To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

I wouldn't want my partner to be a stay at home parent and have me fund everything on one wage and since you can't actually enforce that that is a big reason why I won't have children. Imo There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent as long as both agree before and have a way of funding it themselves and accept the consequences and how it disadvantages you in the future. And this is where when we complain that women have given up careers and earnings and might not have enough national insurance contributions for full state pension it needs to be agreed between both parents how to fund this and be Infront and honest with a plan before the condom comes off.

@Cattasaurus

I wouldn't want my partner to be a stay at home parent and have me fund everything on one wage and since you can't actually enforce that that is a big reason why I won't have children. Imo There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent as long as both agree before and have a way of funding it themselves and accept the consequences and how it disadvantages you in the future. And this is where when we complain that women have given up careers and earnings and might not have enough national insurance contributions for full state pension it needs to be agreed between both parents how to fund this and be Infront and honest with a plan before the condom comes off.

I agree that ideally both parents should agree on how their finances/work lives will be managed alongside their family. Like anything partners/families should try their best to get a life routine that suits the needs of all as best as possible or.

However I think your comment is based on the assumption that caring for children has no value to the family unit because it doesn’t result in payment coming in to the home. As well as agreeing on how income is managed families also need to agree on how their childcare, parenting is managed. As much value should be placed on the role of parenting and raising children as it placed on bringing money into the family.

Often a parent staying at home benefits the other parent who works too. Often the parent at home will do the vast majority of caring, practical tasks, emotional task for the children and will be the one to be present in the event the child’s needs increases due to sickness (or any other reason). Allowing the other parent to continue their job or career uninterrupted.

...it needs to be agreed between both parents how to fund this and be Infront and honest with a plan before the condom comes off.

I'm not going to disagree with this, planning ahead is always going to be the best way.
However I know many women who aren't prepared for how they feel after the baby is born. BIL's wife was one of the most career oriented people I've met as was BIL. She had very set goals for where she wanted to be career wise. She said the whole way through pregnancy she was back to work when the baby was 12 weeks and worked until the day before the birth.
She changed her mind completely once DN was born, took a two year break and has changed role to something less demanding and both her and BIL work a four day week.

My MIL is a SAHM. Each to their own and no shame. But it wouldn’t be for me. And it wouldn’t be an example I would want to set for my daughters. I take great pride in being able to work and make a living. I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on someone else. My mother was a working parent and I always got collected from school by the childminder because my parents were working until evening. It didn’t kill me and my relationship with my parents is very close. I don’t like how my FIL takes advantage of MIL sometimes too and I think being a SAHM is part of that.

@kottbullar I agree. I also don’t think many parents are truly aware of how difficult managing work with parenting and childcare can be before they have children. Why should they be, unless they have someone close with young children why should you be anymore experienced in what being a parent than anything else that you haven’t done before.

I certainly didn’t intend to work part time before I had kids but the realities of the cost of childcare as well as how difficult it is to manage all the task related to having children around 2 full time jobs soon kicked in and I found part time works best for us.

When I was pregnant I didn’t really ponder what would happen 3 years in the future when my son woke up and spewed every where on a day oh and I were both due to be in court for work.

My MIL is a SAHM. Each to their own and no shame. And there was always going to be a but! And in your post it was a big fucking "but" in capital letters. Reminded me of I'm know someone who's black, I'm not racist but....
I don't know what you were trying to say in your first few words...but it seems to me they were utterly meaningless. Own your views - and understand the impact they will have on others.

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM but on a individual level, I’m not sure why some people are striving so hard to persuade us that it’s a great choice and they’re so amazing at it.

It’d be like me coming on here and trying to convince you all that I’m fantastic at my job. It doesn’t matter what randoms on the internet think - the only people who need to be convinced are my employers as they’re the ones paying me. Therein lies the inherent risk for most SAHMs (excluding the uber-rich wives with husbands with fully transparent assets & income) - they are relying entirely on their husband to feel that their service to the family is worth paying for. Some people may be comfortable with risking it all on that but many others aren’t and with good reason.

@Holyrivolli

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM but on a individual level, I’m not sure why some people are striving so hard to persuade us that it’s a great choice and they’re so amazing at it.

It’d be like me coming on here and trying to convince you all that I’m fantastic at my job. It doesn’t matter what randoms on the internet think - the only people who need to be convinced are my employers as they’re the ones paying me. Therein lies the inherent risk for most SAHMs (excluding the uber-rich wives with husbands with fully transparent assets & income) - they are relying entirely on their husband to feel that their service to the family is worth paying for. Some people may be comfortable with risking it all on that but many others aren’t and with good reason.

Right back at you! You've said everything above already and yet you persist repeating yourself - why? Do you struggle to accept other people have a different point of view than your own, because that's the way you come across. Your poor bloody kids, if they are not carbon copies of you - what will they'll listen to over and over again!😂

@Holyrivolli

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM but on a individual level, I’m not sure why some people are striving so hard to persuade us that it’s a great choice and they’re so amazing at it.

It’d be like me coming on here and trying to convince you all that I’m fantastic at my job. It doesn’t matter what randoms on the internet think - the only people who need to be convinced are my employers as they’re the ones paying me. Therein lies the inherent risk for most SAHMs (excluding the uber-rich wives with husbands with fully transparent assets & income) - they are relying entirely on their husband to feel that their service to the family is worth paying for. Some people may be comfortable with risking it all on that but many others aren’t and with good reason.

