees, but 4 days is perfect.[/quote]
I'm a teacher.

@shallbe @silverfonze - agree but I also think there is a clustering effect. In my bit of London what you describe is the norm but if you go to Hampstead you'll find loads of SAHMs married to very wealthy men. In some areas of the country, SAHMs are the norm and the infrastructure, e.g. wraparound care etc just isn't there

I wouldn't judge a SAHM, but it's a risk I have asked my DDs to consider very seriously. This is because I've watched too many of my friends who were SAHMs be cheated on by their husbands and left with nothing. They've all got back up and sorted themselves out, but it's been a tough journey. My own husband didn't cheat but became an alcoholic, and because I have always worked, I was able to weather things financially and keep my DDs warm, fed and safe.

Ultimately we all have to assess that risk for ourselves, but I hope my DDs stay in work and able to provide for themselves and any children they may have.

'A bit dumb and unimaginative' lots of people can be 'dumb and unimaginative' whether they are in employment or not ... so much volunteer work is done by SAHPs ... I have managed budgets, sourced funding, established a Food Bank, supervised paid employees etc etc all sorts of tasks which are done by volunteers. Many pre-schools and holiday clubs for children are run by volunteers- without these (some) parents just wouldn't be able to work. The same as provision for elderly folk - in pre Covid times do you ever give thought to the volunteers who deliver meals on wheels, take people to hospital appointments, run lunch clubs etc - maybe for your own elderly parents? And no, the 'State' does not automatically provide all these services.

There is such a sneering attitude from many of the commenters on this thread, of course I agree with the argument that, in most cases, it is better for a woman to be financially independent but to say SAHPs are dull and unimaginative is really uncalled for.

@Ragwort
How do you manage to do all that volunteering on top of the full time job of mothering?

Honestly I don't think it's ever a good idea to rely financially on another person. But I don't look down on SAHMs or anything.

@CrotchBurn uncalled for comment

I don't judge people each to their own
personally I could never be a SAHM
Love my job and could never rely on anyone else financially
Would be disappointed if my DDs ever did it (not that I would say anything)

@stufftosay
Sorry but no it isnt. The biggest arguments for not working seem to be that it's about being at home for the children, running a household is too full on, and childcare is too expensive.

What makes volunteering any different from working in those respects?

I do judge SAHMs a little bit. The idea of being dependent on a man for my livelihood scares me. I don't think my husband has it in him to cheat or be Financially abusive but there are too many stories of it happening to not make me take pause.

Having said that, I'd still work regardless of financial position because I'm not cut out for singing the 'wheels on the bus' 50 million times a day.

I actually think the reason I'm bad at being a SAHM/ hate it do much is because I'm unimaginative. I like being part of a big industry/ company/ having a job that has no emotional component. It can be challenging, or boring, or frustrating, or elating, but it won't be the hamster wheel I feel home life to be.

I can't think past the basics elements, or get joy from any of the things that make being at home interesting. I also can't get past the point that I'm supposed to clean up for 4 people because I am the one who happens to be at home.

I didn't ask to be at home, and doing the domestic stuff is just so no one else has to.

@CrotchBurn why didn't you just say it that way, rather than making a snarky comment

I wonder how many posters here have a set up where the father is the stay at home parent? Or know anyone in their circle of acquaintance where the father stays at home? I don't know any. Zero. Maybe that's just where I live.
But I can't help wondering, if it's all that desirable, why aren't more men doing it?