To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

If you have kids under 5 then fair enough, but I think SAHM’s who have kids at school are on the lazy side.
I’m on maternity leave and am hating having to be financially dependent on my DP, I can’t wait to go back to work and earn my own money. I don’t think it’s something to aspire to and definitely not something I’d encourage my daughter towards. If for some reason your partner left, got ill etc you’d be screwed and who wants that.

@wellthatsunusual

I really resent the idea that you have to be working or volunteering outside your own family in order to contribute to society. And I do work outside the home, before anyone jumps on me. I think it's a shitty message to children to tell them that caring for the people you love isn't in itself a contribution to a functioning society. The whole 'contributing to society' narrative is why unpaid caring for elderly, sick or disabled relatives is so undervalued. In financial terms it saves society an absolute fortune yet the people who do it, at great sacrifice to themselves, are seen as takers not contributors.

I agree with this. Also disappointed in the comments looking down on lowly unskilled workers, like they're a big disappointment to society. Surely this year has taught us that many of these jobs, often occupied by former sahm's, are the the ones that have been essential services this year. One last thing, I've personally had a career, education and been paid well, been a sahm, worked from home and now back out working. Never in my life did I need my job to make me interesting. I've always had other interests and a fulfilled life. Constant work chat can be very boring.

The thing that would concern me personally about being a SAHM would be the complete reliance on someone else financially. I like having my own money and career so that I could support myself and my DD if the worst happens. Working part time was the perfect balance for me. Each to their own though!

@AlternativePerspective I don't think it's OK at all to stick your child in a nursery from 6 months or age from 8-6, 5 days a week. I think it's really sad. I wouldn't want to do it with mine and have only returned because I work from home and have a nanny and my hours are flexible. If I had had to stick my baby into a nursery, I would not be back at work. No way.

I think SAHM are lucky to have the choice, but life is luck anyway in many aspects. If you wanted a 5 bed detached house and 2 brand new cars then for example, I suspect you would have to go to work, but you’re obviously living within your means and that’s a family choice I’m sure.

Whilst I’m sure most people would like to be at home more, being a SAHP isn’t everyone’s ideal. Some would climb up the wall being up all day, some would hate not having their own financial independence, some are really career driven and love their jobs - in this situations, even if the circumstances allowed it, there are plenty of people that wouldn’t want to be a SAHP.

Again though on the other hand, some would love it but don’t have the choice. It’s the same as everything, money makes the world go round and creates more choices.

There’ll be a fair few folk that have been furloughed so it would be interesting to see if they preferred to be a SAHM or to work. I also think it different if you’re a SAHP of a child younger than 3. It’s more difficult than when they are 3 and start nursery because you get some time to yourself.

@Elsie296 I totally agree!

When people say "I'm a full time mummy" as if working AND being a mum makes you any less of a "full time mum"!! It is quite insulting to women who do continue to work, who are trying to do their best earning a living and looking after their family.

Ultimately everybody is different and has different values and perceptions. And even more importantly, it doesn't matter what randoms on the Internet think about your life choices either way!

I can only speak from my experiences of my mum becoming a SAHM halfway through my childhood and she personally is very vocal about how she resents this choice.

There is no right or wrong!

Personally I think each to their own, but do believe it’s risky unless you’re married to someone very wealthy where you know you’re set for life if you divorce

As for your daughter, I had this conversation with my daughters friends when they were at uni, two of the mothers didn’t work, their opinion was they couldn’t understand why their mums didn’t get jobs or even attempt to, but were trying to be the oracle on careeer and study advice. Kinda talking the talk but didn’t walk the walk.

I think for young women today, the ones who go to uni, want a career, which is a large amount, they can’t quite understand why their mothers stay home permanently and of course they then focus too heavily on the child. It’s fine at primary age, but after that there is an element of loss of respect for many of them.

Doesn’t mean they don’t love their mothers or aren’t close to them, but choosing to stay home for most of your adult life is something many career driven young women don’t really understand.