Oh the irony

You really are a stuck record. Take your own advice. 🤐

“- they are relying entirely on their husband to feel that their service to the family is worth paying for.”

Have you any idea how much you reveal about your own mentality and marriage here. I can only assume this is the type of husband you have - one who would take the attitude that he “pays” for his wife.

This simply wouldn’t occur to my husband. Newsflash - many / most men are the same.

I guess if that’s the type of relationship you think is normal and acceptable, it’s not surprising you can’t conceive of anything else. So this is why you feel the need to project your impoverished concept of relationships onto others. But again, it says more about you than ‘society’ or anyone else.

So instead of actually addressing the financial independence point you just tell me to shut up. Is it because it is an uncomfortable topic?

Waits for the Uber mummy to come on and say that they’re sooo loaded that she is financially set up for life regardless.

It can work well my friend husband is at Director level. She keeps home well run less stress for him in evenings. I hate full t. Just chasing tails. Had try get kids apts done in middle of day. Not all bosses are flexible or if kids sick

@Holyrivolli

So instead of actually addressing the financial independence point you just tell me to shut up. Is it because it is an uncomfortable topic?

Waits for the Uber mummy to come on and say that they’re sooo loaded that she is financially set up for life regardless.

My friend is a teacher - her dh is a well established partner in a big 4 firm - she earns 5-10% of his salary, maybe less - talk to me about financial independence - should they not be married, should she have done a different job to enable equality in their marriage, should he have done a lesser job? Is she somehow lesser than him. Has she left herself and her kids vulnerable - life would be a bit shit looking after a family on a teacher's salary around here.

What is so controversial about saying that he pays for you? Unless you’ve got a independent income stream or assets then that’s what he’s doing. He earns the cash, you bring up the kids.

You may both have decided that it’s worth it for your family but that’s what it is.

There is no ‘financial independence point,’ Holy.

If I was worried about my ‘financial independence,’ do you not think I’d have got a job by now? Duh.

So rather than more sweeping generalisations and faux concern, why don’t you just accept the real life perspectives of the women you claim to know so much about.

Yes he ‘earns the cash’ but, guess what, it’s not as simple as that.

Over the years, I have made some investments with ‘our’ money (yes, I realise that concept boggles your mind, but just go with it). These have paid off. Life changes. We make decisions together - what property to invest in, for instance - all sorts of things. We have been together over 20 years.

Even if I was working, I simply would not be in a relationship with a man who saw his earnings as ‘his’ money. Absolutely no way. I find that deeply unattractive in a man because it reeks of pettiness, selfishness and a lack of integrity. Not interested and that type of man is not father material, imo. If I were the higher earner, I would never in a million years see my earnings as ‘mine.’ How ridiculous. If you have shared your DNA with someone to bring new life into this world, the ‘my money and your money’ ship has long sailed, as far as we’re concerned. Can’t be bothered with that kind of nonsense.

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM

Not unless count paid work as the only way to benefit society.

Well then pa1oma I’m not referring to you. Although I may have had you in mind when I mentioned women with financial independence.

Talking about generalisations, you do realise that the vast majority of people are not in your immensely privileged position and so opting out of the workplace can have lifelong implications for them. The world is not just made up of rich mums from London

I think that every mum is just doing whatever she thinks is best for her children, her financial situation and herself.

I don't judge either working or SAH mums at all. We're all just doing what works or what we need to.

@Holyrivolli

What is so controversial about saying that he pays for you? Unless you’ve got a independent income stream or assets then that’s what he’s doing. He earns the cash, you bring up the kids.

You may both have decided that it’s worth it for your family but that’s what it is.

Another pointless point. Repeating yourself again. Can you come up with something new - you could save yourself typing time by just continually cutting and pasting. Your poor kids - what they must listen to to if they ever dare to disagree with.

That’s ok Silver. As you don’t have an articulate response to counter it then I don’t actually care if you insult me.

And my kids are absolutely fine. You don’t need to pity them. Most kids with parents that love them, provide for them and look after them are fine regardless of whether their parents work or not.

No the world is not made up of rich mums from London.

But, as a woman, if another woman says to me that she has reasons for living the way she does, then I respect that. I respect that she has made the best decisions for her in the unique context of her life and who the hell am I to tell her otherwise?

Women of all walks of life can be financially vulnerable. Including women who work. This is obvious. People in all walks of life are up to their eyes in debt or mortgages on houses they can’t afford or whatever. As an outsider, you can not comment on anyone else’s life and I find generalisations are inadequate and damaging more often than not. So just let people be the own judge if their own lives.

@Kottbullar

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM

Not unless count paid work as the only way to benefit society.

Glad you said it. It’s clear that some people see absolutely no value in parenting. That’s really sad in my eyes.

At a societal level it is a shame that so many intelligent women with so much to offer chose to opt out and SAHM

Opt out of a life of drudge, juggling, and martyring yourself. Yes please.
Being a sahm is great for avoiding this.

@AIMD
“Glad you said it. It’s clear that some people see absolutely no value in parenting. That’s really sad in my eyes.”

Probably just as well they fuck off back to work ASAP so as to avoid transferring their obvious issues onto their children then.