@TableFlowerss I think this is a good example. I could easily be a SAHM if I was happy with the size of the current house we live in. But I want more. I want a 5 bed detached house with two new cars and private school. But I don't NEED that. Neither does my child. I want to have a great career, I don't NEED that. I put my own ego needs above being a SAHM and it's not something I'm proud of. I suspect many people are like this. They could stay at home and live a humbler life, but they want more, so they work. But if you can pay for full time nursery, it's not a necessity for you to go to work.

@hillarypcof

I hate the idea of losing all sense of self just to have children, giving up everything that made you YOU to raise children

So only your career defines you then? How deeply, deeply sad.

Not everyone gets to work a career they love. Many of us just work for money to live and pay bills, and it most certainly doesn't define us. I find it's those who are fortunate enough to find a career they love that then have to sacrifice time at that to raise children that suffer an identity crisis the most. Not all of us who just work for life money.

What I hate is the idea that just because you have children you must be so stupid that all of a sudden it means you somehow forget all the things that you love doing, as if you're some dumb human that can't function without a job to do. I had a working mum who said to me laughingly "oh, I wouldn't know what to DO with myself if I didn't work!" queue trilling laughter, and it was like, what, so working makes you forget the things that make you happy in life in your spare time?? Just having children hasn't made me forget my hobbies, for God's sake, or the things I love like walking on the beach on my own etc.

My mum worked FT teaching, my dad a HT. I was looked after by a childminder from 3 months old. I think she might have wanted to SAH a bit longer but they'd been married for 10 years before having us and had finally bought the much desired detached house just before mortgage rates went up.

My abiding memory of primary school years was always being the last in the playground to be picked up. I went in the taxi service as an 'act of grace' passenger - when it was my brother's turn to go to school, there was no room so he got to travel to and from school with my mum and went to a completely different primary. A lady down the road used to wait with me in the morning before school and I went to her house after school too.

I don't remember them ever attending sports days, special assemblies, afternoon nativity plays... as a younger teen I took myself off to all medical/dental appointments after school and she met me afterwards.

The only topic over teatime was the kids at their respective schools. It struck me that they were more invested in their lives and education than that of their own children. I was a very secretive teen, with a wild social life - they provided the odd lift!

My mother sacrificed absolutely nothing to have children- in fact I really do think they eventually got round to having us because they felt they ought to, not because they particularly wanted to.

That said, I admire the work ethic! I've done a bit of everything. Went back F/T when eldest was 13 months which was horrid but had a high earning 'partner' who didn't share his earnings. Was a single mother on benefits for a few years when eldest was 2.5 - 4. Yes, that was a conscious decision because she was so traumatised by the DV I suffered at the hands of her father, combined with me not being around enough for her that she was absolutely feral and didn't speak a word of English!

When I moved in with lovely DH and eldest went to school I did a part time school hours waitressing job until having DC2. Was a SAHM for 3 years then did a few evenings and weekend pub shifts. DH very hands on with the kids and encouraged me.

I think we've got a good balance now. I'm in a job that is p/t, low paid but quite high pressured (NHS primary care) and feel like I'm doing something useful. DH works mostly from home, does his fair share of school runs and evenings with the kids when I'm on a late but I'm around a lot for them and manage to attend all their school events.

I must admit that I do work with someone who has been out of the workplace for 20 years and it really shows - I think it is useful to keep doing something while the children are school age, even if you don't necessarily have to.

I do envy the clean and tidy houses of my SAHM friends though!

I have to say, as someone who is considering being a SAHM after my mat leave finishes, I dont understand the idea that I suddenly become financially reliant on my DH. Yes, he will bring home the money, but I dint lose my qualifications or experience just because I choose to be a SAHM. If DH left me I would be able to go straight back to work. I dont lose my ability to earn money, we would just be choosing as a couple to drop a wage. We have joint accounts, joint savings, and all our money is 'ours'. We never keep track of individual money. When DH decided to retrain and go into a new career nobody said he was silly for being financially dependent on me for over a year while he trained.

Posted here up the thread with my experience cos I started realising something but didn’t answer the question.

What do I think about SAHM?

If children under 5 and you can afford to be with them and have the capacity to support their early childhood development then I think this is the best option for a child. Perhaps combine with some nursery for social development but not necessarily required if you have enough social contact, multiple children etc

But if your children are all attending school and you have the capacity for work and are not managing your family’s or husband’s 200 acre estate and staff then I think ‘what are you doing all day?’ And am secretly irritated when my SAHM friends all IM each other planning their tennis lessons etc

There is another argument that says teenagers need as much support around their day as younger children and I’m conscious of the fact that my children are reaching that stage. But I think technology is improving such that we can be at work in different locations but also together so being able to support him until I get home physically is not quite the challenge it was a few years ago.

I am also irritated when people refer to themselves as full time mums not SAHM. Like one could say that a working mum is not also a full time mum. I forget I have kids during the day...

Every family is different, expectations and lifestyles are varied and what would work for one family wouldn't for another.
Personally, being a SAHP is not a path I would want my daughter to aspire to be. Being financially independent, having a career and having the freedom that gives you is important. All my friends apart from 2 are working parents, some part time some full time. My 2 friends that are not working are single parents on benefits who didn't work after having children and then their relationships broke down. They are both unhappy with their situations.

their opinion was they couldn’t understand why their mums didn’t get jobs or even attempt to, but were trying to be the oracle on careeer and study advice. Kinda talking the talk but didn’t walk the walk.

Yes. I was at uni not THAT long ago (I'm mid 30s) and I remember this.

Both my husband and I are full time working parent. Woking keeps us sane, our LO loves nursery and is thriving. We can afford more than most so this suits our family.

I think you're bloody lucky. I'm having to leave my 18mo breaking his heart downstairs while I go to work. Takes him half an hour to calm down and goes against every fibre in my body to stay up there whilst he's crying for me.

My mum was a SAHM and also sadly passed away when I was 25, going on 26 like another posted said. She was my best friend and I loved always having her around. She always had the energy and the time to do things that others may not have, after working a full time or part time job. Big family meals on a daily basis, all the tidying and chores done by the time the rest came home from school/work. She never said no to anything. Sometimes I wonder if she was happy like this as she did take part time work once in a school canteen to get out of the house. But I was very blessed to have her for the time I did and it has shaped how I look at SAHP’s myself.

My partner works very hard in a very flexible job. I’ve tried to find a job that works around his hours in the past and twice it hasn’t worked out because I wasn’t flexible enough around what the work places needed me to do. The house was always a state as whoever minded my children didn’t keep it up to our standards. We were incredibly thankful to whoever was babysitting, but it was exhausting to come home and realise if I had just been there myself, things would have been done in a way we both prefer.
So, I am a SAHM too. I didn’t realise how much I’d enjoy it. I completely understand it’s not for everyone, but it works for us. I do everything to do with the children 24/7, all the cleaning, cooking, washing etc etc. I’m not lazy, I will work some day if and when I feel it’s not enjoyable/financially possible to stay home.

I don’t judge parents for working in any way, but I do feel judged by them. People are cautious about what they say, but there’s always a hint of ...something. A family member said wouldn’t it be nice to contribute to the family in some way? I said I do, I’m on call 24/7 and forever offering to do things for my children and husband. I don’t expect people to understand, but surely it’s our decision? No one needs to worry about my finances except for myself. I’ve weighed things very carefully. 😊

If you are someone who does judge remember that we don’t know everything about other people. I suffered a severe mental health breakdown and if I had been working, I absolutely would have lost my employment as I was vulnerable and on very strong medication for over 3 years. People very often don’t want to discuss these things with just anyone. It could be that the SAHM simply needs to be, and it’s none of our business her reasons. Equally, the person working two part time jobs and still cannot make ends meet could be suffering terribly. I’m just saying - don’t judge. Be kind. If someone addresses that they are unhappy in their situation, that’s different. You are welcome to guide them then, offer advice and your opinion. But, speaking for myself - I am not open to judgment and I don’t care what people think of me. So be kind.

I don't think anything of them, I just know it's not a lifestyle choice for me. I don't know any, all the women I know, friends and family, work. Even my grandmothers worked, one through necessity as a single mother, the other through choice as a very middle class woman who had to fight to work and never took it for granted. I was raised by a working mum and have no bad memories, I've always been very proud of what she achieved especially in my teenage years and that has been a huge motivator for me.

I honestly don't care what others do, it's not something I give a second thought to until it comes up on Mumsnet, but I won't lie I would be disappointed and concerned if a child of mine decided to be a stay at home parent.

@Rightthen24

Every family is different, expectations and lifestyles are varied and what would work for one family wouldn't for another. Personally, being a SAHP is not a path I would want my daughter to aspire to be. Being financially independent, having a career and having the freedom that gives you is important. All my friends apart from 2 are working parents, some part time some full time. My 2 friends that are not working are single parents on benefits who didn't work after having children and then their relationships broke down. They are both unhappy with their situations.

Curiously in my experience most stay at home mothers do not teach their daughters that this is something to aspire to either. Very few are saying “ideally marry someone with enough money so you can stay home and have babies” . They encourage their daughters not to do as they have done, Whilst simultaneously proclaiming they are happy with their choice and not wishing to work themselves.

@MummaBear4321

I have to say, as someone who is considering being a SAHM after my mat leave finishes, I dont understand the idea that I suddenly become financially reliant on my DH. Yes, he will bring home the money, but I dint lose my qualifications or experience just because I choose to be a SAHM. If DH left me I would be able to go straight back to work. I dont lose my ability to earn money, we would just be choosing as a couple to drop a wage. We have joint accounts, joint savings, and all our money is 'ours'. We never keep track of individual money. When DH decided to retrain and go into a new career nobody said he was silly for being financially dependent on me for over a year while he trained.

This is a very idealistic view that unfortunately in reality just isn't true. Of course you become financially dependent on someone else, if they were to become ill or be made redundant your income stops, this is lesser risk of your both working. Its also not always simple to just go back to work after a substantial career break. It's risky and puts you in a vulnerable position so maybe part time would be the best option.

I was a SAHM until my twins were 3, then part-time, and now full time. I think different things were for different people, but I thought I was in a happy and secure marriage. My ex cheated and if I had not been working and saving for my own retirement, etc, I would have been screwed and my children's lives would have been affected. I am in a relatively family friendly field and had help from family so I think my children have been lucky. Although I think SAH is wonderful for parents and children if it can be afforded, I do not think women should accept that degree of vulnerability. I truly thank God I worked part-time, earned pay increases, and save for retirement on my own.

I think that the absolute best thing you can do for society, as a parent, is to raise good, decent human beings. It doesn’t matter whether you do this as a working mum or a SAHM (or dad.) When DD was tiny, all I wanted was to stay home with her, but we couldn’t afford it, so I had to go back to work full time. I was desperately envious of SAHM. Now she’s older, I’m grateful for my career and independence. I think she respects my career, but also the fact that I make time for her. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work a few less hours over recent years, which has helped greatly. I think, if you have your own interests and friends outside the home and a good relationship with DC and OH, your children will always respect you, whatever your career choices.

Curiously in my experience most stay at home mothers do not teach their daughters that this is something to aspire to either. Very few are saying “ideally marry someone with enough money so you can stay home and have babies” . They encourage their daughters not to do as they have done, Whilst simultaneously proclaiming they are happy with their choice and not wishing to work themselves.

That's been my experience too.

I often wonder this too. I was a SAHM for the entirety of DS1's primary and secondary education and have recently gone back to part time work as DS2 has started secondary school.

I enjoyed being a SAHM, liked the fact I was always about to attend school events, help on trips etc. I don't know what my children really thought about it. I know they liked the fact they didn't need childcare after school or during holidays.

My mum worked part time when we were children, and I don't recall thinking anything about it

When you are out of the workforce for an extended time your earning potential goes down. Your skills become stale and you miss out on the compounding of pay increases and retirement. The economic costs and vulnerabilities are HUGE,